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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:36:15 AM |
Could it also be a possible sign of someone is mature enough to be able to be around an ex and not spend all the time avoiding like a little kid avoiding a bully in gradeschool?
No.
It indicates many possible things, none flattering. It most certainly does not indicate "maturity".
This is a common rationalization, in fact a delusional defensive device of the Ego.
For example, how is it that one has the "maturity" to get along with the Ex now that you are divorced, but could not locate this mountain of maturity while you were married? How does that happen? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:17:04 AM | The question you need to ask is "Would she be OK if the tables were reversed?"
From my experience of women I would suggest the answer is a resounding no !
She could be keeping her options open with him or it could be quite innocent. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:14:38 PM |
It is perfectly natural being uncomfortable with your SO having an EX around and does not in any known scientific model represent insecurity or inmaturity., regardless of what the adherants may claim. It is not healthy, is not underwritten by any certified psychological disciplines on this planet, and is an indication of major emotional disorders.
Wow, that's a pretty extreme leap, and quite an accusation. Got any references to support that claim? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:17:28 PM |
For example, how is it that one has the "maturity" to get along with the Ex now that you are divorced, but could not locate this mountain of maturity while you were married? How does that happen?
Some people aren't compatible in such a close capacity as marriage, but may be able to maintain a healthy friendship. For me, my ex and I had long-term incompatibilities in regards to children, and to where we wanted to live. We've always gotten along fine, both our relationship and break-up were completely devoid of drama. We love each other, sure, but it's a different kind of love than it was, and our lives aren't nearly so entangled as they were.
Explain to me how this is problematic? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/14/2008 9:55:57 PM |
Wow, that's a pretty extreme leap, and quite an accusation. Got any references to support that claim?
I hold a triple doctorate in this field, I have more initials behind my name than will fit on a business card . My knowledge of this subject and the why's and where-fores is vast beyond your imagination deary, and I do not need to "cite" references to some arm-chair wanna-be. "I" am the references silly!
In civilized discourse, when discussing matters of taste or opinion, such as ones home decor, fashion, art, music, etc., personal opinions are fine. However, when discussing matter of science and professional disciplines, those of us who are professionals and credentialed in a subject do the telling, and those who are not do the listening.
You are way out of your league - please muzzle your ignorance and sit back and LISTEN and learn something. Do not argue about things you are not educated in, just listen and learn.
Or at least try. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 3:58:03 AM | I know a number of ex couples who are good friends and there is nothing wrong with their friendship. It has nothing to do with delusion, ego, or unfinished business. That is hogwash and actually if you cannot see that people can be rational and move forward and maintain a genuine friendship then you have no business pretending to be some kind of knowledgeable expert, Arwen. My limited armchair psych knowledge tells me you've got some heavy duty projection going on with some anger management issues and perhaps to understand the difference between your opinions on the matter and reality. Relationships can and do change form if both parties are able to let it grow. Parent/ child relationships mature and grow and so can romantic relationships evolve into true friendship without the romantic entanglement. We are not all ego all the time.
If more people could get to this point the world would be a better place.
No bonafide experienced counsellor of any type would argue the notion in this manner. There is no wrong or right, only what works for each individual. I hope you aren't practicing Arwen, that would be a scary thought indeed! | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 5:35:26 AM |
I hold a triple doctorate in this field, I have more initials behind my name than will fit on a business card . My knowledge of this subject and the why's and where-fores is vast beyond your imagination deary, and I do not need to "cite" references to some arm-chair wanna-be. "I" am...
The bull$hit detector went off when I read this - all credibility is gone. I have serious doubts that "Arwen" could actually be anything 'she' claims, now...  | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 6:00:21 AM | I agree.......the bull$hit is getting deep in here!
"Arwen" is just looking to advance her own feeling of self worth. And who cares what others think.....it's those involved that matter.....if the girlfriend wants to maintain a friendship with the ex-boyfriend......there are different levels of "friendship"....and I suppose the girls boyfriend would have to be ok with it......or hit the road...
Put that in your book, Arwen..... | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 6:09:05 AM | No insult intended, but you do appear to be "totally out to lunch" here........It sounds to me like something is going on with the old ex-boyfriend. She's probably doing him on the side..........
This quote of yours says it all right here, and I think leaves no doubt as to what you need to do:
She has made it clear: If I give her an ultimatum, she will chose the old boyfriends over me.
RUN, Forrest, RUN! Dump her and move on. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 6:33:32 AM | | I really don't know myself, but being a almost same situation I guess it all depends if you trust them or not, but by the sounds of it you don't. I've been on a date before now and it don't take 3 and a half hours unless something else was going on. My boyfriend is going to Michigan for a week to see on of his ex's because they have been best friends since they split up. So basically I'm in the same boat. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 7:26:55 AM | | If people have to have thier alone time with thier exs please stay out of my life i dont want anything to do with your ex he is an ex for some reason and if you cant figure it out maybe you should get back with him or her till you do. If any women i date and it has a chance of being something and she has to have hwer ex as her freind well she can flat go to hell. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 10:36:58 AM |
My boyfriend is going to Michigan for a week to see on of his ex's because they have been best friends since they split up. So basically I'm in the same boat.
