| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 8:08:50 PM | OP- that is a matter of personal choice and nothing more. The catch-22 with your question is that it propagates the misperception that one's value is defined by their disability. Hogwash!
Enough said. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 8:09:37 PM | Wizechicklet said:
If it's a 'hidden disability' like schizophrenia or diabetes, it should still not be concealed. Finding out later is more upsetting, believe me. If someone can't deal with it, they wouldn't be there for you when it counts.
*******************************************************************
Hold that thought! Diabetes a disability? I think not! I am a diabetic and I'm not even close to being disabled! I know a diabetic that is a marathon runner and an Iron Man Triathalon participant. So diabetes can't be considered a disabling condition. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 8:33:46 PM | Tell me in their profile.
That way, I can make an educated decision about the entire person. I'd have no problem dating a blind or deaf man, but any disability that affects the mind, I'd have issue with. | |
|
| |
_bre_
|
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 8:55:24 PM | | i think it's up to the person who has a disability to talk about it with whomever they chose. you would want someone to like you for you, not feel sorry for you because of a disability or like you but not enough to want to be with you because of something. i know how it feels to have someone find out that you have a disability and they don't want to be associated with you when they find out because they don't want to be seen with you on your bad day. to me it's just pathetic!!! | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:16:31 PM | The catch-22 with your question is that it propagates the misperception that one's value is defined by their disability. Hogwash!
Well this question sure brought out some heartfelt opinions....
Let me clarify why I put this to a forum. I communicated with a couple attractive men according to their photos and profiles. They were both active, enjoyed the same things as I did. One was over 6' tall and the other was under 6', different color eyes --generally just two different people but I liked both profile. I'm thinking wow, somebody to swim with, ride motorcycle with, maybe play racquetball with, hike with, rollerblade with and other physical things I enjoy doing--working in the yard, gardening, boating etc.
Profile A and I began to move on to phone chat when during our conversation after weeks had passed he suddenly discloses that he has a hard time getting dates because he is in a wheelchair. While my heart went out to him, I was totally unprepared for someone with such a disability. It had been a little less than a year since the death of my husband who was in a wheelchair toward the end of his life. I was not ready to go there again. When I suggested to him that perhaps he would not be so discouraged if he disclosed that up front then he would know that those who contacted him did not have any issue with it, he got really mad at me.
I finally had to disconnect the phone call...he was that irate at my suggestion. I went back online to delete his contact information when profile B instant messaged me. He said something that was not familiar to my conversations with him but were familiar with my encounter with profile A. Finally he says 'It's me, it's Tim'. Turns out both profiles were the same person. When I asked why  he had two profiles he said he used profile B to get even with women who rejected him on profile A.
Ok this was a huge dealbreaking red flag and I told him to do the right thing and delete the bogus profile which he refused to do. The end result was he harassed me repeatedly with several profiles until I reported him to Big Fish.
I was not emotionally ready to deal with someone in a wheel chair at that point in my life. Would I ever be,I don't know--maybe. I was willing to meet him and find out how I actually felt but then he went beserk so I concluded he had issues.
I felt that I had been deceived into thinking I was engaging conversation with someone I could do physical activities together with. I also felt that if he had put in his profile that perhaps he would not have been disappointed all the time and it would help get rid of his anger issues.
So I was curious what others thought. I don't actually think that every little thing should be..but I don't think another 'fish' should be deceived into thinking that they have met someone they can enjoy favorite activities with, if that is not the case.
Ok---now you can all yell at me   | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:30:27 PM |
So diabetes can't be considered a disabling condition. .
I don't care if the guy runs a marathon every day before breakfast. If he can't get it up, that's something I want to know about. Many men with diabetes have ED, and that, among other conditions, should be disclosed pretty early on.
I wouldn't say that a person who is disabled or has a condition that affects their everyday life should put it in their profile for the whole world, but they should definitely disclose it well before any meeting.
Call me whatever you want, I have enough to deal with in my life and I'm not interested in getting involved with a man who is going to need any kind of care or special accommodations. That's why my profile specifies that I'm only interested in healthy guys.
Yeah, yeah, some of you are going to have to be restrained from the flaming emoticon. So, let me say now that it's completely different if you are already in love with and devoted to somebody and something happens to them. I have taken care of somebody who needed it and I would again, if I felt the same way about him as I did about that man.
And, I am well aware that I may become disabled at any moment. I would deal with it, as I have every other curve ball I've been thrown. I would deal with it alone, if I were alone, and with a supportive partner if I had one. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:31:00 PM | I don't think it should be required but I've seen quite a few profiles that openly state or show in photos thinks like wheelchairs or heath issues.
I've noticed most people are quite honest even after taking or chatting a bit if they have any concerns they want you to know about because they, in my opinion, don't want their time wasted either if this is an issue for the person they are talking with. You usually get this with someone who's more talkative right off and not shy at all.  | |
|
| |
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:07:15 PM | I don't care if the guy runs a marathon every day before breakfast. If he can't get it up, that's something I want to know about. Many men with diabetes have ED, and that, among other conditions, should be disclosed pretty early on.
