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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 6:54:43 PM | i think you did the right thing in telling him about the STD and not going into details about how many men you were with.... it sounds like you and he had different ideas about what the "break up" involved, perhaps he was thinking of it more in terms of a rest period.. but whatever the case, like you said, it's done now.
if you believe that he's sincere in wanting a relationship with you but is having second thoughts because of your being involved with other men, then the only thing you can do to prove to him that you don't want to sleep with anyone else, is not to do it...
but maybe he's just using what you told him as an easy "out" of a relationship with you - you said that he's slept with someone else before when you guys broke up.. maybe he was uncertain about getting back together with you but felt bad because of his actions then but now is seeing this as a chance to get out, while putting the blame on you.. only you can suss that all out
good luck | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:15:07 PM | | Sorry Babe but he needs to run fast in the other direction. You were obviously broke up but damn you made up for lost time didn't you? Trust is hard to come by and you blew it in my book. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:19:34 PM | | I agree with sobeit.. although you were broken up at the time...the fact that you told him may be honest but it is always going to be there in the back of his mind..... You may in time earn his trust, but he will never FORGET what you did in those 3 months and its result. He's only human. Total forgiveness can be very hard. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:33:14 PM | Why are so many people giving her a hard time? She knew she was taking a risk telling him about the STD. She could have been self centered and said nothing and risk him getting the STD. As for who she slept with, that is her business because they were broken up.
Tigger, you don't need to say anything else. You said what you needed to and actions speak louder than words. So just be who you are and he might come back. I think he is just hurt and does not want to think about you and other men together. Be patient and see what happens. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:34:37 PM |
well considering that my ex and i had slept together i thought it was best that i tell him about the std. I would rather be honest with him and tell him the truth than lie to him. If i had of lied, he would have found out later and i imagine it would have been a hell of a lot worse.
At least it is out there, now he can make the decision on whether he wants to forgive me or not. Yes, we were broken up, and i was single to do as i please. I thought it was the right thing to do by informing him?
Plus, we have had a two week break about 1 year into the relationship (we dated for 2 years) and during that 2 week break he slept with someone else...and i took him back...perhaps the wrong thing to do?
Don't listen to everyone else, you did the right thing by being open and honest. He's either going to take you back or he's not. I know it's an easy thing to say, but don't fret about it. Just let be what will be. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:01:04 PM | READ again messages 41 written by Tinky 2 and the msg 42. (great responses).
Best thing to do is to stop judging this young woman.....and the ones who are......go look in the mirror and think about your own lives. For God's sake stop the judging! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:21:19 PM | Tigger, keep up the good work, and stick with the psychologist... YES, sometimes being a stubborn person can be to our heart break and disadvantage.
As for those who think you were out for revenge...WTF!!!!!
Revenge is sleeping with someones best friend and telling them... Revenge is making it a point to sleep with someone so you get caught...
How is trying to find some sense of comfort out in this cold cruel world?
If she were a guy, and hit it with a couple chicks, you men would be patting him on the head, saying good man... But because she is female she is put down, GEEZ....
Tigger, don't be to stubborn, I can tell ya there is a point you know you a beating a dead horse, and no amount of stubborness is going to bring it back to life...Even if you do, you might end up with something worse... TRUST ME, you are young and beautiful, and have a lot of life to live...
You have made NO FATAL mistake, and life is about learning... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:12:32 PM | i find it funny how women are telling the OP that she is beautiful and young and blah, blah, blah. And never once did the op pointed out that she has a self esteem problem, she just needs some opinions about her problems. yet, a few of the women who posted on here sure were fast to point out her looks and her youth.
is happiness connected with looks and youth to the women then??
sorry, but I find it strange that a lot of women on here is pointing that towards the OP.
as for the op, i see that at least you seem to be a nice and honest person. I do not hear of a lot of men or women willing to even have enough courage to tell his/her lover, or even ex, that there is a chance that he/she could have an STD. You earn my respect for that op. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:00:46 AM | RickyMonch, you have stated you are a virgin in other posts... SO perhaps you may not understand the EMOTIONAL beating a person goes through personally on this particular subject.
However for those of us who have been emotionally manipulated and beaten by someone who has done the same thing, we sometimes forget that we have assets. That is NOT to say we have all had an STD, but we do know what it is like to be harshly judged...