Deary your b/f is cheating on you. I hope you have the backbone to have thrown his stuff out the door by the time he gets back. You should never allow a Man to disrespect you like that ( or a woman if your a man ).
There is never anything platonic in EX's closely associating. One or the other is ALWAYS looking for more, if only subconciously.
An SO is the most important thing in your life, barring pre-existing children, or should be. If a person gives more "currency" to a mere Friend, regardless of how long they have been friends, then that should tell you all you need to know.
YOU are supposed to be your B/F's best friend, and your feelings and needs should always come first before anyone else. If a b/f would choose his ex over you, for any reason, you are being played.
PLEASE have a backbone and do not let people disrespect you like this. Trust me, he is NOT in love with you if he would do such a thing. YOU desire much better than this, you deserve someone not so selfish and self-centered, and somone who thinks of YOU and your feelings first, even before his own.
If a b/f, or g/f, is disprespecting you with inappropriate behavior, and defends it by ranting about his/her RIGHTS and I WILL NOT BE CONTOLLED, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT TO DO, etc. then this person does not care for you.
Like the other poster said, RUN FORREST, RUN.
And ignore the arm-chair wannabe therapists here: they have no credentials nor education in this matter and their opinions are meaningless except as amusement!
Leave the bum.
If you like, I should be pleased to offer you my private number and talk to about this further. Pls alter your contact setting as to distance and sex so I may email you. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 11:26:04 AM |
I showed this to several associates this morning, wow what a laugh that 7 PHD's had over this! You guys are a hoot! Please, pray continue!!!!
You're showing your colleagues a dating site? At work? That sounds a little unprofessional. Which field did you say you were in, since you've failed to list your credentials?
There is never anything platonic in EX's closely associating. One or the other is ALWAYS looking for more, if only subconciously.
Again, citation? No, I'm not going to trust some random person on a dating site who claims she has credentials in "this field" (whatever field that may acually be). And surely someone with such credentials would know that we all function differently, and that there is no universal rule for how people react in a given situation!
An SO is the most important thing in your life, barring pre-existing children, or should be. If a person gives more "currency" to a mere Friend, regardless of how long they have been friends, then that should tell you all you need to know.
YOU are supposed to be your B/F's best friend, and your feelings and needs should always come first before anyone else. If a b/f would choose his ex over you, for any reason, you are being played.
Your view of relationships sounds like it's headed the direction of codependency, honestly. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 12:07:50 PM | | LOL...its funny because ever since i've joined this site i've realised why so many peopel get cheate don in relationships!. Why?..because a lot of peopel are very naive,a nd anyone who thinks its ok for their partner to have a close/exclusive relationship with an ex or someone they used to have sex with, is downright absurd!! | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 12:21:27 PM |
LOL...its funny because ever since i've joined this site i've realised why so many peopel get cheate don in relationships!. Why?..because a lot of peopel are very naive,a nd anyone who thinks its ok for their partner to have a close/exclusive relationship with an ex or someone they used to have sex with, is downright absurd!!
What is it about having had sex with someone that you think should preclude any further involvement? Why should people who shared so much cut each other out of each other's lives if they care for each other and enjoy each other's company? How about if they can do so with integrity, and honoring the commitments they each have? Do you think this would hold for friends who slept together a couple times as well?
How does asking someone to end a friendship with someone they used to date differ from asking them to end a friendship period, and do you think the latter is acceptable as well? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 12:46:50 PM | What amazes me is that any talking about it would even occur. In a REAL relationship, and not someone else's version, it is always one-on-one, not me vs. everyone a gal has banged who keeps calling.
Straight up, they can puke "mature" all they want, but my wallet says I am mature enough to put a boot right in their ass, and see if the screen door don't hit them on the way out. The question to ask is, "What is more economical, or makes more sense? Keeping a gal that is intentionally setting herself up to cheat later on, or ditching her and finding a decent one?".
It isn't acceptable, it is simply womanly BS, like men, of keeping backups in case your current one fails.
"Discusssion" of BS only leads to more BS. "Talking" about drama only obfuscates and adds more drama.
If you actually had to ask this question, then obviously, it isn't situationally right.
It isn't your job to float her entertainment bills.
People in general cheat because they are weak-minded, thin-willed retards who can't hack it in the real world, and run to the next emotional caltrop since they can't deal with their own problems.
Do me a favor, bump this one, and let her next ex-boyfriend deal with her other ex-boyfriends...........let her have her "friends", but remember that YOU don't have to deal with them. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 1:08:31 PM | Why do you think the only reason to maintain a friendship with an ex would be to cheat? If someone were truly determined to cheat, then they would do so regardless, no? Do you generally assume that women on good terms with their exes are so unethical? Personally, I date people with integrity and impulse control, and just as I expect a mature person to be able to deal maturely with my friendship with a couple exes, I will honor his with his exes as well.
