| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:17:30 AM | Moments of clarity only have value when it motivates the person into action.
Inspiration is the easy part, persperation isn't as easy.
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:24:41 AM | | You're one of the lucky few who've had good friends that bring you to a moment of clarity. Too often friends dont help at all even though they think they're trying to be supportive of you. They're kept around because they make you feel good. If you know your flaws and why not work on them and smooth them out, change and adapt man. Work on yourself now, while your single so you can go into your next relationship confidently knowing you're not flawed. Old dogs can learn new tricks. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:42:02 AM |
I just don't have that "drop everything for someone in my life" mentality - and I cringe when someone else displays the same behavior.
That's why I don't date much - I don't want to enough to really put a lot of effort into it. And the truth is, I don't really care. Being single means I don't ever have to consider anyone else's schedule or explain myself to anyone, unless they're paying me to work. I'd rather be alone all the time and know I have my space then with someone and wishing they would give me some.
Yes, the "problem" is me - but it's a nice problem to have!
That about sums it up for me. People tell me I'm selfish for feeling that way. I don't disagree.
Rune ... point taken. Sorry for the misunderstanding
cptdave, I see your point and understand your suggestion. I think for a lot of people that's outstanding advice. I think what I failed to mention in my original post, simply because I don't want this thread to be all about me, is that I can't make the kinds of changes - at least not at this point - that I know are necessary. It's a long story to explain why that is. Let's just say the livelihoods of some people depend on me being who I am and that responsibility is more important to me than being in a relationship. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:52:12 AM | | my ahh moment was when i realized i had choosen the same man over and over again only in a different body. but unlike you, i hate the end results. to me it's a waste of time and emotions. i have had to make some changes. i like myself but i'm not finding the happiness i seek. i feel if i give up the thing or things that are keeping me stuck. 'll find that certain someone to share my life with. that's why we're all here at pof? to find that special someone. aren't we? | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:56:43 AM |
That about sums it up for me. People tell me I'm selfish for feeling that way. I don't disagree.
I do...you can't be selfish if there's no one in your life you're ignoring. It's only selfish when it's hindering someone. The only one you would be hindering is yourself (if you wanted some sort of relationship) and since you don't care - it's a wash.
That's like the people that say not having kids or getting married is "selfish" - I can never figure out to whom I am personally affecting, besides invisible people. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:58:14 AM | | We tend to look through the microscope at others I suppose and avoid looking in the mirror at ourselves. I know I am very emotionally independent and will walk away from a troublesome relationship without a backward glance . I am by nature a loner and don't need people to fill me up. This can be difficult for partners to put up with I know. If you know who you are OP and are happy with it, why worry.Self knowledge and self awareness is a precious thing. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:03:38 AM | I wouldn't say because you are the common factor it is a problem. It just means you havent found the person thats right for you.
Im the same as most. had some people come close to being the real thing, but not close enough.
I dont see the point in staying with someone who isnt right for you. i see too many bad relationships, and Im wondering why the people stay together.
Good for you for not settling. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:03:53 AM | Yup!
Hey! Don't be too hard on yourself, if you are comfortable in your own skin, that's all that really matters. The things that others found difficult to deal with in you are the very things that someone else may absolutely adore.
Meeting the right person doesn't just happen over night, we've all got to endure the selection process. Course! it never hurts to try and address some obvious problem areas or short-comings, but change? Never! it's usually completely unsustainable and flies in the face of nature.  You can change your behaviour, (e.g. drink less), but fundamentally, you can't change your personality, so don't try. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:25:19 AM |
In my bizarre mind I view things this way: Aside from my son, I'm spending more time with her than anyone else, which in my thinking, makes her pretty darn important in my life. That's elevated her pretty high on the old priority chart. In reality, I'm probably spending a night or two a week with her. Thing is, if you're going to grow your business, those are the sacrifices you have to make. If you don't make them, you'll be bankrupt before you know it. Hence my coming to the realization mentioned earlier.
A) you prioritize your child - good.
b) She gets next dibs - good
c) you are fully employed and hardworking - good.
I would kill for a good man like this?? Who says you have to be together 24/7 to be good at a relationship? I would love someone that made me a priority of the little time they had? I have a great life and don't need someone to keep me entertained?
I think you might be making a mistake in the "honeymoon" period if you are giving more to them than they can expect in the long run. I may be interpreting that poorly but Grandma always said "begin as you mean to go on". Don't start with constant attention and presence and then expect them to understand when you go back to work. Why do you stop working hard when you start a new relationship? And then have to get back to the 'real world' ? My relationships have to start in the real world and then we figure it out from there...
Good for you to figure out that you are responsible for things... personal accountability is a good thing... | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:35:27 AM | | OP You are very wise for a 33 yr. old man. However when you are 53 you will be amazed at how your perspective on things will have changed. Good Luck!!!!! I admire that you are so in touch with yourself, and recognize who you are. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:35:44 AM | OP, I think that's wonderful!!! Good for you!!! 
If everyone always point the finger at the other person, that equates to "everyone else" being the problem - and yet, everyone is the victim! Not possible.
