| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/22/2008 10:36:44 PM | | outofthedesert... one thing just popped in my mind that I thought was worth mentioning... Be very careful when you sign. Sometimes there are regional differences and "slang" that can really change a way something is interpreted. An example I can think of right now happened one day in church. My EX was talking to someone and I signed "are you hungry" to her. She signed back "Very HUNGRY"...she thought... One of our ASL interpreters told her that when that sign is continued below the coller it takes on a "sexual wanting" meaning. It was funny because only the interpreters and I saw it, but she was rather embarrassed at the time. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 3:35:07 AM | | I think one should mention a serious medical condition or disability if two people are seriously contemplating starting a relationship with each other. But sometimes I think it can be morally right to not tell someone about a medical condition; I would not tell a friend who was not really close for example, about my most intimate and delicate medical issues, and sharing in fact could make the friend feel very uncomfortable, and rightly so (due to inappropriately shared intimacy of yourself with another). One should err on the side of commonsense, mutual respect and moral integrity, and not reveal or conceal more than is warranted in any situation. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 3:55:01 AM | I haven't told anyone about my wooden leg and I don't intend to.
All kidding aside, this is such a delicate question in today's oh-so-PC world. By listing any disabilities, you very well might be painting yourself into a corner. But at the same time, you might be saving yourself some hurt feelings or rejection by those who are superficial or shallow and base too much of a person's worth on their appearance.
I know a person who is extremely shallow and won't even consider getting to know a woman whose a little overweight or not considered "pretty enough" by his standards. Those types, however, are all about their own egos and insecurities and someone most people wouldn't want to align themselves with, anyway.
I honestly don't have an answer to this question but would tend to think that disabilities are someone's own business and they should be able to disclose them at their own discretion. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:08:42 AM | | If the disability is going to affect the two of you, I think you should be obligated to tell them. If someone has a limp because of a bad accident they were in a long time ago, I doubt its going to affect you much unless you're looking for a running buddy. However, if you are near legally blind and need someone to hold your hand when going places because you can't get a focus on steps or changes in lighting, then yes, I think you should tell that person early on in the communications (and I mean like email # 2 or definitely phone conversation # 1) | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 5:40:47 AM | | I always wonder this myself. Having had MASSIVE spinal surgery four years ago, I technically could be considered disabled. However, I'm exceedingly stubborn and refuse the label, and I'm lucky enough to have something that I can push myself through and 99% of the time succeed at pretending to be perfectly normal. BUT I've been left with some pretty ugly scars (one the length of my back, one on my hip, and another foot long one on my stomach from a previous incident). I never know if I should disclose that or not. I know being less than a perfect hard body is really a turn off to most guys my age, and I almost perfer those who would have an issue with it to weed themselves out without ever contacting me | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:35:51 AM | I just don't understand why so many people dissreguard anyone with any dissability. There are so many people out in this old world that are missing out on true love and companionship because they are so hung up on perfection.
Everyone should always be honest on their profiles. If you are indeed looking for a serious relationship and you are upfront about any dissability that you might have, then you will find the mate that suits you the best and he you. Compatablity is very important, as are Communication, Companionship and the Commitment that the two of you want to share.
You must understanding that everything a couple might share, can change with age, misfortune or anything else that causes a dissability. That doesn't mean that people that are dissabled in any way are any less deserving of love and companionship. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:54:22 AM | | I don't think disabilities need to be listed on profiles but I think if you are talking to someone and thinking of going out with that person, it's a good idea to disclose such things. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:14:15 PM | I agree that some things need to be talked about "behind closed doors" as the saying goes. We all have our scars, our stories to tell and fear how we will be judged when it is time to open our lives up for full examination. Though many doors have been open over the years there are still many that remain bolted closed and may never allow access.
I feel the bottom line is taking time to get to know who you are talking to. The person with the disability may find there is a lot more compassion in others than they realize. The Person that takes the time to get to know the disabled person might find that it is true "appearances can be deceiving" and with-in that person is all they have been looking for.
Share the important things and be up front whether you decide to put it in your profile or only start to discuss in the first one or two emails. In the end we are all (okay most people) here to meet someone we want to share our life with. More money is spent on learning how to attract other people than in researching the disabilities anyway. They say there is someone for everyone, so just take your time and treat others how you want to be treated... you will know when you find your match.
"Whenever GOD closes a window he opens a door" | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:27:22 PM | Should disabilities be listed on a profile? No. It's no one's business other than your own. A profile on here isn't meant to let other people know 100% about you. It's to give people a summary of what you're all about, and to see if that matches what they're looking for.