When hurt and manipulated we can forget we have qualities that not all possess, she is extremely smart, and has a career and life ahead of her... AND YES, she is beautiful, BUT it doesn't mean it is JUST EXTERNAL... she doesn't have to feel tied to one person, because at her age and with with all the beauty inside and out she can feel good about getting out in the dating word.
ONLY having outer looks would TIE HER to those who may want to take advantage of her.
NOBODY has said anything about her LOOKS being tied to happiness. However she has a very beautiful soul as a person. She has NOT been hateful to anyone who has harshly judged her. She has been remorseful for something she NEED NOT have remorse for. There is NO BODY who needs to be the morality police to her, especially as harshly as she has beaten herself.
So if we women remind her of her beautiful qualities as a person, and that she is young and experiencing life, that has nothing to do with saying they are tied ONLY to happiness.
Perhaps you don't understand context of we middle aged women.... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:28:50 AM | I agree, can people please stop juding me on my actions. I know that i made some bad choices, and i know i made some good ones too (being honest)...i do not need people to keep telling me what i did wrong. I am not stupid, and i do not have self esteem issues. I didn't do any of those things as revenge...i would never stoop that low.
What i did over the past 3 months was because i was trying to find a way to deal with the lonliness, too feel loved again...yes, it was stupid...but i can't go back and change what i did. I can only learn from my mistakes and try to fix them.
I could have lied to him...but what good would that have achieved? I would rather put everything out there and be completely honest...so in future i do not have to live with regret and guilt of hiding something from him. I don't have any regrets in life, and i didn't want to have one by not telling him the truth.
And what if i had of lied? We work things out...in a years time he finds out from someone else what happened during those 3 months? I would rather allow us both to go through the hurt now...rather than a years time or whenever when it would be a lot worse.
I never intended to hurt anyone ove the past 3 months and I had no expectations that my ex and i were getting back together...
How many times do i need to say this for people to understand?
All i am asking is some suggestions on how i can show him that i care about him and that i want to work things out with him...nobody else?... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:44:14 AM | Just tell him you care, always be honest and don't try and explain your life away. You have done NOTHING wrong to him, and his approval should mean little to you at this point. You are an adult with a life and a mind of her own. Your happiness should come from within not from the approval of others.
A break up means you are no longer connected. Therefore you owe no explanations or apologies. Be true to yourself, stay healthy and keep up with the therapy. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 7:43:29 AM |
ever judged a man as a player Rain?.. um? then you've stereotyped...ohhh, how ingorant
no whitetigeress.....I dont believe I have!
I am mature enough to think of the the possible outcomes when I make a choice about something..and If I do get hurt out of it..I take responsability for my choices and learn from that.. I dont think I am able to be "played"
I think OP has to do the same....
as I said... she made wrong choices..she isnt the first to do this..and wont be the last...
No one has a right to judge her or make comments before knowing all sides to this story. It is something that she ultimatly has to do alone.
She has to do what is what is right for HER , and move on down her chosen path. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:31:23 AM | i dont think u necessarily have to prove urself
though u may wnt too
u were single yes? so yeh youve slept with a few men and caught an std, thats not good that u caught one, but if its treatable thats great, just a lesson to use condoms in the future as not everyone can be trusted!alot of ppl just asusme they are clean and fail to get tested, this is when mistakes and accidents happen!!
well wht has he done in the 3 months? has he messed around? and if he has is he apologising...
alot of men have the mistaken belied that they can go **** around wheras the women has to stay at home weeping for them, i know this through the men i am friends with, the majority of my good friends being male, saying thta not all men are the same and we cant tarnish all with the same brush
he needs to accept thta people make mistakes and if he needs to forgive you then maybe hes not the right man for you
if you were both single then theres no issue and you dont need his forgiveness though you may indeed feel guilty
youve done nothing wrong :-) | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:47:43 AM |
ONLY having outer looks would TIE HER to those who may want to take advantage of her.
NOBODY has said anything about her LOOKS being tied to happiness. However she has a very beautiful soul as a person. She has NOT been hateful to anyone who has harshly judged her. She has been remorseful for something she NEED NOT have remorse for. There is NO BODY who needs to be the morality police to her, especially as harshly as she has beaten herself.
