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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?      Home login  
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 anjula
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 276
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?Page 12 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Well I have had the same happen to me by my ex husband just got up for work one morning said Goodbye said I LOVE YOU and never came back, ignored my tearful calls and my texts begging him to just let me know he was ok (stupidly I thought he was in an accident or something) This happened in May I joined POF not so long ago because I am a survivor and cannot fall into the depths of depression. I was wary because I have done the internet dating game before and found a lot ot timewasters and thrill seekers on the sites, and because of what my husband had done was I going to be too brittle and fragile at the moment for this. Well got talking to somebody on Tuesday lovely guy who said did I fancy meeting up. I felt sick to my stomach and he also said he was nervous. He was on holiday for 2 weeks and what was I up to. Well I decided to make a date for this Sunday, what I am really referring to here is the getting caught up in the moment scenario I wanted to delay the meeting to see if either of us did chicken out. Well Hey presto his profile has disappeared and all the messages he sent to me lol. I did tell him I am a very forgiving person so he really didn't have to remove his profile or did he just visit for the day? I will admit to having second thoughts myself but I was going to see how I felt by Friday, at which point I would have emailed him to tell the truth I had chickened out. A bit drastic to remove your profile isn't it? Yes I am smiling he didn't get far enough to hurt me but I do allow for the fact he was nervous , so a word of warning don't get caught up in the moment and make promises you won't keep! It all makes for an easier life on here
 BIGTOMTLT
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 277
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:27:53 AM
HELLO KAREN LET GO OF THIS GUY FROM OVER 2 YEARS AGO. IF YOU DON'T YOU MAY BECOME DEPRESSED THINKING IT WAS YOU AND NOT HIM. YOU SEEM LIKE A WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT ANY GOOD MAN WOULD BE L,UCKY TO HAVE AS A FRIEND, LOVER, PARTNER IN LIFE SO GO FIND YOUR TRUE LOVE NOT WHAT MAY HAVE BEEN. GOD L.UCK DEAR. BIG TOM
 jamesb991999
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 278
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/28/2008 1:26:59 AM
Well I have to admit when people aren't 100% compatible it's very hard to always be honest, although I think I always try to be. In life or on here I try to be nice to everybody and treat them how I would want to be treated - but it's never that easy. I always try to tell people what my real thoughts are though but do know a lot of men that wouldn't have the gut to tell a woman - which is strange as these are the same men who have the balls to do anything when dared in a pub. I also think about 98% of the men on this site are in relationships/ married but pretend not to be which is something you should all take in to consideration before giving away too much of yourself and being hurt - I also think a lot of men on here seem to just be after sex and nothing else.

Personally it's very hard to tell somebody you don't fancy them because they are not what you are looking for - particularly if it's down to a physical trait = a good example was when I was managing a team of people a few years ago and my director asked me to have a word with a member of staff about a body odour problem she had.... It's not easy, and the thought is always there at the back of your mind "should I be direct?". I've always prided myself on honesty so personally will always try and be honest - but even though I will do it - it's never an easy task... and at the back of your mind you are always thinking to yourself "I don't want to hurt this person". Personally all I want off here is somebody to love and hopefully have a long term relationship with, however there are a lot of people on here who just want to play games I think.

Getting up and just dissapearing from a "proper" relationship is a totally different thing though and I hope that I don't know anybody who would do that. If they haven't got the guts to actually sit and speak it out with somebody they must have cared about at some point then they are no more than worms. People who just up and leave kids are even worse - and I hope they all get their commupance; they are for life.
 Orphan girl
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 279
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/28/2008 3:40:34 AM
Yes, it happened to me about 6 mos ago. I was very angry. I was so angry that I couldn't go to the source that I took it out on others around me. I had outbursts when triggered.
I would overreact so that it frightened me so much that I went to see a psychiatrist.The psychiatrist said I was fine and he was right I was fine after that. I decided that I had learned my lesson though about getting involved in a relationship too quickly or maybe about dating at all. It wasn't not an isolated incident; i had been dumped 3 or 4 months earlier and ditched a month or two later. So, I was so angry~focussed on my job and other aspects of my life for 5 or 6 mos. and just stopped dating.
 Suzdoos4U
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 280
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:24:54 AM
I can totally relate to how you feel, as this has happened to me.
As for me and how I feel about my self is that I am a woman of strength. I am a kind, thoughtful person and would never do that to someone. My point of view is that the person who did the disappearing act has no guts or should I say...B_ _LS to let the person know that it is not going to work out for one reason or another.
Tell me this..........Would you really want to be with a person that does not have a backbone?????????? Best of luck in your search!
 daisymoon
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 281
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/28/2008 12:59:49 PM
Sorry that I didn't read every post... but I love what Suzdoo has to say about a person that does not have a backbone! I just need to vent. Talked w/a guy from POF online Friday night... on the phone Saturday. We seemed to click and decided to meet last night. Yeah, I know, kind of quick... but why waste time? I got there first, he came in and sat with me... we had a couple of beers and seemed to be hitting it off. He got a call from his buddy to come and get him - he was supposed to join us later - so he said that he'd be back in 20 minutes. (no, I am not usually this gullible!!)) He gave me a great kiss goodbye. Well, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him - saying "You're going to hate me. I'm a coward. You're just not my type. But we can still talk and be friends." Ugh. I am still pissed - that I got played that way and that he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face that I'm not his type. And yes, I'm glad that I found out what kind of person he is before it was too late!!!
 jamesb991999
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 282
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/28/2008 3:29:10 PM
That is bad - you see that's gutless - but as previously said - you are better off without that person if they treat you like that at the outset :-) good luck in the dating though - I'm sure you will do a lot better than him :-)
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 283
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/29/2008 3:44:53 PM

