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 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 51
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?Page 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
When this happens after one or two dates....no biggie.
When it happens after seeing someone for several months and developing some real feelings and trust toward them...that sucks. Makes you feel like a piece of shit, not even worth the few minutes of the other persons time to respond and say it's just not working for them.


I agree that the disappearing act is worse after dating for several months, but it is still rude to disappear after 1-2 dates. If you went out with a person at least once, then there was at least some initial interest. I would rather have a woman tell me that "we're not a match" than just ignore me. I don't need a detailed explanation.
 passionandsong
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 52
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:43:12 AM
i would rather them just stop talking then give me a 3hour its not you its me chat.no worries,dont need an explenation.next.
 Jayderaven
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 53
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:58:55 AM

It's so easy to say, "Don't take it personally... you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway... be glad you found out early..." but really, I think it's only human to feel disappointed and rejected. I've never had a guy vanish in the middle of a date, or arrange to meet and then stand me up, but I've had a couple of occasions where I was fairly interested in a guy, and we hung out a couple of times, and he up and vanished. Sure, the whole "you're not their type" thing comes up as a possibility, but it probably doesn't stop you from wondering *why* you're not their type.


Very true... and there are situations where it wasn't early - mine was a serious relationship that we had both invested nearly a year in. I still don't know what the hell happened. It is hard to shrug your shoulders and walk away from that - it's been months and I still wonder "WTH?"
I have ideas (he realized he couldn't move and instead of facing me and telling me that, he chose the coward way out - being in KY, ten hours away, not like I can knock on his door & ask him why - I'm not driving ten hours to do that, either! Or there was someone else, etc).
But I don't know - it definitely sits in the back of your mind for a long time.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 54
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:10:19 PM
Disappearing Act?
Is THAT what's going on...OMG what a relief. I thought I was misplacing them...
Cindy O
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 55
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:32:20 PM

Disappearing Act?
Is THAT what's going on...OMG what a relief. I thought I was misplacing them...
Cindy O


Cindy, didn't your mama tell you to always put things back where you found them?

One friend had such a run of disappearing men that she started saying, "Wow, ANOTHER one who got hit by a bus!" It always made me laugh, but maybe it's a better way to deal with the mystery than to agonize over every last possible why. They are, in effect, dead and gone...or should be. (Mentally, that is; I'm not advocating death for cowards--for one thing, they die enough little deaths anyhow from lack of courage.)

--Ms. Flis
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 56
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:56:20 PM
(Mentally, that is; I'm not advocating death for cowards--for one thing, they die enough little deaths anyhow from lack of courage.)


" Of all the wonders I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange;that men fear death, a necessary evil, will come when it will come. Cowards die many times before their death, the valiant taste of death but once."
William Shakespeare-Julius CÆsar
Cindy O
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 57
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:03:31 PM

When it happens after seeing someone for several months and developing some real feelings and trust toward them...that sucks. Makes you feel like a piece of shit, not even worth the few minutes of the other persons time to respond and say it's just not working for them.


I had someone move from 6 hours away to about an hour away so we could be closer to each other. She dumped me by email and explained it all away as "just an internet relationship". She knew it was crap and I knew it was crap but it made a good excuse for her friends.

I chalk it up as a learning experience.
 passionandsong
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 58
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:18:39 PM
had someone move from 6 hours away to about an hour away so we could be closer to each other. She dumped me by email and explained it all away as "just an internet relationship". She knew it was crap and I knew it was crap but it made a good excuse for her friends.

I chalk it up as a learning experience.

which somebody else will call"being jaded"eventually.
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 59
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:21:08 PM

which somebody else will call"being jaded"eventually.


That's why I stopped after calling it a learning experience. I'm the one thinking I'm jaded because I can't really figure out what lesson I took away from it.
 passionandsong
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 60
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:29:57 PM
That's why I stopped after calling it a learning experience. I'm the one thinking I'm jaded because I can't really figure out what lesson I took away from it.

there isnt a lesson.exept that you move on and thank your lucky stars she bowed out when she did rather then 10 years later.
 PEPPERALEXANDRIA
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 61
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:49:58 PM
The people that do this, are emotional predators.. They know people are lonely and they take advantage of the dating sites. It has happened too many times. The sites make it easy for them. Other wise they have to go to bars or lurking in alley ways. They are emotions cripples, cowards , and just Losers........ It will come back on them 100% BUT they will be too Dumb to realize why.
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 62
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 1:58:47 PM

The people that do this, are emotional predators.


I wouldn't call my ex an emotional predator. Emotionally stunted would be a better description. She's looking for an ideal that doesn't exist. However there were plenty of warning signs that I chose to ignore.
 blast7
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 63
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 3:09:25 PM
I can usually tell by the vibe I get from a woman if a second (or 3rd, 4th, whatever) date is going to happen. However, it occurred to me that guys have it much easier. There aren't as many women players out there as there are guys so we rarely come across this phenomenon (at least I personally haven't). I can see how a woman might be lured by a player into thinking things are great, then she sleeps with him and he disappears. Total scum bag behavior, but I can see how this would happen to women more often that men.

However, if you didn't sleep with the guy then I'd say lighten up a bit and don't take it so personally. It's really hard to tell someone that you know likes you that you just aren't into them. Granted, it's pretty chicken-bleep to do this, but I can understand how that happens. So I would say try to tune your radar a bit so that you can get a better read on the guy in the first or second date.

Possibly you are not seeing signs that would let you know what he's really thinking/feeling?



 blast7
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 64
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 3:11:47 PM
I wouldn't call my ex an emotional predator. Emotionally stunted would be a better description. She's looking for an ideal that doesn't exist. However there were plenty of warning signs that I chose to ignore.


