| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:31:50 AM | If you don't trust her, then you two really don't have much hope. Also you can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with. In this case she has known him for 14 years, and I don't see the harm with her hanging out once in a while.
At the same time I get where you are coming from. It can be awkard, and you also have been hurt in the past. You should tag along one night and meet him for yourself.
Try to show a little understanding and try to be a little more confident in yourself. In time your insecurities will go away. | |
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deknaj
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Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 78 | |
| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:51:18 PM | | Well from my perspective, I was told that her ex (they had dated for a year and I was being told what a crumb he was - they were broken up about a month when she started making overtures toward me - I also had nothing to do with her breakup - she broke it off) was coming over for dinner and that there was nothing going on between them....this after she flinched when I tried to give her a peck on the cheek as a thank you for doing me a favor. Well as time went on communication diminished and she started pulling away from me...I finally questioned her about it and suddenly we had reverted to just being friends (I can only give you friendship for now was her exact quote) but she asks me if there was someone else, would that change our friendship? Of course it would because at whatever level you want to call it, we were dating....then it became supposedly she didnt have time for a relationship right now with anyone....and then the week later I was being dumped...told I did nothing wrong except ask for advice on what to do from a fellow co-worker who turned around and blabbed to her and made such a huge drama out of it...which mirrored a situation she had on a previous job where she was dating a co-worker where people asked about her personal life. I apologized sincerely for hurting her in any way and am still sorry to this day, but still havent been forgiven, and was then told there were too many snags about her getting back together with her ex but that now she doesnt date co-workers and doesnt remember me referring to her as the girl I was dating or the girl I was seeing...terms I had used many times with her. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:58:00 PM | Babe, my heart goes out to you. My ex and I are still great mates... ( long story, kids involved, he betrayed me, the usual!)
We are now just friends and his girlfriend knows that we are still close.... but really, if no children involved why can't you go too? If there is nothing to hide from each other?
You sound like a really decent guy. Have you any female friends you could say you are going out with?
Trust is a two way street and what's good for her is good for you.
Follow your heart.
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:05:19 PM | My ex girlfriend was phoned daily by her ex, it caused lots of arguments, she used to say it was too keep in touch with his kids, but he phoned while they were at school or silly times like 2 in the morning because he was drunk, and she never did anything about it, found out she was shopping for him one day, this went on for 8 years, and I know it would never have stopped, just wondering if her new partner has got fed up of it yet.
So all I am saying is if she is still in contact, will it last years, it did for me, and caused rows.
she never could tell me why she put up with him phoning, maybe secretly she still had something for him, and I do know for definate he still wanted her. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:46:24 PM | OK let me weigh in if I may.. IMHO... these two sentences seem to put clarity to the situation..
"Gee, he's taking you out more than I am these days." She responded: "Yeah, it's starting to look that way."
I think that pretty well says it.. I don't know what her motivation is.. but I think this is telling you how things are.. I suspect she is playing games.. but I don't think any counselor would say that you have trust issues for being bothered by a 3 1/2 hour dinner date between your girlfriend.. and her ex boyfriend.. I mean anyone with half a brain would be that way..
So no you aren't off base. I think emails and my space stuff is ok.. but 3 1/2 hr dinner date is not.
This sounds passive aggressive to me.
But if you have this much fighting between you I think you need to move on.
But if I were you I'd draw a line in the sand.. and give her an ultimatim.. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:50:47 PM | | my friend, i think you need to remove yourself from this relationship right now, it really does not seem she has intentions of making any commitment with you. if she cant talk about her time out with the ex, something is amiss, i would walk, but very fast | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:30:30 PM | | If you can't deal with her being in touch with exes, then you'd better step out of this. Sounds like you and she don't have a good dynamic anyway, needling each other like that. Sounds like she's keeping her hooks in the water, too. This is all bad. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 3:11:26 AM |
Buddy... I didnt even read the whole thing. The first few lines said it all. A woman who constantly threatens to leave REALLY wants to and is just looking for an excuse. Making you give her what she wants is just a nice sadistic bonus. Pile on top of that, she wants to maintain a "friendship" with her bf? Hahaha, buddy. Id be surprised if she even broke up with you before she slept with him. Cause have no doubt, shes going to screw him silly if she hasnt already. Knowing that, Id say it was your call about what to do. I know Id use her till she cheated on me. She'd deserve it.
EXACTLY!! to everything you just said..usualy when a woman acts that way and gives you the dreaded "ultimatum"..she in fact WANTS to leave your ass..and yes you are falling right into the "trap"..you are giving her teh right "bait"..you are doing everything she wants you to do..so she can get to leave you..i personally would not want to be with someone like her..GO FIGURE!!
I may be young..but i've had a lot of experience with women and i know how they work..she doesnt want to be with you..trust me on that one.. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 3:52:10 AM | Sounds like she is wanting a "open" relationship and to be honest I think you need to give her walking papers...It is very likely she is not being faithful to you. You can't have your cake and eat it too. She needs to let these guys move on from her and she needs to move on from them. Does this old boyfriend even know about you? Do the other ex's even know about her?
