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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:00:55 PM | AS you found out about the STD after sleeping with your ex, it might be he is making you feel guilty for something that he is responsible for
Thank you chippy - that was the point I was hinting at - hence asking the questions that I did.
Tinky2, i found out about a week and a half later.
Its an STD that my ex used to have but was treated for.
Thank you for the information Tigger :)
I applaud your courage about speaking up about something like this, and being so honest too, it's usually seen as a very taboo subject.
After your ex was treated for this STD was he tested again to make sure it was gone?
Some STDs show no or very mild symptoms in men......... and some equally well show no or few signs in some women......... doesn't mean that it's not there or can't be passed on...... but CAN flare up and show symptoms during times of stress, illness etc etc (candida being a VERY common one - ok not an STD per se, but can be passed on during intercourse)
Oh, and has HE been a saint while you've been split up? (You stated that during a two week 'break' from each other a year ago he was screwing around with another girl after just one week........ let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that)
So it is perfectly possibly that HE (your ex) is other one who actually infected you anyway... but now he wants YOU to 'prove' yourself.....
I do believe that honesty is the best policy but it takes BOTH partners to be honest from the outset................
Tigger, please just walk away from him ((hugs)) | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:00:57 PM | So where do i go from here?
^^ Wish I had an answer OP.
Truth is, imagine if situation was reversed - how would you feel and react knowing?
What happened is a difficult thing to get over - for either a man or woman.
But - if you feel there's "a lot of talking needs be done" then take that initiative as you've been doing. In the end, you can say you gave it your best shot, regardless of the outcome.
Regardless of what others have said - you DID the right thing. Your honor and integrity are intact and you truly did treat others as you would want to be treated.
If anything, give yourself respect for that.
Truly wish the best and hope things work out!
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:08:51 PM | When we last spoke and i confessed about the STD, he said that he's only kissed one girl during the 3 months...and that he felt so disgusting afterwards that he took a vow not to have sex for a year...
He then went on to say that because i had been with so many guys, he must not mean anything to me...which of course isn't true. But i can't make him believe what i say.
I am at a bit of a loss now as to what to do. I want to talk to him again on saturday, but i dont want to push the subject and end up pushing him away. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:13:20 PM | Ohhhh one he had previously... Soooooo depending on what it was, he could have actually infected YOU, and it is just showing up...
Wow, what a mess peoples lives can be created...
Never mind the judgmental people, they are throughing stones while living in glass houses of their own...
He who is sin free shall cast the first stone, the rest of you should just step back and look at the mistakes in your OWN life that make YOU undesirable... Then ask YOURSELVES, am I above someone that has down one another has done? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:16:57 PM | Tigger, sometimes a person can only walk away, and leave the person alone that initiated a break up... He certainly didn't take his vow of NO SEX for a year seriously, if he was with you...
BESIDES, you two were broke up... Geez, the judgmentalness of people here.
If he is really into you, then he will get past it, if not he will blame you, and denigrate you for being human...
Your a beautiful person, and your posts have been sincere... If that isn't good enough for him, well his loss... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:17:24 PM | U DONT have to prove urself to n e one only to urself
he is being unrealistic and demanding u think u care but u will be happier with someone that puts less demands on u u will c u under too much psychological duress..u need to move on for u and take care of u and not try for someone else  | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:29:15 PM | First:
Ohhhh one he had previously... Soooooo depending on what it was, he could have actually infected YOU, and it is just showing up...
And then, in same post:
Never mind the judgmental people ...
^^ Erm ... ok ...
Silly earthlings ...
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:31:19 PM | Wow, the responses on these boards never stop surprising me. So, she contracts an STD and she isn't supposed to tell her man about it according to a few people? Wow.
Tigger, I commend you on your honesty. It's a good trait, despite what some of these people say. It's that sort of honesty that may eventually land you in a relationship that will make you happy.
However, it doesn't seem like the relationship you were in was making you happy at all. Why try to force it to work? You need to grow up, accept that you can't have every man in this world no matter how hard you try to prove yourself, and then find someone who likes being with you.
Also, you need to start putting yourself in situations that you can be proud of. I really doubt that you're too proud of sleeping with a bunch of guys right after a breakup. It's your body, it's your right to do what you want with it, but it's also your responsibility to treat it right. Right now you are suffering the consequences of treating it wrong.
