| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:29:52 PM | Dear Herding Cats; post #74
I can not stand more impressed by your response. IS it really that big an insult when others realize your pattern of self-destructiveness that they actually care enough to try to give you some insight and some advice too? Cat gal I would hope that getting pissed off may just get you to thinking about the much more pleasant alternatives to constipation and retardations too. Since English is my weapon par excellence you should check as these are too close to APATHY.
How do you like the entertainment now? | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:47:04 PM | I can not stand more impressed by your response. IS it really that big an insult when others realize your pattern of self-destructiveness that they actually care enough to try to give you some insight and some advice too?
This will be my last response only to let you know that I am not insulted at all. Nor am I "pissed off". I find anyone that reads one thread and dispenses their personality analysis rather presumptuous. You do not have any insight into the individuals you have "judged" on this thread unless you are emailing them personally and engaging in conversations behind the scenes.
If you want to quote your own experiences, as most of us have been, that is something else altogether. But playing it safe and dispensing armchair psychology about others — as if it is fact — is rather obnoxious.
English is my weapon par excellence you should check as these are too close to APATHY.
How do you like the entertainment now?
If you have come to the forums to wield your command of the language as a weapon, it is you that is being self destructive and I will reserve judgment on the entertainment value of such until I've seen more.
That's all.
As you were. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/23/2008 5:23:58 PM |
A wise fellow once told me: "If you're lookin' in the ditch, sooner or later that's where you're gonna end up."
Another memorable quote, Margo! It is certainly applicable to the topic of hyper-vigilance. If one focusses too strongly on what may go wrong in a relationship, one may inadvertently end up in the ditch, wondering where the heck the bruises came from.
I like what you share about your father's wisdom, Margo. My parents are very wise, but they are at a loss in how to guide me in this post-divorce dating world of mine. It is totally foreign to them. Theirs is the only relationship either has ever had. While they had to work on issues in their marriage, they are remarkably well-matched, and they certainly never faced the prospect of divorce.
When my husband left me, my mother sat me down and suggested I just give up on men and live a celibate life. I asked her to put herself back to 45, and to honestly ask herself if she would be willing to do without sex for the rest of her life.
Her silence said it all. It appears I inherited my mother's healthy sex drive.
Thus, if one is not prepared to give up on intimacy for a lifetime, then one is put in the position of pursuing relationships of some form or other. When one has lots of baggage (and who doesn't by the time we get to our forties?), then one may be prone to being hyper-vigilant for fear of being hurt yet again.
It's a conundrum, isn't it? | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:59:31 PM |
rune3 Your response is essentially correct in that you have to develop the COURAGE to subdue the FEAR. Unfortunately I get a different insight from your note about your MUM. It is really embarrassing that if we ask wise friends they pick up very quickly so much about defects in our dates. Have you ever thought about using a wise friend instead to give feedback? I think this would improve our selection. Instead you imply that you will just use the least reliable senses of humans, subjective ones of intuition and INSTINCT. Why not work on an objective way to success? Hell all the best in most every field do such mostly by OBJECTIVITY! Objectives are specifically defined things like stability, reliability, trustworthy, honesty not impulse intuition nor instinct. I don't need any help with my "selection" thank you. My mother is the wisest person I know, aside from my special someone. She had not met him at the time and was simply questioning my ability to judge, asking me to be hyper-vigilant, not making a judgement herself. I did not refer to using instinct alone, but also thought. I would not let anyone else decide which way my life will go other than me -- I am the one who has to live it. So far I am happy with my choices --- even the wrong ones that I made when I was young --- because I needed to learn.
If you have a wise friend, or a friend, you might consider asking them to look at the way you communicate with others. Your reading seems to involve misunderstanding and your writing is extremely strange. Profile reviews are that way ----> and I strongly recommend that you get help with your extremely strange and badly written profile. As Herding Cast says:
If you have come to the forums to wield your command of the language as a weapon, it is you that is being self destructive One think you can learn right now is that it is extremely rude to assume that you know what cannot be known and sit in judgement of the way other people choose to organise their lives.
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:30:21 PM |
If you go prospecting for flaws, sure as shinola, you're gonna find them. You'll either discover them, or you'll invent them. Ew. Damn right.
It’s like they’re on a constant vigil to identify a misstep in another -- and even a little one will do to justify that vigilance. Absolutely.
It's late. I'm tired. So I'll just say I agree with those 2 mini-quotes. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:56:47 AM | Porpose… I take it you do not like poetry from 13th century Sufis?
There is, IMO, a great difference between diligence and hyper-vigilance and even a diligent life, however worthy, is severely lacking without joy and compassion. What I believe you fail to consider is that people hear things from many voices… a joke brings insight to one, a serious discourse leads to an epiphany for another. The power of the threads is the variety of voices. The silly, the profound, the profane, the earnest… all have a place at this table. We are all a work-in-progress, each one with different lessons to give and to learn.
