|
|
|
|
|
| | I'm the other womenPage 13 of 14 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) | | I remember hearing someone say, I would not have cheated, but they would not leave me alone. Was there a gun or knife involved? Otherwise, we are all responsible for our own actions. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/19/2009 1:50:40 PM | ^^^^^ We are all responsible, but a little understanding goes a long way. How many times have you found yourself doing something you've vowed you would never do?
If you can go back to that place, you can understand how a woman might find herself involved with a man who is married, knowing he is married, despite having told herself she would never do such a thing.
The married man whom I was involved with lied to me about it, denied it, then when I found out vowed undying love and wouldn't leave me alone. It was a nightmare. By that time, I was already emotionally involved. It is not black and white, and for me was a very traumatic experience.
And before anyone suggests it, an Order of Protection means nothing to a person who does not respect the law. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:24:28 PM | YIKES.... not a good situation this is kinda like the married man situation... many men and women get involved with married people thinking they can do so much better for them than the spouse and that they will leave the marriage for them but in all reality the cheating spouse is using you both he or she is having their cake and eating it too and you both are just pawns to these people...if they do leave the marriage what makes you think they will not do the same to you? what makes you think you have anything different than the spouse being cheated on? how do you know you are the only other one?... the answer?... you don't have anything any different than they one they married to regardless to what you may think and chances are if you do manage to keep this person it will eventually be you he or she cheats on... do you really want to waste your life on this kind of charade?
Do yourself a favor cut this off get your self respect back and move onto greener pastures respect yourself enough to want more out of life than being second place. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:47:57 PM | | Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. No strings attached, no headaches, no expectations of your whereabouts. BUT, it doesn't lead to anything so you bore of it. | |
|
Wiyan
| | Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 305 | |
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/20/2009 11:32:47 PM | | If he's doing that to her, the time will come when he also does it to you. Don't fool yourself into believing he won't bc he 'likes you better'. He has shown you the depth and sanctity of both his 'commitments', his regard for a woman's feelings, and his word. Would you ever be able to trust that he wasn't doing the same to you?? | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:08:56 AM | Maybe sometimes the married person who is looking for that new relationship is honest. All he or she is offering is a fun time with no strings and it is up to the new partner to decide if this is acceptable to them or not. The real problem comes when someone expects more than is available in that new relationship.
Is the spouse responsible for their straying partner? No, but they share the responsibility for the ineffective relationship that is at the root of the straying. Most people in a healthy relationship do not look for someone outside of that relationship. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 8:42:45 AM |
So a man and wife are in a relationship, and one partner strays, and you don't think it's worthy for the wife to look at her relationship, to see if she checked out, to see if there is anything in her behavior that could have made her husband feel unloved, unworthy, shut out -- anything?
Certainly the wife can be responsible, her part, in the problems in a marriage. Of course take responsibilty for problems in the marriage. But she is not responsible for the cheating. No matter how bad things are in a marriage, having an affair is only the responsibility of the person who has the affair, husband or wife. If you have marriage problems you try to solve them; if you can't solve them, you get a divorce.
With all due respect, I just think this is a ridiculous notion. The married man is usually lying
The scenario the OP described shows that she knows the guy is married. The man may lie about the exact problems in his marriage though the woman knows he's married. Some women excuse their getting involved with a married man because he says his wife is horrible, etc. He may lie about not being able to get a divorce. He may lie about a lot of things, while the woman still knows he's married. And she consents to an affair anyway. She is responsible for her behavior, wrong behavior in my opinion, in having an affair with a married man, despite all the things he says. Now, if he lies about being married, says he's single, not separated but single, and he is able to be believeable (though usually there are all kinds of red flags to alert you to the fact he is lying), then, no: a woman who has been truly tricked into an affair is of course not responsible. However, I think many woman allow themselves to be deceived because the want to be with the man and they want to believe his lies.
You are right: I am a cold hearted person....I have absolutely no sympathy for a woman who gets involved with a married man, or a man who is seriously involved with another woman: living with her, engaged, long term relationship, etc. No sympathy whatever. So shoot me. | |
|
| |
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 10:13:53 AM | OLDKID: Is the spouse responsible for their straying partner? No, but they share the responsibility for the ineffective relationship that is at the root of the straying. Most people in a healthy relationship do not look for someone outside of that relationship.
Absolutely. Many women/men watch their partners live lives of abject misery and totally ignore it then act all surpise when the person looks for happiness elsewhere. The thought of looking within is intolerable so they do what they've always done -- they blame blame blame any and everyone they can and play victim.
ISMENE1: However, I think many woman allow themselves to be deceived because the want to be with the man and they want to believe his lies.
True enough, women in many different types of relationships do this, to my dismay. Yet, in other types of relationships we give them a wealth of sympathy and good advice. But when they are involved on the wrong side of a love triangle many women want them drawn and quartered. It's not fair.
