| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:49:33 PM |
Unfortunately, in the dating world, "no response" is more the norm than the exception. I've come to understand that NO RESPONSE = NOT INTERESTED and not to take it personally.
I too, have learned this. Let's see how well I do the NEXT time! But now I am armed, hehe...
Thanks! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:44:28 PM | | I didn't have the patience to read the whole thread, so sorry if it's been said. I just wanted to say that maybe it wasn't a pity kiss. Maybe he wanted to kiss you when you suggested it, and he even enjoyed it. Maybe it didn't occur to him that a second date wasn't a good idea later on. I know it sounds weird, but it's really easy to get caught up in the moment, especially when you know the other person is digging you. Sometimes guys think a second date means a lot more, so they don't do it unless they're really prepared to dive in. Especially if a girl is giving in any signs of being clingy - they don't want to break someone's heart by leading them on more, if they're not really feeling it. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:56:10 PM |
He still left me hanging though because he never mentioned about anything more. Should I take this as a hint? Probably...but why beat around the bush? Just be honest!!
Sounds like my first POF date. Hanging in the wind.
The cold hard truth? Some people don't say they don't like you because they don't think like you and me -- they aren't looking for "the one" but rather what they can get. So form them it's a game of greed, basically.
Some are just too passive and weak willed.
But back to the greedy folks... These people will string people along and hurt their feelings in the process because the other person never mattered to them since day one. It's all about self-gratification for them.
If they don't respect you then they don't respect themselves. Better to find that out early and find someone who has more your own values and morals (and whom you will probably be able to "read" easier) than to get deeply involved with some one like this. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:16:39 AM | The issue here is keeping your dignity after you've been rejected with non-communication.
I agree. Internet dating is a crapshoot. Some people can become very picky and lose interest in a person because of something very minor. Some people will lose interest if there isn't earthshattering chemistry on the first date. Some people will form a perceived image of the other person based on a few photos, email / phone chats, and the profile. If the real image of the other person is different ( not necessary bad ) than the perceived image, then they will lose interest. Internet dating can be like shopping to some people. They will go to a store with no intention of buying something and they are just looking to see what items are in the store. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:45:22 AM | | I could not have said it better, except to add that honesty seems to be rare here at times, when people know they are not seeking anythingbut casual dating or intimate encounter and they lie and say they want a long term relationship or to get married. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:12:14 AM |
Oh, I still have my diginity! I think that after spending the time wondering and writing about this certain situation has allowed me to *get over it* so much easier than if I was just waiting a week with no response without talking about it.
I'm not trying to beat you up here, but I do not feel you still have your dignity. Emailing him that last time seemed, like someone else put it, desperate and needy. I know you wanted him to know how you felt, but I don't think that's going to change how he does things in the future. The only thing that will make someone go from incommunicado to being forthright is to have someone they like do it to them. He was probably a little taken aback by your email and may have even found it offensive. And what was the point really? It probably felt good to get it off your chest, but after you sent it, didn't you feel a doing a retraction? I am not even sure what the term is I'm looking for here, but it seems a little controlling. I used to have a friend who would say what was on her mind all the time even if it hurt others' feelings. I told her that just because something is true, doesn't mean you have to say it. I'm not defending the guy, I agree it's nice to have honesty. But what was the point of the last email? I don't think it accomplished much and now he thinks you're wack. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:40:36 AM | | OP I think the kiss might have been a little too forward for this guy. I'm not saying what you did was wrong, it would be great for some men, but not all men. | |
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pbmac3
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Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 83 | |
| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:18:50 AM | C'mon folks, you're missing the forest!
Guy and Gal meet on internet.
They chat and make plans for a date. Both are excited as their "premeet" conversations are great.
Upon meeting, guy decides he has not met Ms. Right.....but she could be Ms. Right now.
They have a few drinks and the sexual innuendos are flying.
He makes a few suggestions that are not met with desired result of bedding her this evening, so he offers another drink to "prime the pump"...if you will.
Again, there is lots of flirting (of the sexual nature, not of the "deep into your eyes" or dreamy variety). To no avail, the deal cannot be closed.
