| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 11:55:38 AM | BxCutie -
Recently, I have been fortunate to have some intelligent men who have gone
m.i.a. on a woman before speak with me candidly about some of their reasons.
Most of them said they realized the twisted thinking in their logic, but still found themselves taking that route.
Their reasons included:
1 - They wanted to keep the door open in case their feelings or circumstances changed later, and felt ending it officially would never allow that.
2 - They met someone else but were not sure if it was going to work out with them ... and wanted to give themselves some time before officially ending it with the first woman. By the time they defined their new relationship, either a) they felt so guilty for not calling in the first place it was easier to imagine the first girl already wrote them off, or b) they were so burnt out on women from the new relationship imploding they were just done with the whole thing.
3 - They went through a personal circumstance (physical injury, intense job problems) that made them withdraw into their cave. Many men tend to compartmentalize, and many define themselves by their accomplishments (sports and career) ... and they needed to isolate themselves to work out their problems. Yes, they said, it was irresponsible not to communicate what was going on, but their crisis gave them an irrational sense of entitlement that allowed them to say 'F the world'.
4 - They have had a woman go 'psycho' on them in the past and take the simple selfish route because they dont want to "Go through THAT again"
5 - They hate to see a woman cry and convince themselves that disappearing will make the woman think "what a b*stard, I am SO over them". They convince themselves that by being a jerk the woman will feel better being rid of them.
6 - They feel guilty and rationalize 'well i've only known her for X amount of time', or 'i never told her this would be forever', or 'i'll call her tomorrow (or the next day... or the next....)
7 - They sense the woman wanting more than they do. It doesn't matter if their actions or words contributed to the woman feeling like this could get serious; suddenly they feel obligated or trapped instead of challenged and excited. Fight or flight kicks in and flight wins.
8 - THEY start feeling too much, and they are not prepared to fall in love. Fight or flight kicks in and flight wins.
9 - They start feeling too much, and there is something fundamentally wrong with the match - ie she wants kids he doesnt, or their religious beliefs clash, or they are too different culturally, or something that didnt matter while they were courting, but it glares at them when they imagine a future together. As to why they just dont explain, see numbers 1-9.
10 - They feel like the whole problem comes down to timing. Therefore, they figure, at some point the timing might be right. Refer to number 1 from here.
Speaking from experience, even knowing all these possible reasons, it still feels like crap when it happens. And it happens with men you meet in real life, it most definitely is not just a cyber-thing.
So how do I feel when it happens? The anxiety of not knowing what is going on absolutely sucks. The thin line between confused woman wanting communication and perceived stalker is humiliating and unfair. The self-doubts (am i THAT bad a judge of character? am i THAT disposable? am i THAT masochistic?) are gut- wrenching.
And the frustration at feeling anything other than wise distance from this kind of crazy-making behavior is .... well, crazy-making.
That's my thesis on the subject. Tada. Somehow knowing it happens to so many other people is comforting. Go figure. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 2:00:31 PM | ^^^^^^^^suz...... thank you for posting that..
ive read this whole thread...
Im amazed....... (new to learning this new societys lack of ettiquette re others..let alone dating)
Im still finding it hard to believe humans treat others like this.. so selfishly..
in so many ways...en mass
anyway thank you.. what you posted...... gives me some understanding on why some people might do this.....
What gets to me though... is if this becomes the norm in society... then its a sad place indeed..
it breeds hurt/selfishness/mistrust..
It is destroying the faith/hope/trust of love/relationships..
and should not be accepted as anything like the norm or normal.
How do we tell the world ..this lack of respect is unacceptable?
I usually if im intending to know someone maybe more than a friend will say up front... I operate with honesty.. I expect it... in friendship... So please.. just always be honest... For me.... I would then not react to someone honestly telling me how they felt....
But yes... eventually ..lol... last guy was honest... but didnt want to hurt me...(we were broken up though.. he just didnt want to tell me hed met someone new).. his lies hurt me more than anything..
lies or avoidance ........like some have said =coward.. but understandable...
lying hurts me.. straight up.... because it = no trust..after that.
and should not be accepted as anything like the norm or normal.
actually i do remember seeing on tv a few years back...... a company taking advantage of this human weakness of character....... where you gave them a persons details and an automated response message was sent... saying for eg.. jamie has decided not to see you anymore .. its over..
or your dumped.. etc..
smiles/peace | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 2:11:49 PM | I've felt terrible. I hate not knowing what's going on, and honestly, I'm far less likely to cry if the guy just goes, 'We're breaking up', than if he just ignores me like I was a figment of imagination.
I've never disappeared on someone I was actually dating, but I've done it to blind dates and such. I cannot imagine that they had no idea what a terrible date it was, at least, that's how I rationalize it. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 2:53:10 PM | Just read your thread.....and i've went through that many times....
going throough it right now. I text her like 20 times just so that she would respond,
so that i could get closure. I'd rather be hurt and know why, rather than be hurt and
not know.....