Should you tell someone you've been conversing with, but haven't met yet, about your disabilities? Yes. Especially if you think this is a person you'd like to get to know offline. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/27/2008 8:41:59 AM | | Good question imagery101! I myself have a disability (Multiple Sclerosis). However, I do not have it posted on my profile. Main Reason: there are many types of MS, some more disabling than others. Many are in wheelchairs, use canes, etc. If you tell people too quickly or post that you have a disability (especially one most don't have a clue about) they get the wrong idea. If I didn't tell people I have MS, they would never know it. I do eventually tell people, but not on first meeting someone. If the person I meet is someone I would like to get to know, I tell them. I think it is necessary since it is something I will have for the rest of my life. Granted, I am lucky, I have a full-time job as a legal assistant, but, because I have to self-inject one a week, I feel it is something I need to disclose eventually. What would you think if you opened someone's refrigerator and saw injectibles? It's no big deal to me, but to some it is. If the other person is uncomfortable with that, so be it. That's why I think it should be brought out in the open. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/28/2008 7:26:43 AM | It is certainly true that certain disabilities tend to engender deeper and more persistent discrimination than others. It's hard to come up with general answers. But I do think that a range of approaches to disclosure can all be ethical and practical.
-Gray | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 1/28/2008 11:43:03 AM | Hi I have just read your messae as i am disability as will and i was going to ask you if you don`t mine to send me the web sit that you was registered with so i could registered and see how i would get on .
THANK YOU
PAT 43 | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 1:42:37 PM | I think the problem arises from the word 'disabled' they presume everyone is in a wheelchair.
i'm registered disabled, but if anyone asked me out on a date they would not know from looking at me, it would be apparent if we were in a restaurant, as i have a crippled right arm.
but having said that i go to the gym, do weight training, aerobics, i look after myself without any help, and i still do all my own d.i.y, gardening, shopping, and there is very little that i cannot do.
So before you able bodies right us all off......remember one thing once upon a time we were able bodied to.
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 2:29:08 PM |
So before you able bodies right us all off......remember one thing once upon a time we were able bodied to.
not were...ARE...
I wonder if the "able-bodied" ever experienced a fractured arm or leg, or perhaps a surgery that left them "incapacitated" for a period of time. Hmmm... | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 5:29:21 PM | If they listed their disabilities then it would save them getting rejected so many times.
Really? Please enlighten us all as to what makes you think you are rejected any less than "they" are?
Hmmm,,,,would you want to make them wait till they meet you to find that you have three legs, no arms and can only eat through a straw?
Do you happen to have three legs, no arms and can only drink through a straw? If not, then it isn't your choice to make, nor are you qualified to question the choice of one who does.
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 6:36:54 PM | | Disabilities should be listed, and people with criminal pasts should disclose that as well. Anything that would be conisdered a "Deal-breaker" should be dealt with up-front...anything less may very well cause any relationship built up to crumble. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 6:56:38 PM |
I think the problem arises from the word 'disabled' they presume everyone is in a wheelchair.  Gee, I guess that's me.
My unique ability to get around .. is right there on my profile for all to see.
And yep, it means just about 0 emails. Not totally, but just about.
So it goes. It's PoF, after all. 
I could not post a picture showing my chair, I could not say anything about it in my profile, I could just 'show' my personality in words and "tell all" at a later time...
after all, once people get to know me they tend to forget I'm even in a chair...
but nah, I decided to be upfront with it.
And as I said, yep... it means just about 0 emails.
At least the forums are entertaining here!
Believe me, there are many many many "perfect" profiles that have hidden behind it a man/woman with a great deal more "handicaps" than a wheelchair. I know.
I guess that's all I have to say at this time.
Mainly, this is just PoF.. it's not important in the grand scheme of life, ya know?
But I think it's always important to be honest.
Edit to guy above me:
Disabilities should be listed, and people with criminal pasts should disclose that as well. . LOL!! LOL!! (I'm laughing at you putting both in one sentence, just in case you are too dense to know). | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 8:01:29 PM | I tend to think it is best to put whatever in your profile has a big effect on your life and would also have a big effect on the life of your future mate (assuming you are looking for a longterm relationship). So if you have a physical condition that might be classified as a disability but that doesn't really affect the way you live your life, then why put it in your profile? But if you have any sort of situational factor, whether physical or whatever, that really restricts your life and would also restrict what you could do with a potential life partner, then why not put that out there up front? Isn't the idea of a profile to give people the chance to narrow down the list of people they approach to ones they might realistically want to start a relationship with?
I answered an ad on another dating site from a man who had "disabled" as his body type in his profile. In my first message to him I asked what the disability was and he told me he was in a wheelchair, how he got there, and that his marriage had broken up over other reasons. I was very interested in this man. I normally wouldn't think I would look for a man in a wheel chair or even be open to dating a man in a wheel chair, but in his case I would totally have loved to date him if only we lived in the same area. As it was we traded messages for over a month. We couldn't quite let go of wanting to know each other, though we both knew it was utterly impractical because of location.
I think you owe it to yourself to be upfront about anything significant in your life. Having a disability can be just as critical a piece of information as having sole custody of young children, or it could be no more significant than being a night owl versus an early bird. Not everyone is expecting perfection of every little detail about a person. You look at the whole picture and see how you feel about the person in their entirety. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 8:16:02 PM |
I tend to think it is best to put whatever in your profile has a big effect on your life and would also have a big effect on the life of your future mate (assuming you are looking for a longterm relationship). So if you have a physical condition that might be classified as a disability but that doesn't really affect the way you live your life, then why put it in your profile?
