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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:04:51 PM | | don't sweat it. You will find someone that will seriously care about you in time and when you do, you will realize how wonderful that person is. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:34:36 PM |
I'm not looking for anyone to psychoanalyze me. I pay enough for that already... I have no interest in making any changes because, despite being really bad at relationships, I like who I am.
If you have no interest to change, why do you pay to be psychoanalyzed? | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:44:00 PM | | When I use those words I mean I am not into you. I can make things work and be a great GF if I am into a guy. But if I realize over a course of dating that I am not really into someone I can use those words. It doesn't mean that I will use it with the next guy. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 5:03:55 PM | | not saying ur case implys this but alot of ppl that have had abusive past tend to pick ppl that will abuse them in some form or another and alot of times they never even know they r doing it so in that regard the common denominator was them.Patterns have a way of being repeated when learned from youth also and it becomes apart of our every day lives and part of us to the point we tend to make allowances for the way it is because it is what we r accustomed to or what we have allowed ourselves to except.When one has a moment of clarity as u have had then u r given a chance to either cut the pattern through self examination and purging of the demons or monsters or conforming to what was thought to be the norm in said life.It can be scary but it can also be extremely liberating...................As far as flaws well sis we all have them from not having curly hair when everyone else looks so good with it to not having straight hair cause it is what someone said was in at the moment.Ur flaws can be dressed up or down according to who is noticing and deciding to bring ur attention to them,flaws that is.Flaws like to short,to tall,to fat ,to skinny,to outspoken,to shy,to poor,to rich,to happy and to sad just to name a few of the obvious ones.So in this regard I think we r all the problem.Mind u I am not in any way advocating the total demise of planet earth to solve said problem but a little less me,me,me and alot more we,we,we could be an improvement in my humble opinion. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 5:25:52 PM |
once i realized what my problems were i had a hell of a time finding people to blame them on.i found them eventually though,i call them family and friends.lol.
LOL, too true! It's sad (or enlightening!) when you realize that all the things you'd like to change about yourself are the very same things that drive you crazy with your parents and siblings!
But still I think that one of the great things is that people *can* change and recognizing those things about yourself that contribute to a failed relationship is a great start. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 5:37:46 PM | But still I think that one of the great things is that people *can* change and recognizing those things about yourself that contribute to a failed relationship is a great start.
do what you wish ..i like the blaming others thing better.lol. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 5:46:05 PM | | Yup, I tend to be just as hard on me as the other person when a relationship ends. Although, it really doesn't pay to talk out loud about it to friends; as you say, most of them are loyal and want to minimize your sad feelings. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:09:47 PM | | I have had that line used on me after she said I was a amazing guy and everything she looked for in a guy. Later on she said if you treat another gal like you did me you will do fine.... I dont know what to make of that. I also think doesnt know what she wants lol | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 7:32:15 PM | YES. I was The Problem when:
I was the smarter partner by 1 IQ point ("WW3- type issue",of course).
I knew 3 languages, she only knew 1.
I'd had 50 "partners" in nearly 50 years, she only had "10" (call it 20 within 3 marriages).
I desired nightly (3 blocks away), @ 1st got daily visits (NOT sexual!) then weekly/bi-weekly, then none, just phone.
I changed for her (thru 3rd party info), fine-tuning/modifying daily/hourly behavior, to accomodate her "needs".
I gave more sex than I got, yet I'm the hotter one (by general, popular standards).
She met my whole family & some of my friends, I only met a couple of hers.
And other, Funnier examples.
But then, I was The Solution when I employed The Universe's easy assistance to both.
My advice OP, MARRY YOURSELF FIRST. And definitely ASK (The Universe)/ BELIEVE (It has heard you)/RECEIVE (the fulfillment of your need, your desire). You'll be allright with this whole-lotta-love from your friends. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 7:57:53 PM |
I'm just curious to find out if anyone else has ever had a similar moment of clarity. If so, how did you deal with it? Did you make any honest efforts to make changes in your life?
