| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:22:52 AM | I would suggest you get her to let you go with her. She shouldn't have a problem with introducing you to her ex, since he's just a friend. If she seems guarded, then maybe she's into him more then she let's you in on. Though he's an ex- but still her friend, neither of them should have an issue.
I'm not jumping to conclusions, but your intuitions could be right. I am still in contact with a few of my exes as well, though I wouldn't leave a current bf for my ex, one still considers me "girlfriend" material and wouldn't hesitate a second to "steal" me back if I let him. You also said yourself that she would pick them over you at the drop of a hat. That to me isn't good on her part because if she's investing in this guy, and he happens to whoo her, you could be terminated, especially with the constant fighting.
I'm glad that you admit to having trust issues and are doing what you can to subside them. But, insecurity hides within that and it can be a major turn off to her. It's not about you getting just what you want ( in ex. her not seeing her exes ) or, her getting what she wants, ( keeping the only friends she has which are exes) it boils down to both of you getting what you both want and being rationale about it. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:25:42 AM | | I think you are right to feel the way you do. If someone LOVES you and something makes you feel uncomfortable then they would stop. I think you are more committed than her. Probably should'nt of moved in together without more of a committment...I would think that you aren't "roommates"...but you are an item, if you live together. And again, if someone loves you why would they want to hurt you? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:32:47 AM | We teach people how to treat us.
If something is Not ok with you - it is up to You to respect your own self. If 'she' (or anyone else) doesn't treat you appropriately you have choices: You can leave without looking back. You can stay and expect more of the same. The Only person you can control is Yourself. You can't 'make' her behave the way you would like, but you can make that 'spot' available for someone who you are happy with.
Sounds like a lot of games and drama to me.
All the best
A.S.is | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:39:43 AM | Run.... run like the wind! 
You DON'T trust her, and she is giving you every reason not to... In my experience, when the green eyed monster makes his appearance and one dismisses it completely as she has done, the party is over.
Clearly you accept that you have trust issues, someone who cares about you would not deliberately do things to exacerbate that... If it was just a friendship, it would have immediately occurred to her to include you, to help you better deal with that anxiety, not plan a more intimate outing that excluded you. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:41:01 AM | | am I missing something? They live together. So what is the nature of their relationship? Is this typical couple behavior? and if they aren't a couple, what are they doing living together? an open book policy keeps things trustful. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:54:47 AM | dharmabum,
I agree with you, I believe that your girlfriend is acting very inappropriately and has every intension of "keeping her options open.."
If she truly loves you and cares for your feelings, she wouldnt be worried about some old boyfriend on facebook, all she would worry about is making you happy..
Talk to her, and if she wont walk the extra mile for you maybe she's not the right women to be in your life.. You both must appreciate eachother..
Sincerely Yours,
Sara | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 10:03:14 AM | There are a lot of people who think it's perfectly alright to hangout with ex boyfriends, I am not one of them anymore. Twice I've let that happen and twice I've been cheated on. First was my ex wife and the second my girlfriend. I'm not saying everyone is like this but lets be realistic, they are an ex for a reason. I don't really think anyone likes the idea of their significant other hanging out with someone they've had sex with. It just leaves a bad feeling.
