| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 12:13:15 PM | @lovelytonou:
I'll address your response 'on point' but first I would like to ask AGAIN, the question that all you EX COLLECTORS all seem to manage to skirt and not answer in your rantings:
How is it you can find the self-discipline to get along with him NOW after you're divorced [ for the sake of the kids of course] but couldnt locate this wellspring of self control while you were married [ for the sake of the same kids] ?
My ex husband's wife is a great mother. She has taken good care of my own children while they visit, taken them with her on trips/vacations, and she is everything that the "ugly step-mother" notion is not. They live thousands of miles away from where I'm at and I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about my kids being with a step parent who resents the 'other spouse's' children or treats them unfairly. I appreciate her character and overall generosity. I'd have a huge problem if my kids had to be around a 2nd wife from hell.
This is all wonderful, and is a great thing for your kids I agree, and for your peace of mind while they are there. This however is irrelevant to the inappropriate closeness of ex-intimates; one does not have to be close with the ex or his new SO in order for the situation you penned above to exist. This woman would likely be all the things you said she was whether you were in contact with her and your ex, or not.
And you can appreciate her for this, feel gratitude, warmth, send her a Christams Card if you must, but "I LOVE HER" ??? C'mon, thats a quite a bit overboard and frankly is a more than a bit weird.
Too many children are stuck and caught in the middle of totally hateful or dysfunctional divorced parent relationships and unfortunately, they suffer. I see it every day at my job and I've worked with those types of affected children for over 25 years. They many times grow to be adults who are spiteful, depressed, can't build or sustain their own relationships, can't trust others, and so on. So let's face it, parents can totally screw their kids up for life because of their personal issue/divorce.
So true. All the more reason to not get divorced if there are children involved except in the most extreme of circumstances. If you can get along with your ex friendly enough while divorced, then with work and effort and perseverence you could have accomplished the same thing while married. But divorce is easier.........
Divorce is a cop-out in all situations where mutual self-control and self-discipline will suffice instead: which is most divorces. Now if one is willing and the other not, well it takes two, so you may STILL end up divorced even tho you were willing to work on it and he was not - but in such a situation you would not be 'buddy pals' after the divorce either.
The Romance Dying, which seems to happen fairly often in Urbanessa's life, is not an acceptable reason for divorce where there are minor children involved. That WOULD be selfish. If a child cannot have two Biological parents that love each other then the next best thing is two who will PUT ASIDE their personal issues and raise him/her as Mom and Dad anyway, and shielding him/her from any knowledge of your underlying dysfunctional relationship between one another. Then when the kids are grown and gone you two can indugle your 'lets take the easy road' syndrome and get divorced.
In this regards I must sound like Urbanessa - Americans are SO lazy, physically and mentally. They want to take the EASY road to and out of, everything. Instant Gratification, dont want to work at or labor for anything, dont want to wait for the fruits of ones labors......this one failing is the basis for so many of Americas faults....but I digress -
My ex and I had a very mutal understanding that our kids would come first. If we stayed together, it would have been a very sad and negative environment for them.
Only if you continued with your behaviors that made it so.
I NEVER advocated bickering and dysfunctional spouses staying together AS bickering and dysfunctional spouses. I advocate that the bickering and dysfunctional adults exhibit some SELF CONTROL ( the SAME sort that you're going to exhibit after you're divorced when you get along so well ) and STOP being SELFISH and Cowboy up and FIX YOUR MARRIAGE, or at least endure it civil-ly until the kids are grown.
I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the kids, come hell or high water.
Obviously.
And you have answered your song and dance question, within the question itself. Exactly, we have found a way to GET ALONG....
No that does not answer it, the question is HOW is it that you can locate this self discipline NOW but could not when you were married? Sounds very convenient......
...we have found a way to GET ALONG. That's very different than being in a loving and supportive marriage; which we didn't have
You fixed the barn door AFTER the horses came home in other words. This is not something to crow about.
