| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 5:06:21 AM |
who has time to get the dating rule book out to look that up..it should just be common knowledge but I guess in some cases others need it spelled out
Common knowledge is rarely "common". Each individual has a different understanding what is "common knowledge" regarding any area of life. Such "common knowledge" vary across cultures, geographic regions, religions, socio-economic status, gender, race, ethnicity, etc. As you can see, one' s definition of what is and what is not "common knowledge" is intensely biased and uniquely individual.
ACP | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 5:09:42 AM |
Anyway, I always discuss up front with my guys that I don't do exclusive. I have a couple of FWBs, a couple of lovers that I care deeply about, and one that's more of a booty call on both our parts. Men aren't the only one that don't do exclusive. They are just the ones that don't get called sluts because of it!
An independent, self-confident, self-assured, sexually uninhibited, honest, woman reflecting the philosophy of "stiletto feminism". I love it!
ACP | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 6:05:23 AM | I dont know about labels of boyfriend /girlfriend, but I am pretty much exclusive when I am "checking out" potential "partners."
If I meet a girl and I am interested in continuing to see her and she is of that same mind, then I am not really interested in "dating around."
For one, when i date women at or near my age, then it is kind of expected for the man to pay. Not always, but for sure the "first date. " I am trying to make a metaphorical impression that I can tale care of your needs. So even a modest dinner with a drink and two is gonna run $50 or so. Throw in a few flowers, and it doesn't take alot of chasing to spend 150 -200 per month chasing a woman. Hell that aint like pulling out all the stops and losing your mind or anything that is just making sure she gets the message. Throw in a couple of three phone calls a day and the time just "hanging out" and you have a pretty significant investment of your resources. NOW start to MULTIPLY that times multiple girls and well I couldn't go there if i wanted too.
As for the "object of my desire" well she is at liberty to do whatever in the HELL she "wants" to do. I want HER to decide, that she WANTS to be a part of my life. I want her head and her heart. I am a greedy dude. If a woman gives me her head and her heart, unless she is of remarkably poor character and i have missed something, exclusivity will be a natural result.
I look at the dating process as a period of confirmation. A time period that allows character to be seen. Lifestyle compatability can be established. Ability to Sovle problems can be worked out. Basically trying to find out if that "chemistry" is more than just a base primal response to stimuli, or if it is an indicator that we may be on to something.
Should I desire another during this time period, well then I make a "choice" one or the other and then I live with it. If she continues to show "interest" in others, well then i wil weigh the costs and decide whether i want to continue to compete. or walk away saying "NEXT!!"
Today's sexual mores, makes the whole issue more confusing I am sure and the "age" thing probably has some bearing on viewpoints, but women in my "age group" seem to be pretty "Exclusive" when they give you their bodies. They have pretty much made up their minds they are serious . | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 6:41:44 AM | | painterpaul you are my hero! Your post gave me hope that it still is possible for two people to find something so alluring in each other that the desire to be exclusive would not even be an issue. I am dating a man whom I care very deeply for but we live a little over 2 hours apart, and judging by the number of times he reminds me of this I can say with assurity that we will probably never be exclusive. But to me (and apparently you) when you find someone that you have an overwhelming connection to, it should come naturally. I have continued to date (although he knows that I don't want to) but the entire time I am thinking of him and comparing the person to him. I love the intimacy of an exclusive relationship, because when you feel that safety with a person you really start to lose inhibitions and give yourself to them completely and then you find a level of intimacy that supersedes great sex. I don't understand the attitude of "the grass may be greener over there" and the need to keep their options open and I can't help but wonder if the resistance to monogamous dating is still the same old issue it has been.......fear of getting hurt. I guess I will forever be naive but I think that giving yourself to someone completely mind, body, and soul is the only true way of knowing what might have been. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 7:18:09 AM | | Hmm...well dating to me does not mean getting sexually involved with someone, i think if you're going to be involved with someone that way you should see him and only him (but i guess the asumption shouldn't be made that just because you're sleeping with him doesn't mean he's not out doing other people). dating to me (NOT gf and bf) is meeting different people and going out with them to see if there's a possibility of whether or not you want to see them more. so if the two of you decide to become exclusive, sometimes there is a talk involved, sometimes it just seems to happen naturally, it is a that point that you become gf and bf. | |
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bugsi
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Joined: 11/26/2007
Msg: 56 | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 9:31:12 AM | Men get called sluts for sleeping around all the time.