I would think you provide more to a relationship than just a warm hole. You don't have to sleep with people to have a relationship with them or to cure your lonliness. There's a reason why people often say that the best relationships are built on friendship. You're still very young, but you obviously have a lot of maturing to do before you're ready for a real relationship. Maybe start by being friends first next time?
To many of the women in this thread, I wonder what the responses would have been had it been a guy who said "We broke up, within 3 months I had slept with a bunch of other women and contracted an STD. Now I want to work it out with my ex, but she's not comfortable with it. How do I prove myself to her?" Methinks many of the women on this board would be saying, "You're a pig" rather than "he doesn't deserve you". | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:40:21 PM | the thing is...we had started working things out before i told him about the STD...because i didn't know about it.
The reason i didn't tell him about the other guys the very first time we met up since the break is because i didn't want to ruin any hope of us working things out.
I guess its better that i told him sooner, rather than later.
I'm not trying to force anything, but if there is any hope for us in future, i want to put in the effort to make it work...no matter how long it takes.
When we spoke...i asked where this leaves us. And he said that we have a very strong friendship which is most important. Surely that is a good sign?
I am in no way proud of my actions...in fact, i am actually disgusted with myself for doing what i did. That is not the person that i am and its not the person i want to be.
I want to show him that i am sorry and regretful for what i did...and i want to show him that i want to work things out with him...i just dont know how to do this.
How do you show someone that they mean everything to you...and despite what's happened you want to work it out with them? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:42:11 PM | Actually, I would say the same. What's good for one is good for the other, obviously, regardless of the sex. If the guy does it, the same applies! If you're broken up, then you're not together, end of story! She broke up with him because he couldn't afford time to her, due to work issues. Move on and find someone who can afford the time, because if you don't, you could easily find that you're in a similar situation later, wherein you are seeking someone to fill the void he presents because he's not available enough to you. Many in this world do just that; both men and women. So, why waste your time, just because he's presented a challenge to you? Can you say, GAME???
You're bad because you broke up with him and slept with others. Yet, he can sleep with others, given the same circumstances? Of course, you should feel downright guilty about it, but you were the one who broke up with him, because he can't afford to give you time? I would say, you're being played, BIGTIME! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:43:18 PM | Regardless of the severity and/or the treatment of STD, you were absolutely
right in telling him. I don't think you owed him any explanation of how many
men you slept with though. Why did you feel the need to tell him how many? Were
you hoping to get a jealous reaction and it backfired on you? Were you trying
to prove to him that you are desirable to other men, that you have no problem
getting other men's attention? Sleeping around is not the answer to loneliness.
It sounds to me as if he is trying to put you on a guilt trip. Don't allow him
to do that to you. If he is telling you that you have to prove yourself, he is
simply keeping you hanging on to false hope, when in reality he is
done with you. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:44:32 PM | | sweethang100...i didn't break up with him...he broke up with me | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:03:43 PM | yes I agree with Siren you were absolutely right in telling him. If he loves you and you love him you will be together and he will forgive you only time will tell there is nothing you can do just stand back.
You have done nothing wrong you were broken off with him when you were with those other guys good luck ! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:04:49 PM | tigger000 wrote:
how do i prove myself?.... I am at a bit of a loss now as to what to do. I want to talk to him again on saturday, but i dont want to push the subject and end up pushing him away.
Tigger, correct me if I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that if the two of you
had broken up, and then you had relationships with other fellows, you really
have nothing to prove to anyone at this point. And if now getting together with
your former boyfriend has him of the mind that you have to prove anything to
him, then good Lord girl, just move on -- there are other fish in the sea, and most
certainly some fellow out there who's going to be more reasonable and play less
head games than this old boyfriend you find yourself all in knots about.
Or, in the alternative, you just keep letting yourself get all messed up emotionally
over this old boyfriend, continuing to mentally and emotionally drive yourself
crazy.... until the day finally comes where, like so many of the rest of us, you finally
just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and instead decide that for your own
well being, you're going to otherwise have a relationship with some fellow who just
isn't so much into laying guilt trips and playing head games.
