| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/15/2008 12:18:19 AM | Why do you believe this man and his family should
forget about somebody that past away that was important to their lives?
No matter how hard you want it, the family will not automaticly replace her with you.
Accept it and grow in a different direction with this man and his family.
This isn't like replacing a pet after they die. This is about a woman that developed
and nurtured her family.
Should they bury or discard every happy memory the family shared?
How selfish is that for your to ask or feel that because you are now part of his life that
he needs to feel ashamed of his dedication and love to the memory of his former spouse.
Learn to be more supportive and compassionate or you may end up losing this man.
I would look at this is a different way. You should be lucky to be part of
his life and he yours but I believe you can love someone new as deeply after a
spouse passes away just in a different way. There is no competition it is just a fact
of circumstances. The good thing is that he wants to open his heart up
once again and include you as part of his and his family's life.
Some people are just not strong enough to go on alone maybe you need to be
stronger for him and not be so jealous.
How does this man treat you and after two years? Does he remember all the dates that are important to you and him?
I think you need to analize everything that is good with the
relationship not what you feel that you can't control.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the man wanting to hold on to his memories.
I just hope over time he will treat you with the same dedication and love that will last forever. Good Luck. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/15/2008 8:41:23 AM | I know it's hard to find your path with this man. The matter at hand is not just his process, but yours as well. Every feminine trait in you, is a trigger for him. He may see you as his beloved, incarnate. There is so much in his heart, that I’m sure he doesn’t share with you, as if to spare your feelings.
I don’t know how strong your faith in God is, but if you pray about it, God will guide you. Now, I know…you’re thinkin’…”what about me ?” and my answer is….it IS all about you too ! There is a reason this man has come into your life, there is a reason you came into the lives of his children. You CAN HANDLE THIS.
You will need to embrace the memory of this woman. Learn about her. Talk about her. Accept the legacy she has left her children to honor the memory of her in any way they seem fit. In doing so, you’ll understand your part as a guardian of her memory, as well as a person they can look up to and know you’ve sacrificed a part of yourself to be pure of heart.
Now I ain’t sayin’ you have to throw her a birthday party or buy her symbolic Valentine gifts, but you can honor her.
Wouldn’t you want the same? If you want a future with this man….honor his past. Love him with all your heart or not at all. Don’t steal away his grief….it’s important to him. He will recover in his own time and when you see he is having a bad day, ask him if he wants to talk about it or be left alone. State your feelings about it. Tell him when you can’t listen and be supportive, because it hurts you, because you long for him to be happy. I think he would understand.
Grief is like a very heavy suitcase we carry from port to port, it's so heavy at first we can barely lift it. But we carry it along, we become weary and sore....till we realize over time, we've developed the muscles to carry it along easily, like a purse....it will always be there, but does get easier and lighter the more we carry it with us. Then we discover how important it is and we never really put it down. It's part of us and no trouble at all after a while. It contains everything valuable from our past.
Pray, child. Pray. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/15/2008 9:16:09 AM | | som14me, from what you have posted, this man loved his late wife and always will! The real question is whether you can deal with this fact. Will you, in your mind, always be in competition with his late wife? If you can't deal with his nostalgia of her, then it would be best if you moved on and looked for another man. A man that will not always love a woman that has passed from this world. Can you share him with a memory of his late wife? If you can, the relationship should be fine unless he brings up constant reminders of how his late wife did such and such this way, and do you think that you could do it that way too? Then it would be time to run like hell! | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:01:07 AM | OP....Its different when a beloved spouse dies, especially if there were children and if they were together a long time. I don't think its unusual that he has pictures but I'm curious as to your definition of 'shrine'. To remember her on her birthday is an honor, but I'm sure that part of that was done for the sake of the 'family' and not just him. Some men don't even remember a loved one's birthday when they're alive.
My husband (with whom I was with 23 yrs ) died 5 yrs ago when I was 41. I still have pictures up but I also have children at home. I didn't date for 3 1/2 yrs-that was me-not everyone is the same.
I still talk about him when dating-sometimes I find it hard not to. I grew up with him. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't of been for him. Just because he comes up in conversations does not mean that I'm not ready to move on.
I am not still grieving-at all. But when you share most of your life with someone, and you're talking with someone new and something in common comes up, more than likely your memory is going to include the spouse. For example: You and someone you meet (who's widowed) are talking about a place that you both have travelled to. The 'new person' mentions 'Yeah, I visited there 10 years ago with my spouse-we had a great time" . It inevitable that the spouse is going to come up.