Most of them are too dumb to realize they're being insulted though...
Male sluts have every bit of the poor reputation among women as female sluts have around men--- it's just that everyone focuses on this public idea that male sluts are ok (which, in my experience is only true in certain company... but you can also say that about promiscuous women)
It is all about the company you keep-- different groups find different things acceptable. I think that the only reason the idea of a male slut being accepted exists is because man whores tend to have charisma--- lechery is acceptable because they're so damn LIKABLE.
But then.... I'm weird. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 9:48:27 AM | "These" days, the rules change daily. And they apply to whomever and however one wants them too. Thus, I have learned to be sure to ask A LOT of questions upfront. I ask if one is married, with someone, or is dating ANYONE? What ARE they looking for, really!? I ask many questions to clarify things. You have to now. People just aren't that forthcoming anymore for some odd reason. I want to know upfront about things, so I can make a informed decision on whether to date someone or not. Some know you won't so they lie.. thus they aren't really worth the bother, are they?
One thing here sooooo many of the men's headings say, "Wanted: a GOOD woman." " No liars wanted".(Duh..Who DOES want a liar??) .. or stuff like that! What IS a good woman? To one man it could mean one thing, but another thing to another man. And GOOD in what way!? he he....cooking.. yeah.. that might be it!
Also, the heading.. "I am looking for "fun" ". Does that mean sex? Does that mean riding a motorcycle, skating, skiing, sitting by the campfire, or maybe it means sitting in a bar, drinking all night.. or could it mean getting stoned? How about going to the movies? Or do you prefer gambling as fun? WHO KNOWS!! I hate when men describe themselves too, with so little to go on, and then expect you to write. Give me a REASON to write!
Trying to date is extremely difficult now. Be careful. From what I see, there are a lot of lies and BS and fakes. (Men will tell you women do this now too, and it's true.) Most are real, but just aren't honest and open and truthful. One man I dated for over 2 1/2 months before I finally realized he was still married.... but living separated (not legally on paper either.) for 3 yrs. Damn.. he SAID he was single. Guess he thought since they hadn't much to do with each other he was single??
So, see, it's all how someone views things! ASK, ASK, and ASK some more!! The TRUTH is in there somewhere!!
Good luck, and happy fishing, 
Linda | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 9:53:33 AM | "painterpaul"
Well said!!! You are right on! But one thing I have heard too, seems something new, that it all depends on why you are giving your body, even in our age group! There seems to be a lot more "friends with benefits" going on.... but I don't see much "friendship" going on. Seems many are just using each other for sex. Which, I find sad, being sex is really the best with a committed and loving partner. It seems the dating scene now is a bit frustrating and a whole lot more complicated on what is expected of one.
Linda | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 11:16:13 AM | | YES! You are preaching to the choir on that one girlfriend! Friends with benefits is simply someone who you could never fall in love with but the sex is awesome. No one seems to want to put forth the effort to really pour themselves into a relationship anymore, if it doesn't fit into our schedule or plan for the future then we let it go. I wonder if that is a problem with our age group? We are comfortable with our lives, homes have been bought, plans made and roots are firm. Hell some are even grandparents so the thought of change just seems too much of an effort. Is anyone still capable of inconvenient, consuming, can't breathe without them, over the moon, whatever it takes love? | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 11:25:30 AM | | Sorry if it sounds like im giving you a patronising history lesson, its not supposed to. Back so many years ago people got married and were together for life (wheter they were happy or not). Communities fround on divorce and unfaithfulness, although i must stress that this mainly came from religious beliefs. However, today, divorce rates are high, cheating is unmarried couples is common. communities do not show disgust for it like they used to. Generally if a persons friend cheats on thier partner then they will let it slide. Then again if your friends partner is found cheating you will show disgust. So unfortunately as a trend in society, being in an exclusive relationship is in decline. However, there are people who believe in exclusive relationships. I have friends who would never cheat on principle, im sure if you search your friendship groups you could find friends of yours who feel the same. Personally i prefer the exclusive approach, but as this is on the decline in society as a whole its alot harder to find these days. But dont give up hope, there are nice guys out there who do go for the exclusive thing and with any luck you will find them. Good luck. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 11:29:16 AM | I think most people would say if you are calling one another boyfriend/girlfriend, it is exclusive.
