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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:09:27 AM | I did not read all of the posts but I know you have gotten good advice, and even though we understand because most of us have had a child that has made a mockery of discipline, many of the questions that were asked early in the thread were important for you to answer.
I have three kids. My discipline issues are totally different than someone with one child. Children do things to get attention and it does not matter whether it is good or bad attention. One of the things that you can do is try to make sure it is positive attention by finding ways for your child to help with things, etc.
Behavior like this can be related to changes in schools, caregivers, even in routines. I have had my kids act out because they have some imagined thing with one or both of the siblings. My oldest child was easy, wonderfully mannered, until I had the brother and all hell broke loose. At 15, we argue all of the time because there is way too much estrogen in this house but I could probably leave her home alone for several weeks and would never have to worry about her having a party or doing anything else irresponsible or wrong. Her 12-year-old brother will brobably not be left alone until he is 25.
Try the things recommended on the thread, you might even want to make a list of things so you can do the trial and error thing to see what's effective but if you are still having problems, more detail about your particular situation will allow advice that is specifically tailored to you and your family. | |
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:11:16 AM | Terrible twos, trusting threes........and then they turn four.
Or as a friend put it "f**king fours".. It sounds like you have a normal one. When mine were toddlers, I used to frown at the noisy 4 and 5 yr olds at the drop in center we attended. I was so sure that my children would never be like that....lololol. Oh well.
Find a copy of "Kids are Worth it" by Barbara Coloroso. The dvd is a really excellent, very watchable. She is an internationally recognized speaker on parenting. Her ideas are practical, respectful and easy to remember.
Some of my favourites - Never give a punishment that will punish you or that you will be unable to maintain..... for example - no tv for a week, Or no birhtday presents, or grounded all weekend - ya.
Her perspective - it's not the severity of the punishment - it's the fact that it happens, always. So - "no play station for an hour" is more effective than you would imagine possible - long time frames are meaningless to kids. The entire reward/removal/punishment or whatever you want to call it MUST happen close enough to the undesired behaviour for the kid to associate it all together.
Make a point every day to go find your child and tell him/her one thing that he/she does that you really like/proud of/impressed....etc | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:48:07 AM | "So if your saying by just telling a child to go to time out rather than using it as a threat then its not fear based"
Yup, as i said above a time out is not a punishment so there is no threat.
it is used to get the child back into control when they are starting to act up.
A small child can even be picked up and placed in a room, then a brief explaination that they are having a timeout, close the door and let them vent it off for a few minutes...it works.
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 12:40:02 PM |
Yup, as i said above a time out is not a punishment so there is no threat.
it is used to get the child back into control when they are starting to act up.
If a time out is used as a threat, then it just becomes a power struggle between parent and child.
Another Coloroso idea, which I used with success was that the child goes into time-out "until they are ready to leave it"..... This puts the decision on the child (yes, it takes work, repetition and consistency). If my daughter got up from her time out and continued with the bad behaviour (whatever it was). I would say
"ooops, not ready to leave the time out yet....go sit back down until you are ready to stop [name behaviour] and to be {name correct behaviour]" It needs to be done in a pleasant way - discipline can be a positive thing :)
best,
E | |
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:42:24 PM | I wish you the best.
Hopefully you don't get to many things going... One of the effective things I seen here, and it did work for my now 11 yr old son is the chair, 4 minutes in THE CHAIR is a LONG time, and to restart that time if he gets out over and over.
Look at your sons diet as well... Fast foods, and instant foods are filled with MSG, that is known as a neurotoxin, young kids don't need that. As well soda, candy, sugary cereals... They all send a childs blood sugar through the roof, then do a sudden drop off sending them crashing.
You can check to see if he has allergies to foods as well, spendy process, but sometimes food allergies can aggrevate the system. Food dyes in fake fruit juices are horrible...
Seems like you have a great list, and as always consistancy, that is why it is important to stick with things no matter what. I was a push over at times, so my kids didn't know when to take me serious, therefore they pushed until I was yelling... By then I WAS out of control, and they got the satisfaction of seeing me be a ninny. What power a kid has, when mum is pushed out of control...
