Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When to disclose a felony conviction      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NorseViking869
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 101
When to disclose a felony convictionPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I have never committed or been convicted of a felony. if I had though I would deffinatly want to be honest and forth right about it. The trouble is in te timing.

I am sure that If someone knew you werew a felon on the first email it might be a deal breaker ( possibly undeserved, but still). The same person might get this info from you later on and might be "OK" with it (despite it being a deal breaker before you met).

We all disclose things about us over time. No one wnats to hear the long story of our lives unless they have the time to get to know you. That takes days of talking, weeks of dating and months of serious time together.

Tellling someone as soon as it comes up in conversation is the best way to do it. Not like she/he will ever ask it. Maybe a good way to disclose it is by asking the question of the partner you are intamate with. " Are you ok with dating an ex con? or Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

Ask them questions and get there answers. You need to do this early on thoug. If too late it is just as bad as putting it right out there before you meet.
 4umjunky
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 102
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 10:58:12 AM
I would say it would be nice to know up front. Especially if it was for domestic violence or something that might affect me personally and let me make up my own mind whether I want to deal with it or to
 cutemomma03
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 103
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 11:25:37 AM
I did not read through all 5 pages but I feel from personal experience you should be very upfront with the person you intend on dating. I didn't find out my now ex husband was a convicted sex offender (a little boy, happened to be acousin) until I was married and had a child with him. I found out from his mother of all people, a person I had known the entire time. This was one of the biggest factors to our divorce, was that he lied to me and he had a CSC charge against him which put him on the sex offenders list and had to register his address. His lies prevented me from getting a lot of jobs because of the background checks, my address showed up on the sex offenders list and that was the end of it. You should tell anyone you are semi serious about up front and let them make the choice, if they run it may be out of shock and they may come back and with several questions. In that case great they can see past it, but there are people who can't for what ever reasons
 Larissan04
Joined: 4/28/2004
Msg: 104
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 12:37:25 PM
op~

i think it depends on what the person did. me, i would want to know right away. also, i would be hesitant about dating someone who had committed a serious felony, e.g. if there was violence involved, or assault, etc. and it would have to be distant in thier past. the person would have to have some sort of stable track record of progress in thier present life. they would simply have to have some record of accomplishment, success, happiness, setting goals -reaching them, responsibility... what ever you want to call it.. because i am not quite finding the right word to describe what i am trying to say here.. they would have to have something in thier present life that demonstrates that they have changed and are on a different course...

make sense? give it time. things will settle. i have known people that have really turned thier lives around after spending time in jail and getting clean. i have found such people to be quite inspiring.

lar
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 105
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 12:57:45 PM
One thing for sure. It's better to let the cat out of the bag yourself. Everyone else will sweeten the story with lots of extra facts.....
 HiKi
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 106
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 2:45:37 PM

"I have a past, like some people do, however this is not the place to
discuss it. If you are interested in knowing more about me, please
contact me."


I've never seen the inside of a court room, but that is so golden that I'm thinking of putting it in my profile anyway. If anybody asks, I'll just have to make something up.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 107
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 2:57:57 PM
Pre-judging a person is close minded no matter how you put it. If you rule someone out because of their past without getting to know them then I have to call it that.





THat may be true but thier is alot of repeat offenders and people should have the right to chose if they want to try to make it work, deciving is the same as lieing in my book, I am not saying to tell right away but by the 2 or 3 date they should tell, one thing they will respect him alot more instead of hiding the fact.
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 108
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:17:59 PM

So she didn't ask you over a period of 6 dates if you had a criminal history? That seems strange, especially for internet dating.


Is this really standard protocol now?

OP, I would want to know at the end of the first date, as you were asking about seeing me again. I don't think there's much need to disclose beforehand when you don't know if this person is going to be around--but as soon as you decide she is (and find out that's mutual, of course), tell her and let her decide how she wishes to proceed.

