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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 9:34:18 AM | I found this article at msn so just want to share it.
Age and profiles: Is it OK to fib?
By Debra Kent
So you’re 41 but know you’ll probably get a lot more interest if you post your age as 38. Or maybe you are a 52-year-old who shops at Urban Outfitters and listens to the same music as your college-age kid; would it really be so wrong to post your age as “40-something?” We take a closer look with this roundtable made up of single people like you and some online dating experts.
Q: Why is age so important anyway? Is it more important in the online dating world than out at a party or bar?
Stacy Kravetz, author of The Dating Race: An Undercover Report from the Front Lines of Modern-Day Romance: Age is an issue, no matter what age you are. Just when you’ve swallowed the big 3-0, it seems like every celebrity on the cover of People magazine is barely out of her teens. Online dating only magnifies the issue, because we’re given the option of pre-selecting for all the characteristics we find important, including age. And we get all this information about a potential date before we’ve even decided whether to meet them. So age becomes even more important, because we’re using it as a criterion before a date, rather than a piece of information we learn on the date itself. Also, men tend to worry that women between 35 and, say, their early 40s are bound and determined to have kids. So even if they’re 35 themselves, men tend to look for women who are younger just to take the pressure off the situation. Not that women over 35 are all looking to mate for life on the first date—but to see the way men run for cover, you’d think they were.
Jack Conway, author of the eBook, Guaranteed To Get A Date Guide: We live in a youth-obsessed culture. Whether we like it or not, our society equates youth with beauty. But it goes beyond that: In order for a relationship to work, people need to have common interests, goals and lifestyles. These things tend to be age-related. So there’s very little chance that a 20-year-old woman will view her interests, goals and lifestyle as similar to those of a 40-year-old man.
Q: Exactly how many years do online daters typically shave off their age?
Cozette, online dater, 38: I delete four years—it’s closer to the age most people guess I am, and it’s closer to the age I feel. When I posted my real age, I didn’t get any emails for the first two months. Not one. So I changed it to 34 and within days I had literally hundreds of responses. So far, no one has ever questioned it.
Debbie, online dater, 53: I say I’m 47 because that’s around the age I’m looking for in a date. I’ve had a lot more emails since I adjusted my age. Now people I’m interested in — and the ones who are interested in me — are actually finding me.
Pamela, online dater, 50: I reduce mine by three years. We all discount our ages—you have to since people are using age ranges as part of their search criteria. If you’re fit, attractive and hoping to meet the same, you have to lower your age.
Jerry, online dater, 53: I’ve been tempted many times to fudge my age online, but I think it’s a mistake because once you start lying, you’ve got a big mess on your hands. But I do steer around the issue when I meet someone face-to-face. If I sense that the conversation is moving in that direction — like, what year I graduated college — I’ll change the subject. Women usually misgauge my age by about five years.
Q: When, if ever, is it time to fess up with your actual age?
Debbie, 53: Once someone contacts me by email and it looks promising, I tell the truth before we meet. I explain why I lied in the first place, and it’s never been a problem.
Pamela, 50: At the first meeting, so the truth is on the table as soon as possible. As long as you fess up right away it’s not really lying. More like truth in lending.
Cozette, 38: I think I’d fess up over the course of becoming friends. This way we’ve already made a connection, and hopefully he’s less likely to bail. But sometimes the truth comes out before you get the chance to confess. Last weekend I took one of my online dates, who was 28, to my brother’s birthday party, and my brother slipped my real age. Luckily, we already had a rapport, so my date didn’t seem to mind too much. It’s funny... he wants to be exclusive now. He doesn’t seem to care about the age difference at all. But I might.
Q: How do dates react to the confession?
Pamela, 50: Actually, my date was relieved. I was 49 at the time, but I could pass for 38. I told him I was 46. When we first met I was wearing this short skirt — I tend to dress young — I looked really cute. We sat down, started talking. I said, “Look. I have to be honest with you. I’m not 46. I’m 49.” And he said, “Thank you.” It turns out that he’d lied, too. He claimed that he was 49, but he was really 52.