Its not just 'widows or widowers' that have to 'grieve' and be ready to move on. Anyone that comes out of broken relationship needs to do the same. I can't tell you how many 'divorced' men I've met that were no where near ready to 'move on'.
OP, I will tell you though that its worth your while to stay with this man, IMO. The reason being that when a widow or widower is ready to move on, their heart will be more open and innocent and ready for love than most divorced men/women who've been dumped, hurt, cheated on or lied to. His marriage ended by death-not deceit or hurtful feelings.
I will always feel 'love' for my dead husband....but I can never be 'in love' with him again. There's a difference. For me, there's never been a 'competition' with a new man in my life. I've never compared anyone to him and probably never will. Each and every person is different and bring their own individualism to a relationship.
I would suggest talking with him, and maybe trying to determine if he feels he's ready to move on. But on birthdays, anniversaries and such (especially for the first few years) there will be lots of memories. Be sure you're ready to deal with that. {b}But that's all they are - memories.
HR | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/16/2008 6:38:58 AM | I have lost my wife of 10 years and started to go on Match .com a few months later and started to see a lady and believe it or not it did help me get thought the grieving process. In my case I loved being married, and having a "set" length of grief is a product of society and their beliefs. I very much loved my late wife and she will always be in my memories.
If a widow/er talks about their late one be tolerant and hear what they are saying. It don't mean that they will not find you interesting , its just they are telling you of their history.
Also if that person is dating you, don't feel that your in competition with a late spouse you anen't you are a very different individual. Also be yourself and if you find that person interesting and feel some chemistry....let it roll, and see if it works out.
You might find also that a widow/er is a good choice as they were happily married before and hope to find that again
----------of soap box------- | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/16/2008 7:11:15 AM | being the daughter of a widower who remarried 5 years later (that was 40 years ago) ....here is my 2 cents
there is a history that got cut short, not by choice. sometimes when a partner dies one way of holding onto that person is to amplify who they were and what they meant to us by holding onto the memories, anniversaries, etc.. there is such a thing as honoring the dead, which means you remember them and will always be there in your heart, yet there is a fine line between honor and holding on so tight that you aren't really living in the here and now.
Some men do not know how to move on and move forward and they think they are disrespecting their late wife by being with someone else. There has to be room in a person's heart to let someone else in after losing a loved one, otherwise the person who they are with now will grow tired of hearing about the past when what they want is to build a future together (when it's the right time). Some men are able to move on quickly (surprisingly) and it all works out. Some men move on but are not ready. I think you know where your guy is at.
My father did not build a shrine or any of those things... he did get on with his life but my stepmother was so jealous of my late mother she made my dad get rid of all her photos. he had no photos of her to pass onto his children. Stepmother was so obsessed about a ghost she felt she needed to diss my mother and tell stories about a woman she didn't know and never met.
It sounds like your friend is not ready for a relationship and you are. You deserve someone who is. Good luck. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:19:19 AM | Of course we love our dead mates, and always will. I still love my father who died 40 years ago, my brother who died 30 years ago, and my mother who died 10 years ago. And my mate who died two years ago.
Why do some people have to make a competition out of a fact that has no need for that? They're D E A D, people; they are NO threat to you. They can't come back. You have a living, breathing human in your hands, there by choice. What *exactly* are you so worried about? The human heart is huge, and there is no end of love. It's not a plate of spaghetti that can get eaten all up! It's an endless well of cool clean water. Just enjoy it for Pete's sake!
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:51:41 AM | Grief is like a very heavy suitcase we carry from port to port, it's so heavy at first we can barely lift it. But we carry it along, we become weary and sore....till we realize over time, we've developed the muscles to carry it along easily, like a purse....it will always be there, but does get easier and lighter the more we carry it with us. Then we discover how important it is and we never really put it down. It's part of us and no trouble at all after a while. It contains everything valuable from our past.
Pray, child. Pray.
omg, SunnyT... that's the most profound analogy I've ever heard or read. I was widowed 11 yrs ago. You're so right when you said "it will always be there, but it does get easier and lighter" as time goes by.
Everyone grieves in their own way... Grief has many stages and we have to grow through them to be able to come to terms with a loss of that magnitude. Some stages repeat but each time it does, as SunnyT so eloquently said, it does get easier and lighter. We can't put a time limit on it - it's different for everyone. The OP should be as patient and understanding as possible and allow the widower to talk about his grief as much as he wants. Talking about it is comforting and therapeutic. He took a huge step in allowing her to enter his life. However, the OP above all else must be patient, understanding and supportive.