This actually makes sense.
Besides, there are ways to convey via activities which are able to be put in the profile that one can do, and I would go so far as to suggest listing in the essay activities one is not inclined to participate in as an alternative to essentially broadcasting to the world one's medical/physical/whatever limitations. If the individual chooses to disclose their specific situation, that is one thing. To require anyone with a disability to disclose it and it's nature is ridiculous...IMO.
We are all people for goodness sakes, not talking about ET here or rocket science either for that matter. Besides, it has been my observation and experience that more life-limiting than one's disability are the attitudes towards people who have disabilities.  | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:21:26 PM |   Angelheart3 and Childfreeglow, I agree wholeheartedly with you both....Re: The last 3 men I've gotten fairly serious about on POF ALL HAD LIFE THREATENING HEALTH PROBLEMS AND ALL 3 OF THEM DID NOT LET ME KNOW UNTIL I WAS "HOOKED"!!! One actually had a HEART ATTACK AS WE WERE 'MAKING-OUT' ON MY COUCH!!!! i HAD TO CALL 911 and follow an ambulance to the emergency room at the hospital..and this was after we had been dating for 3months....At the E.R, he said he had had 2 prior heart attacks about a year ago and he didn't tell me about his heart condition because he was afraid he would "LOSE" ME!!!! The other two were both Diabetic and doing nothing to "SAVE" their lives...ie, eating and drinking anything and everthing they felt like and NEVER testing their blood sugar,etc. One went into a Diabetic "COMA" while we were in Cancun on Holiday and let me know at the hospital that he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis last year too!!!..And the other guy(Diabetic also) was Bipolar- Manic Side and one minute he was "Jack Nicholson in " As Good As It GETS" and then the next he was like a little, sad boy who had just lost his best friend..... 
MORAL OF THE STORY: Please guys, If you have Health Issues that are SERIOUS, Let us KNOW UP FRONT...If we are searching for a companion to spend the rest of our life with DON'T WE DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT'S REALISTIC ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU????  | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:57:17 PM | If you really want to motivate positive interest, it's best not to indicate any of the health issues you listed. However, if your picture does not presently represent you the way you are now, then I think you should state when the picture was taken and any changes, or just put up a new picture. In my case, the picture was taken in 2005 when I was in top condition, actually a little buff. Since then I've let myself go (for a lot of reasons) and am now, in 2008, 30 lbs heavier. So I stated that in the profile message so that there are no misunderstandings. Sure I look the same, just a little chubby now since the picture was taken. Plus, for some reason the picture didn't reveal my gray hair: maybe the room was too dark or something. So that is also indicated in my profile.
But back to the original quesiton. Nope! I wouldn't list the type of things you do in your profile.
Everyone says they are not shallow and that they are interested in the real you, the you behind the observable package. Well, it generally isn't so except with a few of us who have over time achieved what the guru's like to call "spiritual enlighenment." Those in this category are different. And they will accept the kind of disabilities you mentioned. But we are few and far between.
The most prevalent disability that women are afraid to reveal is either a partial or a radical mastectomy. This bothers some men, but others it doesn't.
My exculsive girlfriend during the latter half of 2005 through first half of 2006 revealed the fact that she had a mastectomy to me on the first date. She was so happy when she learned it didn't matter to me. Why did we part? It wasn't my idea. She had to return to her country of birth. It had nothing to do with her mastectomy. | |
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| Should disabilities be listed on profiles?
Posted: 3/9/2008 10:32:39 PM | In the profile I think that would depend on the so called disability. If you happen to bound to a wheelchair or have severe physical/mental limitations, I would believe you should. It is going to make a difference to someone who is physically able as it would impede the possibility of doing many things together. It is not being shallow IMO. Just being forthright and honest about the situation. If it is a minor thing, then no. Either way, it is really the choice of the person who has the affliction. As far as having to tell about criminal records and the like, I find that to be just silly. With that way of thinking, the list of things one need expose could be rather lengthy and where does it stop? Honestly, I would prefer to know if someone has been convicted of a violent crime, but I would expect that the person would reveal this before the relationship gets too far along the road. But I think that may be wishful thinking.
I would definitely say that if the relationship is starting to look promising that you should put it on the table. Why lie or mislead a person whom you are starting to bond with in a romantic fashion? If you do, you must be ready for a possible rejection on that basis when you do meet in person. But there is no reason that one could not continue a friendship due to ANY disability. I believe there is quite the large gap between friendship and romance. I believe it would be unfair to mislead a person who may have the intention of of a intimate relationship. Unless you are ashamed or severely embarrassed of your own physical limitation, why hide it. If you feel you must, maybe you need to come to terms with it before you get into the dating game. | |
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