| No strings dating
Posted: 1/17/2008 5:20:41 PM | Thanks for all the responses everyone! I find I am not good at sharing a lover and I'd like to understand why. It's kind of ironic for me... on the one hand I think it's less selfish to let your partner go be with whoever else they want... but on the other hand I think it means you cherish someone more if you don't want to see them with anyone else.
I guess this leads to my next question for those of you who have/have had succesful no strings relations. Do you typically only have no strings with certain people? In other words, when thinking of having a no strings partner are there some you avoid because you know you could get in deep emotionally (ie, do you only pick people you think/know you can't get attached to)? Or when you say you want no strings you know it doesn't matter who it is... you will not get attached because that's where you're at at that time. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:09:29 PM | In answer to your previous question, I was always monogamous with my no-strings partners. If they were someone I enjoyed being with, then I tended to stay with them longer. I kind of think of a no-strings relationship as a good stop-over between more traditional relationships. I think you can have a no-strings relationship and then think "that was, easy and fun" and dive into another one, and be happy with that too, so go again, and again... but sooner or later, you're going to start to feel like you're missing something.
As for a partner that you feel like you should "avoid" someone because you might get in too deep with? Emotionally attached to? Well, that's when it's time to put no-strings relationships behind you. If you meet someone who makes you think of wedding cakes, long lace veils, matching golden bands... if you approach this person like they're a no-strings partner, you're going to have a lot of nice sex... and then wave bye-bye to the person who might have been your one true love, forever. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:26:33 PM | | Dating and sex with no strings can be very fun and fullfilling if BOTH of you agree that is all you want. Sometimes one wants more than the other and it gets all screwed up. Feelings can get hurt. When you have a relationship like this you have to not have any expectations set for the other person other than the good sex you share. It can be done but tricky at times. Just my 2 cents. Hugzzzzzz Talula | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/17/2008 9:09:40 PM | | There is a difference between NSA and FWB. The only true No Strings Attached is a one night stand where you may or may not even know the persons name. After that, seeing a person again or wanting to see a person again is more friends, or friends with bennies. I'm sure it's possible to have sex and nothing but sex with just any person, but not for me. Sex is an intimate act and I can't see how you can totally separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. The best sex happens not when you are just trying to make yourself feel good, but when you want your partner to feel good being with you. Like every one before me has posted, the key is both people expecting the same thing. I have had a couple of FWB's in recent history. I have had regular sex with someone I cared very much about. We both knew would would not make a good couple together, but we were friends and being friends we had many many nights, mornings, afternoons with great sex. We made it clear up front that even though we had no desire to be a couple, the sex had to be monogamous. Neither of us wanted a condom, it is so much better without, and that made it possible. It ended when she found someone she wanted to see and be a couple with. I was happy for her and we are still friends. It sounds to me like this is close to what you are describing, and if so, the only way you will be able to settle this with yourself is to make the same arrangement with your partner. Tell him he is free to do whatever he wants and you really want to continue having sex with him, but for your sake and his, if he wants to have sex with someone else it will have to stop with you. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:17:08 AM | Comet, no I don't restrict myself only to people I couldn't deelop feelings for. That type of thing wouldn't last for more than a night for me. I guess I would have to say my no strings relationships are more FWB heavy on the benefits thing. I don't think I would ever want to sleep with someone I couldn't hang out and watch a football game or go to the bar with. For me, the key to no strings is being okay with the idea that if either of us walked away tomorrow, we would have had a blast, enjoyed each other, and wish each other well in the future.
You know, I don't do monogomy myself, but it's a perfectly valid lifestyle. You don't HAVE to be okay with sharing a lover. It's not a requirement. I, myself, don't understand why it's a big deal but I know I am a rarity and considered strange. That's not new for me. I don't feel like I'm missing anything by my partner having other partners or both of us having other partners as long as we are both okay with it. That's me and my partners though. You don't have to feel that way. You can be not okay with sharing a lover and that is perfectly valid as long as you are both on the same page. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:40:43 AM | kthyg and others in non-monogamous no strings:
Am I wrong to assume people involved in non-monogamous no strings relationships are also more inclined to engage in group sex? You can also answer for cases other than your own you know of if you prefer... or feel free to email me privately. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:18:29 AM | | I would say for sure that non-monogomous people would be more inclined to engage in group sex since that would violate the monogomous thing. The only time I've been in a group sex situation (aka 3 way) was when the three of us were in a committed relationship together. I don't think the no strings part has much to do with it. That's been my observation and experience. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:35:08 AM | Usually when you date someone, you start with going out with several people, so it's not a talk per se, but an understanding that you are not exclusive, yet. However, most relationships, if successful are a pathway to exclusivity. So you go out with several people, then one by one they fall off, you stay with one. Then you have the exclusive talk.