Btw.. pray for strength. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:05:25 AM | | It varies I would think, being a friend first would be good to get them to slowly get comfortable with the grieving process. Until he/she is ready to move on with a relationship to start their "new" life over again. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:17:53 AM | I am a widow...and honestly this isnt any of your business to decide...ask...set a rule on...in my opinion. His wife was a huge part of his life and if the family chooses to deal by having pictures up and celebrating her birthday...talking about her then you need to be mature enough to accept that. She isnt competition for you....get over that. It would be like competing with his mom...this woman is part of who he is and there isnt going to be a point where that stops.
If you dont like it then maybe your not right for him. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 9:49:36 AM | OP, after reading more of the replies, I guess what it comes down to is what is he actually doing? Is he still grieving? By that I guess I mean does he say he still misses her, does he still get upset, etc. ? That would still 'be grieving'. If he's only bringing her up in conversations (as my last reply demonstrated) that's totally different. He would then be 'sharing memories' and no longer grieving. There's a difference.
Hope this helps.
SunnyTexas--that was an awesome analogy-thanks!
HR | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 10:10:08 AM | | How easy it would be if there were guidlines and rules for grief, but there are not. Grief is as individual as the the indivdual itself. He obviously wants you in his life if it has already been several months. It takes time to separate yourself from being a we to being a separate person from the whole of what was. Even when marriages are not the best the living day to day with another person for many years defines in a lot of respects who you are. I was widowed nine years and I took the first five years to work on myself , mentally, spititually, and physically, and knew when I was ready to bring someone else into my life. I hope you are able to enjoy the moments that you have together and give him time. I'm sure you have become an important part of his life for many reasons. Communication as always is the key to working on a relationship. I wish you luck and much joy on your journey with this gentlemen. PEACE!!!!!!! | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 10:40:29 AM | I've been a widow nearly 7 years now. Thank heaven the Good Lord protected me from foolish rebound relationships or panic remarriage.
As for having talking about the dear departed, for myself I can only say I was with him nearly half of my life...how can I NOT talk about stuff that we experienced? To expect a widowed person to just blank out what may have been a very large portion of their adult life is just plain unrealistic.
If the gentleman who was the subject of the OP is pushing people away with the amount of attention paid to his dead wife's memory, he's gonna have to sort that out in his own mind. Yakking about "normal" grief is just going to complicate an already difficult issue.
Cindy O | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:37:51 AM |
Yakking about "normal" grief is just going to complicate an already difficult issue.
Huh?
Sorry, ladyc4...ya lost me somewhere.
What is "normal" grief? | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 12:50:43 PM | A good friend of mine in Colorado married a widower. Even after 10 years of marriage the dead wife's pictures were still in all the albums and even prominently displayed above the fireplace. I asked her once if it bothered her she replied "No, she's the Mother of our children, why should it bother me?"
I think you feel threatened by a dead woman, it has only been a couple of years and even though he is lonely, he never will stop loving her. That does not mean he does not care for you. But it may still be too soon for him to marry again. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 12:56:27 PM | "normal" grief...maybe I should have said grief on a timetable, or grief the way some book describes it. So many nonwidowed people who date widowed people seem to think that all memories and references of the one who has passed should be locked in a closet and never spoken of or alluded to. Talking about the deceased spouse, having a picture(s) on display, visiting or tending the gravesidte are seen as 'evidence" that the widow(er) is not grieving "normally".
Hell I've seen people get get back into dating or even get married within a YEAR of being widowed,and do just fine I've seen people who haven't worked through their grief in TEN years. I've seen women rush into another marriage because of social and/or financial pressure who regretted the hell out of that misguided manuever...and I've seen marriages where all love had died and having one spouse pass was a RELIEF to the other one. ( I must look like Ann Landers or some other trusted counselor, I don't believe the private crap people tell me)
I don't think we can really say a number of months or years that's "normal" for grieving the death of a spouse. Not that I've seen.
Cindy O | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 1:22:53 PM | Sounds like you are helping him..
and I think or feel it may turn into something more
if not you made a good friend
and was or are one
That is a gift right there... | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:33:26 PM | Well, let me see. I am a grief counsellor, widow and my husband was a widower.
First - you never get over a loss, you get through it!!
Second - grief is a never ending thing that can keep rearing its ugly head many many years after a loss! Part of grieving is acceptance of that loss, but than one can find themselves starting all over tomorrow.
Third - no two people experience loss or grief in the same manner.
