| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:06:46 PM | Six months ago, a man wrote me through a personals site. He really came after me! He told me he had lost his wife 2 years before. We met for coffee and talked. We hit it off! BUT....he's not ready for anything more right now than me to be here as his friend. He knows I really would like more an that I'm willing to wait. We only meet one day a week for a few hours. No sex, just lunch or coffee. And after our meetings, we are both rejuvinated and happy.
Over the holidays he had old friends visit. It seems there is a woman from his past, someone he's like to date. We've talked about it. Even though I'm hurt, I guess this other woman knows both him and his late wife. The woman is even talking about moving back to the area with her children, just to see if there is a spark.
I've decided to be his friend. To let him do what he needs to do. I do know that it's possible that once he's over the grieving he "dumps" us both for greener pastures. But I do believe that what all widows and widowers need friends, first and foremost! What comes from those friendships may just turn out to be love! | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:32:21 PM | serenebreeze, what a good heart you have. You deserve the best. Good luck and I hope the relationship you have/had with this man teaches you a little bit about yourself. You deserve a heart just as blessed as yours.  | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/23/2008 6:34:42 PM |
A good friend of mine in Colorado married a widower. Even after 10 years of marriage the dead wife's pictures were still in all the albums and even prominently displayed above the fireplace. I asked her once if it bothered her she replied "No, she's the Mother of our children, why should it bother me?"
And really, why would this have to be different and bothersome if you are in a stable, loving relationship? Do you really expect to have a part of your life to be cut off just because someone might feel jealous or insecure?
Unfortunatelly, being in this situation (that, believe me, hasn't been chosen by anyone who checks "W" box in the marital status question) twice didn't make me forget who I am and what happenned in my life.
I have been very fortunate to love and to be loved, I enjoyed being married to two wonderful man who would always be not just in my heart, but also in a picture albums, prayers and in the stories of my life. And looking back there were so many funny, silly, and happy moments in my life that I was very lucky to have!
My late husband put the pictures of my first husband on the wall right near the pictures of his children and ex-wife, my parents and his parents, my cousins and his, and right near ours as well - we happenned to have life before we met! And neither one of us would ever accept a demand to forget or to hide it as we have committed a crime or should've been ashamed of the past.
I've never felt any threat or jealousy toward his ex-wife who has been a mother of his children AND alive and single - what's gone is gone. Did we send a B-day and Christmas cards to her? Sure! I couldn't do the same except to say a prayer on those days and didn't have to hide it...
The described above situation doesn't really tell anything besides that the man has pictures of his late wife and honors her memory on her B-day and may be on their anniversary? Is all you see and do surrounded by his late wife? Then you need to do your homework and to decide: what makes you stay with this man?
What makes you think that he had been totally different in his courting manners with his late wife? What makes people think that if they've met a widowed person who's somehow hurt them based on the excuses of "grieving" haven't been into the "games" all their life? Sounds like another severe case of generalizations... | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:32:20 AM | after a while you will remember all the good things and the bad thoughts and experiences will eventually fade.
A person thats dating a widow/er needs to remember that person that they were married to will always be remembered and they ARE NOT in competition with you. Just be patient. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:33:16 AM | Yes, I agree with you. Here is a word of caution for anyone who is dating or considering dating a widower. Beware. Many widowers do not get over the loss of their wife. They have been taught at an early age not to express their feelings because men shouldn't, it isn't considered manly. Many widowers are not able to deal with the deep feelings of loss they experience so they bury them. They put them on a shelf or keep them suppressed so that they don't have to deal with the pain. Not all men but many. They sometimes keep a so called shrine of their wife, pictures, mementos, etc. They feel nothing but disdain for those who are able to move on and disrespect the spouse's memory. Then comes a woman who is willing to attempt to reach out to this man. Many women will cut these men slack and accept behaviours that they never would accept from a divorced or single man. They believe these men need time and space to deal with their loss. The problem is, time has nothing to do with it. Men have to find a way to express their suppressed feelings and often that scares the life out of them. They will engage in sex and some intimate moments with their new "friend" but cannot bring themselves to go beyond that if they have continued to suppress their past. This inevitably ends badly. The new woman is hurt. The man suddenly turns and runs for the hills only to do this with someone else. Often men try councelling for a while but don't stick with it. After all, these are strangers and he cannot deal with his feelings with those who are close so it makes no sense to them to deal with such personal feelings with strangers. And so the suppression continues. Luckily, some men do find that when they open up the floodgates, and deal with the pain, they can find the comfort they were searching for. It is getting to that point that scares them. They are afraid the new woman would reject such feelings for their wife. They feel they are betraying their wife in some way. They feel that their former love will interfere with the new relationship. Only through very candid disclosure and communication can these feelings be dealt with.