If you have a no strings talk, that sounds to me ridiculous, or a way to say, Hey I just want to fvck you when ever with no emotional attachment. If that is good for you, fine, but eventually someone is going to develop an emotional attachment, thus you are heading for disaster. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:00:11 AM | "Usually when you date someone, you start with going out with several people"
Hmmm... I don't typically get involved with more than one person at a time. Once I have sex with someone I consider myself exclusive and hope for the same from them and generally ask or initiate conversation about it. I also want to know for disease-sake. So I guess I'm just an old-fashioned fruitcake.
kthyg.. have you pretty much felt the way you do all your life? If not, when and what changed your attitude (if you don't mind me asking)?
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:09:35 AM |
And how many of you found upon after making a "no strings" agreement felt hurt/disappointed when you discovered your no strings partner was having/had sex with someone else?
Hmmmm ~ I have never done this so I'm posting with NO experience on this subject. For me, I've frenzy-dated and multi-dated, but there was no sex with any of them. I did date someone quite a few years ago that knew there would be no sex with me, so he had an FWB. She knew, I knew, he obviously knew and when I relocated, I believe they stayed in the same situation. I wasn't bothered because I didn't want that type of situation and she apparently didn't mind, so I suppose no one got hurt. How they ended, I have no clue ~ but if honesty matters, I'd think it would be personal choice. I wouldn't have subjected myself to her portion of the situation, but I don't judge those who offer that option. Today ~ it's all or nothing with me, one on one is the only route I go ~ that includes meeting/dating. But, I'm older and don't mind being alone ~ maybe that makes a difference? JMO  | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:17:38 AM | I have had 3 aggrements like this. All 3 have ended in a deeper friendship than I could have ever gotten from my marriage (divorced now). 1. We dated for 3 years (1995)and then had friends with benifits for another 3, we are still very close to this day and talk 2-3 times a week (she is married now). 2. We dated for 3 months (1999), and we still talk and hook up from time to time. 3. We dated for 3 years (2001), and are still very close, and have had an open relationship in the past.
As long as both parties understand it isn't permanent the hurt feeling can be controlled. However you need to communicate. Actually I found the communication process is much more honest in these types of relationships than in marriage. I don't understand why, but my ex-wife was very difficult to communicate to, while my friends with benifits are exetremely easy to communicate to. If one of us starts to get attached we discuss it and we usually come up with the conclusion that we are much better lovers than we are partners. GO figure. In order to have this type of relationship you need to be very secure with yourself and your partner need to be equally secure with themselves. Afterall we are dealing with emotions and if you don't know how to control those emotions someone will get hurt. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:25:21 AM |
I have had regular sex with someone I cared very much about. We both knew would would not make a good couple together, but we were friends and being friends we had many many nights, mornings, afternoons with great sex. It ended when she found someone she wanted to see and be a couple with. I was happy for her and we are still friends.
This is exactly the type of relationship I run with for FWB. My most involved one has lasted on and off for 7 years, we are best friends, know everything about each other enough to realize that we'd murder each other if we were dating or married. He's had several attempts at legitimate relationships along the way, and we just cut out the sex part of our relationship during that time. I fully admit that I love him.. but I don't "love" him in a certain way that would make me cross the line into a "regular" style relationship.
I don't feel you can be continually intimate with someone and not become attached or care for them at all, its a line you have to draw further up the road that will dictate how far you get involved. There is a distinct difference between loving someone as a friend and loving them as a partner. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:32:44 AM | | "No strings" is basically an FWB. While a few women will go for it--most women don't. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:36:12 AM | Comet, no, I haven't felt that way all my life. Or, at least, I didn't allow myself to feel that way. I was raised in a consevative family and spent a lot of my life suppressing my own opinions which differed from theirs. I got married because "that's what you did" when you loved someone and for a while concentrated on school. After I graduated and moved half the country away with just my husband and got established in my career. I finally got out there and started meeting other people. I realised there were a lot more things in the world than I had known about and perfectly wonderful people lived different lifestyles.
I guess that's what started me on this path. There is a whole long story that comes along with it but at some point I learned the term Polyamory (litterally meaning many loves) and my husband and I talked and talked about it. He had always felt that way but had suppressed his thoughts on it because I wasn't secure enough to handle it. Eventually we opened our marraige. I took a lover first who was a good friend of both of ours, then we both took a woman into our lives who we both cared for.
Now, you will note I am no longer married. That has nothing to do with the poly aspect of our marraige (although many wouldn't believe that) and everything to do with normal reasons people don't make it like married to young, grew up at different rates, unequal balance of power, different needs. We are still friends.
I have no idea if that answered anything you wanted to know but I hope so. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:39:01 AM | Part of the reason I brought all this up is because my last "lover" who kept telling me he is monogamous and came on very strong and I thought we were going to have a serious future together... I found out about 1 year into it he had reunited with an ex-flame at a wedding and asked her to grow old with him that weekend and it carried on in email and phone calls for 5 months before I found out.
