| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/12/2008 3:00:09 PM | You need to check the legal issues first before you make a decision. See if you can remove your son from his father reach. Some states have a mileage rule about moving children except in circumstances where there is a pre-existing job with possibility of transfer. How often would you and the new man pay to send the child to see his father if the father is not able to transport him. If you have only seen the man those few times are you willing to uproot the child from seeing his father that many times. This is not just about you and the man. Soxx brought up a valid point, if it tanks, you have no support system there. Again, this may be your true love. You have to be the adult and make the decision. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
How would the son feel about limited visitation with his father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? I grew up away from all of the family because my mother moved from California to Tennessee with my stepdad. She missed her family and it was a point of contention my whole life----and I grew up without cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.--they all grew up together--I missed out on so much family time. She saw her father twice in 30 years, I saw him once, I saw my aunts and uncles 3 times in 40 years. I have seen some cousins once in 45 years. I plan to go to California in the spring to see everyone and since some are ill, that will be it. I only have one uncle living there it will probably be the last time I see him. I resented it that they have memories I can't share. I am speaking as the child in this situtation. I have a wonderful life but have no point of reference in matters of the long distance heart, so only counsel is in the care of your son. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:37:52 AM | re: Mame7
Does anyone else notice that Mame7 is self absorbed, rancorous and thin skinned?
Consider the rude note below:
I already AM calm and have happiness, my dear, that's what you don't understand lol I'm also with the most fabulous man for 11 years, [a name you've heard of] and only here to read the forums, and to fresh my mind between my book drafts, and current one, like bread between wine tastings to clear the mind instead of the palate. I unlike you, don't have to search a computer as a last resort for a life, I have many ongoing friends on here for years. Check your own mirror about your own problems]. "Single" doesn't meen being alone... it only means UNMARRIED with that strangling government piece of paper, which you obviously can't do without. Unmarried has always been MY CHOICE, now go play with yourself instead of harassing women out of your league. Better than you fetches my morning coffee at a monthly domestic salary that you never saw in an entire year at ANY stage of your soon ending pathetic life. Tah, Tah, Toots. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:59:24 AM | I remember when I lived in Mexico I met a woman who expressed her sentiments about long-distance relationships, "They are just plain stupid!" I agree. In fact, I feel that they are often ways for people to make a pretense of wanting a relationship.
In addition to the emotional part of any relationship, there are practical considerations. If you moved out to California, you'd leave your family and your primary support base. In my view, that would be just plain stupid. You'd be alone with a man you don't really know.
I want to place emphasis upon my last statement. You don't know this man at all. It takes time to get to know another human being and that requires frequent contact over an extended period of time.
Also it's rubbish to believe you can't find someone you'd like just as much in your immediate neighborhood. Did you know that most people form relationships with people who live within five miles of themselves?
I remember meeting a woman who fell in love with a guy over the Internet. He convinced her to move from Ohio to Montana. After a few months, he got tired of her and told her to hit the road. Don't be stupid like her.
The Eagle | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/19/2008 10:31:06 AM | I moved to England from Maine 6 years ago and it's been one of the best experiences of my life...it was the most difficult situation I'd made, but looking back I can't imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't done it...not to mention that of my then 12 year old son.
I've done what you're thinking of...it is your decision, but if you do it DO NOT be afraid of it and take advantage of the bit of the world and your life that's going to open up for you.
If you want details please feel free to email me... | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/19/2008 11:49:20 AM | | LDRs do work for some people. It's pointless for anyone to denigrate them in general, because there are people who come from great distances to be together, and they end up married. To each his/her own. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 1/29/2008 9:12:28 AM |
LDRs do work for some people. It's pointless for anyone to denigrate them in general, because there are people who come from great distances to be together, and they end up married. To each his/her own.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that isn't why I'm responding to your post. Rather it's your attitude which likely reflects your hands-off approach to life. You don't really have any opinion. You just give a wishy washy answer that doesn't provide one iota of insight into the problem.
Also your statement contributes nothing to answer what the OP wanted to know. She wanted some analysis of her question which would include the pros and cons that could help her make a up her mind about pursuing a LD relationship. She wouldn't have brought the subject up if it wasn't important to her. Maybe she will and then again maybe she won't.
Often times people get involved in situations and don't clearly see all the issues involved - at least not at first. Unfortunately, people often wade into things unprepared and then discover they got involved in something they wish they hadn't.