Once outside, there is an offer of a kiss......from her.
Hold the phone! Maybe there is a chance for some first date fun.....
While kissing, he makes it perfectly clear that certain body parts are interested.
Again, he gets the Heisman (sorry, football reference for "stop")
He says good night and calls her immediately upon getting in the car. Not because he has met the woman of his dreams, but because he is hoping for an offer of a nightcap at her place.
The nightcap offer did not happen.
He responds to her communication the next day.....probably because he wants to keep her "in the mix", but maybe because he actually liked her and thought they could be friends.
After a day or so to think about everything, he realizes that he has no interest in her other than the conquest variety, and decides not to call/return her calls.
People say they want honesty, but what they really want is to not have to "wonder".
Well, if they have not called in 3 days, there is no need to wonder---> they are not into you!! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:32:40 AM | The Pitty Kiss - what a crock of sh!t
Kiss someone you really want to kiss - otherwise shake hands, give a hug or do nothing. We are adults, act like one.
I believe that what 2 consenting adults do is between them. Each person must decide for themselves and do what makes them feel comfortable within themselves. Men and women respond very well to communication if they cant read each others signals.
I was out with one man and when he walked me to the door, I invited him in as we were in the middle of a chat. We stood inside my foyer talking and then he said that he should go and once again I thanked him for the lovely evening and gave him a hug. I mentioned that I gave him a hug because I wasnt able to pick up any signals and didnt want to imply something that might not be there. He looked at me, smiled and said couldnt read my signals right? I replied yes, nodding my head and he grabbed me and gave me a wonderful kiss - memorable. Unfortunately we didnt have enough lifestyle similarilities to continue. But, communication does work. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:48:07 AM |
Well, if they have not called in 3 days, there is no need to wonder---> they are not into you!!
Gee, thanks!!! I think I have finally seen the light!!!
Seriously though, I understand where you are coming from. I am not fretting over the fact that he is not interested in me. Let's face it, like I have said before I know I am not everyone's 'cup of tea'. My MAIN point in all of this was I thought that it was a little tacky that he did not just say so. SOME folks are fine with assumptions, I happen to not like to have to. Plain and simple. In the past, I have not had some sort of physical anything with someone and not at least gotten a note or call or something. So what if I intiated it? I would not have done so if I did not feel like it was warranted. I am not usually so forward. If he didnt want to than sure..it wouldve hurt my ego a little but at least I would have known from that point on where I stood. You are right, I DONT like to be left wondering...some could care less. My point NOW is why should I HAVE to be left wondering?
It all boils down to the fact that we dont all agree on what we should or shouldn't think/assume/wonder about. And if making contact with him after a week of not hearing from him ,after he played into my interest at the time of our date, makes me look like a 'whack job" or 'psycho'..then so be it. I just chalk it up to letting him know that I thought it was kind of inconsiderate. Maybe he did not feel that way but at that point, I really didnt care what he was feeling or how he felt about me. I have NO regrets writing that note to him. Why should I??
He probably WONT change but by the same token, perhaps the next date he goes on where the same things start to happen, he will think twice about some things and react differently. Then again, maybe not.
At this point, I dont even care...truly. I said my piece and he can either let it go in one ear and out the other or use it as advice. I mean c'mon. Guys always ask what we women are thinking....... | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 12:20:36 PM | the thing is everyone is different I have kissed people just to see if I felt anything or was attracted..sometimes I wasn't but as they say a kiss is still a kiss...
you don't always know if you are into someone not on a first date
let's face it there is no good way to tell someone to get lost some people want to be told others don't
All and all if he is not responding that is your aswer
I tend to judge by actions instead of words because words can be altered and munipulated to ones own perspective.....or suit ones needs | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 4:44:55 PM | i'm not speaking for all the guys, but *some* think a kiss is just a kiss. if *you* ask for the kiss, they'll give it. it might be unmanly to turn down a kiss. i know a lot of guys who will not break-up with the girl. they will be a continuous ass just so that the girl will break up with them already. maybe he's just ignoring you as his form of light rejection. after all, you couldn't read him right?
as for me, that's something i would do (minus the kiss). i would even say "i had a great time" with the guy, and laugh at all his jokes, just for the sake of being polite, or letting him feel good about the night. i pretty much don't care. i know it's wrong cuz it's misleading, but i'd rather him enjoy the moment at the time. besides, i can always ignore him later on. yes, i know it was extremely immature, but...meh. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/26/2008 10:03:31 PM |
My point NOW is why should I HAVE to be left wondering?
reread what I said and pbmac3. I think that is dead on the money for your situation. Learn to notice it for the future.