I know i have hurt people myself, but at least they know why i ended the relationship.
Even some people i met on here, i have meet that i've talked to on the phone and emailed,
but they turned out to be a totally different person than their picture.....after wondering why
they never wanted to meet in person.
I know exactly how you feel, and i thought it was just me.
I've been so far as to travel to another country to meet someone i've been in contact with for 6 months.
and when i arrived there, they stopped contact and i never heard from them again.
In a foreign country not knowing anyone and a different language than mine.
Costa Rica is a nice place, but not alone.:(
I really don't have any advice for you but just the fact that your not alone in how your feeling.
You just never know when people will drop the bomb on you. Kinda like an earthquake you never know
when it will happen, and it is usually devastating. I feel like the next one for me will be an 8.5!!!! | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 3:47:14 PM | | have happened to me as well. When it has happened, i am a little appalled, because i accepted the e- mails, and the IM's, and took the man at face value. Knowing that he wanted to make a connection, i shared my personal self, and time, in understanding him, and allowed him to get to know more about me, in a safe, harmless way. On having the man ask me for a meet, and then disappear.... well it shows me how sincere the person was(not), and tells me that this person has no INTEGRITY!! Who needs that???? for a friend etc.//// not me. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:18:40 PM | I'm a bit of a veteran in regards to being on the receiving end of this special technique as far as men from this site goes. It leaves a lot unresolved needlessly. Closure is the kindest thing you give to a person before you just take off without a word in my opinion.  | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:26:40 PM | The same thing happened to me. It hurts there's no other way around it. But what
can you do. The other person made the decision to black out, you didn't do anything
wrong. And I completely understand the humiliation of feeling like a stalker when
they won't return even a phone call or a text message. It's cold. And it's really cowardly of them to just 'dump' you without a word. This is actually a clue to their
real personality and try to focus on the fact that if they could be like that, how loving could they actually be? It's better they hurt you in this way rather than getting really
involved with them and risk getting hurt even worse. Best of Luck. You'll find somebody better. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:30:38 PM | I can completely identify with this circumstance. I too have experienced it at least 2x with men on this site - no the site has nothing to do with it btw. Its wayyyyyyy beyond me but there are alot of very screwed up men and women out there and the fact that they are not mature enough to even give a courtesy call is well beyond me. The last time this happened to me I was sure that we had a wonderful connection - we dated for about 2 months and he was emailing me things like "i havent had feelings like this for years". He was a hot and cold kinda guy and i definitely had warning signs which i chose to ignore. Needless to say after calling him, texting him then finally sending an email....he responded with an email. It was all bogus stuff and excuses, they always are, people just cant be honest with what is really going on. The good news is this and this works for me all the time when dating - when you get hurt by someone ditching you for whatever reason i remember this....WHAT AM I HURTING OVER?... its not like i was in love, hell I didnt know the person well enough to feel love, its not even that i got a ton out of it....WE FALL IN LOVE OR LUST WITH THE IDEAL of who or what that person can be to us. When you realize that there is no emotional loss and that you have just PERCEIVED THIS TO BE THE NEXT BIG RELATIONSHIP then you can let it go.
Dont stop dating, there are good matches for everyone - get out there again and meet a man or woman that has the balls to be an ADULT. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:41:06 PM | I've written about this a few times and will never understand the dynamics of the vanishing act, other than it is pure cowardice.
How hard is it to tell someone you just don't think it will work out and then give the reasons why? It's the "uncomfortable conversation" that if nothing else, at least gives the other person the closure they need.
Okay, some might argue.... well, it was only one date. Yup, but chances are you've built up some sort of rapport online or on the phone, and for a woman, emotions are still present. That doesn't mean we're head over heals, but when we like someone, we "feel" something.
To me it's all about respect. The whole do unto others as you would have them do unto you doesn't seem to apply anymore. More and more people are becoming emotionless, flitting from one flower to another and forgetting that each one has opened itself to you.
Like I said, it's a cowardly act from someone who didn't have the "you know what's" to do the right thing.
Sharzi | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:57:33 PM | Like a steaming pile of crap.
It's not like I'll garrote you for it, it's what you felt and you're just telling me why. I can take a hint and I won't bother about in constant emails/phone calls, etc. trying to make it work when it obviously can't.
The whole vanishing act seems rather immature to me, but at the same time I know if they were interested, they would be more receptive. It's just not knowing is what bothers me.
I guess that's one of the wonders of life. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 7:19:44 PM | | Simply put - he is not into you and does not have the balls to tell you straight out...he does not want to hurt your feelings so he "disappears" into the wild blue yonder..a real man who is genuine and mature does not behave in this manner. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:01:25 PM | I should've read the first 7 pages of the thread before I came in with my experience(s). Gladly, there haven't been many. But, though I would have to ask an animal exactly how it felt, I certainly felt like a dog surrendered at the pound after many days/months or years of companionship.