If you read my post again, you might see that I am not at all judgemental
Where did I say you were?
[QUOTE] BTW: not sure what law books you look at but not calling a step parent Mom or Dad is a written factor in a decree determined by the parties and agreed upon; not a law in "most states"...go look in the blue book, Ed 2005. You must know what that is since you quote law so well. LMFAO! [/QUOTE]
Yawn. I love it when people underestimate me. It is a powerful weapon!
You mean the 18th Edition 2005 dont you? Yes I know what it is, and if you do, you know it is not all encompassing. You'd do better at FindLaw or CLIP. Or going online to the relevant state and reading the statutes firsthand. I also contacted my divorce attorney and broached the question with him, he maintains it has the force of law in Florida and can and IS prosecuted as emotional child abuse. This is also how it was explained to me at my divorce hearing by the judge.
He also claims the State maintains an interest in the conduct of divorced parents as it relates to the physical and emotional well being of a child, and as such there are certain default behaviors that are inherently prohibited by the mere issuance of a divorce decree in florida (this being one of them) and that all decrees of divorce MUST have default provisions for these and other Interests of the State, and that the participants agreement is not required. Meaning in Florida it is in your Divorce Decree whether you want it there or not. He also said this was not always the case either, but that it has been this way for along time.
FYI | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 12:36:48 PM | I'm in total agreement with larissan04 on this.
I dated a man who remained "close friends" with his ex after she left him. They had 2 older teenage children. She was living with her new boyfriend. My bf helped her financially ... much more than was necessary. He went to her house to repair things. He bought her beautiful presents. They maintained many of the same friends so there was constant socializing in the same circles. He even forwarded an email exchange he had with her where she "approved" of me. gag Continuing over a few months, I couldn't handle it anymore.
I don't think these types of relationships are healthy even if there is no sex. There is far too much emotional connection in my opinion. I told the bf when I broke up with him that he needed counselling. I thought he had major unresolved issues with his ex and was unable to really let her out of his life ... and vice versa. A normal breakup means getting on with your life. Moving on.
Anyhow ... it might not be possible for you to sympathize with the new women in your life bamabob .... but it seems clear to me that you are not putting your priorities in the right place. The number one woman in your life should be your new relationship in order for it to be successful. Let the other one go.
Or maybe deep down you don't want the new one to work ....???? So you can continue to depend on your ex wife. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:20:05 PM | So true. All the more reason to not get divorced if there are children involved except in the most extreme of circumstances. If you can get along with your ex friendly enough while divorced, then with work and effort and perseverence you could have accomplished the same thing while married. But divorce is easier.........
Divorce is a cop-out in all situations where mutual self-control and self-discipline will suffice instead: which is most divorces. Now if one is willing and the other not, well it takes two, so you may STILL end up divorced even tho you were willing to work on it and he was not - but in such a situation you would not be 'buddy pals' after the divorce either.
The Romance Dying, which seems to happen fairly often in Urbanessa's life, is not an acceptable reason for divorce where there are minor children involved. That WOULD be selfish. If a child cannot have two Biological parents that love each other then the next best thing is two who will PUT ASIDE their personal issues and raise him/her as Mom and Dad anyway, and shielding him/her from any knowledge of your underlying dysfunctional relationship between one another. Then when the kids are grown and gone you two can indugle your 'lets take the easy road' syndrome and get divorced.
In this regards I must sound like Urbanessa - Americans are SO lazy, physically and mentally. They want to take the EASY road to and out of, everything. Instant Gratification, dont want to work at or labor for anything, dont want to wait for the fruits of ones labors......this one failing is the basis for so many of Americas faults....but I digress -
and you are divorced why? | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:33:30 PM | Bob, please take this as gentle advice meant to help -
If you keep having the same problem, there comes a time where you have to admit the problem isn't imaginary. More than half of the women you've dated see your ex as a threat? She probably is! I know you don't believe it, but honestly, why would all those women see the same thing, if it weren't (in some way) true?
