| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:55:01 AM | I am suspicious and cautious because of my experiences, yes.
BUT, if I were seeing someone and
we've spent plenty of time together and I have his address, home phone, he's been to my home and we've met friends and family...
i would've moved from the suspicious stage to the "are you good for me'" or the "are you what i want" stage. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 11:11:41 AM | I am not overly suspicious because of Internet Dating experiences, but of known situations:
1) recently found out I have an older brother, conceived before wedlock. It was a secret for 50 years.
2) a few female aquaintances have long-term married lovers
3) a female aquaintance has two fiances
3) a female aquaintance has been dating a married man for over 8 years
4) a few female aquaintances who serial date, or constantly juggle multiple dates. (no committment intended)
5) a couple of female aquaintances who are married, but routinely have new lovers.
6) a few women I have dated, and discovered they were already involved with someone.
etc etc... and then there are the relatives...... omg........
Yes, it is a little difficult, not to be suspicious when dating females.
(and I am not interested in males !)
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Kaltes
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Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 28 | |
| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 11:42:38 AM | It does scare me a bit that I have become jaded. I dont like the fact that I have put certain things at the end of my profile. I just recently added "no felons". Well, as my bff stated.."be glad you missed that bullet". I am getting rather good at the red flags and would like to think that I am just getting wiser.
I think as long as one maintains a balance and doesn't become one of those psycho people that always accuses the other person, everything should be good.  | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 12:11:22 PM | I definitely think people kinda go overboard on these forums. You could post basically any situation you can think of, and someone is going to post that it's a huge "red flag", and that you should run in the other direction. Even in this thread - you posted that you've been to his place, met friends and family, etc... and yet someone else posted that he might have multiple addresses or be "deeply disturbed". Wow.
I remember a thread from a while ago about a "potential stalker" - I think the situation involved a guy who the woman had previously rejected contacting her a few months later to say he was moving to her area for work, and asking if she had any advice on neighbourhoods, housing, etc. One of the first responses in the thread was to tell her to move and buy a gun!!!
It's one thing to be cautious - we've probably all had an experience where someone was less than honest about something - but it's another thing entirely to analyze every little thing something says or does, and automatically assume the worst about people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt - innocent until proven guilty. Online, the opposite seems to be the norm. Men are pigs and players, and women are gold diggers and whores, and everyone has to work to prove that they're not.
If I put "open minded" on my profile, it doesn't mean that I like people who try new ethnic cuisines and are open to debating politics and religions - it means I'm into S&M and am looking to get laid. If a woman puts "generous" or "financially stable" on her profile, it doesn't mean she's looking for a guy who gives to charity and/or is responsible with money, it means she's a gold digger looking for a free ride. If a man puts "active" or "takes care of themselves" or "fit" on their profile, it doesn't mean he enjoys working out and being physically active and is looking for the same, it means he's a shallow pig who's only interested in barbie-doll types. I could go on all day with these.
I only have a cell phone, I didn't bother getting a land line when I moved - no real need for 2 phones, I have a good plan for my cell, and live in a city so I get good reception. Yet, according to another thread on here, that would mark me for suspicion, because I couldn't give a woman my "home" phone number - must mean I'm married and don't want you to call my home in case my wife is there.
I'm actually getting close to deleting my profile. The world of online dating has allowed me to meet some cool people, but there is just so much negativity and distrust and drama! Maybe I'm just naive and haven't been burned as bad as most - but if that's the case maybe I should get out while I'm ahead! lol | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 12:43:55 PM | I haven't been on plenty fish too long and only been on a few dates. But I can say from my experience on other sites, people have reason to be cautious. I have so many friends burned by people pretending to be something they are not, making promises and building dreams then disappearing.
