| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/14/2008 10:50:16 PM | Okay, I have read through this entire post ... why? I'm actually surprised it didn't get deleted on the basis of "whining and self-pity".
OP you posed a question which will bring numerous opinions by your readers. You can either accept or reject those opinions, but never is it polite or kind to be disrespectful. You have harshly bashed those who do not share your opinion. Thus, I would ask why did you bother posting a question if all you really wanted was validation??
Your anger, 'perfectness and faultlessness' (ie: victim) frightens me ... I'm supposing many POF forum posters are avoiding responding to you out of sheer fear (or just agreeing so as to not be attacked) ... I can only imagine the eggshells your husband must have had to walk on.
I'm a Christian and agree offering sexual pleasure is the duty of both husband and wife. However, I have yet to meet a man who might get it up by holding him hostage to "you owe me", "you promised", "you signed a piece of paper saying you would" seems like a loaded gun to his head if you ask me. I know NO real man who would use sex to control someone he loves and cherishes. They might however, lose desire due to being disrespected and bullied ... (foregoing physical issues)
Woman to woman I am going to give you the BEST ADVICE you will ever receive. You are the woman and he is the man ... when you whine, control, demand, bully, nag, offer no respect, admiration or appreciation you emasculate your man. Thus, my advice is learn how to be a feminine woman ... trust me your man will adore you, lust after you, cherish you and provide all means of safety, pleasure and fun.
You will find happiness in your womanhood, not in your victimhood. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/14/2008 10:58:17 PM | And Emerald Cove....in all your perfection, you are single WHY??????
How about when you COMMUNICATE to your man that your needs are not being met.....and he totally ignores your communications? What's that little exchange called?
And how about if he is far from being emasculated, but instead is "gettin' his elsewhere" and therefore no longer needs or wants it from home?
Woman to woman, I'll give *you* the best advice you've ever had. Never try to reach the higher ground by climbing over the bleeding bodies of your Sisters. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:15:10 PM |
It does not matter if he is withholding sex from you, You are married you should not
cheat on him. You stood in front of god and promised to be faithful... you should be faithful. if hes withholding sex probably means hes getting it somewhere else... But you should be the better person and be faithful. You cheating is not the answer I would confront him asking him why hes not giving you sex,
I also agree on this when people start witholding sex I'd question the relationship. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:45:27 PM | Bethlett - you are absolutely right there are men and women who choose to have affairs and this offers great pain for all concerned. I cannot understand the lack of moral fiber that what cause someone to harm another in such a way.
I have never encountered such a thing and can only imagine how devastating an affair might be to the partner and family. Worse yet, it seems those who have endured such a horrific event find it difficult to trust again. What's the saying: Trust is the most fragile of all emotions, once shattered difficult to mend.
It does not appear this was the issue for the OP. She did not state that her husband was unfaithful but instead sexless. Clearly, frustating and may have even felt like an abandonment of vowes yet, something that can be both prevented and intervented with understanding, responsibility, love and communication. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 12:02:22 AM |
men who sexually neglect their wives but still expect her commitment and faith
I require commitment and faith of me regardless. When I decide to stop requiring that then it is time for me to leave before I break my committment and/or faith. That is the price of my integrity with me.
He actually lacks the power to require it. He is free to expect it, but likely to have unmet expectations if he does. After all, expectations are planned disappointments.
Since I don't know his motives for being sexless, I can't do a thumbs up or down. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 12:15:21 AM | hi on here my name is just a male in ca
yes i feel it is wrong why the women as needs as the male but the male can do it for him self and gee feel good as a wome needs the touch of a mate the feeling of love the sent next to her
the male after he cums he's off to sleep the women ifshe as got came then where that leave her up set somewhat and the ass of a male does nt know what he did or did not do
why as hes holding back frome the feeling and her needs so yes it so so so wrong
email me ill love to talk more
from
just a male in ca
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 12:24:02 AM | I'm assuming there are no other issues, ie you have not changed mentally, emotionally or physically in any substantive way since your marraige? If so, then there is no excuse for withholding sex for any reason other than a medical issue. If he doesn't want to be intimate with his wife (and the reverse is true for women), then he doesn't want a real loving relationship and it's time to kick his ass to the curb.