It's like the guy who keeps getting fired. He thinks he's doing everything right, works hard, comes in early nearly everyday - but yet, he keeps getting canned. There comes a time when he has to admit to himself, that *he* is the problem. Otherwise why would all these different people see the same thing and react exactly the same way?
Best wishes ~ | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:58:42 PM | If you keep having the same problem, there comes a time where you have to admit the problem isn't imaginary. More than half of the women you've dated see your ex as a threat? She probably is! I know you don't believe it, but honestly, why would all those women see the same thing, if it weren't (in some way) true?
because most women see other women as a threat.sad,but true. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 2:06:50 PM | Wow that's a sad view of women you have passionandsong. I feel badly for you.
I do not see other women as a threat in my relationship, but then again, I have a strong relationship based on mutual respect. Many have never known such a relationship and have narrow views of the world and people.
I still say if a problem keeps happening over and over, the problem is you. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 2:12:19 PM | Wow that's a sad view of women you have passionandsong. I feel badly for you.
I do not see other women as a threat in my relationship, but then again, I have a strong relationship based on mutual respect. Many have never known such a relationship and have narrow views of the world and people.
I still say if a problem keeps happening over and over, the problem is you
i was actually surprized by how many women agreed with me.most men have little to no problem dating a seperated women.turn it around and there are very few women that would date a seperated man.why is this?because there is another women in the picture. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:12:18 PM | In this regards I must sound like Urbanessa - Americans are SO lazy, physically and mentally. They want to take the EASY road to and out of, everything. Instant Gratification, dont want to work at or labor for anything, dont want to wait for the fruits of ones labors......this one failing is the basis for so many of Americas faults....but I digress -
Hmmmm.....What an odd statement that is^^^ especially coming from a man who himself is divorced. Did you take the EASY way out too..... Shea? | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:07:54 PM | @passionandsong:
Oh I was just waiting for this question - I am just surprised it took this long for someone to bring it up.
First off, my comments you were responding to were directed at those who divorce and are still chummy with their ex's and claim the "chummy-ness" is for the sake of the children [ which is a load of rot ].
"I" am not chummy with my ex, so my comments would not apply to me anyway.
But to answer your question, she ran off with her coke dealer when my daughter was 3 and we never saw her again until she was arrested and jailed for abandonment 4 months later. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:21:18 PM | @Diana619
Diana you said
Hmmmm.....What an odd statement that is^^^ especially coming from a man who himself is divorced. Did you take the EASY way out too..... Shea?
Sigh x 1000. I really wish people would READ and COMPREHEND what was said to them.
My comments were not directed at those who are divorced Diana, they are directed at those who are DIVORCED and yet are still CHUMMY with the ex " for the sake of the children".
So why I am divorced would be relevant to this discussion, how? "I" am not chummy with my ex, I am not in contact with my ex, as it should be.
Again I'll ask :
To the Ex Collectors ( NOT to Regular Divorcees who break with the ex ):
How is it that you can find the self -discipline to get along NOW that you are divorced but could not locate the same wellspring of self-discipline BEFORE you got divorced? | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:40:37 PM | @passionandsong:
because most women see other women as a threat.sad,but true.
If another woman see's her as a threat, then she probably is.
Other women see other women as a threat Passion, because they ARE a threat. Hello??? Simple common sense tells you this. Occums Razor confirms it. The simplest explanation that fits all the facts with the least amount of assumptions is the correct one; ergo they are a threat.
YOUR explanation requires additional suppositions, variables, etc. and therefore moves it way out of the realm of statistical probability.
Thats like saying a duck views cats as a threat. Yes they do and there is good reason for it to.
Shea | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:41:48 PM | I wouldn't become involved with a man who was still close to his ex. Mostly because I can't work out the logistics.