I think he had planned all along to keep me around only until he could be with her again (she was travelling all over the world for 1 year.. long story). I had told him many times my pet peeve in relationships is cheating and asked him a few times when things felt "off" to please just let me know if he ever met someone else he wanted to pursue rather than cheat on me.
He has lied to his friends and family about just about everything that transpired and actually made me look like the bad guy (downplayed their involvement and the length of it... said he broke all contact with the other woman... and made me look like an unforgiving ****....). I will never understand why he wasn't just honest with me.. either before I found out about her or after. I guess he's just not very evolved. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:51:38 AM | Comet, see, now that is just outrageous. That's not good at all. I wouldn't put up with it although someone pulled it on me once. Luckily it was early on so it wasn't too painful. See, those of us who are not monogomous like to emphasise "responsible non-monogomy". That means you take responsability for your actions, make sure your partners know what's going on, use protection, that type of thing. To make it work, you have to be operating from a platform of owning your own stuff and being honest and upfront. the three C's are communication, communication, communication.
Your situation was a lot different. He was just the typical cheater. It doesn't matter what community you are involved in, that's wrong. Everybody looks down on someone like that. That one was just a cheater and a player. It had nothing to do with sharing or mongomy or anything other than him being "one of those people". | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:52:53 AM | | Once. I had this type of relationship once and I still miss her. We had worked together for close to a decade when she left the company, we kept in touch, she would invite me for dinner occasionally and one night we found ourselves wrapped around each other and it was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had even though we both knew there wasn't a future in it. It was unspoken, but known. From that moment on, our dinners were much more enjoyable! I don't think I would do it again. I need and want more, as does she. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 10:49:14 AM |
Hmmm... I don't typically get involved with more than one person at a time. Once I have sex with someone I consider myself exclusive and hope for the same from them and generally ask or initiate conversation about it. I also want to know for disease-sake. So I guess I'm just an old-fashioned fruitcake.
This statement confuses me. If you don't get involve with more than one person at the time, and you are monogamous about it, then what ta he!! do you mean by no strings? No strings then means OTHER people. It means no attachments, which is for a reason.
To be in a monogamous relationship and say to the other person "no strings" is simply delusional, in other words, lying to yourself that you're not going to get attached. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 11:07:48 AM | | OM.. not sure where the confusion lies except I think you thought I posted this topic because *I* am interested in no strings dating? | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 12:48:11 PM | OM.. not sure where the confusion lies except I think you thought I posted this topic because *I* am interested in no strings dating?
Or that someone else told you No strings and you bought into it.
I find I am not good at sharing a lover and I'd like to understand why.
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:45:57 PM | [There is a distinct difference between loving someone as a friend and loving them as a partner.]
Yes there is. I heard it said once that loving someone was wanting the best for them. Being in love with someone was wanting them.
If you can have great sex with someone and still want whatever is best for them, even if it means giving up sex with them when they choose someone else, well, what more can you ask for outside of a committed relationship? | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:01:54 PM |
I guess this leads to my next question for those of you who have/have had succesful no strings relations. Do you typically only have no strings with certain people? In other words, when thinking of having a no strings partner are there some you avoid because you know you could get in deep emotionally (ie, do you only pick people you think/know you can't get attached to)? Or when you say you want no strings you know it doesn't matter who it is... you will not get attached because that's where you're at at that time.
I only engage in no-strings sexual relationships with people that I know and trust and have attraction to, but no long-term potential with. It's always mutual and communicated. I enjoy my friendships with them outside the bedroom as much as I enjoy our time inside the bedroom. They are the ones I can actually talk to deeply and personally about issues I'm having with a guy I'm dating and the sexual issues that may come up. They understand me in my entirety and are probably the most satisfying cuddlers I've been with so far. I'm deeply emotionally attached to them as friends, and would mourn that loss if they decided that the sex was the only worthwhile thing about the relationship. However I'm not looking to marry them because of one or two major dealbreakers. They are friends with benefits. They are not friends with benefits and potential. In all my FWB relationships we've recognized that something wasn't there as far as long-term potential went, but other aspects were there. | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:08:26 PM | | I should also add that if I ended up dating someone and sex entered the picture with them, anyone who was currently an FWB would have to put the benefits on hold temporarily or permanently. That's part of my understanding and communication with anyone I am in an FWB relationship with. Sex should mean exclusivity, in my book. I would definitely communicate that to my partner as well, for at that time, they go from being "The guy I'm dating" to "my partner." | |
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| No strings dating
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:21:53 PM |
should also add that if I ended up dating someone and sex entered the picture with them, anyone who was currently an FWB would have to put the benefits on hold temporarily or permanently.
I guess that's a difference between mono and poly people. Anyone who comes into my life does so with the knowledge that I won't push any of my existing relationships aside to add someone else. I know I'm the odd ball. | |
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