I realize some may find that naive, but if I'm dating someone ethical with some shred of integrity, then I have nothing to worry about; and if not, then I'd rather have him run off with someone else and save me the trouble of figuring it out later. I'm not interested in babysitting a partner; if I can't trust him to maintain the boundaries he's agreed to, then there's already a bigger problem, and if he can't trust me, then I don't need to waste my time. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 1:20:41 PM | Exactly my dear (Namrael).
She is intentionally setting HERSELF up to cheat. Remember that little thing about "habits" and people? They are the definition of Insanity, meaning they do the same thing, over and over and over again, regardless of the consequences, with never a thought.
When you walk down a street filled with Drug Traffickers, and wonder WHY they shoot and rob you, do you really need the answer?
So, if you have a gal that is still talking to ex's, it doesn't mean she IS or WILL cheat, it only means that she IS NOT a keeper.
It isn't my job to worry about "trust", it is my job to keep showing up to the relationship and throwing something into the kitty from time to time.
I don't care whether they are or are not cheating, I DO care whether it bothers ME or not. It obviously does not bother her, so out the door she goes. It literally means he is LESS important to her than a website with ex-hacks.
Personally, I only date for an hour at a time, and I find I have much less problems than current people do with so-called "relationships" and "marriages".
That is because I took an overly complicated thing (like women, drama, and BS), and boiled it down to the simplest mathematical equation possible, with very little variables involved. In other words, you lessen the problems, the variables, you lessen the possible solutions, and risks.
If you place your trust in someone you will never know, irregardless of how much you THINK you know, then you are setting yourself up to fail. Last time I looked, every serial killer I ever heard of was always, "Just a good neighbor, never caused any problems. Don't know why he killed his family".
Some people are generally good. Not always, not eternally. If you leave the door open for crap, then that is what comes in the door. By now every male and female that exists should understand that Humans are inevitably..........screwed up. You get what you pay for. Especially when it is free. | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 1:55:17 PM | | ditch her and get someone else!! Find other females to go out with yourself as "friends". They dont like it when boot is on the other foot. In my estimation...and having this done to me so many times, she is still hanging on to these fellas in the hope more will come out of the relationships. She is not ready to settle down with one person so let her go, you will only destroy yourself. I know its hard when you care, but believe me there is someone out there that will treat you decently...and she isnt!! | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 2:15:02 PM | kingdongilingus: I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what you're saying. Can you clarify?
she is still hanging on to these fellas in the hope more will come out of the relationships.
If that's the case, why wouldn't she still be dating these people? I don't understand how you can assume she wants more than friendship from them, and why she wouldn't have gone for that already were that the case. Do you also assume this of any friends of the opposite sex a heterosexual person might have (or friends of the same sex for someone who's homosexual)? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 2:23:42 PM | | honestly, i think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. at first, i was on her side, and found nothing wrong with staying in touch with old boyfriends, but the more i read, the more it appeared , to me, that she is pushing to see how far she can push. drinks is one thing, and fast food at mickey d's is cool, but a long dinner at a nice restaurant is just a lil too much. and others are right,,,,if it is so innocent, why can't you tag along? | |
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 4:22:29 PM | I wrote:
"The bull$hit detector went off when I read this - all credibility is gone. I have serious doubts that "Arwen" could actually be anything 'she' claims, now..."
And "Arwen" responds:
{many rofl smileys}
"I can hardly breathe! Well you go ahead and believe what you want Huckleberry!
{many more rofl smileys}
You of all people should appreciate the logic that there is NEVER anything INNOCENT about an SO having contact with an EX !!!"
Wow! You ARE good! How did you know my name was Huckleberry?!?!?!?!
Gratuitous ad hominum attacks aside , I was not responding to your assertions vis a vis SO'es and ex'es, I was responding to the extremely non-professional behavior you demonstrated while insulting a fellow Forum member. *That* is what made it evident that you obviously could not be in fact the
"professional woman and scientist in Atlanta in the field of Developmental Psychology" which you claim to be.
That you also state
"Persons without social graces, manners, respect or honor are highly objectionable to me." means you must find your own self "highly objectionable" in light of the fact that this is the exact same behavior which you have so amply demonstrated here in the PoF Forum.
Or perhaps you are simply role-playing for the paper you claim to be authoring? If so, I think that the way you are conducting yourself in your 'research' would be regarded as highly UNprofessional by a jury of your peers, m'dear.
An old saying comes to mind:
Physician, heal thyself.
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| Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 4/15/2008 4:50:37 PM | | I dont think its appropriate for her to see old boyfriends,specialy if you have a major problem with it.Its not to much to ask her not to.I think she likes the reaction she gets out of you too.She kinda sounds like a bitc.h bro...... | |
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