Bob attends holidays and family events (memory makers) with his ex and adult children. Bob meets someone who attends holidays and family events with her ex and children. The exes now have spouses who may also have exes and they are attending holidays and family events with their exes. Throw in visits at one anothers homes and long telephone conversations with their exes and how the heck does anyone have time to build the memories and foundations of a new relationship?
I like things simple; one man, one woman, one relationship. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:27:18 AM | Women are ALWAYS going to view your ex as competition.
Women don't like you spending too much time w/ ANY other women besides themselves.
And ladies...if I'm incorrect about that statement, let me know.
But I never heard nor seen an instance where a guy spends as much time w/ another woman as his wife...where he wasn't called on the carpet about that time.
Whether there was "fire" where at that "smoke" was or not.
The ladies on here that say differently are either a rarities or are being dishonest. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:50:52 AM | | I'd say you need more understanding to the possible future women you will meet, could you say you would feel the same if your girlfriend was best friends with her long life ex - i dont think you would. Maybe you need to distance yourself from your ex and concentrate on the woman that you will meet and be with, even though its great you remain good friends with your ex and your kids are happy which is always the main priority. What will puzzle alot of people who read your story is that if you are so close to your ex then how come you're not together as a couple? I think if your ex was more understanding to the women you meet then she would back off and leave you build a life of your own that doesnt include her, you both appear to be hanging onto each other - why? I really think you are going to be having this problem with most the women you will contact........your situation with your ex is not common and in an ideal world this sort of thing just does not happen with ex's and unless you truely want to move on and meet someone else then you need to make some major changes otherwise no-one is going to want to get involved with you! | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:03:37 AM | WOW this thread went side wats fast. I am still friends with my Ex as I stated earlier.
Her fiancee and I get along fine. 30 + year long friends dont growon trees. We just could live with each other any more.
Our kids are not in the picture of our friendship because they are grown and have there own families to raise.
If you have a problem with the fact that some can still remain friends with there ex and feel the need to rigicule them, then who has the problem?
I do agree though that if the problem repeats over and over again you need to re-evaluate you situation . | |
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_JAFO_
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Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 242 | |
| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:43:32 AM | After reading alot of the posts to this thread I've decided that you don't necessarily want to get everyones' opinions. You, for whatever reason, feel confident that your "best friend" and you should continue down the road you're traveling. The thread you created was to "fish" for opinions from people with like thoughts. You want someone who will agree with you so your actions are validated.
I hear over and over again that the best way to ruin a first meeting is by talking about ones' ex.
... try living it daily. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:02:57 AM | Now why would any guy let a silly thing like boundaries get in the way of all his jolly be golly woggin in the ditch of bah bah bah hitching..... ?????????? Gees you poor son of some mother .... so all the women on POF can't handle your dynamite friendship with your ex wife ............. ah well don't let the door hit yah on the way in. My advice and this is extreme is to just go out and get a paid layed cause any gal with a modicum of respect and decency is not gonnah sell her soul to a guy who cannot give.
If you understand women you will understand that we are more attuned to communication and intuition than any guy will ever be, we can read between alot of lines and you are sending messages that have diddly squat to do with words and these women are not stupid they can read this whole deal for what it is.......... a charade. And any guy that does not wannna take his conquest back to his own cave to just watch and feel what is in front of him to want that essence alone and just rock and bloody roll with that .... WOMAN that you finally wooed and you are smelling how lucky and jumpin wonderful it is to be totally alive and in that moment with "her" ....... and get his groove on needs to grow a set of testo-babies so he can get freaky wid it and hold his own balls in his own grubbers and learn to enjoy his life ................... his way ...............man oh man alot of you guys need to grow the "f" up and down.... | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:10:58 AM | WOW this thread went side wats fast. I am still friends with my Ex as I stated earlier.
Her fiancee and I get along fine. 30 + year long friends dont grow on trees. We just could'nt live with each other any more.
Our kids are not in the picture of our friendship because they are grown and have there own families to raise.