I'm sorry, but I think she is "playing" you when she says you have trust issues and playing it to the "limit"...it would be natural for someone not to trust this situation. I wouldn't worry about losing her b/c she thinks you are jealous, b/c it may already be too late...you are allowing her to date others under your nose....and you are living together? By the way is she contributing to the household expenses equally or are you footing the bill...? Hate to ask that question, but she may be the type to just use people...sorry I have to speak my honest opinion here...
My opinion: Give her walking papers and tell her you will NOT put up with this...If she cares about your feelings she will put a stop to this behavior. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 3:58:34 AM | BAGGAGE = going to make you suffer for what my ex did.
RELATIONSHIP = making another persons life fit in with yours, making you both happy.
What you have is a total battlefield, RUN. Go find yourself some happiness and leave her to stew in her misery.
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 4:34:50 AM | | I dont think you need to meet her BF, and what is good for the goose is good for the gander so go out with other women she has set the policy and dam you have your rights. Give her some of her own medicne. If you are in a realtionship you dont sabatoge it by going out with old BF or new freinds the same goes for men. She said that if you go out you get serious well tell her you feel the same way with her going out with other men. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:16:09 AM | I admit I didnt read it all, its not about trust its about respect..........
If you want to work it out with someone you work it out and she does have to choose, if it bothers you and its not somehting so absurd to want your partner to be done with their x's.......
At the least you should be meeting with him as a couple, you may not like him, but if your excluded then she is in the wrong completely and I dont think your screwed up at all over this, she is.........
How many men will tell you that men only stay freinds with women they are attracted too, they all tell me that, I thought it was ok to stay friends with a male friend while having a relationship, but its true they eventually put it on you....... this guy was married and I was friends with his wife, she trusted me as I only visited when she was home, she knew I wouldnt i put out to a man I wasnt involved with especially a married one
and my new man new him, however he did put in on me first chance he got, I never told her or my other half, but I never saw him again and dont consider him a friend............ He obviously didnt consider me a friend at all.........
Live and learn, it has happened everytime and of course, they are no longer my friend for making a fool out of me, and proving my partner right, and I certainly didnt want the advances, it was a long time ago and I have learnt and know that men who told me this were right.
If they are genuine they will be friends with both of you and it will feel right and not cause problems
This is not the case is it.........
Blow the councillor they are their to listen only and you are meant to work it out by hearing each other in a nuetral environment where it cant blow up........
go back after you have got rid of her, you probably wont need to
let him have her, he wont be so keen to be her friend when she is single, he doesnt want her full time obviously....... she is an ego boost to both men and that is that, you should know that and she is also boosting her own ego watching you explode over it.....
dump her and stay friends with her........... Let someone else put up with her selfish inmaturity, stop banging your head up agaisnt a brick wall....... She will show you more respct when your living with someone else anyway.......
Clear this issue up the next time ,along with any others you have and make sure the next girl is right for you before you move in and if they cross your boundaries then move them out, their are so many screw ups out their that its not your fault jsut be more carefull
Trust issues are a good thing in this world and she proves it, you trusted her to respect you and value the relationship didnt you, well she isnt and what else can you trust her with
Lay it on the line with the next one.
some people will say its ok and some will not, go out with someone who aggrees with you.............
It does not mean your crazy or mistrusting its who you are as a man, you dont want your woman with another man especialy one she has been intimate with, that is you and she needs to find a man who doesnt care doesnt she......... Not your fault
NORMAL, unless your super confident and secure and I did say SUPER........ and if it doesnt bother some then great for them, let her live with one of them......
We all have baggage and its not fair to have it thrown at you, your working through your baggage and being honest about it
Learn from this and stick her in a bag and send her off to one of these guys, and watch them run..........
some people play with your self esteem and actually find your weakness and use it against you like this little minx........
Whatever it was that got you going she would do it, their is no reason to see and x in this way it didnt work out, so why risk your new partner over an old one, doesnt make sense unless their is children and that is a different set of circumstances and those people play games believe me and need to be assessed before getting involved with them.
Find someone who can respect you bags, trust issues and all ,and forget this one, you dont deserve to be called unreasonable.
I have never had a man think it is alright for me to have male friends that were not mutual friends of the relationship, NEVER and I am old........ But I have plenty of men who wanted to stay friends.
I wouldnt even say anything to her, you have said it to her, make arrangements to leave or put her out, and you will find the peace come back into your soul and you will wonder why you ever put up with it........
Be sure and ask her out for a drink a few months down the track but never ever get involved with her........
I have had men tell me they are friends with the x and based on the fact they dont approve of me having a friendship with any of mine, they must end it because it never becomes an issue and befor long the friendship seems to fall apart and they lose contact.... the friendship with the x is not that important a friendship after all... I am happy to be friends with mine they are all willing friends........