Simply put, in as much as you and your old boyfriend were broken up at the
time you had any relationship with anyone else, you have absolutely nothing
to prove to him now. And if he's otherwise of a different mind than that, then
honest to gosh girl, for your own emotional and mental well being, let this
old boyfriend of yours play his drama and guilt trips with some other gal, and
you in the meanwhile can otherwise leave yourself open to find someone a bit
more mature who isn't so much going to have you hurting to make proof for
a situation where none is needed.
But if you insist on trying to stay with this old boyfriend of yours, then at the
very least put an end to all this silliness -- if he wants to be in a relationship
with you, then let him do so without you any longer feeling you need to "prove
yourself " to him. In this situation, you just don't need to do it. And if he's
otherwise of a different mind, then honestly, for your own sanity's sake,
you're just much better off with someone else... someone who isn't going
to try to guilt you or play these "prove your love to me" head games.
In this situation, as you've explained it in this thread, you don't have to
prove yourself to anyone.
Hope that perspective is of some help,
CJ | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:26:38 PM | Tigger - please walk away.............. end it - you need prove nothing to him - tbh what do you think speaking to him will achieve?
He'll probably lay a few more guilt trips on your head and you'll feel even worse than you do now - he might be gracious and let you have sex with him again when he feels like it, playing the part of part time bf, but any time you do ANYTHING that he deems 'wrong' in his eyes, it'll probably all come out again.......... (I base these 'assumptions' upon what you've already posted..... and yes, I'd say the same thing if it was a guy who was the OP) - ah, mind games........
The guy, seems to me, to be a bit of a walking contradiction:
- HE can have sex while on a break (1st one, 2 weeks long) - but you can't (3 months long, no view of getting back together).
- YOU forgave him his indiscretion and moved on - but you have to prove yourself to him now.........
- HE can have an STD (possibly passing it on to you) - but you can't......
- YOU have been honest with him - but he now judges you and basically condemns you for your honesty.
Actually, don't walk away - RUN! FAST!
An Acronym - I do enjoy reading your posts, mostly insightful and many quite funny :)
ren83 - good post :)
Apolinary - nicely put :)
Other posters - apologies for not naming you here, but those three really caught my eye so I felt like commenting :) | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:42:56 PM | Never go backward in life......always move forward...ie...do NOT ever go back to boyfriends or girlfriends you have broken up with.......it brings nothing but more pain..
Learn to love yourself
Learn how to masturbate.........it helps.....
You f*ucked up, now live with it, forgive yourself and move on.......
Blessings......  | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:50:51 PM | Apolinary:
Big respect to you...... I have never ever (I think) read a post by a male poster that is so sensitive and understanding. I wished something like that could have come from me but then I would seem biased.........
Keep as real as that post and the whole sea is your playground........ | |
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| how do i improve myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:04:49 PM | | Sounds like this was a guy you wanted to keep? So, before you kept him it was good timing to get your rocks off several times with other people. Your honesty is commendable, but now he will always look over his back, want to know all the sorted details, and never come to a resolution on the matter. You'll have a mentally exhausted man who will exhaust you about information, and something to remember the others from..........................Good luck! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:25:00 PM | | I think that if anyone wants you to prove that you are a good person, when you haven't deliberately hurt them and have been honest with them, they are not worth bothering with. If you had split up with him and hurt his feelings badly, then yes I think you should prove that you mean you want to be with him and not others - after all you would have hurt him by dumping him, but if that wasn't the case, then how can you ever prove you are good? It is ridiculous. If he can't appreciate your honesty, then don't bother. Honesty is so important and you've been straight with him. He can either forgive you or not forgive you. He is just asking you to grovel - don't do it. You are really worth more, even though you don't seem to realise it. | |
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| how do i improve myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:51:56 PM | I notice the OP has skirted my questions?? Wonder why that is?
Let me try again. Is it possible you told him out of spite for breaking up with you?
Is it possible you wanted to rub it in his face as you hold onto the negative thought of his having sex with someone the last time you broke up?
Why did you two break up last time?
Have you confronted the fellow who gave you the nice parting gift? Were these one night fvck fests?
Why did you not use protection? Was it the lust of the moment that made you not think of the consequences? In this day and age I just roll my eyes every time I hear this foolishness. I would keep you at arms lengths too.
I have had sex with multiple partners and have an std. Wanna get back together? LMAO.
Please remember people we are only hearing ONE side of a STORY HERE. He broke up with you. We only know what the OP is saying as to why that is. I bet there is a lot more to this story than she is willing to say as human nature has a habit of deflecting responsibility.