You are right: I am a cold hearted person....I have absolutely no sympathy for a woman who gets involved with a married man, or a man who is seriously involved with another woman: living with her, engaged, long term relationship, etc. No sympathy whatever. So shoot me.
I don't have to shoot you. You're doing it to yourself. When we are completely judgmental and closed off to an experience God, life, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has a way of bringing forth the very circumstances we need to learn to empathize, to understand, to grow in consciousness.
I myself held your views until I found myself in the situation I described, face to face with a woman whom, like yourself, had absolutely no sympathy for me. She knew her husband was a lying, snake in the grass, she even told me "X is a lying piece of trash. He is a user and a manipulator and he will use you until you are used up" but still in her eyes I was wrong, wrong wrong and deserving of whatever horror she had thought up for me. She didn't care that I had young children. She didn't see me as a human being with feelings. She saw me as an adversary. He was HER piece of trash, and she didn't want to share.
She thought I wanted him. She'd lived so long in misery, accepting his bad treatment that she thought I wanted that for myself, too. The truth: I was trying desperately to get away from him.
However, I understood her position well !!! I had come face to face with my mirror.
And I changed. It was a blessing.
Here's hoping such change comes to you.  | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 11:49:24 AM | don't have to shoot you. You're doing it to yourself. When we are completely judgmental and closed off to an experience God, life, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has a way of bringing forth the very circumstances we need to learn to empathize, to understand, to grow in consciousness.
It is not being judgemental. Have you ever been the woman whose husband/partner cheated on? You are the one who is being judgemental. If I don't think the way you do I am a bad person? If I don't accept and sympathize with people who are selfish and cruel to someone by having an affair, then I'm a bad person ? I was with, twice in my life, when I was much younger, I was in serious long term relationships with men who cheated. Did I bring it upon myself by not realize there was something wrong with the relationship? Well, only in being stupid enough to get involved in the first place because they were both men who had a history of cheating on their SO, but I didn't know that. By being 'blinded' by love to the point that I let it go the first time, then the second, and so on until I'd had enough.
To say that a person who isn't sympathetic toward the cruel behavior of others is completely judgemental is ridiculous. I need to 'grow and understand'? I have grown and understood and I understand that neither one of the people in an affair is doing something worth sympathizing with: out of their own selfishness & childish desire to satisfy their own wants and desire, they do whatever they want to do without regard for the pain the cause someone else. Of course I don't sympathize with that. You sound like someone who has been the other woman and is incapable of taking responsibility for her behavior. Then you expect others to be understanding and sympathize with what you have done, with your failure to be an ethical and mature human being. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 11:55:49 AM | Should you stop ?
Yes and here is why?
Why should be number #2 in someone's life when you could be number#1
Not to mention if you had to put it down on paper you must be feeling guilty | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:10:24 PM |
I know I should call it off.
Can anyone help me?
The answer is contained within the original question....and as for your last question: No one can help you. You have to do it yourself. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:14:17 PM | Ismene, you are speaking through your hurt.
I'm sorry you were betrayed and cheated on. And yes, I have been cheated on. I have been on both sides of the coin.
Look at what I wrote. When did I say you were a bad person?
IMO, you do need to grow and understand. Holding onto such negative feelings does not hurt anyone but yourself.
When we label people we don't define them, we just define ourselves as people who need to label others.
I have grown and understood and I understand that neither one of the people in an affair is doing something worth sympathizing with: out of their own selfishness & childish desire to satisfy their own wants and desire, they do whatever they want to do without regard for the pain the cause someone else
Have you ever been selfish?
Have you ever acted immaturely?
Have you ever done something you regret?
Do YOU deserve sympathy?
Was it that black and white, or were there many reasons for your behavior. Even though you accept responsibility, don't you want someone to understand you?
That is why you wrote about your long term relationships with men who cheated. You want to be understood. We all do.
ON EDIT: Since their putting up the post limits to avoid a flame war. Look at your posts and read them SLOWLY -- there's only one person preaching, calling names and it seems, angry.
I suppose you have always been moral, ethical and perfect. NOT!!!! LOL!!!!
Time means nothing. Just because this happened 20 years ago doesn't mean you're not holding on to it. Remember, you brought it up. If it meant nothing, you wouldn't have mentioned it.