I had a relationship with a widower recently. His pain is so great and he was such a closed individual that he could not deal with the new relationship. He claimed to love me and wanted desperately to have a relationship but he was stuck in his grief. This man was stuck at the same stage for 12 years. He never dealt with the pain, never talked to anyone about it. I love him dearly but came to the conclusion that I couldn't help him until he helped himself first. I left. It was too painful for me to try to reach him when he couldn't reach back. I know he cared for me but he was so mixed up in his emotions and could not express them. He didn't want to deal with the pain of the past and kept trying to compartmentalize his life. It didn't work and I ended up hurt and I believe he was hurt too. So a word of caution. Widowers need to deal with their past in order to move on. Some are able to quickly, some take much longer and some never do. So beware, be cautious, move slowly and if you see that he hides things or friends or family from you, wants only sex, or won't talk about his feelings from the past, then move on. He is not ready. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:20:48 AM | | someone whos been through the loss of a loved one needs time to heal, in my past experience they dont ever really get over someone they loved but learn that they can love others in other ways, even in our own relationships we never love each person the same as the other one we may of loved, im dating someone now who was married to someone for 34 years and she died suddenly, its hard for them to accept, get past the lost but thats where being friends come in, you start slow, be there if they need a shoulder to lean on, he lost his wife a year ago and just now feel like he can go on in life i dont expect him to be any other way in life, when i started this relationship i knew what i was getting into and it was up to me to either deal with it or not get into it, maybe you should really set down and evaluate your standings and if you cant accept how things are going back out and move on in life cause he sure dont need pressured or forced into things yet. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:13:46 AM | | Please forgive me, but I think that although they have a profile as widowed, when they state they are still grieving, simply it could be just their way of trying to be offhanded about things, as they are not that into you and using the widow aspect as an excuse ..... IMHO | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:28:24 AM | | I have only dated one widower, so I do not consider myself to be an expert on the subject, however, it was not an experience I would care to repeat. The man was a lovely gentleman who had been in a happy long term marriage to a terrific woman, with whom he had one daughter, now in her late teens. The few times we dated, he spent a lot of time talking about how wonderful and near-perfect his wife had been to the point where it felt as if she was sitting right there with us. Although I would expect his daughter to always come first with him, I didn't like feeling like there were 3 people on each of our dates. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:24:05 PM | Its so strange that this thread was revived and I reread it and my responses.
My last post on this topic was 1/18/2008 and nine days later, my husband of 22 years died of sudden cardiac death, while driving.
Now, I do consider myself a widow more than I do a divorcee. We were only divorced a year. The divorce was something he wanted, not me.
I have learned so much about the "appropriateness of grief", if there is such a thing and let me tell you...it ain't easy to be the exwife of the deceased and have to sit in the back of the funeral chapel when my heart was absolutely crushed tbecause things never got mended, because such little time passed and the hurt was so profound. I forgave him coffinside and promised to only speak well of him to his grandchild and to honor his memory with kind thoughts of beautiful memories. I received no condolescences from anyone, but I only wanted to help my daughter, so I wasn't expecting them either. No one realizes the sorrow you may be going through.
I thought in my heart, that I mourned him during the divorce, but feelings come back and grief begins anew.
Since his death I've experienced bouts of undescribable-knock-ya-to-your-knees sobs for a man I loved for half my life.
But as I said earlier, that suitcase of grief is very heavy but getting easier to bear.
My life has changed in a beautiful way, because all of the pain I felt prior to his death, now has bloomed into something I can deal with in a healthier grief.
Anyway, I just wanted to come back to this thread and share my story. I understand now, God's plan was that I was going to be alone at this time in my life. He just gave me a year head start on learning how to make it on my own. I know it ain't all about me, but the grace I've been shown is the path God chose for me.....God is good....real good.
Thanks for listenin. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:35:37 PM | don't worry about it. People do have a past before we meet them. she was a big
part of his past, and cannot just be erased as from a chalk board. And if he could forget her that easy, then he's noone that I'd want to be dating. At least yo u don't
have to be worried about being bothered by the ex in person; then again ? | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/2/2008 11:10:55 PM | I think you need another forum.
www.secondwivescafe.com
and look in the WOW forum. (Wives Of Widowers) They have some wonderful articles and advice for you (even if you are GOW (GF of a widower)).
I have dated a widower. I will never date one again.
Every relationship has issues. The widower has very special issues all on his own. BTDT. My experience was awful. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/2/2008 11:27:56 PM | YOU have no rite to TIME the grief process whom he loved
YES i agree i think he IS lookin for a friend rite now he STILL needs someone to talk to and NO he may neva get ova her..then o well live in her shadow n take care of her man as ur own or bounce its all YOU  | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/2/2008 11:31:01 PM | Being a widow you never get over losing your partner.
But there is no set rules how long it takes someone to stop grieving, it been 32 months for me, but i still have moments of guilt, because i've been looking for a new man.
I think men more than women, tend to look for a relationship straightaway. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/3/2008 12:11:35 AM | | i still have pics of my husband up on the wall.but i have childern and grand childrn with him.i have dated one man since my husbnd passed.and i didn,t take my pics down.but i didn,t talk about my husband all the time either.i only talked about him when i was asked somthing.but the man i dated was always talking about his ex.sunny i wrote u a messege.ur last post made me cry. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/3/2008 12:31:26 AM | Would that turn a man off though, constantly talking about your dead partner?