So if we women remind her of her beautiful qualities as a person, and that she is young and experiencing life, that has nothing to do with saying they are tied ONLY to happiness.
Perhaps you don't understand context of we middle aged women....
well, personally, I do not know how this feels. But I've seen a few friends go through the whole problems of sex and being connected to someone.
you make sense, but if you, and the other members who stated how beautiful she is outside, and wanted to point out her beauty inside and as a person. Why not just say that her character and her way of being is the one thing that will make her be happy in the ened? kind of how a lot of you more mature women have stated to me that it is all about confidence and character and that looks do not matter.
Yet, it is just strange how a more mature lady points out the outer beauty and the youth a young lady has, instead of pointing out character worth and inner beauty, something that the op has shown that she has as well. It is only stated when one brings up this negative point of looks instead of character, that the person who said this tries to make it sound like he/she pointed out inner beauty as well.
As for the context , I do not understand the context of the middle aged women, because their context is mix from one person to another.
As for the op, at least she has shown that she learned from her errors and has not continue making those same errors. I've seen men and women do the same mistake and they continue to make those mistakes for a long time.
good luck op | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 12:00:44 PM | First of all, you did the right thing to tell him, morally and (believe it or not) legally.
Your opinion (or any others here) on whether you did the right thing or not, for sleeping with the other guys during your break-up, does not matter here. It is whether he thinks it was right or wrong and whether he can except it. The choice, from my point of view, is his since you are the one that wants to get back together and that it was him breaking it off. Therefor, again, the only opinion that matters for you two getting back together is his.
Unfortunately, if I was him and said you had to prove it to me, you were already out the door. First, because I have not made any commitments to you, I would put my health before a relationship that is rocky at best. Second, would I really want a girl that is as promiscuious as you have been? Not saying it is wrong, saying that it may not be what he wants. Finally, I broke up with you once cause I didn't have time for you, has anything changed?
Do I really want to make time for a promiscuious girl I had already broken up with and has an STD? I, myself, would not but my opinion does not matter in this case.
As cruel as it sounds, I am willing to bet he had more important things in his life so he broke up with you. I am willing to bet he will not get back together with you. My advice would be to suck it up and move on, leaving this lost cause behind, the relationship is over. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 12:17:26 PM | At that age....if he broke up with you, he's done. He's young enough to not have to settle....and he sounds like a guy who is quite a bit more serious than you. To answer your question, ....what can you do? Nothing. You already did it. He's done. There is nothing you can do.
My son is in college...he works....AND tries to date as well. It would take someone who is going through the same "time limit" hell that he is to be able to understand how LITTLE TIME someone like that has for a gf. When he is not in class and not at work, he has to study. Just about all he has time to do with a chick is study. If you can't or won't help him study, you are a liability rather than an asset. One hour driving distance is toooooooooooooooo farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away for a college kid working his way through.
The STD thing would absolutely totally end it if it were my son. LOL. He's got a good heart, but I know damn well that would be the end of it for you.
You might want to reassess your decision-making processes. I dont think you need "therapy"...(a word that gets tossed around way too much)....you just need a few more years of growing up to do.
You are young. You have lots of time. Let it go....but next time don't make the same mistakes. Learn from them. Find someone local. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 1:47:14 PM | All i am asking is some suggestions on how i can show him that i care about him and that i want to work things out with him...nobody else?...
If we were to give you suggestions on how to show him you care, then.......we would have to kill us......................
It means.......from the age of experience our opinion is a resounding.....NO CAN DO....
MOVE ON......there is no going back here for you....what is so difficult to understand about that....... We are never going to give you the answer you want........sorry.... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 2:15:57 PM | Ricky, I am glad you feel the need to tell others how they should post, and if they don't they are saying one thing over the other.
I don't post here so you can translate it to mean inner beauty over outer beauty. If you feel the need to translate it to mean one thing over the other, that is your choice.
If you believe other posters only think of her outer beauty, that is also your choice. If that seems weird to you, that is because you translate it to mean what you want it to mean... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 4:42:54 PM | Okay, getting back to the original question now, "how do I prove myself". There are ways that you can. There are also games that you can play to probably get him back. However, rather than give you an answer, I'm going to be another one in the line of people that says you shouldn't go back to him. Let me see if I can lay out his thinking in the whole situation.