****************************************************************************
Ah! Of course! A woman to whom the erect penis means more than anything else! A woman who would instantly reject a diabetic for that. I do feel sorry for women like you. You have yet to learn there are other, very efficient ways to satisfy a woman sexually. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:21:12 PM | ^^^ Don't feel sorry for me. I know about all that & it's great. There are lots of women who are perfectly fine with not having sex, but being satisfied in other ways. I'm not one of them.
Edit to add:
You shouldn't smoke if you're diabetic. Very bad for the circulation. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:30:19 PM | I think it is a personal choice if someone wants to put their disability on their profile but no one should force them to do so. Having any sort of disability is hard enough without being forced to tell the world about it. Further, a lot of disabilites are misunderstood or have stigmas attached to them and would just hurt the person with the disability even more.
Sure, the person with the disability needs to tell the other person when the relationship comes to that and before it gets too serious. But they need to do so when they are comfortable.
A disability does not make someone less of a person. And if we are to list disabilities why not allergies, past medical problems, if we are capable to have children or not, the medical history of our parents etc. I mean why not just stop at a persons disability.
Shame, shame, shame.
~Carrie | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:37:07 PM | | ^^^No, it doesn't make them less of a person, but it might make them a person that some other people won't want to date, for a lot of reasons that are just as valid as the disabled person's right to treat the disclosure of their disability any way they want to. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:42:37 PM | ^^^ Don't feel sorry for me. I know about all that & it's great. There are lots of women who are perfectly fine with not having sex, but being satisfied in other ways. I'm not one of them.
****************************************************************************
Well...of course you're not! But you were the very first woman to spout off about diabetics with an ED. And, my dear woman, there is a whole lot more to sex than just copulation. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:44:49 PM | Yeah, I got that. I'm just saying I want it all, OK? There are lots of women who don't feel that way, but I do. If a guy can't bring the whole order, I'd just as soon skip the appetizer, ya know?
And smoking only excerbates that particular symptom. Many women certainly would not be interested in a guy who not only has a potentially disabling illness, but didn't do everything possible to minimize its effect on his life and relationships. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:56:18 PM | Yeah, I got that. I'm just saying I want it all, OK? There are lots of women who don't feel that way, but I do. If a guy can't bring the whole order, I'd just as soon skip the appetizer, ya know?
****************************************************************************
Granted! I know a couple that live in Pennsylvania (I think that's spelled right?) He is a diabetic. She is not. They have gotten together and have formed a loving relationship. He uses a chemical substance (the name of which I can't remember, but it's not Viagra) and she tells me that he provides the best sex she's ever had. So you see, ma'am....one should never rule out a diabetic because we CAN perform! | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/10/2008 11:27:57 PM | RE: First post.
If its anything thats going to embarass you in public than it should be mentionned straight out the gate. Or if its a life threatening condition. Thats the plain truth of it. Despite peoples wishy washy ideals of "I dont care what other people think" (which is BS and everyone knows it, people often mistake not CARING to what people think with not REACTING to what people think) people DO care. So if its something embarassing in a public situation like terrets, you shoudl spill.
THe only exception being that if you never plan to meet the person face to face, it doesnt matter. Purely online relationships, friends or otherwise, dont require full disclosure. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 12:17:12 AM | Getting back to the original thought for this thread....I think it should be up to each individual to mention, or not mention any disabilities that he, or she might have. As I mentioned earlier....I am a diabetic. I seldom mention that on a profile simply because 1. It isn't a critical disability. 2. Diabetics are quite often rejected because diabetic men do have an ED problem. BUT....ED problems can be taken care of with chemical substances. So if a woman can see beyond the erection and doesn't have a problem with the man taking a little pill before the "ho ha" good things can happen.
Again....mentioning a disability is a personal choice. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 1:06:40 AM | Face it, this and everything like this is a *meat market* to some extent.
Everything that is major should be disclosed before the first date, period.
Lost limbs, diabetic, lactose issues. It is only fair. Why surprise someone with your..... whatever? | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 2:10:16 AM | Sauder said:
Everything that is major should be disclosed before the first date, period.
Lost limbs, diabetic, lactose issues. It is only fair. Why surprise someone with your..... whatever?
***************************************************************************
Right the hell on! | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 2:55:40 AM | Spoke to a guy from another site..........had good conversations with him.....he seemed interesting so we decided to meet for lunch............Had a good lunch, then HE decided he liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship with me.......then he proceeded to tell me a little about his life and to casually drop in that he is on medication for bi-polar and depression........... At the time, I was such an idiot, I didn't even know what bi-polar was.......but the depression part scared me enough..............What I felt was ambushed.......................I did not like that feeling at all, at all............