Personally it's very hard to tell somebody you don't fancy them because they are not what you are looking for - particularly if it's down to a physical trait = a good example was when I was managing a team of people a few years ago and my director asked me to have a word with a member of staff about a body odour problem she had.... It's not easy, and the thought is always there at the back of your mind "should I be direct?". I've always prided myself on honesty so personally will always try and be honest - but even though I will do it - it's never an easy task... and at the back of your mind you are always thinking to yourself "I don't want to hurt this person". Personally all I want off here is somebody to love and hopefully have a long term relationship with, however there are a lot of people on here who just want to play games I think.


I think it's ok to be tactfully honest with a person if you don't think they are right for you. Just don't wait until AFTER you have slept together.
 tayl0rd
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 284
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/29/2008 3:56:19 PM
Why not? That might be the one major thing that makes them not right for you.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 285
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/29/2008 9:45:35 PM
Why not? That might be the one major thing that makes them not right for you.

I'm guessing you mean't this tongue in cheek, however,
If you are basing your decision to stay with a woman solely upon how good they look naked or their skills in bed I would venture to guess that you don't really give a rat's azz about her to begin with. Everyone knows how to copulate - it's not exactly rocket science so if that is a man's only litmus test in continuing a relationship with a good woman, it's pretty sad. Even the mentally handicapped can figure out how to get themselves off. I think it's just a phoney excuse for men "Well she's not as good as Jenna Jameson" syndrome. Other times a man will judge a woman for knowing more than him when it comes to sex and then the sad ego crushing reality that maybe he's not her first. ......and gosh, why would you want to stay with a woman who's been around the block more than you?
 youthfulredhead
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 286
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/30/2008 6:34:56 AM
Okay, I am assuming that this guy did the disappearing act after you had already met. Well, my experience has been that guys are doing that before ever meeting me. Has that ever happened to anyone else? It is really bizarre and I think it hurts even more than if I had met these guys. I mean they aren't even giving me a chance. The most recent one exchanged emails with me for a few days, and then all of a sudden, a couple days went by without hearing from him, so I emailed him to find out what was up. He said he had stayed over his parents house because he lost power due to the ice storm. So, okay, I bought that, cause a lot of people lost power. Then he got sick and is still sick (supposedly) now. But not so sick that he doesn't have the strength to get out of bed to check emails and add photos, but not answer my emails. He told me that he was very interested in meeting me, but he wanted to take things slow and he didn't feel up to the 2 plus hour drive down here to see me cause his stomach was rough. He kept assuring me that he was a nice guy. I wrote to him and told him that I was not trying to be pushy, but if he could read my emails, why wasn't he responding? Was he talking to someone else that lived closer? Well, seems he didn't even read that one, but just deleted it. I don't get it. This type of thing happens over and over. But usually it's with someone that I only get two or three quick emails from. What am I doing wrong?
 Angel08618
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 287
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:15:06 AM
This happened to me recently. We met and had great conversation. He asked me out for the next date. Had a great time at the date and the subsequent date. Then, nothing.
I know that things come up and life gets busy. But not contacting a person or returning an IM is just rude.
How about letting someone know what's going on? If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd let you know!

I'm old enough to handle the truth. Not a match, fine. Let me know. Don't disappear, especially after we've had a few good dates together.

I'm not a clingy person, but I would like to know what's going on. Perhaps if it's a personality flaw, it's something I could work on.