Nietche said “And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.”
You said…
Do deeply consider:
The journey is far more important than is the destination my friends!!!
A person who is hyper-vigilant is overly focused on “the outcome” or the destination. Often, they can be so focused on not making a mistake that they could work very, very diligently and still not have any trust that life will work out for them. For some, Porpose, “the answer” is not to work harder but to relax and enjoy more. Allow more into their world. To trust that they will make mistakes, that others will disappoint, and they will be enough to handle them. To focus on the journey of discovery of self and other, rather than being fearful of a disappointing end.
I would suggest that if you found my posts merely entertaining, selfish and foolish you have failed to hear the message they contain. As I said earlier, we are many different people here with many different voices… some will hear my words and find they resonate with their situation and life experience, others will not. You are, apparently, tone deaf to the music I type and that is just the way it is. | |
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zom
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Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 82 | |
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 4:55:28 AM | | It's from looking for honor among thieves. At some shopping malls they have discreetly placed security cameras, by which guards located in an office out of sight can watch shoppers and keep a record in case one is needed. Moving to higher crime areas, there are guards in uniform placed in plain view to alert would-be felons of a security presence. Then once you have convicted shoplifters and sent them to jail, you add bars, walls, locks, and guards within a ring of walls, razor wire and watchtowers. The watchfulness gets higher as the devious behavior demands it. In dating there is so much devious behavior that what would otherwise seem heavy handed security is often barely enough. Online there is no such thing as being too vigilant when it comes to romantic felons. We're talking stolen dreams and lives here, not a stolen kiss. Misplaced trust in dating is like if the mall had no doors or employees and everyone shopped on the honor system. There would be non-stop looting until the bare shelves were stolen. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 5:53:11 AM | ~ you are still in the rank and file of the "walking wound"
to weak to take a hit ~ heal up!
quit looking for reasons to fail ~ dar | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:07:15 AM | YearoftheCat (msg49),
Women are intuitive by nature. I think that can translate to hyper vigilance, which isn't always good. Often, it creates problems where none exist.
I have to remind myself to take things as they come because I tend to think I know everything when it comes to people.
That is an amazing statement/admission. That could well be the prayer of the hyper-vigilant.
What a fearless heart. WOW.  | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:22:23 AM | On the rare occasion when I meet someone and we "connect" with each other...we will assume for the sake of this discussion that neither of us has any significant concern about physical safety( I absolutely DO look like I could benchpress a 1958 Chrysler!) or being financially scammed...I ask myself only one question;
"Is this ride gonna be worth the fall?"
Cindy O | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:05:28 AM | Anyway, why be so vigilant about someone else's flaws? How about minding our own first?
Be grateful when you do find a flaw in someone else: it means they're not superior to you, so you can relax.
I hope you'll meet someone who, despite finding several flaws in you, wants your company anyway. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:43:41 AM |
I have learned the hard way to avoid women who show even the smallest sign of being hyper-vigilant. If they do, I run.
Yup, me too. If she isn't well adjusted enough to not punish me for someone else's mistakes, I don't see a need to stay there and be an emotional punching bag while she gets over her last relationship. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 1:35:51 PM |
If she isn't well adjusted enough to not punish me for someone else's mistakes, I don't see a need to stay there and be an emotional punching bag while she gets over her last relationship.
My partner refers to this as "frying someone in someone else's fat". As in, him frying me in his ex-wife's fat, or me frying him in my ex-husband's fat.
To have absolutely no understanding or patience with this type of reaction would make short shift of most relationships with anyone with past relationship experience.
It is unavoidable that our past experience affect our current functioning. We need to examine ourselves for this fat-frying, and be open to hearing feedback from our partner about it---------but we need to give some leeway here, in order to build and sustain a relationship.
Zero tolerance makes for zero relationship. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 2:07:34 PM | My partner refers to this as "frying someone in someone else's fat". As in, him frying me in his ex-wife's fat, or me frying him in my ex-husband's fat.
I like that. I am going to remember that one. I know that in my last relationship he was fryin' me in someone else's. | |
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| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/24/2008 2:13:17 PM | Your experience is pretty typical really. Most folks go from one extreme to another in most things and never even notice it. I guess the thing I learned in 51 years of life more than anything else is that every problem I ever had I was there. I was the only common denominator in all the stuff that went on and is going on in my life so I have to believe that I played a pretty important role in failed relationships. On the plus side at least you are together enought to question yourself and let me tell you that is a big and important first step to keeping problems from hapening and repeating. As Ben Franklin said at the constitutional convention always doubt a little of your own infalability.  | |
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