Bet you don't answer any of these questions. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:15:43 PM | Beautiful hypocrisy ladies,
You definitely should have left out the part about the STD.
Ouch! You may have burned that bridge you were trying to build by being too honest. TOO honest??? Both of you should be ashamed - This poor girl might really like the guy, and you're here reaming her for her virtuous effort at reconciliation.
When you get older you will find out that telling every detail only hurts that person. I don't mean lie, I mean don't confess I think you have it all wrong - stop advocating deception, it all starts with but a seed. If there is genuine contrition to your confession, and if the man (or woman, I would hope) is understanding and loving (or, loves YOU) enough, (s)he'll find it in his/her heart to forgive you, and give it another shot. Though in this case, they were dissolved at the time, and what she did was her own business, which is why it was admirable of her to tell him - shows she cares.
ha! as a woman, i would never take a man back as used goods
but the BIG difference is the man would never fully enclose how many he has been with during the seperation Maybe they never "fully enclose" because they already know that YOU would never take em back ("used goods" or not).
I for one think it was quite valiant of her, to "come clean" (try seeing past the implication to the contrary please). You did what came from your heart - to be honest with him - that is you. The ball's in his court now, he has the information, so if anything, it's up to HIM to prove if HE loves you enough to see past it all, and/or if he's willing to communicate with you about it. Remember though, you must also be willing to communicate to him, what he may ask you about. Personally, I think this guy kinda sounds like a jerkwad.
Seems to me that there were many inconsistent ambiguities in the story along the way...
Let me clear up a few things. We broke up because he didn't have time for me as he was working, had uni and exams and we live quite far apart. That is why it ended, he initiated it. This can mean anything - He could have started by voicing his concern that he wouldn't be able to see her for a while due to all the reasons, even though he wanted to, triggering an emotional flurry of overreactions, including a "needs" speech, finally ending by her jumping to the "So you're saying you want to break up with me?" conclusion, with him feeling he can say nothing else but "I don't know" or "maybe" (because he knew at the time, that he couldn't both offer her the attention she wants - and/or perhaps HE wants to offer, while focusing on his business at the time) which sadly, is an automatic "yes" to any impatient woman. He may have "initiated" it, but she may have well "ended" it - I know how it goes. I would think the OP would have been more precise on this issue the first time she mentioned it - seems like she is obfuscating something.
Then there was a slew of more discrepancies:
well considering that my ex and i had slept together i thought it was best that i tell him about the std. Say what? I thought you wanted him back - does this mean he already is?
i found out about a week and a half later (after having sex with him).
Its an STD that my ex used to have but was treated for.
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i didnt know i had the disease until after we talked. So you had sex with him before even talking to him? Amazing - You sure you need help getting back together with this guy?
he took a vow not to have sex for a year...  And the plot thickens.
Still, even the readers couldn't keep up:
it's not like you cheated - he walked away. vs.
She broke up with him because he couldn't afford time to her
Finally, the truth comes out:
the thing is...we had started working things out before i told him about the STD...because i didn't know about it.
The reason i didn't tell him about the other guys the very first time we met up since the break is because i didn't want to ruin any hope of us working things out. (Aha!)
I guess its better that i told him sooner, rather than later. (Good guess - try a little sooner still next time.)
I'm not trying to force anything (I beg to differ), but if there is any hope for us in future, i want to put in the effort to make it work...no matter how long it takes.
When we spoke...i asked where this leaves us. And he said that we have a very strong friendship which is most important. (HE says? What do YOU think) Surely that is a good sign?
I am in no way proud of my actions...in fact, i am actually disgusted with myself for doing what i did (One can only hope you're talking about trying to get him back through treacherous artifice). That is not the person that i am and its not the person i want to be.
I want to show him that i am sorry and regretful for what i did (Not telling him you've recently been with others before sleeping with him, you mean)...and i want to show him that i want to work things out with him...i just dont know how to do this.
How do you show someone that they mean everything to you...and despite what's happened you want to work it out with them?