Kirk, online dater, 40: Lying of any kind was an absolute deal-breaker for me. This happened to me twice with women I’d met online through a dating service. They had some system where they divided you into age categories and assigned every group a letter of the alphabet. I was an F because I fell into the 35-39 bracket. I found interesting women profiled in the F’s. But in both cases, they admitted over dinner that they’d altered their age because they felt they belonged in the younger category. One of them was truly the most beautiful woman I’d ever met. She said, “I just couldn’t consider myself a G. All the other women in G look so much older than me.” She really did look a lot younger than her age, but that insecurity about her age was not attractive.
Let me tell you a quick story: Last October, I got married to a wonderful woman I met online. She was 42, I was 39. She was honest about her age and I was absolutely charmed. She said, “I treasure my maturity,” and when I heard those words, I knew I’d met the woman I wanted to be with.
Q: How do you handle it when dates turn up looking older than they say they are—should you say something?
Jack Conway: If you’re having a good time with your date, you may not want to bring it up at that very moment. But you don’t want to start off a possible relationship with a huge doubt, either. If the date goes well, you’ll most likely be talking with this person afterwards, probably by email, maybe on the phone. That could be a good time to bring up your concerns. But subtlety is the key. That way they feel at ease and are more likely to spill the beans. One way to bring up the issue might be — and you’ll want to say this with a bit of humor — “You know, I know you’re only 34 years old, but you come off as someone who’s a bit older and wiser.” I’m not saying you have to say this word for word, but if you have any concerns at all, about age or anything else, it’s in your best interest to deal with it early on.
Stacy Kravetz: It would be tough to broach the subject. Some people just look older. And once we reach a certain age, say, over 30, it’s pretty hard to tell how old anyone is based purely on looks. You could try to be subtle. Get into a conversation about awful music from the 80s, for instance. Couch it in terms of what life stage you were at then—grade school, high school, college, first real job... Anyone who was in high school in the mid-80s is under 40 years old.
Erin, online dater, 42: I’ve come up with a surefire way of getting them to fess up. When a man tells me his age and I suspect he’s lying, I’ll say, “That’s really too bad because I prefer older men.” Right away they’re scrambling to explain why they lied and even breaking out IDs to prove that they’re older.
Q: What should you do if you spot a profile of a person you’d love to meet, but they’re looking for someone younger than you—should you contact them? And should you lie about your age?
Jack Conway: I’ve found that most people use these age ranges only as loose guidelines. So, I’d say go for it. Don’t lie about your age, but go ahead and make the first contact. Most of the time, if two people are connecting and really seem to enjoy each other’s company, it won’t be a concern.
Kirk: I firmly believe that if you can’t be honest in online dating, you shouldn’t be dating at all. It’s not fair to the people out there who are being honest and trying to meet someone they can be with.
Jerry: Women are skittish enough—you tell them you lied about your age and they’ll be wondering what else you’ve lied about. Next thing you know, they’re wondering if you served time in San Quentin.
Stacy Kravetz: Most men can get over knowing that the person they’re dating is older than she says more easily than knowing she lied about it. If you see an amazing profile asking that only younger women apply, why not just send a light-hearted email admitting that you’re having the 5th anniversary of your 30th birthday and see if he’ll raise his age bar? But I don’t think you should lie. The problem with lying is that if the relationship works out, you’re eventually going to have to get honest—or perpetually hide your driver’s license. How long can that go on?
Debra Kent is a freelance writer and author of The Diary of V series of books.
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:43:52 AM | Qoute: I guess.. sorry lying is lying and that is lying even you admit in person,profile...if you will manipulate the truth to get notice ,what else will you manipulate later?******* Meek,blushing, soo sorry that I lowered the number of my age. I lowered the numerals of my bank record too... | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:56:25 PM | I was a dancer in my younger days, I still dance for fun, a boy of 21 said I am old but I can dance I was doing a showdown dance doing fancy footwork,fast body moves. I was a bit miffed ,I asked him how old does he think I am ,he said 27. I told him he was a good that he got it right, 56-29=27. Wow !I knocked 29 years of my age. The bottomline here is energy ,good out look in life,healthy. If a person says his age is 45 when actually he is 50 I am not going to rubbed his insecurities to his face. Age is just a number but it gave experiences and wisdom. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:58:31 PM | I AM AN AGE LIAR..
I PUT THIS IN MY PROFILE....