I had this same experience a few years ago. My wife (now my ex of course) turned completely cold not long after we were wed, just a total "jekyll and hyde" situation. I stuck it out and remained faithful for nearly 2 years trying to sort it out, but in the end I gave up and instantly felt so much better about my life and myself.
Life is just too damn short to waste it on someone like that. If he/she isn't up to the task, send them packing. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 1:02:22 AM | Well, I am loathe to enter into yet another emotionally charged thread... but hey, blahblah's here and he's still alive, so....
Frankly, after reading most of the posts (just skimmed the nasty ones), I don't think we've been given nearly enough info to do anything but say "there there dear"... which may be all the OP really wanted anyway, who knows?
This is another one of those situations where it would be reeeeally interesting to hear the other side of the story.
It seems strange to me that a guy would simply "suddenly lose interest" in the woman he married (we're taking her word that he was EVER interested, btw), without a pretty strong reason, such as:
1. he's gettin' it somewhere else
2. she's gettin' it somewhere else, and he found out
3. he's hooked on some kind of medication (legal or otherwise)
4. he's got a major medical problem (circulatory, thyroid, hormonal, genital, etc)
5. she's a nagging, perfectionistic beeotch who's made him lose interest in living
6. he's got some sort of major psychological issue, such as a mama complex, whatever
6. he's been converted to some weird celibate religious cult
7. he found out he's got an STD, and is too ashamed to let on
8. he found out she's got an STD... nuff said
9. he was abducted by aliens, and that warm body in her bed is really Xantrhu of Zebthalon
10. insert your guess here
Regardless of cause, we've only seen the tip of the iceberg, and only from her, rather defensive viewpoint.
(yawn)
I'm for gettin' a beer... anybody coming?
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 1:50:26 AM | It does not appear this was the issue for the OP. She did not state that her husband was unfaithful but instead sexless. Clearly, frustating and may have even felt like an abandonment of vowes yet, something that can be both prevented and intervented with understanding, responsibility, love and communication......
I agree with this point you made emerald cover and thats all i tried to do with my husband...and i tried in every which way...the sweet cute fem approach..the more dominant assertive approach..i even tried pretending i didnt want sex no longer to see if the roles would reverse!...but tell me emerald cove...like the point bethlett made.. if you approach your partner calmly in a friendly adult mature manner ..just wanting to communicate about lack of this and lack of that and they choose to ignore you everytime you communicate and give you no feedback just blank plain ignorance...whats the solution here?????...by the way i think far too many people in this thread seem defeatist within love! and seem to think walking out...or showing him the door is the answer.....i personally dis-agree! i think if my ex husband had somehow learnt how to communicate in a mature manner instead of fuelling my fire with his ignorance...our marriage would have survived! HIS LACK OF PARTICIPATION TO COMMUNICATE..AFTER HIS LACK OF SEX DRIVE!..THAT CAUSED EVERYTHING TO GO DOWNWARDS!.... so yes that why i was faultless within this marriage! has i was the responsive one that tried in every form!..i felt like i was fighting a losing battle and lost cause alone...one thing i did learn from my marriage though...and that it is possible to feel more lonely and out of love within a relationship than maybe a single person would!....my ex husband lacked imagination...feedback when communicating..lack of suggestion and even went as far once to tell me love bored him!...i asked myself at this point ...why was he even in a relationship if he felt this way.....because too many people think they can play with other humans for a time limit for their own pleasure and fun...then dis-regard them like a used food packet once they have had the fun ! | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 2:10:04 AM | Ermm got a tip for anybody it would apply .... if you crave newness and variety within a long term relationship...theres no need to go out burger shopping when you have steak at home....you can have newness and variety with an old partner...if you grow a brain and imagination...instead of growing an erection for every other woman instead of the woman at home! and this goes for women who also crave variety... i never cheated on my husband i stuck it out for yrs! and give him many chances to not change! but to improve and grow!!...im not a typical dumb woman that thinks she can change a man! i simply just wanted this man who married me to put his 50% of his input in...as i was doing...is that alot to ask for?  | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 4:59:06 AM | a friend of mine has this problem as well. but, here's the kicker: her husband works overseas and returns home for 2 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks in the winter. when he comes home, he wants nothing to do with her physically and claims it's his own 'issue.' he has no medical problems or anything like that.