Neat thread, OP. :)
Hmm...I honestly can't say I ever had a "eureka!" moment of clarity, so to speak, but a few years ago I did have a somewhat similar epiphany...whereby, it finally dawned on me that, some of the reasons that past relationships I'd had and the reasons they didn't work out, all seemed to somehow (in a roundabout fashion for the most part) come back to me in a way. Did I make any honest efforts to make changes in my life at that point? Hmm...well I did realize, that I was probably getting crotchetier (is that a word? lol) in my old age, and not so willing to change myself at that point. So, I was honest with myself on what those reasons were, but at the same time I wasn't willing to make too many changes overall. I'm a pretty black-and-white person for the most part, but I was at least willing to start seeing a few shades of grey at that point. Not in any of my core values or beliefs or what I was truly looking for, but just in seeing a few more shades of grey in smaller issues where I'd possibly been a bit rigid before.
Bottom line for me though, I compromised when I felt it was appropriate, learned new things along the way after that, but still never really veered very far off the path of who "I" am. I don't think there's really any other way to do it, to be honest. Sometimes, our goals just don't match with someone we've met, or who we are at a certain point in life doesn't mesh...there's not necessarily something wrong with that, it just is what it is. | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 64 | |
| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:23:58 PM |
Just because a person has a string of unsuccessful dates/relationships, it doesn't always mean it is that person's fault.
I agree. I went thru a stretch when I had a bunch of unsuccessful dates. One man rejected me because I was too tall for him. A second man rejected me because I was too old for him. A third man rejected me because I was thin and he wanted a curvy woman. A fourth man rejected me because I have children. A fifth man rejected me because we had different interests. I did nothing wrong. I simply didn't meet their requirements. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:39:08 PM | My Ah-ha moment came at a point in my 30's when I was seriously contemplating giving up on relationships because I figured it was time to acknowledge I sucked at them. A friend, who had seen all of my relationships from about the age of 16 (no one should have to witness that many trainwrecks... lmao) was trying to convince me that it would be a horrid mistake on my part to "throw in the towel". At one point, I suspect well into the 2nd bottle of wine, he stated rhyming off all of the people I had dated, saying how very different each one of them was. I said "no, no, no... they only look different ... they all have a commonality, a common character trait..."
As I identified each person and that trait, it slowly dawned on me that "my fault" was in ensuring it could never work out by screening for this fatal flaw... obviously, I was getting some serious juice from it. In fact, my picker was working exceptionally well with 100% SUCCESS rate.
Took me awhile to sort out my flaw that needed their flaw to feel good... but was well worth it. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:00:10 PM | well, now, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that fault in relationships is like fault in any other part of your life.
Accepting responsibility for a screw up is an important part of emotional maturity. Accepting NO responsibility for anything is called stunted growth, imo.
Accepting responsibility all the time for everything when it's not your fault is not really any better, i.e. constantly changing yourself to try to be what everyone else wants.
The mature person knows the difference. The mature person is able to examine something that fails, see their part in it, and correct what they feel should be corrected for the future. And sometimes if it is not correctable, then they are able to accept it as a personal flaw and work around it. Kind of like I have a crappy memory so I make lists and try to write things down...because I can't fix my memory.
Not to get all biblical but you know we are taught to ask for forgiveness when we screw up and we are taught that forgiveness will be given. BUT the second part of that is to not do it again - to learn from the mistake, not repeat it.
So if we screw up a relationship, it's not enough to say "oh, I was the problem". The goal is to not have another failed relationship because of the same screw up.
OTOH, just because a relationship fails doesn't mean that we were at fault or that anyone was and I think that it's important to be able to tell the difference.
I don't know... I really think a mature person knows themself well enough to say "hey this is me and I like me" but at the same time, recognize a failing when there is one and then try to fix it. NONE of us are perfect and even when we are 90 years old we will still be a work in progress.
My 1 penny's worth...