Whether you grow or not is up to you. It's no skin off of my nose. Your choice. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:21:08 PM |
Ismene, you are speaking through your hurt. That is such absolute BS. Those situations were more than 20 years ago. Honey, I do not need to grow and understand. I am not holding on to negative feelings. People need to be ethical. They need to take responsibility for their behavior. You thinking is simplistic and immature. There is no excuse for a mature, ethical, thoughtful adult who is self controled and responsible to have an affair. Those who do are immature, selfish and childish. It is absolutely ludicrous for you to suggest my disagreement with amoral behavior shows some kind of weakess. My god the way you preach to me is ludicrous as well....saying I define myself by labeling others. Don't be patronizing with me. If in your world accepting and understanding people having affairs is what is done, well that is your world. I expect people to have better characters. I am not planning on stringing them up in the town square or making them wear big red A's, but I do not accept there is any excuse for it. Nonsense. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:21:20 PM | Ismene, you are speaking through your hurt. That is such absolute BS. Those situations were more than 20 years ago. Honey, I do not need to grow and understand. I am not holding on to negative feelings. People need to be ethical. They need to take responsibility for their behavior. Your thinking is simplistic and immature. Children learn, are socialized to understand that their behavior impacts on others and that they need to take responsibility for their own behavior. There is no excuse for a mature, ethical, thoughtful adult who is self controled and responsible to have an affair. Those who do are immature, selfish and childish. It is absolutely ludicrous for you to suggest my disagreement with amoral behavior shows some kind of weakess. My god the way you preach to me is ludicrous as well....saying I define myself by labeling others. Don't be patronizing with me. If in your world accepting and understanding people having affairs is what is done, well that is your world. I expect people to have better characters. I am not planning on stringing them up in the town square or making them wear big red A's, but I do not accept there is any excuse for it. Nonsense. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:28:56 PM | I was the other woman, even though they were/are divorced. He's living the fantasy that she regrets divorcing him. That she's dropping clues to others she wants him back. That she needs to change her bad attitude, but he'd be by her side in a heart beat. I know the pain of divorce is still fresh and painful for him. I think he's degrading the women on this site by grabbing w/e female tail he can get a hold of. They've been final for a yr now. He tells me her pic is usually next to mine when he checks the dating sites. I think "wtf"? He's upset she's on the sites, but has no issue with me being on them.
THERE'S a CLUE.
He's done with me. He's moved on to a Rockford woman. Oh, there's a Holland woman too (she's platonic, so he says...)
sure.
Just my opinion...but I think it's very unwise to date someone freshly divorced unless you are also. Misery loves company.
 | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 1:16:17 PM | Right on!
Here's 5 and 6...
5)you stay with him - he dumps his girlfriend and dates you - then cheats on you and could bring you a STD. (Sharing is not always caring)
6)you stay with him - he never dumps his girlfriend - girlfriend finds out about you and comes after you. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 2:41:20 PM | well, let's see. There is this guy that is head over heels for me, at one point I do believe he was actually in love with me. He tried getting in other relationships and even at one point thought it was getting really serious. Well the girl detected that he was off one day, didn;t understand why he didn't seem to like her etc. He told her he couldn't give his heart to her because it still belonged to someone else. She told him to get lost and he called me at like 2:45 AM to tell me all of this and was really upset. (We are still very close like best friends). He has another girlfriend now and I asked him last night if he missed me and he said he always would....
point of the story being the other woman could be hell or be a blessing. I consider myself truly blessed to have know this guy and to have had him care about me. If he really loves this girl then you are in for heartbreak. If she finds out about you she'll be crushed. it is never good for a guy to be double dating and what is to say that if he did choose you over her that he wouldn't be seeing another woman with you??? just something to think about | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 2:55:05 PM | | I don't think you're a horrible person or your situation is that bad. Sometimes we just get ourselves in situations whether knowinglyy or unknowingly and it seems impossible to get out especially when feelings get involved. I've been the other man a few times and in each relationship it was extremely hard for me to get out because we would become emotionally and physically entangled. Sometimes we know it's wrong but the relationship feels so good we don't want to let go. From my experience just cut off all contact and you will have to be harsh and self preservational in order to get out of relationships where you're the secret third party. The pain will be really hard to deal with at first but it will subside over time and you will move on and meet new people. I hope this helps. I wish you the best and God bless. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:17:10 PM | | ^^^^^ Well said . . . IMO, I think it takes nothing to condemn but a lot to be understanding. | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/21/2009 10:12:18 PM | | I was in your exact situation when I was 18. Fresh into college, met a senior year guy. Fell head over heals, and "dated" him while he had a girlfriend. He finally got her to break up with him. We ended up dating for four years. Looking back, he's probably one of the most selfish guys I ever met. Learned a lot from that situation and know now I would never let myself be in a dishonest relationship again. You're young, have fun and that doesn't include men who cheat on their girlfriends. Go meet someone who will treat you like how you should be treated! | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/22/2009 3:51:39 AM | | If he can cheat on his girlfriend he will do it to you | |
|
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/22/2009 3:58:24 AM | How is this not an attention/pity seeking thread???
You people are hopelessly moronic if you think this topic deserves 13 pages... | |
|
Rusteh
| | Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 324 | |
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/22/2009 4:01:22 AM |
How is this not an attention/pity seeking thread???
You people are hopelessly moronic if you think this topic deserves 13 pages...
your just adding fuel to the fire by rebumping it <3
and i that note
BUMP lawl. COMMON 14! | |
|
hext
| | Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 325 | |
| I'm the other women
Posted: 1/22/2009 4:18:26 AM | | It's gonna work like a submarine screen door. Call it quits soon before you ruin your own heart. | |
|
|
|
|
Page
13
of
14 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
|
|
Home
login 
