svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 26 | |
| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:47:23 AM |
That's not the case at all, I would never meet someone for a date with the mindset of this will only be friendship! I just find that when I'm initially meeting someone and establishing rapport, getting to know them, it's much easier to do so without any sort of pre-concieved intention of romance, in the past that has either hindered getting to know someone or caused me to develop feelings that weren't genuine.
It would probably be a lot easier to tell them that, instead of just saying "Let's just be friends" and effectively shooting yourself in the foot. | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:26:54 AM | Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story. | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:37:17 AM | Its possible to be friends...if there isnt any attraction there. I know from recent experience that if you try to be friends with a girl you're really into, and no further relationship is formed, then were just liable to be hurt. It's more painful to watch them fall for someone else than it is to cut and run.
So from that past experience, I won't be friends with a girl I have feelings for. In the long term it just isn't worth it. | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:09:15 AM | I think the Harry met Sally part is perfect right now,
If you want to have a friendship first and build a solid relationship, by all means that is great. But you must be CLEAR on what you mean, if you say I am want to be friends, he will most likely be gone, because he is not looking for a friend right now he is looking for a mate.
You would have to say "lets take it slow and see what happens" thats fine, but don't drag it on, because you may make him miss somebody else that's great.
Also, men know that women decide in the first 30 seconds of meeting if there is anything or not. So just be honest and realize that men have enough "friends" they want a girlfriend or wife. | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:18:21 AM | Well being just friends with a man is possible...however men think on a different level than we do...eventually their idea of friends leads to more...
There are alot of men I would like to be just friends with...and explore if there is anything else....I believe the best relationships come out of being friends first and lovers later....
I guess that saying I would love to be friends would perhaps make the other person feel unattractive or rejected however if their self-esteem is that low I don't know that I would bother pursuing even a friendship.
Its a hard call b/c it depends upon the persons involved and how mature they are in handling a friends first relationship.
Maybe you should say to people that you would prefer friends first and then see how that goes rather than meeting them and then saying that you would like to be friends...perhaps that would take the sting out of it for the person on the receiving end...
Good Luck | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:06:59 PM | It's a tricky one that.
I'm quite capable of just being friends with women. No problem there at all. But in order for me to "respect" the boundaries, I tend to quashed any sexual desire that I may have for a friend that happens to be female.
That in itself can raise problems, because, unless she's giving me a blatant go ahead to take the relationship to the next level, I tend to assume she's not interested in that way and so, dare not make a move in case I rock that friendship boat.
It can be a frustrating experience, especially if there IS some intrinsic attraction between us. But what the heck do I do? If I go in for the kill and get rejected, that's pretty much the friendship in tatters. That always seems to be the case... So in the end I do nothing, assume it's just friends then and set my romantic eyes elsewhere.
I think relationships in which two people were friends once, can only work in the workplace, or within a group of associates, where two people CAN form genuine friendships before moving onto the next phase if that is their wish.
But on site's like these...? Well lets face it, 99% of us are all looking for that "something". So why wait around under the false pretences of being friends first? By all means, take sex slow... Take that as slow as you want, but nothing wrong with good old fashioned dating where you can actually get to kiss and hug a beautiful woman.
Believe me, I'm fine with being friends... But in order to avoid ANY confusion, I'm just going to assume that's all she wants. | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:32:06 PM | I think in part, guys may be put off by "let's be friends first" because the "first" just disappears... and it's just "let's be friends".
Personally I would prefer to have a relationship develop out of a friendship... I'd much rather be in a relationship with someone I'm comfortable around and who I know I can trust - although experience has told me that it doesn't usually happen, you either stay in the "friend zone" and/or it ends up hurting your friendship too :( | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:49:02 PM | Platonic friendships take time, effort and energy that a guy would rather invest in a romantic relationship instead.