Do you know what a "pre-emptive strike" is? It's used in both love and war to essentially mean striking before your opponent can so that your opponent can't do it. He broke up with you because he didn't have enough time for you? Hmm, shouldn't it be you breaking up with him because he can't give you enough time? Really, think back. Who was truly upset in the relationship before the breakup?
I think he went for the pre-emptive strike because he was worried that you would end it. By doing that, he made himself "unobtainable" to you. And what does everyone seem to want? The unobtainable. So, he made you an option while he also attempted to make you want him more.
He probably thought he'd go out and sleep with a few women and see if he can get better than you. He also thought that you'd sit there pining away trying to figure out how to win him back. And of course, if he couldn't find better than you, then you'd forgive him for sleeping around because you've already done it once before. Instead, his luck wasn't quite what he expected and ended up kissing a frog out of desperation. Then he made a promise similar to someone having a hangover on Sunday morning... "I'll never drink again." Eternity always seems to end when Friday begins.
So, he decided it was time to get you back since his other options weren't that great. Then you two start talking again. To his horror, you didn't sit around waiting for him to come back. You actually went out and had your own fun and were more successful than him... even if it was a bit irresponsible. His position in the relationship took a nose dive. So, instead of desperately clinging onto you and saying that he never should have broken up with you, he decides to make his next power play. He says that you need to prove yourself.
Basically, he wants you to grovel to him. He wants you to pretend that he's the greatest guy in the world and you're nothing before him. And maybe then once he has all the power in the relationship, he'll take you back.
Whether everything I say is true or not, it seems like there's a lot of manipulation going on from his part. Hun, RUN. Get out and find someone that won't play the games with you. Find someone that treats you as an equal, not just as the best option available. Find one that actually wants to treat you right. If you're willing to accept a man who's an equal rather than chasing after the posturing idiots like your ex, then you'll have no problem finding a good man. | |
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| how do i improve myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 5:07:24 PM | Well,. I'm going to try & be as blunt and honest as I can.. and most people won't like it and I'll probably catch hell. But, I'm crude, rude, & totally socially unaccptable,. and don't really care... here's how I see it:
You broke up with the bloke,.. your young,.. went out & did what young ones do...
BUT,.. here's how HE'S gonna look at it.. You broke up... You went out and ground a lot of bloke's sausages,.. caught the "Aussie Kangaroo Clap", and now.. want to get back with him because:
He was the best sausage you ground.."so-far"
Don't want to worry about the Aussie Kangaroo Clap anymore..(he's relitivilly safe)
Or You need a goood homestead, while you stake more claims in the Outback..
Truthfully,. I don't think you'll EVER "prove" yourself to him, and he will keep you jumping through hoops till it gets boring, and he moves on. I'm not saying this to hurt you, just what I've seen in everyday life..You're Young,. move on.. get over him, and start anew. OR take his punishment,..feel humiliated, and months later,..get over him, move on, start anew. Personally, I think you'll do the latter, because you'll refuse to believe,. In hind-sight, you can start a new post in broken hearts,.. entitled "Listen to the Whispers of the Demon" that will be enough for me.. Ohh and,. if you did it out of "lonliness", or "needyness" you DO have esteem issues,( if you're going to be honest)ONE bloke, is borderline,. several is "issues".. Just My view..   | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 5:29:44 PM | Gee-pers kiddo, you're 21.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue down the road of your life.
People have time for what they want to have time for or they make time for what is important to them.
Someday you'll look back... he'll just be a guy you knew one time.
Good Luck. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 5:56:06 PM | OP: There sure are a lot of pieces to this, but some things here are probably much more simple than might be thought.
First, whether he 'forgives you' is HIS problem, not yours. Your problem on the other hand is if you feel any guilt about anything (whether it be items in this discussion or other) that you find a way to forgive yourself and allow the old issue(s) to be burried. Tomorrow is a new day each day. This may sound trite, but often that's why it becomes so. Forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and move on. As for 'him forgiving you', you don't control that, and it's not yours to try to. [I'm not even going to address the 'prove to him' part....it's both moot and not worth it or even thinking about it one moment further; don't subject yourself to his ropes/bindings/enslavement 'criteria'...just not worth it and no way to live]
Second, telling him about the STD's was a good thing to do. Honesty is always the best way to go. Whether you gave him too much information or not.....I don't know. Nor do I personally think this is an issue. You told him what you felt you needed to tell him. If he loved you, he'd accept that you have needs here too, one of them being to communcate openly and honestly. He at this point can either prove himself to you(funny how that turns around) that he has the shoulders big enough to handle the relationship (and forgive) or show himself for what he is, and that might be too small a man to be yours.
