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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:18:21 AM |
wow, times have changed. maybe this applied way back when..like when we were cavemen...but males aren't like this anymore...the females have stepped up and worked and provided and in return we expect a little more from the males like love and compassion...(maybe we're evolving more than males) if males today provided like cavemen and cared and nurtured and hunted to feed their families, then maybe their woman would be more aggressive and respectful...but when a woman has to do it all....wow! you better be a really awesome caveman!!! | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/24/2008 4:54:12 AM | Feelings and emotions come from the heart and can tell you the state of your relationship can tell you if things are going well or if there is a problem.
Always assume you are acting in your self interest and know what you expect to get for what you give.
People that are called "narcissist" can not relate to your feelings and emotions!
Narcissist are incapable of seeing their fellow humans as having wants,needs,talents,and desires of their own.
Need less to say ,that this lack of empathy is the source of untold amounts of pain to the people that love them.
I would not date a narcissist because they are emotional vampires!
Transylvanian-Princess | |
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ddsk
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 29 | |
| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:22:15 AM | Hi boys and girls ...
Age and experience has taught me a simple lesson:
Women don't want a "sensitive" man in touch with his feelings. They want a man who is "sensitive" to their feelings.
When I've dropped my guard and expressed my inner-most feelings to a lover, wife or girlfriend, it has often seemed to confuse women. They don't know how to handle a man who expresses what's inside him---his feelings---even if they say they want him to.
This may explain why some women are so comfortable having gay male friends. They can allow them to open up emotionally because they're not "love" connected and they view and hear it entirely differently.
I don't consider it a negative anymore. Most of the media crapola about reltionships and this topic miss it entirely. But it has been a painful lesson in the past.
b | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:46:03 AM | I agree with AppleGeek, some people have gotton off the subject somewhat with some negative bashing of the other sex. And I think that very reason is why the divorce rate is so high! One man wrote how maybe men don't talk too little and in fact that maybe women talk too much. This statement says to me that the man is right and that the woman is wrong. This is not the case at all! I had to do a research paper for one of my classes awhile back on the differing communications styles of men & women. They are so different in their approaches and some of that has to do with their upbringing and the morals & values (or lack of, that their parents displayed to them or taught them). For example, men are suppose to be tough & not sensitive and not cry or they are called "sissies". I think that this is a mistake , because I find sensitivity to be a good quality in a man, but I have rarely found it in my male relationships. Also men are more blunt & direct and to the point and woman (being nurturers) are more soft-spoken and tend to care about others feelings & have a tendency to be more careful in our words to one another. When men comment to a woman on a certain subject & the woman neither objects or agrees with him, but says very little-the man automatically tend to just assume that she agrees with him, when in fact she isn't voicing her opinion one way or the other. I could go on & on, (I don't want to get accused of talking too much! Ha!), but the point is no one sex (man or woman) is right or wrong)-they're just different and if we're ever going to get along in male/female relationships we ought to quit the bashing and learn to understand & communicate effectively with one another. In order for this to happen, both men & woman have to put forth the "real effort" to really understand one another. Just my two cents.  | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:14:43 PM |
Women don't want a "sensitive" man in touch with his feelings. They want a man who is "sensitive" to their feelings.
You hit the nail directly on the head, ddsk. Not only that, but we don't care about our feelings all that much either.
Relationships work much better, also, when men and women understand that women are all about expressing their feelings and men are all about not expressing them. Men deal with feelings by not bothering with them. We feel 'em and forget 'em.
We don't need to spend our time emoting. In fact, it moves us out of our male minds and emasculates us, when we do emote.
We specialize in being sensitive to women's feelings, when we are loving them in the way they want to be loved. And, fortunately, that's just how we want to love them.
As problem solvers, we are doing what we were created to do, by being sensitive to their feelings.
A smart woman will find you to be "just what the doctor ordered", if you practice what you preach, ddsk. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:40:49 PM | I stand corrected, Ace of Space. You ARE dumb.
Just because men only use 200 words doesn't mean they can't express their feelings verbally. And believe it or not, many actually do it. [I'll just leave the goading "women freak out" part out there in the ether.]
My take on why more men don't express their feelings verbally is that they are afraid of the vulnerability that comes from it--afraid they may get laughed at, scorned, hurt, rejected, or WORST OF ALL, fully acepted and loved. Then the woman will have all this power (the power of love) to wield over their heads.
You know, it is very interesting to come back later and reread a thread like this.
Though I tried to "make nice" after reading this, on the whole I'd have to say that CassaGo proved my point. I said something she didn't like hearing, and she responded with scorn.