Fourth - there is no time frame for dealing with the loss of a partner, though some people try to get into a new relationship before they are ready. But that may be weeks, months or even years after the loss of a significant other!
Fifth - men often get involved in long term relationships with in the first year of losing their spouse. Women tend to take much longer.
When I started seeing my husband, his wife had been gone for about 8 months. Her picture was beside the bed, he talked about her a lot..... I took my time with him, was patient. Was interesting to see the picture got moved across the room, than turned away, than put face down than put in a drawer. I never said a word! Her clothes were in the room, he eventually had his daughter help move them out, take down a big picture of them.... I listened and was there while he went through it all. Our friendship was the foundation for our relationship!! 10 years later he would still have boughs of grief that were strong. I figured he was worth it, so I stood by him and gave him what he needed.
I tried dating about a year after my husband passed away. Found it too hard, so I just spent time with a friend and called it quites. After about 2 years of being alone I finally made another attempt at dating. It has been a long slow process. I did see a guy for about 6 months this summer, but I still find it all hard. It is just coming up on 3 years since he passed away, and I know I still talk about him, a lot, but he was a big part of my life, he always will be. I also still have issues that are a result of losing him. So yes, there are still days that the grief is hard to deal with. A lot less than there was, but it is still there!
If his house is a shrine and he seems to be still be having a lot of issues, maybe he needs a friend more than a girl friend. Complicated grief can be a big issue. Maybe try to learn about his relationship, read up on grief. Only time will tell. But that time will be on his schedule, not one that is run by a calendar.
Hope that helps!!
Country Girl 1963  | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 4:10:15 PM | I have a friend who got married at age 18 and at age 55 his wife died.
Four months later he was dating. He had no regrets about how he treated his wife. He was a wonderful husband to her but found himself awufully lonely. Some thought it inappropriate but i say Kudos to him to be able to go on and seek a mate to fill his void.
I have an uncle that I hope comes around to this attitude. He married probably around 18 and was a terrific husband for 40+ years, helped his spouse with all kinds of health issues. Put up with a lot of stuff because he loved her so much.
She died this fall. I think he needs to get into some grief support groups or something. Eventually, it would be great to see him with a healthy woman someday, having fun. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 5:06:04 PM | | Sometimes.. when it is death that tears a person apart.. it is often hard to find closure. The person often knows that it best to move on .. but has conflicting feelings... often feeling guilty because the person who has passed on .. cannot move on .. some even feel that there being unfaithful.. that others will even feel that maybe there dishonouring the persons memory... it is a different feeling.. a different situation when someone loses someone in death as oppose to breaking up.. and just moving on ... no one ever totally gets over losing someone they have loved.. that they have shared a life with .. children etc.. but they move on .. and find another love.. sometimes it is just therapy for them .. needing to talk about..the person.. and the best way to get over someone special is finding someone special.. and finding a new love.. not necessarily stopping loving that person .. but finding a new and different love. .i am sure after a while it will become a bit easier.. and the conversation will become less.. or at least to the point where it is not painful....remember the deceased is not longer here.. but you are.. and having your support and a soft place to land.. will bring you's closer.. and create a bond that is lasting .. ... | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 6:01:21 PM | When the love of your life dies, you have to move on...sometimes it is hard, but in my case, I know that my husband is "watching my every move."
Yes, I still have pictures, and i probably always will....whomever I choose to be with in the "next phase" of my life must realize that a small speck of my heart is not going to give up the most wonderful 17 years of my life!!!!
Marti | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/17/2008 10:11:52 PM | | well i,m a little differt than the rest of you people.i was divorced.when my ex died of cancer.we had bene divorced for about a year and half.and i kept trying to tell my self i was over him.that i didn,t love him any more.and i really thought i was.we had bene to gether for 25 years.we had childern and grand childern to gether.as soon as he got sick i found out that yes i was still very much still in love with him.i stuke by him while he was sick.he passed dec 2.i have pics up of him on my wall.i still talk about him i still go vist his grave. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/18/2008 5:58:08 AM | "Yes, I still have pictures, and i probably always will....whomever I choose to be with in the "next phase" of my life must realize that a small speck of my heart is not going to give up the most wonderful 17 years of my life!!!!"
I too have my pictures and my late wife too who was a widow have pictures of her husband, I never made an issue of the pictures, in fact I encouraged her to display her picture if she wanted to.
Those pictures are a "history" of that person and it don't mean that they love you less, it just means thats a part of her life.
Loving a widow/er is not difficult it just takes a little patients and understanding. Just dont be jealous of the past, because you are the future and that persons now. | |
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