BUT-because of the few that dont play by the same rules as the norm...the normal ones are left wondering if they got it all wrong, and going forward, second guess themselves.
Last man I dated, asked me to be exclusive, referred to me as his girlfriend...and I still found him playing online with dating sites.
That is not normal behaviour...and I cant judge every man who follows him with that ruler. I also will not live in fear that every man that follows him will do the same thing. What he did was not normal.
I can only be responsible for my behaviour, and hope that I pick someone with better scruples/morals next time. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 12:34:22 PM | Sweet nurse.........awww shucks, and thank ya ma'am
Lindy, I understand the "FWB" thing, but i guess it depends on what a person is looking for.
It is kind of like sweet nurse said, and what I am talking about SUPERCEDES great sex. From a mans perspective, it is alot easier to be good, you deont have to "trick" her body into overriding her mind and heart. You already have the mind and heart and the body will follow.
This type of sex, is so much better than FWB sex can ever be. Just as masturbation can be effective, but a partner is better. So would I describe this type of sex. It is an intimcay thaty is difficult to express, but it is VERY satisfying on a much deeper level than any just SEX that I have ever had.
I understand that different peope have different opinions on all that, but if your opinion differs very much than mine then we are not a match, "NEXT!!" No point trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/12/2008 1:07:23 PM | shiftymike..
Well its not an accurate history lesson. Back so many years ago they did get married and expected to stay together. For children and homes, economy, survival and many other reasons to many to list. Communities may have frowned on divorce.. but they just winked and looked the other way when the MAN cheated. They more than frowned on women cheating however. Of course it comes from religious backgrounds. Not much doesn't in any community. It's still the same today in many religions. However, society as a whole now still frowns on these same things, but accepts them to a degree more even for women to be cheating, although women are still considered less than a man is in the same situation.
Exclusive relationships are disappearing now for many reasons. Blame it on women's lib economy, different thinking, new age, relaxed moral standards, or whatever. It is destroying families. Children are now being raised by less than two parents because the men walk away because marriage isn't holding them. Some women walk away and leave the kids with the father so much more than ever today. Self-centeredness has taken over and today we now call this all the "norm". The "norm" is what Society allows, nothing more. People are now giving up many things they think they don't want or need, for things they think they now would rather have. Later on, due to the repercussions of the now becoming "norm", it will change again. So it's best to do what YOU personally think is good for you and all others around you, rather to fall into the so-called "norm". Because the "norm" is always changing and can't really be counted on for anything but what the community as a whole thinks today!! (that is why there are always people we call..... ABnormal.. Means only they aren't like the rest of the society at the moment. I'm proud to say, I am NOT normal!!!!
My opinion, of course!
Linda | |
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smuroF
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Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 67 | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:43:41 PM | | I guess not...and being "friend's" actually means being bed partners. I'm really confused because I don't sleep with my "friend" Tammy, but this guy I was seeing, as in sleeping, hanging out with 3 or 4 times a week, and talking on the phone 4-6 times a day for like three months referred to me as a friend, and said that he was on POF looking for friends, I am so confused. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:49:27 PM | you have to be direct with the people you meet from online..
lots try to hide behind the meaning of the labels "long term" and "dating".
lots use these terms in their profile to get the hits from the searches, all the while really using them to mean "intimate encounter".
it's misleading to say the least. and when you try to get them to explain what they're really looking for, they usually falter and twist the meanings of "long term" and "dating" into some lame azz excuse of " i thought dating meant multiple partners" etc...yah..i had someone say that to me...
drop these kind of people off at the curb doing 60mph. not only are they liars, they put you at risk for std's and god knows what else! | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:55:57 PM | Your question is kind of misleading.