Its not something i have done, because when i think of him i start to cry, and not something i want to do in a packed restaurant, like you ive had one relationship since my husband died, and an odd date here and there.
But someone told me, men feel inferior if you constantly talk about your late partner, like they have real big shoes to fill.
or is that men being insecure, and trying to find fault. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/8/2008 11:13:50 PM | "I have been seeing him for awhile and his house is like a shrine to this woman."
" I feel guilty for wanting him (them) to honor and remember but to move forward."
For the sake of fate don't feel guilty for having a healthy outlook. They are still trying to live a perfect life in the past, still trying to deny reality and the present which is all any of us really has. We can learn from the past, or not, and we can plan for the future, again or not. However all we have is now. Judging from what you have mentioned it will take quite some time and a lot of professional help before this bunch grows up and gets out of their own self-absorbed pity party.
That he think so little of you to place you in an environment where you must feel in competition with a dead woman is rude, unconscionable, unfeeling, unthinking, unforgivable and an insult. To make matters worse, he is doing it deliberately and cares nothing for your feelings. The next thing you should say to him is good-bye before he starts asking you to join in the birthday celebrations.
"Get over yourself. The widower, wants to get back into life. But things are not easy"
You have got to be joking!! He wants to get back into life? How does showing more respect and feeling or a dead woman with whom he can have no further interaction than for a living, feeling lady who is obviously kind, caring and alive accomplish that? What does it say about him that he still has birthday parties for his dead wife? He is still living in his childish, egocentric universe. This, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad, it just is. He has, however, no right to drag anyone else into his self-centered world and by so doing cause her to doubt herself.
Who knows how far or how long this will continue? The best thing to do is leave before it gets really tragic. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:52:15 AM | Sunny....My heart goes out to you-thanks for sharing your wonderful story.
fishowl....I think its wrong for any of us to judge another widow/widower on how they might cope with their grief. The OP (profile deleted so I can't see her age) mentioned that the widow AND his family held a birthday party for the deceased spouse and you found that odd? It hadn't even been 2 yrs by that point and there were children involved. What if it was one of the children that wanted to do it? Did I throw a party for my husband's birthday? No...but had one of my sons asked, I most certainly would have!
Being a widow you never get over losing your partner.
Coarlan, all of us handle our grief differently. Its wrong to say that we never get over the loss. Most of us do get over it (we will never forget but we do move on).
Its not something i have done, because when i think of him i start to cry,
And its obvious from this post that you're not ready yet. If you can't even talk about him without crying, I'm guessing you're still not there yet. Its good that you're just looking for friends because I don't think you're ready for anything more - IMHO. Hang in there-it does get better, I promise. It took me just about 40 months before I was truly ready.
HR  | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/9/2008 8:11:35 AM | I may have missed it but did you mention how long it HAS been?
I myself am recovering from my wife's passing NOV 06, A part of my heart will always belong to her, we spent 22 yrs together. Everyone I talk to agrees with me. I was on the dating sites in 8 months. However, my wife had not been in the household for way over a year, in a nursing home. That extra time away made it feel like she had been gone longer even though I visited 2-3 times a week. But, I had my wife's blessing, she told me wasn't going to last and she wanted me to get remarried and date and have relationships.
Hope this helps | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:43:37 AM | I'm in a very new relationship (3 weeks last Saturday) with a very new widower (less than 3 months). I was very scared at first, and still sometimes worry about things like being a "rebound" relationship and stuff like that.
Each situation is different. In his, his wife had a long illness. He felt as though he'd had time to grieve and prepare himself before she died, and felt ready to date again. I was the first person he went out with after his wife passed away.
It is a kind of scary situation if you have never dated a widower before....it is to me. I haven't met anyone in his life yet, and I worry about how his kids will like me. I certainly don't want them to feel threatened or upset in any way by my presence in his life. They've been through so much already.
All I can say is follow your heart. There is no "time limit" when it comes to this as far as I can tell. I'm so glad I followed mine...although it's been such a short time I just kind of "know" that it's right with him. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm so glad that those doubts and fears didn't keep me from seeing him. His wife will always be a part of his past, and I would expect her to be. I wouldn't dare try to diminish or get rid of her memory - especially since there are children involved. But we all have past relationships. Just trust how you feel and what he says, and don't question it - you'll just drive yourself nuts! | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:26:21 PM | BTDT!
I was actually engaged to one.
The issues are very different in dating someone who is just divorced. I never had to set so many weird boundaries in my life.
I would really like to suggest a support group for you: www.secondwivescafe.com
They have a wonderful WOW/GOW (Wives of Widowers/ Girlfriends of Widowers) forum.
From my experience, his penis is ready to move on, (and maybe his loneliness) but not his heart. I am very sorry you are going through this. I have dated (and been engaged to one widower and I will never do it again. Too many weird issues.)
Sending you lots of hugs! | |
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