"my age is not 48 i am 56. i didn't want to be left out of any searches. i hope in your heart you understand and forgive me for this. i prefer and am best suited for women in the 25 to 45 age group."
i was hoping for comments from women who are in my search category 25 to 45. i already know what older woman over 45 are going to say. does it bother you younger women 25 to 45? | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 2:04:20 PM | I started talking a guy who swore he was 38, but his pictures screamed 50, so I found out his real age (50) and he claimed he had multiple sclerosis and that's why he looked so much older. So I asked him if it was the MS that caused him to lie. I had no problem with him being 50 but I did have a problem with the fact that he lied about it, made me wonder, what else did he lie about.
Needless to say, we don't speak anymore. I personally don't see the need to lie, the truth will reveal itself sooner or later. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 2:05:04 PM | | I am 27 according to this guy of 21 so I can answer you as a young woman, it does not bother me if you lied and stick on your lies of 48 in 7 years you'll be 56 any way and you 'll be telling the truth.lol. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 5:50:36 PM | | It starts early you know.Last week I was shopping with my grandson. A lay asked how old he was. I said,He's a year old. She said well he sure doesn't look it. He just smiled and batted his baby blue eyes. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:52:00 PM | People are being a little ridiculous about this. Describing yourself accurately for the initial search may apply more to perceived age than actual number of years on this earth. Most people have a picture of an over 50 woman as sagging, grey, wrinkled, inactive and not much fun. These days, this image does not apply to a lot of women. Most men online think they want a younger woman. However, in real life, the men who approach me are usually much younger. Occasionally a man my age or older might approach me, but rarely would one fit into my active lifestyle. So long as it is cleared up immediately in the profile and people are not misled into thinking that you are something that you are not, anyone who calls this lieing is being incredibly judgemental. However, when one hides their age or true appearance until meeting, it is definately a deal breaker. I found one way to avoid this was to insist on meeting over webcam first.
I have been in an extremely happy relationship for a year now and he appreciates my complete honesty, among other things. (I still like to read the threads once in a while so no, I am not thinking of cheating. My profile is unsearchable.) He is very happy that he had the wisdom not not be anal about this. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 8:58:10 PM | | Lying about one's age is a misreprentation of a material fact. If a person lies about his or her age on a profile he or she will lie about anything. A liar is a liar. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/22/2008 9:12:45 PM |
I PUT THIS IN MY PROFILE....
"my age is not 48 i am 56. i didn't want to be left out of any searches. i hope in your heart you understand and forgive me for this. i prefer and am best suited for women in the 25 to 45 age group."
Wow.
I just wouldn't have the stones to do that. You put 48 on your profile in order to get a search hit, then mention in your profile you are actually 8 years older.
It's still dishonest.
The bit I find interesting is your desired age-range not only tops-out at 11 years younger than you, but starts at a whopping 31 years younger?
i prefer and am best suited for women in the 25 to 45 age group
I don't know about anybody else, but I would be struggling to know anything I could possibly have in common with a 25-year-old (and I'm 47). I certainly couldn't imagine being brought along to a gathering with her friends and introduced as 'the boyfriend'.
Nothing wrong with a 56-year-old going out with a 45-year-old, but the lower you go, the more we head into 'mid-life crisis' territory I think. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 4:11:32 AM | | Too funny I run into this. I was speaking to someone who did this, and I will honestly say, it ruined EVERYTHING.Thank God it only got as far as a phone conversation. I really thought it was a joke at first. A lie is a lie. If someone is that insecure about how old they are then they may really need to sit down and think about things. And these huge age differences...I am not being mean, but if any man, thinks for 5 minutes in his late 50's a 25 year old, maybe even 30 year old is going to have that much in common with him and stick around for the long haul, he has another thing comming. I am simply being realistic. I am 38, should I put on my profile I am 29 or 30 to try and reel in a 30 year old, only to tell him I am lying? Not a good start. I just think it is pathetic personally. And from what has happend to me so far in the dating world, where there is one lie, there will be quite a few that follow. My life is pretty much an open book. We have all had things happen, and I will tell anyone anything. But no need to start off with lies. Besides, what the hell do you talk about? Chuck E Cheese and College parties, vs. retirement, and realistic life turn of events? Lets be real people. Just start of honest and be an adult. It is the liars that make dating such a pain. I am far from perfect, but I do not lie. I do not ever want to mis lead anyone. I met and moved for a man who did that to me about a number of things, it is VERY hurtful. Don't do it people. Just accept the reality of who you are and what you are. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 11:16:51 AM | | MSG82. I was just joking ). If a person put 48 years old ,then said I am not 48 I am 56, in his profile and wants to know what the younger woman thinks about him ? I wonder what he is expecting to hear from younger women. And He claims he knows what the older women would say to him ? | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:04:13 PM | You are so right, and there are many men YOUR age who will use MY age (or thereabouts) on their profile, for exactly the same reason. Some of them even have the nerve to write in their profile that they are really X age, but since they (think) they "look" _____(take away 15 years from X age) they just put that age. They think that "feeling" or "looking" younger (no matter how delusional they are on the looks thing) justifies lying about their age to fall into the search categories of much younger women.
