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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:01:32 AM | In a c o cktail lounge near the United Nations, two delegates from Finland were harassing a colleague from Warsaw by telling Polish jokes. He waited politely until they ran out of steam, then asked, "Do either of you know what the closest thing is to a fish's bunghole?"
The men said no.
Stalking out of the room, he shouted, "Two Finns!" | |
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:26:41 PM | How can you tell when the stage is level?
Drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp
How do you shut a guitarist up?
Put sheet music in front of him
How many guitarists to change a light bulb?
12 - 1 to change it - 11 to tell him what he did wrong
How many Freudian psychiatrists to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to hold the "penis" .. er ... I mean "ladder" | |
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:09:31 PM | | Two blonds walking down the street, first blond takes out a compact. Tapping the mirror she say's, I know this girl, I know her. The second blond asked, let me see. She looks into the mirror and say's silly that's me. | |
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/10/2008 7:31:05 PM | I read all eight pages, LOL -- I love the one about the snail!!!!
Here's my contribution ; don't shoot me:
The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese:
* White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
*Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."
*Latino kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabrones, "Hey Putos!!! liver alone, cheese my sister!"
* * * *
This a bit long, but it's funny!
Lesson No.1
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: " Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson No.2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson No.3
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the ***hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ***hole being the Boss. So the ***hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.Eventually they all decided that the ***hole should be the Boss.
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ***hole will do.
Lesson No.4
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! | |
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/11/2008 2:37:59 AM | Q, Why is an idiots brain the size of a pea after exercise?
A, Because it swells up!
Q, Whats brown,yellow and hairy?
A, Cheese on toast dropped on the carpet
Q, Whats big, red and eats rocks?
A, A big red rock eater | |
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Sarnia
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Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 193 | |
| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:46:38 AM |
How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
You can't if it's in its blood.
Yeah, noone ever gets that.
I found that extremely funny... took me a sec but I got it... lmao, think I'll try that one on some of my unsuspecting friends... | |
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:49:40 AM | A Mexican goes to his citizenship test. There is a question on the Language section: "Make a sentence using the words green, pink and yellow." The Mexican thinks for a moment, then shouts out "I know! Thee phone eet goes greeeeen greeeen, I pink eet up, I say 'yellow'?"
Sorry... But say it out loud, it really is funny.
Rock on.
~m
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/12/2008 2:31:08 PM | 1) What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat?
A Hoot & Nanny (say it out loud)
2) A man was visiting his doctor:
man: I can't stop singing "Green Green Grass of Home"
doc: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome
man: Is that common?
doc: It's not unusual
3)
... A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster... faster... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
He runs up to his door,fumbles with his keys, opens the door,rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws them at the coffin... .. and of course....
... the coffin stopped!
4) Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
5)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
The frog croaks, "Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan so that I can go on a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, the amphibious son of singer Mick Jagger, and he goes on to say that he knows the bank manager.
Miss Whack explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
6) One of my favorites by Steven Wright:
"How is it that one can buy a whole chess set.....at a pawn shop?"
And I was going to post the one about the string walking into a bar, but someone else already did. *sigh*
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| Jokes that crack you up but others don't find 'that' funny
Posted: 9/22/2008 10:23:35 AM | this joke gets me everytime.....
black man going to a fancy dress party. wife brings him a santa suit. take that back he said, there is no black santa. she returns with a snowmans suit. for **** sake he said, when did you ever see a black snowman, she returns once more this time with a flat stick. what am i suppose to do with that he said. she replied shove it up your ****ing arse an go as a choc ice.
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