| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:53:28 AM | | I definitely agree with mazr45 about being upfront about your shortcomings and allowing someone to be aware of your hot buttons. I have not had very many relationships since my divorce, but with the major one I participated in I was really able to grow as a human being by being upfront about my shortcomings and working with the other person. I really think I was able to overcome a major problem I had in my failed marriage because of it...sweet. My marriage failed because my ex and I could not communicate well and lacked intimacy. Sorry, I blame him for the communication part..that is SO on him...his whole family is like that. The intimacy thing was both of us (I don't mean sex (no problems there...except for not getting any at the moment, that is definitely a problem!), I mean intimacy...totally sharing a moment with someone). I still have some more work to do but am happy to say that I can more easily share with another person in that way. I also warn my dates that I am intelligent but a bit of a ditz at the same time. Not sure how thats possible but apparently it is. Other than that I know I'm an amazingly well adjusted and whole person, a great catch! I am quite sure that I will have successful relationships in the future. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 6:23:27 AM | haha...it's times like this that makes me realize that a lil bit of figgerin out is better than a whole lotta knowin how!....leastwise, when i take the time ta figger somethin out it comes along with a feeling of accomplishment!
learnin about myself is right up there with all tha other necessary stuff a person is supposed to learn in this lifetime, funny how we push that to the backburner and then dont know didley squat about what we want in relationships....
...ifn its my fault a relationship dont work, hey thats okay too..i prolly got a good enough reason to suit myself just fine!  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 7:00:08 AM | Sure I wholeheartedly acknowledge any relationship I sabotage/fail... Heck I even tell them the specifics while I'm breaking up with them! 
Knowing Thyself is the most important exercise we as individuals can pursue, and it's a lifelong quest as we continue to evolve (or devolve in some people's cases when they begin to succumb to self-delusions and negative emotions...)
One of my top-rated issues is that I'm a fitness Nazi after recovering from being a former chubster in my teens - it has led me to an over-reactive aversion to overweight people, to the point I actively dislike their presence for no real reason aside from the fact they remind me of days I long to forget. 
So it has lead to me being a somewhat "shallow" man (especially by POF standards  ), though at least I do not demand anything more than I myself bring to the table fitness-wise. I worked darn hard for a decade to rebuild myself, and so I don't mind holding out for someone that lives & breathes fitness like I do now, because I just can't ever go back without hanging myself. 
This leads to a few lonely nights waiting in the cold, but during the periods where I do obtain the company of a like-minded lady, life is certainly sweet!   | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 7:28:29 AM | "Know thyself' was what the Delphic Oracle told Socrates, yet he realised he also really knew nothing about himself.
I think ultimately if there is something wrong in our lives or our relationships which can't be placed on obvious contingent factors or events beyond our control, then indeed the ultimate reason for their failures does in a way lie in us. But I think if relationships fail, quite often the blame and guilt from an impartial perspective belongs to both people and their flaws. I think people waste a lot of time looking at the past and judging who they are now by what they were. Instead it is more important to focus on the present, and what we want to become.
I think self-deception, pride and egoism are the biggest obstacles to true self-knowledge and insight. Clearing these from our minds is very hard, especially if certain habits are ingrained. In the case of relationships, I think we should look at what we are doing now and see how we are falling short in the present, rather than in the past. It is important to learn from our mistakes, but we can't change the past. But we can aim to do better in the present, and improve ourselves in the future. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 7:33:59 AM | ^^^^
Wow, that's the most reasonable & intelligent POF post I've read in 2008!
Now that's a level-headed guy, nice job Greg8001!   | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 9:51:19 AM |
The trick is in finding someone you can actually relate to. Then there is no "being good at having a relationship", you just and simply relate to them, the two of you speak the same language, they understand you person is another matter but I'm sure that being the best you that you can be
So true rune3 msg,11 and we all have met folks like this and they are a joy to be around.
They enjoy life,are not afraid to share and have very happy outlook and true to thy-self.
To be with someone who is from good stock,has many of of the same values,beliefs as you and respects the each others point of view.
And they both understand that needs are more important then wants in the big picture of coexisting in harmony.
Similarities do attract for a better chance of a successful relationship. imo | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:07:50 AM | Yes, I have, and I congratulate you for being so self-reflective. It takes a lot of time and humility to actually "get" and admit that some of what's destroying a relationship is you. It takes time, also, to adjust your behaviour.