Good luck | |
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:22:16 PM | I wanted to add... if you feel you may be on the edge of hurting him.. you really need to seek some support for yourself. I TOTALLY inderstand that feeling when you are so frustrated that the anger just builds, but there are solutions... and lots of help out there. If you are Canadian there is a hotline for parents...24/7 that is manned by professionals that are there to help. I forget what it's called, but it's in the phone book.
Also...make sure you have time to take care of yourself. 24/7 being a mom with a toddler can drive anyone crazy. My daughter at 4 had these tantrums that were unbelieveable> I actually had to physically restrain her. It took a lot out of me, and freaked me out. She rarely does that anymore... and I don't have to be physical at all with her.
Spanking just doesn't work... it may seem like it does, for a minute, but it doesn't.
Good luck and hang in there! | |
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:07:31 PM | I work with behaviour management and special needs children, teach parenting classes and work with families to develop parenting skills. I am also a parent and use these practices with my children. The results - amazingly articulate, calm and happy kids.
1. Remind child that ______ is not acceptable behaviour and they will go on time out if behaviour continues.
If behaviour persists
2. Tell the child calmly and firmly "TIME OUT".
3. Immediately take the child (calmly and firmly) to the time out spot.
**Important - do not speak with the child about their behaviour, don't reason, don't respond or react to crying, whining, tantrumming, yelling etc.
4. Put timer on - one minute per year of the child - your fearless four year old would have four minutes.
5. After the timer goes off, go to the child, get down at their level and ask if they are ready to talk about what happened.
If no, just quietly tell them to let you know when they are ready (for really upset or stubborn kids you may have to come back every couple minutes and ask again until they are calmer and ready).
If yes...
6. Get down close to their level and gently hold their hands in yours.
-Ask them "Why did you go on time out?", (you can coach them a bit).
-Ask them "What are the rules?" (what were they told etc. basically the rule they broke that required a consequence).
**If the child has done something that requires remedial action (eg - hit someone) ask them "how are you going to make this better?' (you can coach them with this again and support them in making amends) - If they are resistant or argumentative about their actions - ask them "How would you feel if someone did that to you?"
After amends are made.
-Ask them "What will happen if you do it again?" (you can help remind them that they will do another time out).
-Tell them "Okay" and ask them "What's the deal? (-eg. If I climb on the roof, I go on time out).
7.I try to end the conflict with something positive , verbal praise for dealing with the problem, a hug or a gentle rub on the shoulder or back, thank you for apologizing, hug and a reminder that I love them and believe in them - whatever works for you and your child.
MOST IMPORTANT -- Follow through!! If you say it - DO IT.
BE CONSISTANT.
The first two weeks of consistantly repeating this pattern are the hardest - but you will usually see it start to work within the first couple of days.
Most recently I had a child that may have had to do this between forty and a hundred (three minute) time outs every day. (he was a very abused and neglected little boy) Within a few weeks his behaviour started to change and within a year his behaviour dramatically changed for the positive.
One thing to keep in mind is that as children change and grow they are interested in exploring the world and the boundries of that world more and more. Sometimes acting out behavior is just a child looking for containment - they are testing you to see if you can keep them safe.
My parenting mantra "DON'T RESPOND", "DON'T RESPOND", DON'T RESPOND" (usually muttered under my breathe as they are doing the funky chicken tantrum on the floor while on time out)
In the words of my Grandmother - "don't worry - this too shall pass".
All of these experiences will be stories that you will laugh about one day. | |
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| Discipline...He is driving me insane
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:20:45 PM | Taking things away will only work if they child loves that toy..can't live without it..but I'm not really sure that they will understand the connection at 4.. My son was almost 6 when I took away buddy dear..You should be polite..but don't punish yourself by not going out or doing things you want to do..I would never take away mommy and me time.. that isn't punishment, that is just plain cruel..Taking things away will work better when he's older..For now talk to him and have him sit on the chair/corner/steps or just in his room for awhile until he calms down and will listen again...
You should keep in mind that a boy after a meal is bursting with energy... If he's acting up mostly after meals then you need to give him an activity to do after meals.. I used to have my son run around the house a few times after dinner.. and he did and it got rid of alot of the after dinner tantrums...simple, cheap, he got exercise, he liked it and it worked.. that's like win win win there! | |
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