I like to take the "it's not me, it's them" road.
 Xmiss_angelX
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 288
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:48:04 AM
OP....I am not ashamed to admit that this has happened to me too many times....who knows why exactly we can sit here all day and ponder and still never really know. Try to email or text them ask only once and if no response let it go dont keep trying to contact them just walk away cause why would you want someone anyways that thinks you are not at least worth the same effort.
 tayl0rd
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 289
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/30/2008 11:53:37 AM

Everyone knows how to copulate - it's not exactly rocket science ...


I have an ex that can disprove that statement.

And I wasn't really joking when I made my statement. Said ex of mine is the perfect example. Almost everything else was great between us. The sex, on the other hand, was absolutely godawful! We endured a 4 year relationship, but that one crucial thing kept me from ever "crossing over" to have that deep connection with her. Put it this way, it was so bad that I didn't even want to have any kind of sexual relations with her. How many guys do you know don't want to have sex when in a relationship??

So back atcha.
 brightestblue
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 290
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:34:37 PM
Ugh. I think this has just happened to me. I'm not counting the online disappearing acts, because in the course a few months, they happen all too often. I'm not even counting the first dates that seemingly went well, and then poof! nothing. Although I'm probably just as guilty on that score because I just didn't feel there was enough there to warrant a follow-up.

However, a few weeks ago, I finally met a guy I really liked, we had one date, then texted and phoned quite a bit over the holidays. I haven't felt mutual chemistry like that in years, if ever. He was all about meeting again once I got back into town. So, when I got back in last night, I left him a message saying I was back, and to let me know when he had time, since his schedule is less flexible than mine right now. No response. I wasn't too worried, since we hadn't been communicating constantly anyway. But by noon today, I hadn't heard anything, not even anything to say he was too busy at the moment. So, I sent an unrelated text, but left it open-ended, something any reasonably polite friend would reply to within a few hours at least.

Nothing.

I'm trying not to feel too hurt. It's not like I really knew him, after all. I guess it's the mixed messages that are puzzling. When I last (and first, actually, lol) saw him, he was openly appreciative and seemed really into me. The follow-up was enthusiastic too. My last communication from him was all about how excited he was to see me again, and when would I be back in town?

So, what happened? I'm trying not to overthink it. Most likely, he's got something else going on. He's a cute, outgoing guy, sings for a local band, and I'm pretty sure he never lacks for female company. Or he might have been in an accident, or there was a family emergency, although I'll have a little more trouble believing that at this point. Or was a voicemail (which he seemed to expect) AND a very short text from me in 24 hours just too much?

Even though I haven't read all pages of this thread, I get the sense that quite a few of us have been hurt in the past, and when we finally get up the courage to put ourselves out there again, well, we get hurt again, even if it's in a smaller way.

I'm determined that this tiny experience won't upset me too much. Sure, I might shed a tear or three (mainly because I've been known to cry over the grand opening of a Wal-Mart), but I certainly won't let it reflect on my self-worth, and just as importantly, I won't let it affect the way I feel about men, because I like them quite a bit, generally, lol.

Onward and upward, fishies!
 night4me
Joined: 12/1/2008
Msg: 291
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/31/2008 12:37:16 PM
I actually felt like I did or said something wrong he was a great guy I really did enjoy his company I have no regrets would of loved the aportunity to get to know him better.I know we had alot in common.Maybe he just isnt sure yet of how he fills.its been 3 days I did sent him a email let him know how i felt .Havent heard anything yet and if I dont well hi missed out on a great gal I wish him well I will say i feel dissapointed but i have no regrets enjoyd his company for those couple of hours and I know he enjoyd mine.But life must go on he will remain in my memory he was verry hansom happy that I had the aportunity to meet him .When you dont have expectations you have no regrets He was the best kisser i have ever kissed oooooh.
 nigelwright
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 292
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 12/31/2008 1:40:17 PM
If someone disappears for the first time unexpectedly then that is quite a shock and they should have said why they were going.

With my ex wife after she disappeared twice and returned I told her not to come back the next time and she didnt !

The disappearing act is just a game to try to control someone.
It certainly didnt work on me after I realsied what was going on.
 hunter5859
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 293
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History
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/6/2009 3:08:47 PM
Your PROILE WAS AWESOME ... You are INSPIRING... If you only lived near PA.. Your links... asperations... comments... I poke every where... I am an artist and reading throught your links gave me suggestions on how to handle my own situations here.. I could not submit you an email .. when I found you here I couldn't resist... My name is colleen... I would love to chat with you ... maybe you have better luck contacting me... or you can use this address... hunterscorner@yahoo.com