Admitting this will probably damn me but I've played with online manipulators to try to understand how they tick, which might speak volumes for my character but I want to understand why they purposely disregard other people's feelings. I have only met one that proved he was worth the air he breathed. There is one guy on myspace who is dangerous yet he finds a new women each month to use and abuse. This type of behavior is not gender specific either, I know guy who sent money for a women to fly to see him only to get to the airport to be stood up. I came to the conclusion there are a lot of damaged people online, who get pleasure from the games they play. I deleted my myspace account because the drama was too much. From reading the threads on plenty fish..it's a little less here, I hope. When I see a profile that is everything a woman wants...I avoid it lol. If my suspicious nature leaves me missing out on a good thing, then my bad. I have reservations in general about online dating but live in a small town and want to swim in other ponds to see what is out there. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:02:16 PM | Do any of us remember dating before the Inet? Real life dating? Well I do. There were users/liers/cheats/players then too. We just didn't meet as many of them. But then we didn't meet as many people as we can meet now. So now we meet 3x as many people, it only goes to figure that we will meet 3x as many undesirables. Before we had maybe 5 negative stories in a life time. Today we have 5 negative stories every year.
People only want to talk about the negative side of Inet dating. Sure we can do that all day long, and we do just look at the forums. I had found myself feeling the negative side of Inet dating, I had to take a break, regroup, adjust my attitude and realized it's not as bad as it seems. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:32:28 PM |
Is this a product of always meeting strangers and becoming so involved before you actually meet them face to face...a product of what we read and experience with our fellow campers? Or am I just getting weird in my middleish age?
It could be, but quite frankly the big problem I see here is that people spend endless months talking on the internet instead of person to person. You can say anything in the internet and it doesn't not amount to five words said in person. You can even fall in love in the internet, and two seconds with that person LIVE you can change your mind.
So enjoy what you got going. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 4:20:48 AM | Yes, it has made me overly suspicious at times. I'm dating a great guy right now, we have developed a very close relationship, and he has done nothing to violate my trust in him. But at times, I still get suspicious *only* because of my previous experiences with men I met online.
I've gotten better, though, and when I find myself internally questioning his behavior these days, I think "question or trust; question or trust". I have chosen "trust" each time. It's helped relieve any developing anxiety, and has also helped me stay focused on the positive. And that sure beats worrying over nothing any day. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:25:28 PM | I would say it is more a natural part of growing older and the experiences we accumulate along the way. Most of the thread topics are not news to anyone but I think what it does do is remind us to listen to our bodies in addition to our minds, and to be aware. Another thread post earlier mentioned listening instead of just hearing when people give us all the information we need to know the real them.
There is a difference between let us say healthy skepticism rather than suspicion, and going mental on it without thinking about it. Most of become more tolerant but at the same less accepting of b.s. You (and us all) would be an idiot to walk around with your head up your rear failing to pay attention to things that you obviously noticed. You are looking at what you know and essentially filing the information for later use should some weird things arise.
I also don't imagine that you would decide based on one little nugget of information that everything else you know about this man is suddenly untrue instead you will seek a reason behind whatever behavior seems strange and for now, see how things continue to unfold. Seems pretty prudent without being inflexible.
I haven't read all of the posts or reposts but I would also suggest that you not ignore it either. Sometimes our bodies tell us things our brains do not want to recognize. You are at the stage of things, at least by my history, when things do start bubbling up to the surface and can start unraveling. I think most people at some point are happy enough that they wonder when the bottom is going to drop out. As long as you look at it as it appears you have just enjoy yourself and keep your eyes open.
Rjb888 also makes a good point. The volume of people you encounter on a dating site for most people is way beyond anything in real life and most people talk about bad relationships rather than good. The men I have met on pof have left me with good experiences, the fact that they were not right for me has nothing to do with where I met them. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:26:36 PM | To me this seems like a really strange question. I feel that how things happen in real life is pretty much going to get reflected wherever you go or how you usually are. I must be just naive in some ways, or just believe in the goodness and good intentions of others as well as myself. Maybe its because I have been near death, and compared to some of the scares - hey that stuff is life and no big schnizzle .....
Maybe because I am a man? Or maybe someone who accepts the yin and yang of life, and that in everything there is a lesson for me to learn? Sure I have been hurt, and sure I know I am alive. I have loved, been loved, and have lost loves and lovers ..... and I remain upright. But then again, being completely humble,  I am a pretty easy going guy. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:50:10 PM | Hey ActTwo, I can certainly relate to what you're saying........I have met
two people who were not at all what they portrayed (either on the
phone or their profiles). It is easy to become jaded or suspicious when
someone is 'hiding' behind a computer monitor and typing whatever
comes to mind, without a thought what the person at the other end is
thinking or feeling, self gratification so to speak.