Obviously she doesn't respect you or the fact that it bothers you. It may sound childish, but in a few days, I'd just tell her that you ran into one of your ex's and the two of you decided to go out for a few drinks and catch up. Try and get a feel for her reaction. Then just go out for a few hours. If she's put off, than obviously she's doing this to get a reaction out of you as well, if she doesn't seem to care, she either doesn't care about the relationship or she is completely inept. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:10:11 PM | Well from a women's point of view I can tell you, I understand that she wants to keep friends with an old boyfriend, we ladies don't like to hate, we are soft at heart and I myself like to keep been a friend of my old boyfriend but...... There are limitations, if I'm still single still I keep my distance, even though I could keep a door slight open, if I feel I want to go back or if he was good, and he treated me well, and who knows relationship end in many ways, so it depends, if it ended bad and I don't want possibilities I would talk to them, but......If I have a boyfriend I should respect that, the other person had it's chance and if it didn't work out with him, that means I could move on, and what she's doing to you is very unrespectufull, she should put priority on you, and ask you, is it ok to you if she goes out, if she really wants to go out with this person, if you say no, she can push her point, and you can say ok to one time, but more often no, I don't think is normal, I think this is the way she is, with all her exboyfriends, and you have to think if this is what you want, if she said she'll pick her ex boyfriend over you, that should tell you everything, another thing if you tell her you'll do the same, she knows that you are doing it on revenge, but a friendy advice, calm yourself, breath deep and act wisely, relationships are not just about love, is being smart also, sometimes you have to let go the one you love, in order to have them, have you hear this "If you love somebody, let it go, if it comes back, is yours if not never was" believe me is true, if hurts to let them go, because we love therm so much, but it also gives the opportunity for the other person, to see things different, to miss you and to see if they really want to be with you, maybe she'll look at you in a different way, also nobody men or women, like a weak person, you seem unsecure, change show her that you can be without her also, do your things, go out, even if it's alone, read, go to the beach, take a walk, do anything alone, meditate, it helps, she might turn around, is just and advice, I'm going through the same, I been without my boyfrien for almost 6 months now, I've my own apartment, I pay my own bills, I go out by myself, he calls I'm not available, I call back after a few hours, tell him I was busy, before I'll call him immidiatelly but no more, he even went out with somebody else, which it hurts, but now he is asking me to came back, I told him I was not sure, I needed more time, so he's still around, eventually I'll get him bakc, I love him and miss him so much, but he needs to learn his lesson and so your girlfriend, if she feels something for you, she'll change if not, she'll not come back, if there's love anything can be fix, but if not there's no solution for any problem.
I hope I could give you some advise, try it goood luck. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:32:10 PM | He said. She said. OP I hear where you are coming from. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Personally, I would respect my s/o and not go out with my ex. My relationship with my live in love would come first. If he was just a friend it would be lunch and just that. I do dinners with dates and the girls only. This is just me.
I can't put up with type of behavior so what you do is up to you. I wish you the best.
Any why isn't she inviting you to these outings? I certainly would. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:41:13 PM | didn't read your entire post. But enough to know only you can truly decide what you want and don't want with a woman. I guess generally today's population would probably say hey you have to understand blah blah. I personally wouldn't and i don't accept that bs if i want a relationship. There a reason they are your exs let them be and move on with your life specially if you got someone in it and be with them. Your call if you want to continue with this relationship or not. I moved in with my gf before and it doomed us, we broke but whatever it happened but she knew i didn't put up with that bs and it went both ways.
good luck to you sir and i hope you work things out and do your thing, life is for living not for stressing. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:20:38 PM | Seems her foot is half way out the door if she's always threatening to leave. The verbal exchanges between the 2 of you is pretty darn ugly, I don't forsee your relationship lasting. When you mention going out on an occasional date yourself, if those aren't friends that you knew before you met your GF, then that's a cheap shot at her. Seems you've got some issues to get over.
As far as the people (ex BF's included) she knew before she met you, she has a right to maintain those relationships. I see nothing wrong with her having lunch with an ex BF, or a drink after work (provided she lets you know about it). You've gotta figure out who she spends more time with, and where her heart is at. OP - granted, you've been screwed in the past by a former GF, but why should your current GF pay the price? You are NO way near ready to be in a relationship when you have unfinished business from your past. If you want romance, by damn, you need to get off your butt and romance her. Sounds like you haven't been doing that, you're too wrapped up in playing the "victim". | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:08:04 PM | | If your dating someone and they feel it necessary to keep contact with and ex and say we are just friends? My advise to you would be leave fast.Not saying she should be mean to the guy if she runs across him on the street but to go out to dinner and ignore your feelings is not a relationship you want to be in and even worse when she is against you going out with one of your ex's.I have been the guy on both sides of this issue so I guess I learned my lesson and stay away from this. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:28:04 PM | OP
The next time she threatens to leave, call her bluff. Either she'll follow through or waffle.