Clue: If you want to find out how men feel, you're going to have to get past the wall of suspicion that our upbringing has so carefully constructed. Would I tell CassaGo my innermost feelings? Probably not. The promise of love is a wonderful carrot. But the stick of scorn is the first thing she applied when she didn't like my answer.
So, you either want to know, or you don't. My guess is that when it comes right down to it, most women really don't. Our life experience is different than yours. You really can't relate to it all that well. Unless you're willing to undergo the transformation required to deal with life as it is for us, you have no call to demand that we undergo the tranformation it would take to articulate our feelings about it for you.
Accept our reticence or figure out how to lose the stick. It's really that simple. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:18:28 PM | Frankly, I love when a man trusts me with his innermost feelings & it doesn't emasculate him at all. However, I don't function in the world the way most people do either; especially regarding the inner life of humanity. It allows for levels of relating that go beyond the average to a far higher range. It's when my guy (when I have one) is able to open emotionally with me, it feels like my heart melts into his in a unifying manner. Far from seeing this man as a wuss, I consider it to be profoundly courageous and a sign of great trust in the relationship. Great relationships are built on a solid foundation of trust, IMHO.
Of the men who have been willing to come out & discuss this subject so openly, I give my salute! You have my respect. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:29:17 PM | There has to be balance, this is one of those topics that women don't know what they are asking for until they get it. When they get it they are no longer attracted because now they have a sniveling wuss on their hands.
Men have to realize that sharing your feelings with a woman has to be put in balance with other emotions. Sharing every once in a while actually is for their benefit not yours. It makes them feel wanted and needed and gives them the warm and fuzzies that you trust them. But if you come back and do it again the next night, forget about it.
Women have to realize that men have different ways of dealing with emotions than women do. Just because you vent, release, dump, talk on end about them doesn't mean men do the same thing. We may talk about it once in a while but that is because we may need perspective that we can not get. We don't release the emotions the same way you do. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:33:59 PM |
My take on why more men don't express their feelings verbally is that they are afraid of the vulnerability that comes from it--afraid they may get laughed at, scorned, hurt, rejected, or WORST OF ALL, fully acepted and loved.
Scorned and laughed at.
Which is exactly what you just did to him when he said what he was thinking...and your reply was:
I stand corrected, Ace of Space. You ARE dumb.
...and women wonder why we don't talk about our feelings?
Prime example. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:53:40 PM |
and women wonder why we don't talk about our feelings?
Prime example.
Actually, for once I'll agree with you, just cause, you know...I'm in a good mood.. 
Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but I don't think the OP was totally wrong.
I'm a deep thinker, very passionate in my beliefs, and most times I feel the need to say whats on my mind. I used to expect my partner to be the same...
It took me a long time to figure out that not everyone deals with things in the same way. I've found that its best to stay away from that dreaded question..
"what are you thinking"
Eventually, when the time is right, he'll probably let you know whats on his mind, but I truly believe there has to be some really important factors in place before that can happen..
trust, respect, and love...I really believe when a man feels that with a partner, he wouldn't have a problem sharing..JMO | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:46:21 AM |
trust, respect, and love...I really believe when a man feels that with a partner, he wouldn't have a problem sharing..JMO
More likely, when he feels those things with you he'll spare you the gory details and just hold you lovingly.
Again, the expectation that the quality of your love will transform him is a myth.
The quality of your love might transform you, and seeing the transformation in you might inspire him to transform himself. But, until you become willing to face the utter barrenness of the male experience, you have no idea what you ask of men when you ask us to bare our souls to you.
We will test your willingness, and when that triggers your scorn, we will know that you aren't really there for us--much as you'd like to think that you are. You believe you are because that's what you've been raised to think--and you also think that we're just too dumb to see it. But we're not.
For us, it's like being dropped in the middle of the Mojave Desert, alone, without a hat. Off in the distance you hear someone call--come to me and I'll help you. But the distance is too far for us to cross by ourselves and survive. Until someone is ready to meet us half way, we're better off staying put and conserving what little water we have. And we know it.
In order to get to us you will just have to endure the desert yourself, and why would you go out of your way to do that when you really should't have to?
We shouldn't either, but there we are. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:14:20 AM | To the OP, I have this to say.
I am one of those men who expresses his feelings very well and effectively. I don't have a problem telling a woman what I feel, think, want or need. It just requires some maturity and good planning sometimes. The tongue is a dangerous tool and I don't always say things I should say when I'm expressing my feelings, good or bad. To men who don't express their feelings I can understand why on some levels. With my last woman I couldn't really always express what I thought or felt because I feared retaliation from her family (she was close to them so I knew she'd say something) or because I thought that what I had to say wasn't very important to her. So I just kept my mouth shut.