Isn't that how it seems to work? I can look back at my failed relationships and see the red flags clear as day now. In reality I did see them then but chose to ignore them in order to be in a relationship. DOH!!



 BxCutie0416
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 65
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 3:48:56 PM
Thanks everybody for all your responses and sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am surprised this thread got this far considering it was one vote away from being deleted when I started it. I am mainly talking about disappearances months into the dating relationship, although I think it is rude to also disappear after just a couple of dates as well, but with just a couple of dates it is a bit easier to deal with.
 blast7
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 66
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:02:44 PM

Thanks everybody for all your responses and sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am surprised this thread got this far considering it was one vote away from being deleted when I started it. I am mainly talking about disappearances months into the dating relationship, although I think it is rude to also disappear after just a couple of dates as well, but with just a couple of dates it is a bit easier to deal with.



Wow!!!! You've dated guys for months and had them disappear? And this has happened multiple times! My heart goes out to you.... that just sounds like plain bad luck. Well, at least you know those guys will be facing some karmic retribution in the future.

hehehe i said Karmic Retribution, what a great title for a song! Can you guess what kind of music I like

 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 67
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:16:07 PM
I had a lover (Tony) of 4 years who was killed instantly in a car crash in 2001. It nearly destroyed me - that I didn't get to say good bye to him...so I can relate. It hurts...a lot. My heart goes out to you OP. xoxo
 Golconda
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 68
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:17:01 PM

I am mainly talking about disappearances months into the dating relationship


If someone does the disappearing act after months in a relationship, there is something seriously wrong with the communication between them. The person who disappears is obviously unhappy or bored with the situation and wants to move on but is afraid to tell the other person how he/she feels.
 MeNmyshadow
Joined: 12/16/2006
Msg: 69
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:34:59 PM
That happened to me after not dating for 18 months. I met this guy, we went on several dates and I finally started to have feelings for him, suddenly he is MIA. I wound up bumping into him with his ex girlfriend. He hurt my feelings and fortunately, for his sake all I did was throw my drink on him and I let him know a real man would've been honest. Truthfully, it made me feel better.
 passionandsong
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 70
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:47:27 PM
I had a lover (Tony) of 4 years who was killed instantly in a car crash in 2001. It nearly destroyed me - that I didn't get to say good bye to him...so I can relate. It hurts...a lot. My heart goes out to you OP. xoxo

as i have heard from many a girl"you are very sweet".cheers.
 hotgirl1268
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 71
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:03:58 PM
Well I am glad I am NOT the only one this happens to....... I was seeing this guy for 2 months from POF and he was a wonderful guy, he does have a lot of back problems and is in a lot of pain!!! So now he just wants to be left alone and he doesnt want his friends or family around him.... told me that he will still keep in touch but wont answer the phone, texts or emails from me! He does read them from here but NO answers back.... I think men and women should grow up and let the others know if you are NOT interested it is better than you thinking you did something wrong or there is something wrong with you!!! Closure is good, i think we should all get that at least....
 Mulva
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 72
Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:13:08 PM
You have a good attitude, Jade60x

This guy pulled the disappearing act on me and I didn't really care. He's either married or a nutjob
 gagirl74
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 73
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:22:45 PM
I didn't actually go on the date. During the day on the night we were to go out, he left me an e-mail saying he wouldn't be able to meet me...He had my cell number and could have called instead leaving an email. I emailed him back and asked if everything was ok. I didn't get a response and I was not calling him...Lessons learned...Better than getting stood up at the meeting place.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 74
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:24:11 PM
Now, if a guy "disappears" after an involvement of several months, that's a little different. I guess if he doesn't live at your house(or neighborhood)and you don't see him in the course of other activities, there isn't much you can do. And yeah, unfortunately the presence of such inventions as the internet, the telephone, cars and planes, it IS quite easy for somebody to cheat on a spouse or SO for quite awhile before getting caught( or scared of getting caught)
OP if this is happening to you A LOT, you might want to sit down and re evaluate how you are going about this dating thing, and one thing I'd suggest is stepping up whatever means you use to determine that the guy is not married or in a committed relationship. Or if there seems to be a recurring pattern or "benchmark" where the disappearance occurs.
Cindy O
 chinchilla25
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 75
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Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:26:54 PM
I've never had a guy disappear after a long time. I did have one disappear very soon after first contact. He said he was a "Knight' in shining armor. I actually was contacted by him twice. Once on another site and then again here. He wrote marvelous and long poetry which he said was composed for only me. Then - gone.
The scond time he contacted me, I told him that he had done it before and he said it must have been an intense atraction. He called me, gave me his regular e-mail, which was similar to the first one and had the word Knight in it both times. He called me and after a long conversation told me that he was now going to remove his profile because I was the perfect one for him. It was near Christmas and he said he was involved in wrappping presents for poor kids, but would call when he was done. The next day, after no call, he said that there were more presents than he had expected and he was up all night. Then he was to call me and we were to meet. He was from a city about a 90 minute drive from me. Then nothing. I sent one e-mail, and nothing. Then his profile was deleted and the e-mail account was returned to me. So this "Knight" was a fraud. I was wary the second time, but his reasons seemed plausible. He even sent me a photo, the same one each time. No photo on his profile. Having little invested in this guy, I really don't care except that I am sure he does this frequently. If the disappearing act was after a long time, I can understand why someone could be very hurt from this. Why do people do these things? I sure wish I knew. How can you tell ahead of time that someone will do this? No answer to that one either. Just remember that there is something wrong with them and not you.
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