another odd part is his habit of groping her in public places. then when they get alone, he turns her down and refuses to discuss it. he spends the rest of the visit berating her for the way she runs her household and her business. he won't let her take phone calls or go anywhere without him. it seems as though he doesn't really want her, but he doesn't want anyone else to have her either.
it bums her out and confuses her. she's an awesome person ~ fun to hang with, bright and gorgeous. he, on the other hand, sounds like what op describes. and i don't understand it either. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:24:28 AM | This is a good question. Although, one looks at it and imagines it's barely the tip of the tip of the iceberg.
For those interested in the religious/Christian thing, check out 1 Cor. 7:3-5
The view is that this is bad. I think that a marriage necessarily entails certain commitments. This is one of them - biblical too. If they are withdrawing it for a reason you both haven't agreed to, then you are no longer married in the biblical sense. It's a tough one.
I'd be inclined to use words like crewel and passive aggression, but we can't know the reasons. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:29:32 AM | Jewel - I admire your tenaciousness, flexibility and willingness to stick with it even when your emotional and sexual needs were not being met. This says a lot about your character and respect for marriage vows.
Bethlett said it best: No sex means SOMEONE IS PISSED. Wanting to have sex with someone we love, respect and cherish is normal, natural and instinctual. For women in particular the sexual union stimulates a feeling of closeness and bonding. Thus, removing that element is very painful.
I think you will heal more quickly if you focus not on why he refused you sex (you are a sexy and beautiful woman) and more on why he was so pissed to deny HIMSELF sex. Therein is the insanity! He was willing to harm himself and deny himself so as to injure you ... clues to that offer great insight.
Have you ever attempted to have sex when filled with anger, loathing, hate or fear? A difficult task indeed. We do not know why your husband refused you sex but we can assume he was pissed ... from this and other behaviors ie: fork in the eye, bury you in the yard communication, endless time sleeping on the sofa, unkempt appearance, unwillingness to work etc. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:53:35 AM | Two wrong doesn't make a right. While married both partners need to give 100% to the relationship in order to make it work. If your husband neglected you in any way, it was your responsibility as a wife to be a friend and start honest communication with him to repair this issue.
If you are steadfast in unconditional love with your mate, your commitment and faith will eventually win the battle. When one partner has a bad day or starts to pull away from the relationship, its up to the stronger partner to left him or her up.
I once heard this statement...
"We walk hand in hand through life; you are joined at my side as if part of my rib. When you step ahead of me, I will strongly pull you back in place and when you slow your pace, I will gracefully bring you forward back to my side where you belong."
I believe that a couple should divorce when serious deal breakers cannot be repaired or when your mate gives up and walks out permanently. If you gave 100% in this relationship and continued your commitment and faith until the very end, then you should have no regrets. You did your part. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:55:19 AM | blahblah - thanks for noticing ... being politically correct as you know is not always easy. For some the direct and honest approach is best, for others the pattycake approach ... tried the first didn't work! Although slower, the pattycake sprinkled with sweetness (and humour) can be tons of fun with the right person!