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:17:26 AM | i have a few very close female friends and also see my ex... because trust is everything to me i would need and expect my lover to entirely accept this...
I would therefore encourage a friendship between all concerned... it would be fun for them to get together and point out and laugh at my silly failings... and then for me to only be having a sexual relationship with my lover who loved me none the less....
Your woman seems to have a very different approach to her exes... one designed to humiliate you and **** your head.... It looks like she has control issues which enable her to exploit your trust issues... seems to me that you need to go back for more counselling to confront this and find out what she really wants... | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:29:24 AM | Love me love my past mistake, mmmmmm it's not about trust, its about the right to choose your own female friends.......
How nice two women you have been with discussing your failings, OH brother
your ego needs a service, dreamers can only dream and some men can only fantasise mmmmmm two women of yours being friends talking about you together and then home for an exclusive session with your exclusive new partner, OH brother  | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:53:32 AM | Why doesn't she invite you along? Got to give her some credit for being up front and honest about it (somewhat).
Dude - you don't like it. If she doesn't stop your relationship is doomed.
You're not out of line for feeling the way you do. Perfectly natural to expect monogamy.
She doesn't care enough about your relationship to end this stuff. She knows it bothers you and she continues to do it. Is this the person you really really want? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:07:54 AM | | I would do the same as what coastgirl stated. I wouldn't go out alone with my male freinds. It goes the same for my boyfriend. It's fishy and very tempting no matter if the guy and gal is very trusting. It is not appropriate and fair to the other. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:13:51 AM | | I would do the same as what coastgirl stated. I wouldn't go out alone with my male freinds. It goes the same for my boyfriend. It's fishy and very tempting no matter if the guy and gal is very trusting. It is not appropriate and fair to the other. It has to do with respect of other's feelings . | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:35:58 AM | let me share a story..my brother has his girlfriend and he is friends with his gf's cousin..(his friend who is a girl was the one who set him up with his gf..who is also his friend's cousin)..anyway..my brother is friends with this girl who he goes to school with..they spend a lot of time together..and i've always found that strange that..they spend so much time together and they are just "friends"..anyway..one nigh she told my brother that he "likes' him if you know what i mean by that..
point is that..usually when a male and a female "friendship'..is exclusive and they do a lot of stuff together etc. one party usually likes the other in more than just a platonic way..well usually they both like each other..that is why i'm just not a big fan of people of the opposite sex have "exclusive" friendship..ESPECIALLY when one person or both of them for that matter is in a relationship..and i dont know why some peopel cant understand that it causes a lot of conflict and they just need to drop it..i am not syaing if i have a girlfriend..she cant have a male friend..BUT if she is being "exclusive" with him and spending a LOT of time with him..then there is gonna be a problem | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:55:44 AM | | danger danger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ex boyfriends turn into new lovers she still has an emotional attachment to them move on don't put yourself throurh this trust me it hurts incredibly to trust then find out to late | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 8:13:51 AM | | you right to feel the way you do.......she wants to do what she wants...expecting you to understand....but if you wanted to see another woman... that would not be ok......this sounds pretty typical of woman....in general......i mean it seems you cant even question her about it, without her getting upset and threatening to leave you over them....i had a similar situation with my ex wife.....i was afraid to say anything about her seeing her ex husband....because if i did bring it up she would tell that she will not be controlled and that if i did not like it...we could separate.......in the end not standing on my feelings about it came back to bite me..........you should call her on it .. and if she again threatens to leave and got to her ex Bf...let her go......sounds like she will only drive you crazy....stand up for yourself...because she wont....and hey .....there are plenty of fish in the sea...so whats to worry about!!!!! | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/13/2008 8:46:23 AM | I once dated a girl and she was always blowing me off and standing me up to go see her guy friends and making unbreakable plans with her girl friends. We had a fight about how she could leave me sitting at a table in a restraint for hours with not so much as a call when her "guy friend got totally drunk and needed her to hold his hand while he puked his guts out after a night of depressed binge drinking" she said that if I could not take the fact that she has friends that "need" her than I may as well walk. I was like, this is the 3rd weekend in a row you have made plans with some one else than your bf and it was getting into a nasty habit of hers of only talking to me when she wanted to. She did not like me calling her on her cell, so that was why I had to wait for her to show up for our dates.
I found out she was dating more than one guy and me at the same time, and called her on her lie's, she explained that we never said we were exclusive! She was even a little surprised when I up and left her. I was not surprised when less than a week latter she had a new bf. Who knew her a little too well for only seeing her for a week.
Weird thing is, we get along better now and even though we live in separate cities now, we spend time chatting more than ever now. She sees she has issues and should have made some better choices in her life. But I'm never going back. She had her chance and she choose the other guys over me.
OP: if she want's to go out and date her ex's, then you should do the same....you know, just as friends, nothign more, and see how she likes it. | |
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