There's a more underlying item here too that throws me somewhat though. You two have been together for two years now. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that with that much history together, that your shared BOND would be more obvious and apparent to you both, each of you. If after two years you're still struggling over issues which are fairly 'immediate in time' rather than oriented toward 'the horizon', I'm just not sensing that the relationship is not dieing becasue of anything at all really mentioned in this thread, but rather because it really has no where to go to in the first place (except maybe mutual anguish for some reason or convenience, or the fun on the game, but never really meaning much more than that). I'm not saying that all couples should know that they are looking at the altar after two years of dating, but rather you two still have time-management-priority and distance issues, which should have been at least addressed in concept by now. Your relationship might be too much based in the past when in fact a healthier relationship might be more with eyes to the future.
At this point, I'd say my best advice is for you to move on with your life in directions that you wish, and then in time it will be seen if he gets smart enough to realize the wonderful catch you'd be for him and start treating you that way or not. But in the mean time, don't plan for that nor count on it. ........and, if while you're going about your way, you couldn't be a little less impulsive and a bit more careful (sounding like your dad here I bet, sorry.....) that might not be such a bad thing either; just a suggestion.
Best of luck with the next point on your horizon....
o4 | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:51:57 PM | hey, thanks for the help everyone.
I got a msg from him today saying that he doesn't think he can ever be physical with me again and that he doubts very much that we'll ever have a relationship.
I called him during his lunch break at work to discuss it.
He said he has forgiven me, and that he is trying to move on and forget about it.
He said he doesnt want to see me this week or next week because he's still pissed off about the whole thing. He then went on to say that he isn't going to make the committment to be, he never has and never will because he doesn't know where he's going to be in a years time or whatever.
He is angry at me because i have been apologising for my actions. He said i need to let it go like he has and that they were mistakes and i need to learn from them...which i have.
I told him i was worried because before i told him about the STD, things were looking good for us and now i feel i have ruined everything. He said he still wants to talk to me and be friends, and that we're only 21 and have many years to work out all this sh*t.
He said he needs time and space and that he's busy with work, seeing people, the band he plays in etc...that he has a life and he's not going to commit to seeing me now.
So...yay...now the story gets a whole lot more confusing.
I can't keep playing this waiting game when i don't know what's going to happen between us in future. I don't know if i can be friends with him at the moment either.
I said to him that because of whats happened over the past couple of weeks with him..that i thought there was hope for us. He said there was...but after our talk about the sTD etc, things have changed.
Sometimes i wish i had a time machine. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:35:39 PM | I understand your heart must be with this guy deep. IT seemed like you guys would get back together then all of the sudden there is this glitch.
You don't know if it was just a I miss you booty call, then all the sudden it is over because of YOUR BAD.
He says he forgives you but he doesn't...Cause if he did he really wouldn't be angry with you.
Personally it sounds from your latest round of talk, he was looking for the perfect out... He has a life, he's going places, being the big man in a band ( I have a friend that said in his young days all band players live in this delussion they are going somewhere)
The major slap in the face has been YOU letting him into your heart only to be rejected yet again.
Hun, this was a battle you would NEVER have won. Stop beating yourself up, and feeling like you could have done things differently... No matter what, it wouldn't of happened...
We all like to think that some how we could have done something different, but the truth is he was already gone 3 months ago...
Pat off the dust, and look forward to YOUR OWN life...
DESPITE what Ricky seems to think us old broads mean... You are beautiful inside and out. You have gone to school for a reason, now is the time to find out who that person is inside of YOU.
You are young, and have time to pick and chose what it is you want in your life...
Sometimes ya win at the love game, and sometimes you don't.
Stand that nearly 6 ft of yourself up proud and tall, and remember who you are inside. Be that person you want to be, and that person whom ever it is will one day be there...
My best wishes for you... | |
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