You shouldn't have to be left wondering, it's unfair, undignified and unless it's some kind of mistake or mixup it borders on emotional cruelty. Sorry for your experience. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:38:31 PM | Oh, I have TOTALLY learned my lesson!
A lesson to you men though....dont act like you are interested if you really are NOT! Some of us women read a lot into your actions. If you are not interested (even if I ask for a kiss), DO NOT accept! It may suck for the time being....you may not want to hurt my feelings or whatever. But it's gonna be a LOT easier for me to get over it then, after that moment...then to wonder for the next week or two or three (if I have the patience to wait and wonder that long, lol.)If you are not interested in pursuing anything beyond that one date, just be honest! Cuz then I can move on from that point on no matter HOW much it may suck. If you leave me hanging, then you are gonna have to deal with my questions after a week has gone by. Sure, a no response will eventually give me a clue, but chances are, it's gonna leave a bad taste in my mouth where YOU are concerned. And who knows who I may meet in the future...if its a gal you are interested in seeing, wouldn't you rather I have nothing bad to say or nothing at all rather than BEWARE!!!!......? At least I know that is how I would want to be perceived if the tables were turned!
Of my soapbox AGAIN, lol. Just MHO!!
Sheri | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/13/2008 3:50:44 PM | What brought that on after 2 weeks, did you email him again, OP?
Happy Valentine's day to all...I hope we all get a kiss, whether the other person wants one or not. lol | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:32:49 PM | Hey Sheri,
Well...I'm with you. Same kind of thing is currently happening to me. Met a guy last December who comes to my city regularly on business. Lots of wonderful correspondence for a couple of months. Last trip, two weeks ago, we spent 3 of his 4 evenings here together, dining, talking, both marvelling at how easily things flowed between us. He was supposed to be back this week, said he would make reservations for dinner for V Day...and now not a word since last Friday. Nothing. Sent an email yesterday, asking what was up...no response.
I was so, so happy to have met someone with whom I felt a real connection...and now I am hurt and confused. All I ask, all I ever really ask, is for honesty.
But you know what? For you, for me, it's their loss. We didn't do anything wrong; we were just being ourselves. And that is all we can or should be.
Let's not let ourselves be bitter or too guarded against new experiences. We don't want to shut out new and wonderful possibilities!
Take care. | |
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| to linda2408 and whodatguy
Posted: 2/13/2008 6:39:45 PM | | OP am I wrong to think you developed feelings for this person before your meet? Because I'm not sure what you are expecting from this person, and if you have expectations, why? You seem to be asking a lot of questions about what's in the guy's head. Why not just focus on the experience and move on. Every experience is an opportunity for us to learn about ourself. Are you doubting yourself? Why give this so much thought? | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:13:49 PM |
What brought that on after 2 weeks, did you email him again, OP?
Nothing in particular 'brought that on'. Just responding to posts...since I AM the op after all, lol. Figure it's only to be expected.
And no...I did not write to him again. In fact, HE actually called ME and left a message late Saturday night. Never really explained anything...but said he had an awesome time and hoped to see me again. I wrote a simple message a day or two later basically saying I didnt really understand why he suddenly decided to call after no response whatsoever but whatever the reason was, thanks....
And that was it. I am no longer interested so I didn't feel I needed to write more. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:16:51 PM |
But you know what? For you, for me, it's their loss. We didn't do anything wrong; we were just being ourselves. And that is all we can or should be.