This is one thing I won't do to anyone who doesn't deserve it. Nothing is so acute that a general adult can't understand. Just state your grievance and leave rather than being a f..king emotional coward and sneaking out. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:48:04 PM | | I agree the disappearing act is a cowards way out! It is something I would not wish on an enemy. Unfortunately this morale kept me captive to a clingy man for years because he refused to accept the end of it. I couldn't disappear because I'm not a coward but when I tried to give him closure and end it, he would not take no for an answer. What to do, then? | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/23/2008 9:22:06 AM | To the poster above me-Its cowardly to vanish without explanation, but its also cowardly to not put your foot down and leave a guy thats clinging onto you and wont take no for an answer, you tell him your leaving him and you leave-its your choice not his.  | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:27:17 PM | If I had been seeing the guy for a while and had a connection - I'd feel pretty beaten down about it.
No one likes being "dumped" but it's part of life. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:56:34 PM | I had this happen to me a year ago. He just went "poof". I was devastated and it took awhile to get past and for me to realize he did me a favor. It did hurt for quite awhile; but I found out that he was living with someone and they were fighting at the time..they made up and he went back to her again. I found out he had still been paying rent at a former girlfriends home! He then got caught, the first girlfriend kicked him out and then he hooked up with the one he was paying the rent at.
SO things happen for good reasons. Some people come in to your life to help you through a bad time, get the ego boost they need, things get better and they move on. We are all spared and hopefully learn from our lessons.
I think this may happen again to me soon with someone I care about, but I am aware of it... | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/23/2008 3:13:53 PM | Woman dissapears? I shrug shoulders... dust myself off, and happily approach the next woman.
Dwelling on someone who obviously isn't for you is misplaced energy. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:28:26 PM | i dont understand the disappearing act wither. i have been talking to a guy on here for a couple of months now. we had made plans to meet and he stood me up. a few days went by and he sent me an email telling me that his mother had a heart attack. so naturally i was sympathetic and offered support. we continued talking. then i went on vacation, but talked while i was away and had made plans to get together when i returned. so i get back and guess what--he stood me up AGAIN! this time however there has been no explanation offered even though i asked for one. i havent heard from him since. he always seemed to enjoy our talks and i really thought he was serious about getting together.
at first i was little hurt and then a little angry. but now i know that he isnt genuine and in the end it is loss because he doesnt know what he is missing!
still baffling though. if he had changed his mind why not just be honest? i dont get it. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:39:39 PM | It shows an amazing lack of respect and just plain dignity, as far as I'm concerned.
Seriously, in this day and age, if you don't have the guts to say"I'm just not that
into you" to someone's face, the very LEAST you can do is put it in an email,
text message, or voice mail, but that's just my opinion. It's getting to be a bit of
a joke with me and some of my girlfriends, as in, my new superpower is the ability
to make men disappear! Now every time one of us has a blind date, we ask her if she's made him disappear yet! You have to laugh it off or you would just lose your mind.
Among my friends and I, the record is 3 men disappearing in the same week! | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:49:44 PM | | Hi girls and guys, not usually into these forums but please forgive me, this one interested me! met a guy of here uk army out in afghan, after much messages, phone calls etc, we finally met up and had an amazing time for a weekend. Then he flys back of to afghan and returns a month later on a 2 day pass and once again a lovely weekend, with promises of moving to a barracks near by etc etc, that was January 2008. Never heard from him since, guess in one respect I got carried away with the moment, but gave him so many opportunities to say it was not for him, and he didnt, just disappeared. Good luck all you nice people out there, honesty hurts no one or not for long anyways. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:53:20 PM | | Thanks a lot for your common sense answers and thoughts, you are of course right, and I guess we know that one of those scenarios is likely the reason, but it still hurts. | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 4:10:50 PM | yeah happened to me , met a guy on pof, were suppose to be dating he even introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends. we both wanted to take it slow hang out .kinda weird i should have saw the signs he always wanted to take his friends on our dates how strange is that. I moved temporarily to sooke .he usually called me every night. i tried to call him on his cell. he said he was busy he would call back. sooke was a bit far to drive to see me he would call back. poof he was gone . he didn't even say we broke up or anything. my girlfriend said she saw him at the Bar.:
now 3 months later....
oh yeah he emailed me recently like nothing happened. no sorry or anything.
I told him i moved and left the city, and so i did .....see ya!
what wrong with these guys how rude.
moral of the story:If you don't like the person don't do the disapearing act its rude
how did i feel: like most people would....mean people suck lol | |
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| Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel?
Posted: 3/26/2008 5:20:05 PM | | Wow poor you too! but glad to hear you moved on and had the where with all to tell him to get lost after 3 month! that would not surprise me either if my little encounter didnt try that one on.........it was the first time i had met anyone of internet dating and not a good experience, but i tread more carefully now. thanks for your help, take care and be lucky, his loss !! | |
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