It appears you do a variation of the Muhammad Ali approach: Float like a butterfly - Sting like a bee ... yours is: Smack them upside the head ... then tickle them and kiss the boo-boo. I'm gonna look for some opportunities to try your approach. By the way, what success rate do you have with the Smack, Tickle and Kiss Approach? | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 11:11:23 AM | jeweljess:
FOR YOU it isn't acceptable because the lack of sex didn't make you happy...
for me it is the same view as yours...
but it is irrelevant what others think:
because it's YOUR LIFE!
why does it count for "how many people is it OK" and for how many "not OK"?
every relationship is a GIVE & GET. you have some items in the Give Column and some items in the Get Coloumn - resulting the bottom line question in a relationship: is the Give-Get deal OK for you or not. It's up to YOU and YOUR PARTNER ONLY. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 145 | |
| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 11:53:57 AM | | Women neglect men, too. In my last relationship (of two years) we had sex a grand total of 4 times, and that was certainly not by MY choice. And when we broke up, she wondered why I cited that as a reason, after telling her that we needed to work on that for the past year and a half. To some people, it's just not important. I'm gun-shy about the next girl I meet, as I'm afraid SHE won't have any sex drive, either. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 1:28:48 PM | I think it is important to mention that just because someone is pissed is not a valid reason to neglect your spouse. I feel it is important to remember there are TWO people in a relationship....and you can lead a horse (s a$$) to water, but you cannot make them drink.
If you TRY to communicate with your partner and it doesn't work...at that point you are at an impasse. You can either get them to go to counseling, or you can leave them. To stay with a partner who will not communicate, not work towards a reconciliation, not go to therapy, is just plain masochistic and dysfunctional. Maybe someone who stays with this type of a partner qualifies for Martyr of the Year...but c'mon...is that really the goal? If your partner won't go to counseling with you, you are pretty much screwed. At that point, unfortunately the only choice you have to keep your life functional is to leave. Better than a fork in the eye....
Specially if you are under 30 and drop dead gorgeous. :-)
P.S. Not all counselors are created equally. Sometimes you have to seek out several of them before you find one that BOTH of you feel comfortable with. Don't go to a counselor that creates adversarial feelings in either one of you. The counselor should be seeking to see BOTH your sides..not just one. Yes I know that counseling is expensive. However...your entire future life depends on them. Consider it money necessarily and well spent.
Edit:
I just read this in an above post:
"If you are steadfast in unconditional love with your mate....."
It is my belief that the term "unconditional" is an inaccurate buzzword often used by people who feel everything should be forgiven. So is the word "love". These words are, unfortunately, both used abstractedly, when they should be used more concretely. Perhaps JESUS and GOD are capable of unconditional love (if they do in deed exist) but the rest of us imperfect human beings have a hard time finding "love" in our hearts for someone that lies to us, uses us, abuses us, cheats on us, etc. In fact, it can be said that someone who continues to "love" someone who specifically sets out to hurt them or use them is functioning with a type of dysfunction and is particularly masochistic. It can also be termed "having low self esteem". Sometimes the conditions warrant no longer being able to love the person. It is important to love yourself as well....and in so doing, to help yourself. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 2:41:34 PM | Yes it is wrong.
But a vow is a vow.
When something like this happens you either find a way to solve the problem or you move on. There's no point in complaining that he expects commitment and faith--- because you took a vow.
So you must either figure out the root of the problem or say, "Hey, I'm legally withdrawing my vow."
I tend to believe in working out problems... but stuff like this is difficult to deal with. | |
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| Is it wrong for husbands to sexually neglect their wife...but still expect commitment and faith??
Posted: 1/15/2008 2:59:29 PM | Is it wrong for a husband to neglect his wife sexually? I can't even believe that this is a serious question. It's wrong for a husband to neglect his wife period, and since marriage is at it's core a sexual relationship, it seems to me that this is especially egregious behavior. Jeweljess, describes someone who is not just inconsiderate but manipulative and controlling. The reasons are unclear but the results are obviously devastating.
For most of us, sex in marriage is not just about satisfying a simple biological urge. It can me a lot of things but at it's peak it it a profound connection with another human being, one who you love and cherish and honor. For most of us, hearing I no longer want to have sex with you, translates to I don't love you anymore. Of course I'm obviously not talking about isolated events or health related issues.
And sure, there are many other things that hold a couple together, but the sexual relationship just too fundamental to a successful marriage. Certainly people stay in loveless marriages for long periods of time but not happily or fulfilled.
I don't know the answer to your problem except to concur that seeking satisfaction outside the marriage in an affair will only make a bad situation worse. | |
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