It's a sign of a strong, healthy person to take ownership of their issues. Not only that, but there can be no growth, no change, if "everyone else" is always the problem. I am far more inclined to trust someone who is able to say "I screwed up" rather than "she did this and she did that". The truth is, no one is infallible, we all have blindspots. The person who says "I'm the problem" is the person with the power: the power to recognize it and work on it. Until a person can say that, she (or he) is always a victim, and always powerless. I think people are afraid to admit faults, mistakes - but I respect a person so much more when they do. It's so easy to always be "right". It's a sign of courage, strength, and character to be able to LOOK for your part in it, admit it, and accept it.
In order to become good at anything, develop mastery, you have to first admit that you need to learn, and be willing to learn, and want to learn. This is commonly accepted as true when it comes to sports & hobbies, but so rarely do people realize that it also applies to relationship skills. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:40:31 AM | | My epiphany came when I realized my thoughts caused my reaction to life not life that caused my reaction liked I had always thought before. Now I’m no longer a victim of circumstances outside my thoughts. | |
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dewitt
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Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 40 | |
| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:41:56 AM | | You say you have had a string of failed relationships......do you know why they failed exactly? Or do you have an assumption to why they failed or what? If you don't know for sure why they failed then one can't anylize to determine who was at fault,especially if you have an unknown reason for failure of a relationship. In my opinion the beginning and the end are both created by both parties involved. Is it possible two people can be at fault? To say your not at fault is to say your perfect, this means the other half was perfect in all of your relationships that failed if your at fault for all of those failures. I can honestly tell you I only know of two reasons why I have been dumped....one was for taking a Chemistry class and another was due to the fact the person I was dating decided to go back to her ex because they had kids. Am I at fault because I decided to educate myself? I can make that my fault...was I at fault for dating someone that had kids and just got out of a relationship? Or was that the reason that relationship did'nt work out? again two parties are involved you can only depend on what your mate tells you I can be wrong for making those decisions it all depends on how you think because either side can claim innocence. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:42:08 AM | | Just because a person has a string of unsuccessful dates/relationships, it doesn't always mean it is that person's fault. In some cases, it's neither person's fault. Suppose a man went on a bunch of unsuccessful dates with several different women. Some women were nice, but not attractive to him. Some women were attractive, but were rude. Some other women were nice and attractive, but weren't compatible with him. I think this is even more common on the internet. Talking to a person by phone or email is much different than actually meeting them. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:52:27 AM | Everybody has faults and shortcomings.
It's up to us, to grow, act maturely and take responsibility for
ourselves. So naturally your partner also has his or her problems
as well. Focus on yours, because those are the only ones you can change.
But never forget, like does attract like! You know the old saying about
pointing fingers. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:57:03 AM | I think in relationships sometimes it's our fault, sometimes it's the other guys/gals fault , but most of the time it's no ones fault and more a case of being a mismatch than anything else.
I'm as flawed as they come and really see failed relationships as a chance to grow/learn about *myself* and what *I* want in a relationship ,and in turn, what I can offer to someone else in a relationship.
when you're looking back on failed relationships, the only thing in common *will* be you ,because your life is the only one you can really reflect upon and change accordingly. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:37:46 PM |
I think you might be making a mistake in the "honeymoon" period if you are giving more to them than they can expect in the long run. I may be interpreting that poorly but Grandma always said "begin as you mean to go on". Don't start with constant attention and presence and then expect them to understand when you go back to work. Why do you stop working hard when you start a new relationship? And then have to get back to the 'real world' ?
Never really thought of it. I guess I can be kind of impulsive or I just accepted that's how relationships work - honeymoon period that settles into real life. I've never been a party to nor witnessed a relationship that worked any other way.
I can honestly tell you I only know of two reasons why I have been dumped....one was for taking a Chemistry class and another was due to the fact the person I was dating decided to go back to her ex because they had kids. Am I at fault because I decided to educate myself? I can make that my fault...was I at fault for dating someone that had kids and just got out of a relationship? Or was that the reason that relationship did'nt work out? again two parties are involved you can only depend on what your mate tells you I can be wrong for making those decisions it all depends on how you think because either side can claim innocence.
Interesting point of view. I know that I'm not entirely at fault. I've dated some great women, but none of them were perfect by any means. But I'm also aware the major source of discourse was me. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:42:42 PM | RE: First post.
When I break up with someone (which is rare) I make sure they know the reasons, I dont give them a cliche answer. Its a disservice to her and to myself. So I tell them. Quite bluntly. ^_^
I had a similar sort of epiphany some years back. Except I realized that almost all women were motivated and acted the same way (ALMOST being the key word for you whiny women out there who want to nit pick like pathetic gits). After that it was quite easy to get on with my life and deal with women. Im blissfully content now, compared to then. ^_^ Best realization I ever made. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 3:47:28 PM | whew! theres alotta info goin on here!
...and i keep hearin this "failed relationship" phrase...i dont look at them as failures, i simply figger they done what they were supposed to do or teach me and in that way, they aint failures........who made the rule that when a relationship ends its considered a failure or that it somebody's fault?
most of the time i still like who i aint seeing no more..haha! i just got fish to catch! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 3:54:33 PM | If/when you find the one who accepts you now, you might just find that your "pattern" will change.
Why would anyone in their right mind "accept" someone "as is" when that someone was unable to make a relationship work and clearly stated it? Maybe one should listen carefully to someone that says "I am not ready for a relationship/I am not relationship material" and quit trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
Changing the pattern as soon as someone accepts the one you currently are putting forth in my opinion is not only underhanded but game playing.
Know what you want.
Advertise it.
Stick to it.
To thine own self be true. | |
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