--Ms. Flis
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 109
view profile
History
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:41:56 PM
^ I wouldn't think to ask that.... and I've been online for a while.
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 110
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:45:34 PM
I know I never thought I had to ask that question either. I have learned though that just because a guy asks you out doesn't mean he's single... I was told I have to outright ask them if they're married or have a relationship they haven't told me about or it's my own fault for not knowing.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 111
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:47:18 PM
I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer for this topic. It all boils down to three things;

1. What the felony is.
2. If the person no longer leads this type of lifestyle.
3. If someone is willing to overlook your past (felony).

Most would probably share this type of information once they feel comfortable with another and has some interest in pursuing a relationship, but that's not going to guarantee that they overlook/accept it.

Good luck!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 112
view profile
History
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:35:24 PM
In your profile, I'd hate to get to date someone 4-5 times and then find out they have a felony conviction. That is no small detail.
 Random Entry
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 113
view profile
History
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:02:26 PM

So Martha Stewart is an untrustworthy person and will sexually assult your children?


No, but she has curtains leading to her vagina. Jon Stewart said so!


This is a highly anti-social answer. It's selfish, immature, and incredibly inconsiderate.


So what you are saying is that it's just like the rest of dating.

This is a toughy. I, too, feel you're not past it yet. You could easily wait and talk about several months into a relationship had you been released five or ten years ago but this thing is still on your heels in your recent past. It's not ancient history.

So for now sooner is probably better. Seems more truthful. Along with anything else you might feel she needs to know -- is there times she should leave if you just snap? Tell her what those signals are.

I'm not sure when is so important as how you tell.
 wthUagain101
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 114
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:09:01 PM
Well I would say, just about the time. That U find someone U really think U have an interest in. Whether that be friend/fbuddy/love interest/whatever. Becuz if U feel a real interest/connection. Then they should too. Or everybody is probally wasting everybody's time anyway.

Or then again. U could keep your B mouth shut. And forget about your/their past. And rather concentrate on your/their future. Either one of these could presumably work. Provided that Uve found someone your actually compatible with. :D


gdluck, U dirty ole felonious felon U

PS, btw U realize of course. That U just announced it to the pof world. So its a moot point, lol. So U pretty much took care of the public announcement here. 4 real though gdluck dood.

PS2, which ( this is not directed at the OP ) if your a sex offender. Dont worry about it. They have websites. With their pics and street addresses plastered all over the web. Which IS A GOOD THING ANYWAY. gdl bye.
 country girl 1963
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 115
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:06:01 PM
Only you can decide what is right. I think if a relationship looks like there is some potential of going someplace, it needs to come up fairly early in it. If it is not going to go any place who needs to know those kinds of details about your personal information.

Just realized, this is going to sound really really bad... BUT...... ouch I have married (one) and dated (three) men who have had felony charges. I guess that sounds pretty bad, specially when one considers that I really don't date problem men, bad boys, or even a LOT of men. Frankly none have ever upset me, or bothered me. I guess that is maybe just me, or maybe the kind of charges they have had??? I don't know????

None have ever said anything to me until there has been some sign that the relationship (or a solid friendship) had some potential, but soon enough that I could walk before we got in too deep. None have been career criminals, none have done anything that would put me (or my child) at risk, none have tried to hide anything from me. I guess much would depend on what you did.

Regardless, she did you a favour by walking. Keep it honest and you will not go wrong!!

Country Girl 1963

 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 116
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:23:46 PM
I have a bench warrant out on me right now... What? I still get dates....animal at large ...my cat ate the neighbors squirrel...my daughter is dating a cop and he knows because well...she has a big mouth...you will never take me alive you dirty coppers!

I guess it depends on the crime...I have a dear childhood friend who is serving life for shooting a man that molested his five year old daughter. I can't say I wouldn't do he same! So ya I think you should spill that type of thing seems important that you allow the person you are interested in to judge for themselves if what you did is something that they handle.
 Solitarygal
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 117
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:43:29 PM
I don't know if OP realizes he not only announced his 'problem' to
the POF world, but to the world in general. Anytime you post on
POF forums, it goes onto the worldwide web...

Just Google your Username and there it is, for all the world to see.
Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and with OP's particular
post, discretion would have been not to advertise in the forums.