Kaylie  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:00:14 PM | | the thing is that i do choose psycho's and then they say its me to get out of it. I know what my faults are ..and if i feel like i am falling for them i get scared cos of 2 failed relationships (abusive and a cheat)..so i am shit at seeing the faults in them..(or i ignore them)... so my point is i mite seem like psycho to them cos i pull back when i am falling for them..cos i am now very wary..and thats all. I have told myself now ...dont run! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:09:00 PM |
Well, this time, a good friend asked me "have you ever noticed that the only common denominator is you?" Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks because it was not only honest, but true.
That’s a crock! You can tell your friend I said so!! This has been bantered around a lot these days. Truth is unless you only dated (married and through death were parted) one person it stands to reason that EVERYONE is the common denominator in all their relationships. It isn’t statistically possible to be the “loser” in every single one, even for LOSERS!! Sometimes it is you, sometimes it is them, sometimes you never should have even met each other because together you are just pure poison. I have rarely had two identical relationships and I am sure it is true for most people. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:46:31 PM | | i am in total agreement with you. i recently screwed up a 3 year relationship and am very unhappy now--but i will survive. i hate that i hurt her as a result of an act of abject stupidity on my part and i am paying for it daily. i really want to have a woman in my life that i respect and we can please each other--but i won't settle for a flawed relationship that i have to make excuses to myself for. i am tired of living alone--wife died 8 years ago--but am not about to settle just to have someone in my life. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:49:53 PM | Well, I think I acknowledge my flaws, and am pretty handy at finding new ones along the way. I try very hard to at LEAST tell people what my bad habits are, and the ones that I know are just part of my personality, I try to work with my partner to figure out a way to deal with those traits. Sometimes I know that I can't necessarily change something that is ingrained, but by helping someone understand what my intentions are (good), they can cope with my presentation (which sometimes isn't so good.)
<div class="quote">I have no interest in making any changes because, despite being really bad at relationships, I like who I am.
I find that an interesting statement. If you know you're bad at relationships, and presumably know why you are bad, and are unwilling to make any changes (and thus you will continue to be in bad relationships and do badly in them)...why are you even here? Seems like you would be the ideal candidate for the happy bachelor. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:57:16 PM | YUP... Been the problem the whole time... I prayed that Windows 95 would have the answer,.. then Win-98- Win 2000- then Win XP..still nothing.. I'm hoping Windows Rooty-Poot (coming the fall of '08) will finally be the answer for me, and I can live a life, fulfilled in truth, justice, and the Microsoft way!.... If not.. I'm buying a Mac    | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:21:01 PM | Interesting.... using words like failed relationships & blame....I don't see it that way....each time I go out on a date or develop a relationship it is a learning experience....and usually a positive one....yeah most times things don't work out in the long run....nobody is too blame, there are a myriad of reasons why it doesn't work....it's not easy to connect in any relationship, let alone a permanent one....but the falling in love, sharing, romancing, spending time together.....I wouldn't trade that in for anything.....
Clarity.....mine is that I take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions....I know I have a role in every relationship that didn't work out.....I'm not always the other person's match either....People have said your too young or old depending on the person, or you've got teenage children, or your not tall enough because I like to wear 4" heels....most times you don't even get a reason....they just stop all communication....
So I've learned to be myself and not worry about if it works or not....I know what I like and what I'm willing to give in a relationship....some day I will make someone really happy and they will make me happy too....I hope!!!
The only thing i need is a hand that rests on my own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides it, sometimes confides in it and most importantly lifts it higher.... | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:48:56 AM |
Sometimes it is you, sometimes it is them, sometimes you never should have even met each other because together you are just pure poison. I have rarely had two identical relationships and I am sure it is true for most people.
None of my relationships were the same. Each had its own set of unique problems, but no "deal breakers" per se. They just all tend to end the same way.
Her: I need you make me a priority in your life
Me: You are .... in my mind.
Her: I need more of your time or this won't work.
Me: Ain't got it.
If you know you're bad at relationships, and presumably know why you are bad, and are unwilling to make any changes (and thus you will continue to be in bad relationships and do badly in them)...why are you even here? Seems like you would be the ideal candidate for the happy bachelor.