You really don't need anymore emotional baggage. Unless you're a glutton for punishment and that gets you off. In which case you're perfect for each other.
Nobody likes to be dictated to, but you are just asking for respect. If there's no respect then doesn't it makes sense that there is no trust?
This is not a healthy relationship. Get out while you still have some semblance of sanity left. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:50:57 AM | I have to agree with the poster who emphasized the part of her threatening to leave after an arguement.
I'd say let her because she knows it'll shut you up and apparently you back down after that.
It's just like something I heard a long time ago about the partner saying you're too good for him/her.
It's generally true.
When threats of that nature start and they display an interest in other people there ain't no fixin' it at that point. She's not with you because she wants to, she's there because she has to be and is probably looking elsewhere to move to.
Just personal experience. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:05:40 AM |
I think you are right to feel the way you do. If someone LOVES you and something makes you feel uncomfortable then they would stop. I think you are more committed than her. Probably should'nt of moved in together without more of a committment...I would think that you aren't "roommates"...but you are an item, if you live together. And again, if someone loves you why would they want to hurt you?
This goes both ways. If breaking or severely limiting (twice in four weeks?) one of her friendships makes her uncomfortable or hurts her, would it not make sense to stop bothering her about it via your logic?
Personally, I'd try to go along and get to know the guy. If neither the OP or his girlfriend is willing to compromise somewhere I doubt they are going to get anywhere because they're both disregarding eachother's feelings as unreasonable. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:48:28 PM | WTF!!!!!! dude if she is running around with an ex BF. sure to bet she is trying to rekindle something???? if she hasnt already. i mean hey it leaves one to wonder why did those 2 stop seeing each other in the first place?
you need to find yourself a lady friend to go out on dates with and see how she likes it.
just like another poster said ask to go on these 'outings' with your woman and her 'supposed friend'. if you do im sure youll see signs and sides of her youve not seen before. its probably over tween you 2 and she is playing the field and not behind your back. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:05:21 PM | Thanks everyone for the advice. I should have stated in my original post that my girlfriend did invite me to meet her ex-boyfriend. I said no. I'm still not sure I necessarily want to meet him. I think it would be awkward.
It's interesting that the advice I've received tends to split along gender lines. So many of the guys responded by telling me to run, while most of the women suggested I meet her ex. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:30:14 PM | | Dharmabum48 - the only way to know for sure if this ex-boyfriend is more than a friend is to meet him, check him out and talk to him. If you care about her and your relationship, you should check him out. This might end the tension and problems, also if the man will not look you in the eyes, that will speak volumes. Who knows, if he is a great friend to your gf he might become a good friend of yours. Its all about being open, honest, searching and confirming the truth. Good luck. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:48:24 PM | | for myself when I am done with a ex boyfriend I move on... I don't try to be their friend nor do I have room for someone that didn't work out.... I move forward .... I may not hate them.... I may not trash them..... but I laugh at the idea of friendship if they meant anything serious to me at some point... when I am with someone the last thing I want to do is make him feel insecure over a failure of my past... I wouldn't feel it was worth it to risk losing him...but I'm a open/shut person where the heart is concerned... | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:51:12 PM | easy this one,
shes so insecure shes maintaining the friendship so she can run into this other guys arms if you two have a real blowout.
if your girlfriend is seeing exes or males friends 121 then its a **** buddy situation waiting to happen........if it isnt already | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:11:12 PM | Dear OP,
She's playing you for a fool. It's time to set some personal boundaries. Sit down and draw a contract up for yourself about what's acceptable in a relationship and then share the contract with her. Be prepared to honour your contract.
Personally, I would not accept my SO having friendships from which I was excluded. | |
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