Fortunately I am not the type to sit and fret about it however, it can get
somewhat disconcerting. If the person communicating with you is intense
or aggressive it certainly raises those red flags for me and puts me in
caution mode.
I for one refuse to be negative whether it be in the real world or cyberspace,
just these days it takes a wee bit more effort, lol.
I must agree with Wickedgood, always land on your feet and to date it has
stood me in good stead (pardon the pun)......for everything there is a reason......
Just my 2cents worth :)
Brazos, Sol | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 10:37:09 PM | | You are not suspicious of him being involved with someone else? You have an online dating profile advertising you are looking for men. He probably knows about it and has profiles on other sites also. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 10:43:05 PM | 
Sounds like the net has given you a chance to finesse some "critical thinking skills" and multi-task at the same time.
 POF Should be a place to second and third look at someone. We're all out here "looking to buy a horse" so to speak.
Only problem is your not really allowed to know much about the horse, nor do you know if the picture you get is the one thats really of the horse....
A horse can have a gazillion things wrong with it.....
Have you become a better horse trader or just "suspicious" of the internet and whats on it?
Sounds like your just a better horse trader .... Your very confident of your skills and driven to make sure you get the best deal
Sounds like you'll do just fine on POF YOU GO GIRL
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:00:05 PM | .
I’ve been on this Internet since it first started and have met many very nice people -- both virtually and later in person. Yeah, okay, a couple of them ended up being real kooks, but they were friendly and funny kooks and meeting with them was definitely not a waste of time.
In those days, after the meeting with someone from the “room”, it was customary to immediately get on the computer and go back to the “room” and tell everyone all about what happened. So that, in itself, kept everyone honest. And when it was really best is when you both got on the same computer together and told everyone how you enjoyed meeting each other and what you did. That happened with me a few times and I never remember anyone having a problem coming to my home to use my computer.
Those were fun times with people who knew each other well over the computer, not dates. But, when I knew who was coming to town, my treat was to schedule an activity that was of special interest to them. So, I would never tell them what we would be doing, only how to dress. The gals got a big kick out of that because there was never a duplicate and they never knew what would happen with me. Fact is, I took a whole married family for day-trip to one place that they all liked.
But you know, back in the chat room days we were never afraid to meet and greet anyone who came to our town, or when we went to their cities. In fact, it was expected and people on the boards could actually get angry if you didn’t schedule at least a short meet with whoever was there. I suppose that’s different with people searching for a date, but I certainly don’t feel any different about meeting someone for lunch or a drink. To me, it’s just being social. But then, I’ve never been accused of being a guy on the make, either. Also, I was a moderator in one of the largest chat rooms going in those days.
But that’s not to say that I didn’t intentionally prey on the local ladies who stated that they were done with dating because they couldn’t find a man that was good enough for them. Oh yes I did hit on them, immediately! Lunch, usually. And I never had any problem getting them to join me -- how about that, eh? Oh, and yeah, there were two or three from here in my early days here.
All I did, though, was to prove to them that they actually can have some interesting conversation with a guy for two or three hours without getting hit on. Then I’d give them a little hug and send them home wondering ‘what the hell did he just do?’ That evening I would call them and mention that they are very nice and the only reason they were having a problem is that their “picker” is broken. They need to stand back and look for quality, not quantity. In other words, stop dating just to be dating. One of the three from here is very happily married now and another is considering it. And these are women almost my age.
Truthfully, I don’t date. However, in my time here I have spied a few women I am sure would be wonderful to know -- and one special gal that I’m sure would also be a hell of a lot of fun as a friend and more.
I read the messages from the faidycats and just dummy up. But, a couple years ago, when I wrote something like this, a rather accomplished young lady from a couple states over corresponded with me for a while and I offered to introduce her to a couple professional guys on here in her age group. Her instant retort was that they are too far away. But she wrote to two of them for a while, picked one, and suddenly they were both gone from here. There’s no telling what happened, but I don’t see him at the tailgate parties for Michigan anymore, so maybe something.