Yes, you are right. It certainly is a lot easier to realize this some time AFTER the fact though, lol. Thanks for your note and I am sorry to hear you have had to deal with your own similar situation. Hope you have a Happy Valentine's Day despite.
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| to linda2408 and whodatguy
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:32:35 PM |
OP am I wrong to think you developed feelings for this person before your meet? /quote] Well yes, to a certain extent. As anyone who has done the internet dating thing for a while knows, it is very easy to develop some feelings for soemone with whom you have spent quite a bit of time corresponding with. No, we had not met face to face yet but we HAD emailed and talked on the phone quite a bit before deciding to meet. We got to know each other quite well. I realize many folks dont take that much time getting to know someone BEFORE meeting but hey...that is where I am they differ. :) Because I'm not sure what you are expecting from this person, and if you have expectations, why? Going back to my original post, my only 'expectation' was to have had SOME response after the very nice date (and weeks of communicating beforehand) we had had. Kiss or no kiss and no matter WHO asked for it, I just think that SOME sort of note (email) or call would not be too much to expect from someone. If he had not acted like he had enjoyed himself and had not kissed me, it would be obvious that he was not interested and then it would be SILLY for me to expect anything. But the plain and simple fact (as I have mentioned over and over) is this: We enjoyed our time together before meeting; we enjoyed our time on our date; he SEEMED to enoy the kiss; he called me before I had even gotten home to let me know he had a good time and enjoyed the kiss; he responded back positively when I wrote and thanked him for a fun night...responded positively but never mentioned the part about dong something again. In fact, never responded after that PERIOD. Never responded tomynote a full week later basically telling him goodbye and that it would have been nice to know he wasnt interested. So yeah.....I feel like I had every right to expect SOMETHING. Sure, many say "just get over it" or "just take the no response as him not being interested". FINE! This thread was not ABOUT whether or not he was interested. I am not stupid. The thread was about why would he not TELL me he wasnt interested after acting ina way that totally contradicted that fact!! Understand any better now? For those who have followed this thread, PLEASE. I am NOT 'sulking' about this particular situation any longer, lol. I am simply responding to questions/thoughts/ideas still being posted. Folks still have thier opinions about what is/isn't right/wrong/acceptable/not acceptable when it comes to dating behaviours. I continue to learn from my experiences...and the experiences of others so thanks for sharing them! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 2/24/2008 10:22:15 AM | | a kiss shouldnt be just something to do because the date ended, it should mean that a person should want to persue the relationship futher. people in our age group should know bett and should be playing a game with other peopls heart. i too had feelings for someone i met online and not on a dating site. we met fell in love moved in together. but i put my daughter first like i should have (she wasnt ready for an extended family). but i have no regrets and i know one day i will meet that one person who will mean the world to me | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:55:28 PM | I find your comments very understanding and accurate. I have had an experience when a woman kissed me out of the blue and I felt extremely uncomfortable with the situation and told her so. I, however, did not want to hurt her feelings (any further)so I did not tell her that I wasn't attracted to her. What I did say was something about wanting to be good friends. Pretty sad way of handling the situation but I was caught off guard and ad libbed. I think that most of us do not want to crush the person so we just try to minimize the hurt.
And as for dancing....wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to sing? | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:21:24 PM | I think you were supposed to ask to be allowed to have your hands all over his anatomy.
The whole thing sounds a little high schoolish to me. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:02:05 AM | it is 2008
and yes guys like to chase..
but if that does not happen( i am gonna say it)
Ya have to MAN UP!!!
Call him up and ask him out.
Some of my best relationships have been with women who have done just that.
Try to remember. We are men, we are simple creatures..do not complicate things and over think it.
Just say WTF( what the F) and call him
What is the worst thing that can happen. he says no...( u will live)
But at least then you know 100% where you stand.. and who knows it can lead to a lifetime, or at least a great weekend-(kidding) of happiness
oh and when u do this ya better let us all know what happened!!!! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:37:29 AM | | a kiss is just a kiss..he may have a g/f..or even be married..LOTS of women give out mixed signals..and then fail to tell the truth. | |
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