Well, if you really do want him back (maybe you deserve each other) brandish has a good point - If this guy means well, he'd want to know that you are sincere about it. Give him space (that means, don't contact him) (that means no "IM" too), and wait for him to make the next move. If he comes back and the first thing he wants is sex (what happened to his vow of a sex-free year again? ), then you'll know. If you still want him after that, and are serious about it, tell him you're not having sex with anybody for a while (only if that is true, of course - and stick to it), but that you're willing to discuss it with him, and see if he sticks around/still talks to you. Tell him how you feel, and be honest. Beyond that, actions will speak for themselves, and both of you will have to work at it, and at understanding each other. That's what I think.
As for stuff like this:
I am sorry to say but you gave him WAY too much information and it has cost you the relationship, sure you may work it out for a little while but it is over and done with. Don't listen to it - always do what you feel is right - some guys are actually open-minded (for those who don't understand, that means "pushovers"  ).
I would think you provide more to a relationship than just a warm hole. Yes, because then how would you compete when someone else comes by offering a wormhole? 
Maybe he'll just see this thread, realize you're desperate for him, surrender to you, and all will end happily as long as neither of you cheat. (Hey - it could happen - Love is surprising  )
- Your Excogitator | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:16:23 PM | I am quite happy to answer your questions:
"Is it possible you told him out of spite for breaking up with you?"
- No. I didn't tell him out of spite. I told him i had an STD and he asked if i had slept with anyone during the 3 months. It was then that i was completely honest with him and told him that i have, and that i have been with more than 1 guy.
"Is it possible you wanted to rub it in his face as you hold onto the negative thought of his having sex with someone the last time you broke up? "
- No. I would not stoop that low. I am a better person than that. I got over what he did last time we broke up, i forgave him for his actions. I had no expectation of us reconciling.
"Why did you two break up last time?"
-The first time we broke up was because i was too dependent on him. I knew this also. The second time we broke up was because he didn't have the time for me.
"Have you confronted the fellow who gave you the nice parting gift? Were these one night fvck fests?"
- Yes, i have confronted him and told him about it. No, they were not one night **** fests.
"Why did you not use protection? Was it the lust of the moment that made you not think of the consequences? In this day and age I just roll my eyes every time I hear this foolishness. I would keep you at arms lengths too. "
- I don't know why i didnt. I guess it was aspur of the moment thing and i didnt think about it. I am regretful for what i did, but i can't change it now.
I take full responsibility for my actions and i am not going to lie to him or anyone to save my own a$$. I don't want to live a life of regret and guilt for not telling him the truth. He deserves to know how i got the STD and i told him.
What i would really like are some suggestions on how i can show him that i am truly sorry for hurting him, and that i want to work things out with him. I am happy to give him the space he needs to think this through, but i also want to show him i am sincere and a better person. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:42:58 PM | and a lot of people are saying that you should just let him go...
do you want you hear what you want to hear??
or the truth?? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 12:15:42 AM | | I wouldnt ask him. Just be quiet. Let him come to you. I KNOW that sounds so hard. But it works wonders | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 12:25:12 AM | Oh the drama! You've broken up twice before because neither of you were happy together, do you expect it to suddenly be better this time around?
He is horrified by the 'promiscuity' you confessed to during a 3 month hiatus but he has cheated on you before and you forgave him? Then he tells you "he had vowed not to have sex for a year after kissing another woman because he was so 'disgusted' by it" That is of of the funniest lines of BS I've ever heard in my entire life.
He has the same STD but for some reason your also having it now is a problem? If it is so easily passed on and treatable then how do you know he didn't pass it on to you a year ago and this is your first flare up? I assume since you had unprotected sex with one guy then you more than likely have also had unprotected sex with him once or twice too? You're lucky its just the clap and not something worse.
He broke it off the 1st time because you were too dependant, then you broke it off because he didn't spend enough time with you? You have yet to mention one positive thing about this guy or any of the time you spent together. He makes you feel guilty for enjoying yourself during a break up and you play right into it. He holds it over your head that he didn't get any during your hiatus so you feel some crazy need to apologize for dating? YOU BROKE UP, he has no right to ask what you did or with who during that time. You did not intentionally hurt him, he just wants you to come crawling back feeling guilty.
He sounds controlling, manipulative and immature. You seem confused, easily led, and your self esteem is low enough that you are willing to put your own feelings aside just to have this big baby in your life. Move on already, neither of you have changed or grown up in any way that will indicate it will work it out this 3rd time. Just because you had two years together does not mean it was meant to be. Bad habits can be hard to break. | |
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