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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Name Changes... How fair is THAT??      Home login  
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 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 26
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Jenn, I've been in the same boat for years. When our daughter was born her father insisted on her having his last name, and being young at the time, I compromised and gave in. We broke up when she was just a few months old and he hasn't seen her since (his choice). My daughter is almost 11 now and I've never legally changed her name.

Now, that's not to say she actually GOES by his last name. While legally she uses it, she actually goes by mine. The only time this is really an issue is when she needs something medically. The school has an option for legal names and preferred names nowadays, so they refer to her by my last name (as she prefers it).

I feel when she turns 18 and if she wants to legally change her last name to mine, then I'll even pay to do so, but until then, I don't feel I have the right to make that decision for her.

For those who say it's irritating to be called by your ex's name, I really don't see it as that big of a deal. The only ones who do it are the people who don't actually know you (perhaps I'm just used to people calling me something not my name because my last name is actually quite difficult for people to pronounce). It's not that hard to simply correct them. I've yet to meet a person who isn't apologetic when you point out your actual name.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 27
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 6/22/2011 4:52:49 AM
Your brother sounds as though he's concerned about appearances of power, and that your daughter keeping her father's name, somehow implies that the father was a good guy, when he thinks that he wasn't.

Those are legitimate concerns to THINK about, but using your daughter as a proxy to fight them through is wrong. Your concern about the school administration MAYBE having some confusions because your and her last names are different has SOME validity, but since this world is full of divorced people and adopted children, I doubt it's that big a deal.

your daughter carries both the DNA and the name that her parents gave her. I wouldn't change it, unless there are legal reasons that come up that make it necessary, or unless SHE reaches the point where SHE wants to change it.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 28
Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 6/22/2011 11:25:16 AM
Jenn8131: If the father is completely out of the picture go ahead and change her name to match yours. I don't see any benefit of having a different last name, and plenty for having the same...
 jenn8131
Joined: 5/26/2011
Msg: 29
Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 6/22/2011 12:28:18 PM

Your brother sounds as though he's concerned about appearances of power, and that your daughter keeping her father's name, somehow implies that the father was a good guy, when he thinks that he wasn't.


I think you hit it right on the nail. My brother can't stand the thought of my ex having anything to do with our daughter. My brother is actually the legal guardian of my daughter if anything happens to me. I have often fought with my brother about not reporting my ex for not paying child support and its become an issue we don't discuss anymore.

I worry that if i attempted to change the name that would just throw fuel into the fire pit and i really am so past the wanting to fight anymore. For my ex its important that our daughter has his last name because she's a possession. To me I think her last name just sounds nicer than mine. Plus as you said its her name and I did pick her first and middle name. It bothered me when we first broke up but really doesn't anymore.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 30
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 6/22/2011 4:17:24 PM
Just because she may legally have her father's last name doesn't necessarily mean she can't be known by your last name if you choose. Schools recognize that many children nowadays go by names other than what their legal name is and they will call your child by his/her preferred name. As someone who works in the education system and as the parent of a child whose preferred name is not her birth name, I know this. Maybe it used to be that the school would call and refer to you by the wrong last name, but that is rarely the case now. All children and their contact information are in a computerized system. There is a a space for legal name and preferred name in that system. It also lists their contact info and parents'/guardians' names. Fact is, and I've been dealing with this for more than 10 years, the cases of being referred to by your ex's name are few and far between. Is it really that difficult to correct people on the rare occassion it happens?

In the end, it's the CHILD'S name, and should be up to the CHILD (when old enough) to determine for themselves if they want to legally change it.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 31
Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 6/22/2011 5:51:55 PM
My question would be, why your brother is in YOUR business!!
Is he paying for his nieces care? If not then it's none of his dayum business why you make the choices you do.
I used my step dads last name all through school without ever changing it legally because it was easier to pronounce and never had a problem.
 countryshorty31
Joined: 6/20/2011
Msg: 32
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 7/6/2011 4:54:12 PM
So let me get this straight: If my daughter wanted to use my last name instead of her legal one in school, she could? And how would that work with letters home and report cards? Would it have the legal name or mine? This is very interesting and I think my daughter will be very happy to hear this.

Luckily, with my soon-to-be newborn baby boy, I am not putting a father's name on the birth certificate. So hopefully I won't have to deal with the sperm donor at all if I want to leave the country or whatever.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 33
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 7/6/2011 6:07:03 PM

So let me get this straight: If my daughter wanted to use my last name instead of her legal one in school, she could?
Yep. My daughter is going into grade 6 and has always gone by my last name in school despite the fact it's not her legal name. When you register students you need to put their legal name on the forms, but there's also a place for "preferred name" -- the school will go by preferred name if it's different than the legal name (In BC at least). Her report cards, etc... all come with her preferred name on them, not her legal name. Of course it may be different in other provinces/states, but in BC, I know this is true because we've done it for the last 6 years.
Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 7/6/2011 7:22:31 PM

I am not putting a father's name on the birth certificate. So hopefully I won't have to deal with the sperm donor at all if I want to leave the country or whatever


And what does the father think about this? Does he know the child is his?

I would be absolutely livid if I was ever in that scenario. Thank goodness I never will be.
 countryshorty31
Joined: 6/20/2011
Msg: 35
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Name Changes... How fair is THAT??
Posted: 7/8/2011 9:45:46 AM
Thanks Barefootkitten. I'll talk to my daughter about it and see if that's what she wants to do.

Thatusernameistaken: The last I heard from the sperm donor, I had told him about the baby. He said he would "do the right thing", whatever he meant by that. Then he disappeared. I don't know how to contact him or find him. I would never have a baby and not tell the father. If he wanted to be part of the baby's life, I'd let him. But given the circumstances, it will be on my terms. Unless he brings the courts into it. And in that case, I'll be seeking child support.
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