Introducing someone as your "boyfriend" or your "girlfriend" is basically telling that person and whoever you are introducing them to as such, you are "exclusive."
In defense of other post; just because you go out on a date with someone, doesn't mean that you are exclusive. Even if you go out on more than one date with that person, it doesn't make you his girlfriend or her boyfriend.
Dating is just that, dating. You are going out, learning about each other in hopes to eventually establish a relationship.
I think for most people, dating is entirely different than being in a relationship. | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 2/4/2008 10:30:36 PM | Funny that I am reading your posting about bf/gf not being exclusive anymore.
This a.m. this guy that I am dating - who I actually introduce to my friends as
my bf talked about this topic. He said that he cares about me, that I am wonderful,
yada, yada, etc.
He said that all these over 15 years of dating, he could have married at least 3 of his
past gf if he wanted to but did not because he cannot be monogamous or exclusive to any of his partner at the time. He claims that he loved all these women but he would always look for somebody else to have sex with even while he has a steady relationship (of 2 or 3 years with each of these women he claims!) with each of them.
He made it very clear with me that even though he is not having sex with other women now, he still wants to have the freedom of being able to do that. (anytime he wanted to)
He said that we don't have a monogamous relationship and made sure that I understood that. (I don't share his non monogamous stance ergo, I can't even begin to think of having another guy to be intimate with)
I am grateful yet crushed with this blatant honesty and I truly do not know how to face or deal with this guy right now. I know that I really care for him and I even believe that he is
a wonderful person. I just do not know what to do. I have always admired men who can
be honest about themselves and who would be man enough to take the consequence of
their (brutal) honesty.
I am thinking real hard and deep and God knows I want to nurture this relationship and yet do not know how to proceed given his (failed) past relationships and his seemingly
inadequate and insecurity about his manhood or himself.
He had told me once that he didn't think that he would make a good husband (he was married before). He also told me that he would have to be shit drunk if ever he is going to get married again. The surprising part was, instead of getting mad, I felt really sad for him. And yet I know deep in heart that this person may never ever change.
Please, I need your input! | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 2/5/2008 6:35:39 AM | Good post Firstlight. This question is asked by young and older (like me) alike. Imagine you are just starting to date someone regularly and you're really digging them. You want to know if it's right to invest feelings into what is happening, because you don't just give your heart to everyone and anyone. What to do? Ask the person you are dating, where do you see this going and risk them bailing on you because they don't understand where you are coming from (this happens, believe me), or wait it out until you've fallen in love only to find out that they like you, but they don't want more.
Some say ask up front, and others say, just go with the flow and if it sticks, it sticks. I'm not a casual relationship kind of person yet I don't want to rush in and declare unending love until I know my feelings are real and so are his. the beginning is supposed to be fun and getting to know you but sometimes makes a person feel in limbo because you are not a couple, but together-ish. I can't say I would ever ask a man to be exclusive right off the bat because I don't know if I want to be until I know him better. All I can say is if it's intimate it's only him and no one else.
Dating isn't easy these days, that's for sure. | |
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smuroF
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Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 74 | |
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| So these days being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean being exclusive??
Posted: 2/5/2008 3:17:36 PM | | I think that is exactly right! No one wants to commit to an exclusive relationship when there could just be the perfect person right around the corner. But how many people are you going to go through before you meet the "perfect" person? I like this site to meet people but when you get down to it...you still have to eventually "meet" this person. Last person I met on this site was great! But he was still on POF checking to see if there could be another person more compatible with him... I guess. LOL I thought we were exclusive but you live and learn. I thought it was about quality not quantity. | |
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