The Eagle | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/2/2008 1:47:19 PM | | Well I know people who has meet on internet and are still together but I know as well internet couples who divorced 3 months later after the marriage, I think the relationship depends of the people inside the relationship. there is not so much difference between to meet on Internet and meet in a bar, the good thing about to meet someone local is that you can try go out and have fun, get to know eachother and spend time together to see if this works or not. But the bad thing about the distance is that you can not have those wonderful things, everything is VIRTUALLY PERFECT. Something that is impossible in the real life. I definitely recommend to you that you think about this step because as you mention YOU have a SON that he deserves to get to know his father, I mean I don't know maybe he was not a good husband but maybe he is a GREAT FATHER, and the child will need of his dad sometimes. Your family is just trying to make you being responsible for the desicion you make. It is not easy but you have to think about YOUR SON first. Since he is born, you are there to protect him and do everything for him (or at least that way suppose to be). Have you talked to your son about getting a "NEW DAD" ? have you think about that maybe this man could be an alcoholic or drug addicted or abbusive ? If you are going to make a move, why don't you try first to get a work in California and try to see if you like, without any commitments and then get to know eachother, maybe you will find that THERE'S no one else in the entire world you want to be with. Or maybe you find out that it was just the distance that make the RELATIONSHIP PERFECT. It is your choise at the end but as I told you, YOU are the 2nd of the LIST. FIRST YOUR SON. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2008 2:15:15 PM | Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that isn't why I'm responding to your post. Rather it's your attitude which likely reflects your hands-off approach to life. You don't really have any opinion. You just give a wishy washy answer that doesn't provide one iota of insight into the problem.
Eagle Eric: I don't know if you've just had a bad day, or were preoccupied when you directed your remarks at me, but you picked the wrong guy. It's plain stupid for you to try to analyze another poster's intent or approach to life online. The answer I gave is not wishy-washy, and anyone who has any ability to make inferences could tell that BOTH of my posts on this thread are in support of long-distance relationships.
My first post on this thread (in reply to the OP) stated that LDRs can work, but that one of the partners should probably plan (within 3 - 4 months) on moving permanently to be with the other partner, or the relationship would fizzle out. That statement is based on one of my experiences, which I don't need to go into to make my point. My second post basically reaffirmed that LDRs can and do work all the time.
Your posts, Eagle Eric, come across as cynical, jaded, and defeated, and that's not what the OP needs to hear. If your LDR didn't work out--fair enough. That would be YOUR failure, not the OP's. Every LDR is different, and you didn't mention any examples which sound like anything the OP is dealing with. Her boyfriend is not stuck in Mexico somewhere with non-U.S. citizenship and a different culture, so that's just stupid to throw that example at her (of you talking to a woman in Mexico) as a reference. What the hell does that have to do with anything? She's not faced with any of those challenges. Her s/o is just in California, which is still part of the U.S.
People who don't have parallel, relevant experiences shouldn't chime in with doom and gloom pessimism. It's not helpful. General posts supporting her is what's helpful. The OP is an adult, and going to California to visit this guy (provided she checks him out and takes precautions) is reasonable. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/2/2008 6:28:42 PM | You need to tell your ppl that you are an adult and can make adult decisions.
Since there is no guarantee of WHERE you find love ( your back yard or across the country ) you need to do what you feel is right for you. Long distance relationships take work (more so than having him/her in you home town) but it is very worth the effort. Personally, I think ONE of the involved parties involved must be willing to relocate at some point.
Your profile says you're looking for 'long term'... before you make the cross country move for this guy, I hope that this is a relationship that is actually REAL and reciprocated. Life is an adventure.... It's up to you how big that adventure is!! | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:39:17 PM | My best friend in the whole world, met a girl on ICQ in Brazil (he lives North of Toronto), they talked and talked and talked and talked, etc.
She was a teacher in Brazil, totally loving life and her family is all in Brazil, he's a succesful man here, but they were madly in love. He couldn't wait for them to be together, and when they were together they couldn't be apart.
I ended up making sure they sat down and with a very serious conversation about breaking up from the distance and leaving one or the others family behind and moving to be together, it was heart breaking conversation.
The end to this however, after the conversation (I mean like after days of thinking and one hell of a huge phone bill later), she moved up from Brazil and they are now happily married and totally in love for eachother.
I would really say that you do honestly love the guy, you should sit down and have a serious chat with him and discuss options, as what they did worked out in the end. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:11:42 PM | There are been long-distance relationships that evolved into wonderful close-distance partnerships, and there have been those that fizzled or blew apart for various reasons. You will probably get no closer to the answer you seek by asking about others' experiences . . . those are going to be all over the board. The place you need to look is to yourself.
While all humans have much the same needs, we're not all the same when it comes to the issue of prioritizing those needs. For some people, the need to experience the constant personal interaction with the extended family and long-time friends is at the top of their list - that kind of warm, supportive connection is what is experienced in indigenous communities and small villages around the world, and it can be very much a part of how an individual defines themselves.
For some, the connection to a physical place is the most important thing - they have fallen in love, with, say, the redwood forests of the Pacific Northwest or the gorgeous vast expanses of Alaska - and the sense of peace that they feel from their connection to that place sustains them in a way that nothing else can.