If I'm mad I won't talk because I'll just say alot of things that'll hurt feelings. But overall I can express myself quite easily even though I've been duped, played and hurt alot!  | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:24:36 PM | | Woah! Who have you been with? Sounds like you have not found your princess! Your soulmate will not judge so harshly. What ever happened to the old saying..."Treat others as you wish to be treated?" Speak.....let it out and the "right" person will hear you! Communication is the one of the essential elements in a relationship. Trust being number one, can't happen without communication! Let loose, open up and find your princess! | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:48:58 PM | Or maybeeeeee....we just don't care to express our feelings ?
We males are pretty basic where emotions are concerned. If Jim-Bob's team just won the world series, you know why he's happy. If Gary's dog just got turned into a pancake by a two-mile-wide meteorite, we know why he's sad. When Sally comes in to work, says she's sad but doesn't know why, ....well okay. Now what ? The idea that we should simply provide her with a shoulder to cry on is not the first thing that comes to a man's mind. That makes no sense to the average, linear-thinking male. For us it's "There's the problem. Here's the solution." Questions that have no answers are a waste of time to men. Even if we did know what to do for Sally, we don't see the point. Sure, we'll do it. Sure, we'll offer that shoulder to cry on. As soon as something more interesting or pressing comes along though....well, good luck Sally.
Hey, we care, don't think that we don't. We just don't 'get' emotions the same way women do. I don't anyway and most of the men I know don't either.
Anyway, emotions simply don't hold any particular fascination to the average man. He feels good , so great. He feels sad ? That's crappy. For most of us, we're content to simply feel the emotion, not question it. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:17:37 AM | | ^^^^^well said pulse.now i am a man that tends to understand the feeling of women for some reason.heres the thing though,i understand...i dont feel them.i just spent an inordinate amount of time working with and being friends with female,in which case i put a great amount of effort to understand how they reacted in certain situations.now that i am married i find that my wife shows me the beauty in feeling i only had an understanding of.i doubt however that i will ever feel as acutely as she does. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:49:29 AM |
I'm curious.
Why is the goal to make men talk more?
Why isn't it to make women talk less?
Why isn't that even a discussed option?
Interesting bias.
Where's the "equality" in this equation?
From what I gather from this and other things around here, the goal seems to be to make men be women! Kind of interesting that this was posted by a man. There's some equality for you, lol
Both men and women feel emotions and frankly, I don't believe we feel them differently. Just because women analyze things to death (generally) doesn't mean they feel things more intensely. In fact, talking about your feelings so much might even make a person less aware if they are even feeling them. Why not just feel what you feel?
If a guy was to go on and on about his or my feelings, I think I would be annoyed. A little bit now and then is when it is special. He says he's happy? Great! He says I make him happy? Woohoo! | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:37:47 PM | Oh, "Im sorry, Im jus too emotional to express myself"...My feelings...
What is the point (OP)...Your a guy, "Whats the problem"?...I express myself to that sweet little woman thats involved in my life...No problem...Im not going to turn my emotions into dramaville...
Dumb thread...What is the dang point...OOOOO, BOO,HOOO....Im crying..  | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:04:03 PM | ^^ Who knows what the point was but it's a pretty good read....
I posted my reply without reading any of the other responses. I just now decided to read it and came across msg 42. Brilliant! (I was going to quote parts of it but I would have had to quote the whole thing)
Msg 42 is the answer to the opening question.
OE: Okay, so I just have to quote what I like best about this post.
Again, the expectation that the quality of your love will transform him is a myth.
The quality of your love might transform you, and seeing the transformation in you might inspire him to transform himself. But, until you become willing to face the utter barrenness of the male experience, you have no idea what you ask of men when you ask us to bare our souls to you.
We will test your willingness, and when that triggers your scorn, we will know that you aren't really there for us--much as you'd like to think that you are. You believe you are because that's what you've been raised to think--and you also think that we're just too dumb to see it. But we're not.
Men are definitely not dumb. I know this. Quieter about things maybe, but not dumb. I think that's a well kept secret that only smart chicks know :)
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:54:55 PM | Because a guy could be worried about being friendzoned for being too "sensative" or called a whiner, etc.
Men tend to withdraw into their 'cave' to try work things out on their own, can be quite hard for a man to ask for help whereas women tend to be more social and vent their frustrations to friends alot more.
Does a man open up to friends which might lower his attraction with the girls, or does it weed out those who can't handle a guy in touch with his feelings. | |
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| Why men don't talk about their feelings (an explanation, warning, it's a long one)
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:20:30 PM | I don't know whether it's hard-wired or beaten into us, or the percentages if it's a mix of both, but by the time we're 4 years old it's pretty much ingrained.
Please do what you can to increase the freedom of emotional expression for your sons. They will thank you and so will the women in their lives. | |
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