When I appreciate an inspiring profile, comment, gesture, I follow through with a remark if i'm able to... You have grabbed my attention.. honey>>>>>>>>>>>
colleen
 hunter5859
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 294
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/6/2009 3:18:35 PM
I made the biggest MISTAKE OF A LIFE TIME.. I'M FEELING IT... I had found a female here.. through a 3rd party and received the address to write this PenPal who is
INCARCERATED THROUGH HERE. She mentioned for me to keep the letters to ourselves... Our correspondances have been through writing letters... I had emailed the 3rd party through Plenty asking an innocent question.... to no avail.. This person sent the email to my PenPal... DAMN......... I FELT HORRIBLE....... WE NO LONGER COMMUNICATE.... WHAT A SHAME.. SHE WILL NOT LISTEN AT ALL.. She was just about to contact me by phone... THERE SHOULD BE 3RD PARTY ETHICS...
 ooobaby77
Joined: 8/20/2007
Msg: 295
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/6/2009 7:00:34 PM
I have met a few spineless jelly fishes, but I never had anyone do the hundini on me!! For people to act so cowardly like that you are far better off without them. It has nothing to do with the person they are running and hiding from, it's their own sick dillutional issues and people like that live LONELY lives man~~ Sucks to be them....

O and if I did have a coward do that to me I wouldn't cry over it, hell no!!! I'd flipping count my blessings man!!! LOL
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 296
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:01:00 AM

(Msg 285) If you are basing your decision to stay with a woman solely upon how good they look naked or their skills in bed I would venture to guess that you don't really give a rat's azz about her to begin with. Everyone knows how to copulate - it's not exactly rocket science so if that is a man's only litmus test in continuing a relationship with a good woman, it's pretty sad.


It's not that sex is the only reason. It's that it's a very important part of a relationship. Also, it's not just a matter of knowing how. It's a matter of wanting to.

In msg 283 you wrote,
I think it's ok to be tactfully honest with a person if you don't think they are right for you. Just don't wait until AFTER you have slept together.


One has to determine compatibility in that area because they have no option. Let's say a person likes skiing and is seeking a partner who enjoys that, as well. If the partner stops skiing the person can still go skiing and chat with other skiers. The same applies to almost all other areas of compatibility except sex. If a couple are to be faithful to each other then sexual compatibility is a must.

It never fails to amuse me when I hear people say sex is not at the top of their list or not a priority or some other comment meant to devalue the importance of sex. One can bet if they found out their partner had an affair sex would immediately be front and center. It would not only top their list but would become the focal point of their entire life.

When folks ask themselves how important sex is they should be asking how important fidelity is. How important faithfulness is. If those things are not important then one can say sex isn't important. If those things are not at the top of their list when seeking a partner then they can honestly say sex is not at the top of their list.

As to the OP's question,
I know there are many other threads on this topic but I just wanted you to share how you felt when you realized the disappearing act has happened.


After the first time I realized the best precaution is to get information about them. Far too often the dumpee knows little about the dumper. "I don't know where he lives." "I have a difficult time getting a hold of him on the phone." "He's frequently out of town."

People who tend to disappear do not divulge info so you will have difficulty contacting them. It's a version of the "go slow" charade played by both sexes. They don't have feelings for the other person because if they did they wouldn't be going slow.
 jackygirl27
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 297
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/8/2009 4:40:55 AM
You explained it very well and short an sweet.Recently had it happen too though we didnt just talk or one date.Chatted everyday on msn several dates over period of 4 months.Slept with each other ,everytime we were together great chemistry.We really connected on all levels then out of the blue,GONE its now been 4 months and like you have said still going through the stages,wondering why,emailing him and no reply,sadness,anger.Im hoping for soon the feeling of how lucky i am that he did this and that i am better off.Tell me it comes.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 298
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/8/2009 6:03:14 AM
Just tell them don't let the door hit them in the a** and don't come back cause the other "sweetie" no longer wants him
 Jenna for today
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 299
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/8/2009 10:36:21 AM
yes, yes and yes. I just met a guy that i dated 2 times within 4 days and he was calling me 3-4x a day and emailing....THEN POOF. Nothing...just gone. It bothered me a bit as i thought he was a decent guy and even a simple email saying "i met someone else" would have been great. This is online dating and i know that most men have 3-4 women going at once...but the courtesy of even an email would have been cool. Especially that the guy was 45!!!!! When do we start to have some common courtesy??
Dont get upset or even spend 5 minutes on it. I say...NEXT!!!! Seriously, if they dont call back or email...i wont email or call or ask why??? Truthfully - who cares??? It just means that you found out he was an a## really soon.
Get back out there and be prepared...it may happen again....

Enjoy the process and dont take it too seriously...it makes this whole dating thing so much more fun!!!
 jackygirl27
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 300
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/8/2009 6:01:00 PM
Thanks for the advice all.The common courtesy must never come with people like this cause mine was 53.
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