And so it goes. To me it’s all just being social. However, if a certain pretty lady keeps getting friendly, even I can change my tune about dating & such. 
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:08:14 AM |
You have an online dating profile advertising you are looking for men.
I was under the impression Not single/not looking in the status box nullified the advertising part. Also, when someone writes in their text , “I've actually met someone and am seeing how it goes...and yes, he knows I come on here.” might be a clue as well.
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:11:36 AM | I was BORN suspicious.
The 'story' is ... That , I asked the Dr. : "What the HE11 was THAT all about?!"
Won't even 'get into' What Happened when the B@STARD *smacked* me on the a s s !
'Internet'/POF ? *pffft*
Really , has NO 'bearing' on My 'frame of mind'. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:58:19 AM | Overly suspicious is not the word I would use to describe how I feel about internet dating experiences. More so cautious ... as in confirming in real life what someone has said online to know they are for real. Cautious because it's easy to give out a cell phone # and meet for dates but not know if someone is married. Cautious because it is easier for con artists (male and female alike) to hide behind the cloak of the internet to play with people's lives.
It has become the new playground for people to cheat on their partner, in multiples. It's quite sad actually. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 8:26:08 AM | Any experience that you have in life affects the way you are in the REST of your life, OP. I don't like the words "bitter, jaded, cynical". They put a negative connotation on a totally acceptable value, which is "cautious and wise". Anyone who does not pay attention to the world around them, does not learn from previous experiences, does not listen and consider the experiences of others, is not a very wise person.
The stove is there.
The burner is red.
You NEED the warmth.
You put your hand on the burner.
You get burned.
The stove is there.
The burner is red.
Your NEED is still there....
....................
Does this make you jaded? Cynical? Bitter?
No. It makes you wise.
Hell, you will not only avoid RED burners in the future, you will be damn careful around anything that remotely resembles a stove or a burner!
That's called "intelligence". | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 8:31:23 AM | If I put "open minded" on my profile, it doesn't mean that I like people who try new ethnic cuisines and are open to debating politics and religions - it means I'm into S&M and am looking to get laid. If a woman puts "generous" or "financially stable" on her profile, it doesn't mean she's looking for a guy who gives to charity and/or is responsible with money, it means she's a gold digger looking for a free ride. If a man puts "active" or "takes care of themselves" or "fit" on their profile, it doesn't mean he enjoys working out and being physically active and is looking for the same, it means he's a shallow pig who's only interested in barbie-doll types. I could go on all day with these.
Well, it would be much simpler if people would put "I'm into S&M and looking to get laid" "Im a gold digger" or "Im a shallow pig who is only interested in barbie doll types".....but lets face it, THOSE words won't get them anywhere....Soooo, they HAVE resorted to the cute little word-isms you've described above. That is why those cute little descriptions have taken on new values.
Just like "cozy cottage" in the real estate business means "shack too small to even keep a dog in". And "gay" no longer means "happy". And "cute" is no longer an acceptable complimentary word. (See, I am able to learn!)
Its life. Get used to it. Roll with the punches. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/25/2008 6:38:32 PM | Well you asked the question.. So Yes,. I think you ARE getting wierd in your middlish age I mean.. look at it like you did the other night..You like the guy, got his info.. But. there MUST be "something" is always in the back of your head. Even YOU thought it was stupid! I'm sure if you look at ANYONE long enough everyone will find some bones in the closet. I think we're becoming a nation of the "tabloid mentality".. and all want to be the investigative reporter paparrazi that breaks dirt on someone who "seems" too good to be true. OR: The rush to EXTRA!, EXTRA!< All MEN ARE PIGS! READ ALL ABOUT IT! OR: This JUST out! All women ARE B-I-T-C-H-E-S! Details At 11:00! If some one's going to look at ME that way,. they better bring the camera crew, because I make all the Baldwin boys, look like saints. I have to move from time to time because the closets overflow into the rest of the rooms with skeletons.. in various stages of decomposition.. And.. If they want to take MY picture.. they get this hanging & shakin' out the Limo window...(((___I___)))   | |
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