Fair question/observation - Why am I here? I ask the same question in my screen name (Y_am_I _here). Started coming here a few years back for the forum. Got to know some folks and enjoyed the interaction as well as the study of human behavior (I even wrote a case study based upon interactions here ... yet to be published). Hence, I'm here again because I enjoy the people watching and I the interaction of the message boards.
Someone else asked why I pay for someone to psychoanalyze me. We all have our own demons  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:45:01 AM |
As I identified each person and that trait, it slowly dawned on me that "my fault" was in ensuring it could never work out by screening for this fatal flaw... obviously, I was getting some serious juice from it. In fact, my picker was working exceptionally well with 100% SUCCESS rate.
Took me awhile to sort out my flaw that needed their flaw to feel good... but was well worth it.
Awesome insight there!
I think this comes down to is a deeper level of self awareness that a lot of peeps won't attempt because it's painful and difficult, and probably means we'll need to change. That can be scary stuff, especially if you're lacking emotional maturity, coping skills and tools. I finally realized that one of my biggest snags was questioning how I could be so wrong about this love thing, (everyone always told me I was "wrong") when I'm such a loving, decent, giving person that honestly wanted a wonderful relationship? Wrong way to see it! It wasn't that I was wrong, (or better yet, that my intent was wrong) it's that what I was doing/thinking/feeling was ineffective and had to be realigned. I didn't have a clue how to have what I wanted, much less how to fix and remove the obstacles I'd set up myself.
It took my losing almost everything to finally see my very complex truths. I realized I didn't want what I thought I wanted as much as I thought I did, which left me subconsciously unreceptive to it and rather destructive once I encountered it. It was quite the irony; I'm a lover and I'm all about loving, but I could only handle it to a certain point and then it was time to cut and run. Sometimes I didn't get to run first, lol...he'd run screaming for either his Mama or the law!  I was such a freakin' broken disaster, and so completely clueless.
It would take the space of a novel to adequately go into how I went about staring myself down, but I can say a few things about the process. It took becoming pretty reclusive because I had too much peripheral static and clutter around me to focus on myself, (in solitude and stillness, we're finally able to hear and feel) and then I had to learn to deal with the guilt that came with focusing on myself, lol. I had to establish lots of boundaries that should have been established when I was a child, but circumstances weren't exactly optimal back then, and then several processes hit at once; realizing I'd made it through so much, (so I must be pretty strong and had the resilience to survive anything at all, all by myself) mourning and then accepting that I was in my 40's and had an absolutely wretched past that I could never go back and redo--it was simply gone. With that came the painful, sad, gut wrenching and fearful admission that I was far too old to continue being a victim and that giving up that badge was something I had to do all by myself, and the badge of survivor was more my style. Somehow, while experiencing all that and so much more, a certain tolerance for thoughts/actions/languages and beliefs other than my own began to seep in, and it was then that I was finally able to get out of my way and scoot over, cause making room for someone else in a healthy way was what it had always been about; I just wasn't ready at any point prior because I wasn't healthy--even though I was starving for peaceful, sweet, hot and joyous lovin'.
Lastly, I adopted 2 mantras..."this too will pass and I'll still be OK", and "let it be". Through the loss of control I'd experienced when I was young, I became very controlling, and I had very little ability to trust my life/experience/heart/future in someone else's hands, so getting the outcome of a situation out of the way so I could go ahead and "wash, rinse, repeat" and keep the cycle going was key. I couldn't let something evolve on it's own--oh, nonono...I was such a busybody, running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off, looking and sounding an awful lot like a psycho, torn into and trapped by my own hands.
Once all that got sorted out, and I stopped overly focusing on the other person, embracing a relationship became as natural as breathing.
If we really want a relationship and are ready for one, we'll have one. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:25:59 AM | | Yes I have. when you start to see a common accurance happening like a viscous cycle it makes you stop and wonder how you can change it. there are going to be some things due to your past experiences that you may NOT be able to change how you react to them- however, being up front about them right from the start can lessen the percentage of times they will happen. man i hope that made sense. for example, if you really freak out about someone not calling when they say they will call, be up front with the guy about it. | |
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