Another time met a guy as we both worked downtown and would sometimes be on the same bus and train.......started talking to each other until it progressed to dinner etc.... He was a little younger than me but no biggie.......Eventually, after a while it went the next step.............only to find out that he had major problems getting it up....... could only be done mildly after a lot of work and effort............ I was not impressed.....
Scary part was he thought we were perfect together and had a lot of chemistry and should start being together exclusively...WTF?? He was also lazy so did not feel that he should get down and make the effort for me to gain some satisfaction......... and was a cheapskate and a tightwad to boot...........I really had no problem blowing him off..... what was there to stay for???? He still calls me up now and then to ask when will I ever stop running away from him.......too nice girl that I am, I pretend with him that everything was okay in "that" department to save his ego......... | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 3:25:08 AM | I think that it should come out in conversation. Like, if you're taking a handful of pills just to get through the day, I might want to know that... That's the kind of thing that would affect the relationship or your thinking so some warning would be appreciated.
If your disability doesn't really affect the relationship though, no need to throw it out there right way. Example: Having a bad back isn't a deal breaker but being Manic Depressive might be. That's not anything against a person with a disability, it's knowing and understanding that some require much more effort than others to overcome. Not everyone is up to handle that sort of thing.
So no, shouldn't be listed in the profile, but should be disclosed during the first few conversations IMO. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 3:46:52 AM | I'd like to say it wouldn't matter to me, but having been through this once I know it does. I had some lovely conversations with a man and they went on for quite some time...some email and then the phone. About a month into it we agreed to meet and then he told me. I was not happy...I felt like I'd been blindsided...to me it was no better than having someone lie about their marital status etc.
I don't think it should be on the profile, but I think it should be mentioned within a few messages. | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 4:05:41 AM | Sometimes I think they are hoping to "shame" you into being with them.......that's the manupilative part of the whole scenario that rubs me the wrong way.......
I am black.........some people dont like blacks.......I show my picture, I tell in my profile.....they now have a choice if they want to write to me or if they want to respond when I contact them...........If they read my forum posts.........they will see I cannot suffer fools gladly and I dont wanna..................
If I keep back detrimental information from a prospective S/O and they drop me later when they find out..........I have no-one to blame but myself for any hurt .......... and I would be unfair to label that person "shallow" | |
|
| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/11/2008 4:33:37 AM | OP - regarding your experience:
The only thing that him disclosing his disability at the onset would have prevented is your "imagination". Maybe, you may have decided not to interact with him at all if you had known through his profile that he was non-ambulatory. Here's the problem though. I have known individuals in wheelchairs with wonderful attitudes as well as those so stuck in victim mentality it's infuriating. So at the onset, without knowing a thing about his attitude - you may well have passed over this man. But what if other than his wheelchair he was a terrific person otherwise?
On the matter of talking over several weeks, I personally make it a point to meet early on. Several reasons for that. First, it is a limited scope view of a person via email, instant messaging and on the telephone. So if I find myself really enjoying the conversations, it behooves me to meet that person face to face before I set myself up for hurt and potential disappointment if this person is not who he appears to be.
And...the bottom line is simply this. People who are personality-disordered, players, and all manner of manipulative by their very nature are not going to disclose this about themselves. In part, for some it spoils the game, others are not even aware that they have a problem.
So all of that being said...where is the "protection" in posting a disability in a profile? All it does is position the better grounded men (and women too for the benefit of the men) to be subjectively judged on the basis of their disability.
For the most part, it is not an issue of deceit to fail to post a disability. It is more dealing with the pervasive attitudes that one encounters every day that having a disability makes one "less able" when nothing is further from the truth. While you may feel that you have a right to know in the interests of making an informed choice, so does the disabled person have the right to disclose at a time of his/her choosing. Case in point for the sake of conversation. What if you, as a woman, had a limp but your life experience was that men (and there are those that want the window dressing more than the actual person) saw your limp and subsequently decided on the basis of your limp that you were not worth the investment of any more time in getting to know you. Let's say that you are a wonderful person other than that limp. Are you then going to put up front in your profile that you have such a limp? Of course not. It would be like setting yourself up for rejection on the merits of your limp rather than who you are.
Now, in the case of the man you encountered. The right thing for him to have done would be to disclose early on in the conversations that he was non-ambulatory. Had he adjusted to his disability, he likely would have. But as your experience clearly demonstrates, he was obviously not. That is his ownership - not anyone else's. That you got "stung' in the process is in part due to your own imagination which, according to your own statement, was already in motion.
I'm thinking wow, somebody to swim with, ride motorcycle with, maybe play racquetball with, hike with, rollerblade with and other physical things I enjoy doing--working in the yard, gardening, boating etc.
You have just as much risk in encountering what you experienced in terms of his behavior with a "non-disabled" person as you do with a "disabled" person. So where, really, is the margin of emotionally safety? There isn't one.
As with all encounters via the internet, it behooves one to exercise due diligence in putting brain in gear before engaging heart. | |
|
Home
login 