If you have a problem with the fact that some can still remain friends with there ex and feel the need to rigicule them, then who has the problem?
I do agree though that if the problem repeats over and over again you need to re-evaluate you situation . | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:00:43 AM | If another woman see's her as a threat, then she probably is.
in this case she is not.most women found her as a threat.they couldnt seperate ex/and friends.no worries.i am not going to not be friends with any of my friends for someone i just met.luckily for me i found a wonderfull woman who understands that.if i didnt,i would be single.i was fine with that at the time.not because i am harboring an ex,because i wont throw away afriend for the benefit of a possible relationship.if said girl wishes me to do that,she is not fot me.i do however agree that my ex and i should have stuck to the conract we signed for the benefit of the children.unfortunately she never saw it that way.now i have 2 choices respect the decision and remain friends or chastise her for a decision i disagree with and close down comunacation.the second choice would be a detriment to my children,not to mention..i just might have been incorrect . | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:19:59 AM | I didn't read 10 pages of this thread. I'll just offer my personal observation. I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with a woman who considered her X to be her best friend. The best she could be to me is a friend, and I'd look for romance from a woman who is more emotionally available and had more time for me. The X isn't necessarily "competition", rather I'm more non-plussed by her current decision-making process of wanting and/or needing to spend so much time with that X. That's an indication to me that she really isn't available to have a new romantic interest. You can't eat your cake and have it too.
So I don't find any fault in women who wouldn't want to develop a romantic interest for a guy like the OP. Nothing personal OP, but I don't think you are ready to get romantically involved with another woman until you can give that woman at least equal or more time than you are spending with the X. Definitely don't tell any new love interests that your X is your "best friend". I'd come up with a better way to describe your involvement with her. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:29:41 AM | | Everything you said sound healthy and normal, but referring to her as your best friend does not sound healthy or boundaried. Maybe you should jsut watch your language and if the newbie flees, she wasn't secure enough to date you and handle your modern family. | |
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_JAFO_
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Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 249 | |
| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:42:16 AM | Bikeman (MSG. 246) ^^^ just expressed exactly what I was thinking. Why in the world would anyone want to get involved with someone who apparently not only thrives on his ex but boasts that said ex is their "best friend." I've found through observation that in a divorce, the person who didn't want the divorce ends up being "best friends" with the one who did want the divorce--if allowed. The one who DID want the divorce has long since moved on and has settled into a new relationship/lifestyle while the unwilling party continues to struggle and rely on the old partner for decisions and advise as if the relationship has never changed.
Get a clue. THE RELATIONSHIP HAS CHANGED. | |
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| Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 11:15:11 AM | Hypertech2 says:
WOW this thread went side wats fast. I am still friends with my Ex as I stated earlier. Her fiancee and I get along fine. 30 + year long friends dont growon trees. We just could live with each other any more.
Our kids are not in the picture of our friendship because they are grown and have there own families to raise.
Ok Hype, so tell us HOW it is you can find the discipline to get along now that your names are not on a marriage certificate but couldnt do so when your names were?
This still boils down to SELF DISCIPLINE ( or lack of it to be more precise ). If things are at the level to where you can be bussom buddies AFTER you are divorced ( meaning there was nothing catastrophic in the reasons for your divorce ) then simple logic dictates that you could have done the same thing BEFORE your divorce with the application of a little SELF CONTROL.
No?
I do agree though that if the problem repeats over and over again you need to re-evaluate you situation .
Well at least we agree on something. A 'single' instance of this in your life can be overlooked of course and probably does not indicate anything, but if this is your lifestyle, like the Cosmpolitan and Learned Urbanessa, then a person has a problem whether they recognize it or not.
My comments in this thread are directed more at those who have a TRAIN of EX's from failed relationships in their lives, not necessarily someone that this has happened to once - altho the OP is an exception, it is plainly obvious (as all the mental stable posters have observed), that he is still in love with his EX and that the fears of the new women he dates are MORE than justified.
Shea | |
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