Not is to say he should not reveal this matter to a prospective
dating partner, of course he should, but how and when is questionable
at best.

Just my 2cents worth.

Sol
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 118
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:48:24 PM

Just Google your Username and there it is, for all the world to see.

That's not always the case. :) Google his name... tell me what you find. I know that what I found was rum and Don Quixote. Yes, the whole world if going to figure this guy out because he posted here.
 sixofseven8
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 119
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:50:58 PM
OP I read most of the five pages and I think it`s a case of when for sure, it`s up to you, sooner than later. If you live close to an international boarder you can always go there and practice.
 Solitarygal
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 120
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:52:57 PM
Sheri lyn I just googled it and sure enough, there it is..........................
"donq last post"
 cocytus
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 121
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:54:12 PM
Actually felony means PRISON...not jail...
There's a difference.
If things are going somewhere...the sooner you get it out of the way...the better for YOU.
NEVER let HER have to find it out..
That'll end things for sure.

If you're just dating...then it's up to you if when you tell her.
If things aren't going to go too far...why tell somebody you may never see again too many details about your life?

Since women will give a sense of what they'll tolerate and what they won't...you usually can tell when (or if) it's the right time for the conversation to go in that direction.
 okcgreeneyes1029
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 122
view profile
History
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:55:00 PM
I'm the one who usually brings up a question like that. We're in the first date "ask me anything" mode and I off handedly ask, "have you ever been convicted of a crime?" I smile or giggle; something to take away the awkwardness. Several men have said yes, so the next question would be as to the nature of the conviction. I have to know about the legal history of people I am friendly with because of my job. Even if we're arrested, we have to notify our employer. If we please no contest or found guilty, even if it was something considered small (like a little weed on you), we're fired immediately. I value my 20 yrs career far more than someone I just met with a record.

Now, that's not to say that people who have done things, done their time, and are getting on with their are not all bad. I just happen to have a moral terpitude clause in my hiring agreement.

If it were me, I would let your potential date know about what happened. Don't go into specifics, but say you had been convicted, did your time, and are now off parole. If she asks, tell her about your limitations. If she doesn't act odd, then it sounds like it would be a "go" for a meeting.

Good luck!
Liz
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 123
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 8:07:37 PM
So you found this post..... anything else?? If you didn't find anything else then it's highly unlikely that anyone is going to find his entire life history by googling his name.
 Sugrbb
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 124
view profile
History
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/22/2008 8:24:42 PM
Hi Dong,

Personally, I would like to know something like this to begin with.
Some folks are understanding and willing to listen, others are not.
IMO, that just makes people people, and neither one worse than the other.
We each have our own individual decisions to make, one way or the other...

We each have personal choices as well as attractions to or not when it concerns the people we associate with or date.
This is normal, why should it make any of us right or wrong?

Do as you please, follow you instinct.
Another thing to keep in mind is that unless she's seen you on TV or newspaper, why in the world would one of the first things to pop into her mind be, to ask you is whether or not you have a felony conviction. It's certainly not one of the first things I would think to ask a man when getting to know him.

Best of Luck & Love

 HiKi
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 125
When to disclose a felony conviction
Posted: 1/23/2008 12:38:01 AM

No one wants to begin to get emotionally attached to someone they are going to have to cut completely out of their life


I believe the goal is to avoid having them completely cut you out of their life.

When you do bring this up, I think you also need to include one of two things:

1. How you've changed and grown as a person, and what you've learned about life since then, that would cause you to never make the same bad choice again.
2. Why you would do it all over again. From what you've said about therapy that's probably not the case, but if your sister showed up at your doorstep with two black eyes, a swollen lip, and black and blue marks all over her body, I wouldn't judge you too harshly for putting her abusive husband in a coma.

Okay, that was an unlikely example, but either way I think it's about owning who you are. It's not all of your life, but it is a part of your life. Who you were, what you did, and who you've become. It sounds like you put those five years to good use, and you're continuing to follow up with counseling, so that's a really good sign.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When to disclose a felony conviction