I'm with you, lying is lying, and if you'll lie about that, what WON'T you lie about??? | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:12:57 PM |
i was hoping for comments from women who are in my search category 25 to 45. i already know what older woman over 45 are going to say. does it bother you younger women 25 to 45?
Tom, my friend ~ thanks for considering 44 one of "you younger women"  Yes, Dear ~ it's bothers some of us. It's an instant deal breaker for me. I finally gave in to the age-restriction option here. I'm using 48, knowing full well ~ some of them will be 54+++ ~ good grief, it's tragic. Just don't do it. You likely won't get far with women of ANY age not just the younger women. I know there are success stories of those who have lied, but there are far more people of the mindset that it's not going anywhere after the lie is discovered. It's just a poor way to start any situation, including friendship. JMO  | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:24:27 PM | | Well guy's I am 50 and proud of it. I guess some people still live under the assumption they are 21. Please grow up guy's and let's be truthful for everyone's sake. What's more that isn't the only thing you guy's lie about. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:38:29 PM |
I AM AN AGE LIAR..
I PUT THIS IN MY PROFILE....
"my age is not 48 i am 56. i didn't want to be left out of any searches. i hope in your heart you understand and forgive me for this. i prefer and am best suited for women in the 25 to 45 age group."
i was hoping for comments from women who are in my search category 25 to 45. i already know what older woman over 45 are going to say. does it bother you younger women 25 to 45?
I am 41, and this would seriously tick me off if I met you under the pretense that you are 48. I am in a relationship with a 48 year old right now, but 7 years older than me is about as much of an age difference as I want. I am absolutely not interested in someone who is 56, I don't care WHAT you look like or HOW "young" you "feel," I. Am. Not. Interested.
And seeing that you are being deceptive in your profile would instantly cause me to click right on past. I can't help wondering if it's really doing you any good to "not be left out of any searches," when most of the women who see your profile are going to eliminate you from the get-go because they can already see that you are the type to be deceptive to suit your own agenda. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:11:08 PM | all the comments are noted and being considered. and to the gentleman who said that it takes stones to do what i do i can only answer )))) sir, i have boulders. we all have preferences and that age range is mine. and yes, i have a number of issues and interests in common with the younger women in their mid twenties.
what i come away with is... a lie is a lie.
lie once for any reason and it over shadows any other statements or actions you make.
so... if i'm datng one of you and you ask if this outfit makes your azz look big i'm supposed to say..............??????
at this point i am seriously considering changing my posted age to the correct one . but i know i have to cancel this profile, go out and start again, am i correct? | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/24/2008 4:03:09 PM | I played by the rules, 'honesty is the best policy.' Yet I know for a fact it placed me in the guys eyes, as old relates to sexless. I really do look 5 years younger in person, but when a guy has a younger chic on his mind, what are you going to do.
The offers dwindle to nothing I have found out by stating my real age. I am now considering the alternative. You can always tell them your real age when you meet, or if you meet. Just attempting to get a chance to meet on your own merits is not even considered when age is conisdered a flaw. | |
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| lying about age to get searched is still lying
Posted: 9/24/2008 6:28:47 PM | | I have only been on POF for 2 months and it happened to me on my first attempt at dating. Her picture was rather obscure and our first date went well but I could tell she looked older than her picture. We broke it off after 3 dates and it turned out her picture was outdated and she was 5 years older than she said. She never mentioned it. I would have found out eventually and it would have been a deal breaker. A lie is a lie, I am shocked to find this is a common practice. Hope this doesn't discourage me. My age and pictures are current and accurate by the way | |
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