And for others, the desire to engage in close intimate partnership with another with whom they experience a deep, powerful and meaningful connection is the most compelling aspect.
Still others might prioritize solitude and plenty of time for self-directed pursuits.
You might do well to spend some time pondering where your soul-priorities lie, and stay true to them. In any case . . . my best wishes on your decision-making process . . . | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 3:39:46 PM | | well Iam in one as we speek , Iam in az she is in wisconsin. we met a two years ago .we have seen one another at least 100 times ...hopefuly she will be here with in the year . I do think long distance relationships can and do happen . | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 4:33:16 PM | At least travel can be written off as a business expense...
If you're both happy with your current situation until a better resolution comes in, then there's really no problem. As long as you're happy. You could always move there for a few years then move back. Nothing will ever stop you from going home to be with your family again. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/4/2008 5:11:21 PM | | My sister met a man who lived in England in a chat room. They got to know each other by phone and email over six months or so. She decided she could not take it anymore, so he flew here to the U.S. They were married a week later. They celebrated their seventh anniversary last month and are very glad they found each other. So I believe in little miracles. But she would tell you to be certain to do your homework when getting to know each other, and that it won't work if you aren't super honest. | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/6/2008 4:25:15 PM | I think that the only thing to realize is that a long distance relationship will take a bit more planning and patience than one with someone who live down the block from you.
In an impatient world, this will not work for many.
But if the vibrations are there, then it does make sense to begin to plan, and to shift and work around schedules, etc, to get together .
and, with all due respect, it is a vast waste of time to consider what 'his' people or 'her" people think. Your heart is your heart, and if you must follow it...other people are not the issue when it comes to a desire to be with someone.
Trust your heart, use your head, and try to imagine there is no timeframe to meeting , no timeframe to love, and to being with the one that may be yours.
Many have spent years looking in the same 10 square mile area for the one..only to come up short every time. so, while the months in between may seem like an eternity, they will pass quickly, and then together decisions can be made.
take good care
```````````````````````Akimmbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/6/2008 4:39:04 PM | its a hard 1..I personally look at things from a childs perspective until they are old enough to make their own decisions.. Both parents deserve time with their child, theres too much pain involved if a child cannot have contact/regular with both sides of his/her family.
I was with a guy years ago (he lived about 12hrs away) he wanted to transfer/move up here. ... I thought of his children and said no.... They are the most important people in your life right now....
I grew up without contact with my father, and id never take a father away from a child..
If the father/child can still be happy , (id discuss it with childs father)
then thats cool.
thats just my opinion.
smiles/peace | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:14:45 PM | Things that make you go Hmmmmmmm..
You state in your profile, must live within 75 miles from you.
You started at Christmas time on this site, yet have been "seeing" him for 6 months.
"and are more in love with him everytime you see each other".
Other things don't "add up" either...........according to your post and profile.... | |
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:04:40 AM | Hi,
I understand you fully because I was involved with a Canadien Girl 3 years long, by the way I am French German living in the netherlands.
We had the a little bit the same prob. but still quite different, to make it short. The questions to ask yourselfs.
Is do you really want to build something together? The second question is; do you live for yourself or for your Family? In his case for his work"Business"
A fact is people get older not younger.
The last one for you, you can always visite your familly and they can visit you. Hope to have helped a little, wish you all the best fo this world.
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| Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 3/4/2008 10:02:49 AM | OP, as someone has already pointed out, you are not just a single gal you're also a PARENT. Your choice impacts your child, so there is no room for flitting away on the basis of selfish sentiment or feelings. Whatever you do will impact your child in big ways. All for a man, as others have wisely pointed out, you do not know well no matter how big a physical attraction there is. And LDR's, like online dating, have a tendency to stay suspended in the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship much longer because you do NOT see all annoyances, flaws, idiosyncrasies etc that occur in day to day life.
Continue courting from long distance if you must. He does not have to be the end all and be all of the men in your life unless that's what you want, so long as it's returned in kind. If this guy really feels for you, he will either make every effort ( minus laying guilt trips on you about it ) to continue to move towards a day when ALL considerations of impact on your lives have been weighed realistically, you are ready to tie the knot. Your child needs TIME to adjust to him, get to know him, and feel comftorable with him as much as you do. As for your own family, remember that men can come and go but in the end, your family will be the ones standing there when you turn around. | |
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Posted: 3/4/2008 6:33:31 PM | | 3 meetings only and you have a child and your contemplating movin him away from his father and his family? If it was you and you alone then id say follow your heart but you are a mother and its not about you and only you. | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 8:45:18 PM | | Love knows no bounds. Would that a very tall English lady from Conventry fancy the thought of falling in love and moving to my Colonial-style home in Virginia to enjoy my garden & woods with me, I'd be most happy :) :) | |
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