Would a guy groom himself and dress up to look presentable, plan an evening and make reservations, and travel to a fancy restaurant to meet a woman who told him a few dates ago that she just wants to be a platonic friend... Or would he rather invest that kind of effort with someone else who is a romantic prospect instead?
I think the answer is as obvious as a 2x4 upside the head. :-D | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:14:57 PM | "Lets be friends first" = I'm looking for another sucker to buy me things w/ no strings.
Guys get sick of hearing and doing that one. You want to be friends first? Then you pay for most everything, not him. I'm betting he has to pay for everything.
I have a female friend I go out to eat with on a weekly basis who looks better than 90% of the women on here, we split the check. We do a lot of things together and it's always as "friends" and no mind games are ever involved.
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/9/2008 6:51:08 PM | Not at all, my 2 best friends for the better part of 4years were women, and we had no problems. One moved away, while the other started dating a controle freak who won't let her talk to me as apparently all men want is sex.
My friends were always put off, asking if they were my girlfriends or what not and it's simple, you have to establish it, it's either a friendship, or dating, mix the two and kiss the friendship goodbye.
Friendship to dating depends on the duration of the friendship, i'd be confortable saying after a 3rd "date, or activity" it's deciding time | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:00:34 PM | I find that when dating I try and establish a friendship with the guy before I'd consider any sort of romance, personally friends first seems to be the best route, however guys seem put off by this attitude and then I end up never hearing from someone whom I had a great time with. When I like someone and want to continue the friendship with them, I love inviting them to evenings I feel would hold mutual interest. It's not like i'm calling every day and telling them all my dark secrets right out the gate but why does showing the same "intimacy" I show to my friends seem so offputting to a guy I'd like to be friends with? Is it really so impossible to for men and women to be friends?
Well, I tried explaining in some detail the nature of a very close friendship I have with a woman on one of the other forum threads.[1] I made it clear that I am open to whatever or wherever that relationship should go in the future and was quite happy where it was at now. But predictably, every person on that thread who responded to what I wrote did so with the presumption that I must have "ulterior motives" or that (because she and I were such good friends) that I should "snatch her up" or whatever. And this was from the women as much as the men.
I see nothing wrong with what you are proposing but just be warned that most guys will take a "lets just be friends" kind of explicit statement as a rejection if the woman who makes it is one that they consider to be attractive. And to some extent, a man will find even his attractive female friends to be of some interest at least in the sense of not minding if at some point it moves beyond that point unless there is some solid impediment between them (such as marriage, an engagement, a long term relationship, etc.)
Frankly, if there is not a basis of friendship at the start, why on earth would people presume that there could be anything solid and enduring in a relationship (should one develop)? The reason is that stupid "love at first sight" myth or the idea that if there is not a roaring fire at the start[2] that there cannot be one at some point in the future.
Notes:
[1] See messages #102
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/8213847datingPostpage5.aspx
[2] See message #7
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8736482.aspx | |
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:22:54 PM |
I find that when dating I try and establish a friendship with the guy before I'd consider any sort of romance, personally friends first seems to be the best route, however guys seem put off by this attitude and then I end up never hearing from someone whom I had a great time with.
Thats because they were in persuing mode when you weren't. I'll break it down like this :
If I go to the store to get milk and the cashier won't sell you the milk but instead tries to sell you some batteries.... I'd leave the store to go to another one as i went there specifically to get milk and didn't get it. I don't want batteries as i didn't go there for that. If i wanted batteries, i'd get batteries another time.
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| Is anyone ever willing to just be friends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:45:58 PM | I know that I am able to just be friends. In fact most of my dates and relationships end up being just friends. I guess that means that I must be good if everyone keeps me in their life still.
I am fine with being just friends. I even kind of expect it at this point, so that's how I go into a relationship as just friends so I don't get let down if nothing more happens.
Even people that I was or am still attracted to, but as friends they just do not appeal to me. Kind of like I know they don't feel the same so why waste my time. I have seen enough movies about the dork that likes the hotty and the dork wastes 8 years of his life being after her. | |
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