It can also be frustrating when you are growing in self like this, and your partner isn't. Goes into the "Told you so" mode, as opposed to the "Wow, that must have been hard for her to admit, now how can I improve myself?" mode. Such were things with my ex.
I want to change for the better, so I make it a point to remember the lessons I've learned in each relationship so that I can bring them to the table for the next one. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:19:31 PM | | Yup... realized it, accepted it, and like you I'm happy with who I am... so I'm a take me or leave me kinda girl. Life is a work in progress and so am I! I will constantly be changing - but it will be on my own terms and in my own way. It's not so much being stubborn or unwilling to see someone else's side of things - I think we just all experience the world differently and that colors our perspectives and desires. So if I'm not compatible with EVERY man I meet - so be it. I'll find someone eventually. It's not like I'm sitting at home waiting for the man fairy to bring me Mr. Right while I'm sleeping. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:33:43 PM | Part of being a couple with someone is adapting to each other, getting your ying and their yang in rhythm.
Thing is until we're there, we don't know how much wiggle room or what's adaptable and what's not without either one of you feeling like you're not being true to yourself. And it'll be different with each relationship you're in. That's why it's not possible at times to translate all of our relationship "experience" from one over to another.
Not saying we can't learn, be more self aware and grow from it. It's just that with the next person it's going to be different.
It's great to be happy with who you are, but going into a relationship both need to be aware that they don't know until they experience how it's going to be. If one or both aren't willing to give in a bit on anything, then it's not likely to last or be a workable situation. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:40:15 PM | bucs......You playing with my "ying" again????.....Or is it my "yang"?????
OT.......Everything in moderation, and that includes demands, stipulations, judgments, requirements.....on and on......
If we ALL looked in the mirror more often, I think we would all see that we ARE the problem as much as the solution...... The chance to give should be as open as the chance to get and the solution to many problems is understanding along with tolerance.......Now where did I put that "ying"?......
Just my opinion.......  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:06:47 PM | "You playing with my "ying" again????.....Or is it my "yang"?????"
If your ying steps on my yang...there's gonna be problems!!
Thanks for the laugh!! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:15:15 PM |
Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks because it was not only honest, but true.
I came to the realization that I was the only common denominator almost 20 years ago. I did the therapy and the self-exploration thing and I'm still the common denominator. Go figger.
So, I accept that I'm the reason all of my relationships have failed and just don't bother anymore.
Problem solved. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:24:15 PM | "So, I accept that I'm the reason all of my relationships have failed and just don't bother anymore. "
It's very rarely the case. It's not often that one person does something that most people wouldn't or shouldn't accept....lieing, stealing, cheating or abuse. It's rarely the selfish actions of one person.
If both people don't take the responsibility for the things they do and how it impacts the other person, then it's usually the beginning of the end. I'm of the opinion, one person can't by themselves make a relationship work, but one person can bring about it's downfall. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:32:19 PM |
I'm of the opinion, one person can't by themselves make a relationship work, but one person can bring about it's downfall.
Yes, of course. I worded what I was trying to convey inaccurately. My point was simply that I AM the common denominator in all of the failed relationships I've experienced.
I accept that my " picker " is flawed which has resulted in my choosing to have relationships with women who aren't good for me despite the fact that I don't pick a " type " from what I can see. The women I've lived with or loved have been very different except in that I've chosen to get involved with them.
I don't know how else to see or explain it.
Cheers. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:32:42 PM | I've been married more than once. When my last marriage ended 4 years ago, I engaged in some deep soul-searching, because I knew that the common denominator in my failed relationships was ME, and unless I wanted to repeat the same stupid relationship over and over, I'd better have a good close look at myself and my choices.
My friends were not particularly helpful in this endeavor. They were incensed that I was looking for the role I played in the failure of my last marriage. While it was easy to demonize him in our divorce, this was not helpful to me.
I do not believe we are doomed to remain who we are at any given point in time. We have the tools and opportunities to achieve great personal change, if we have the courage and fortitude to make them.
We are not static creatures. We are works in progress............if we choose to progress. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:44:56 PM | "I accept that my " picker " is flawed which has resulted in my choosing to have relationships with women who aren't good for me despite the fact that I don't pick a " type " from what I can see. The women I've lived with or loved have been very different except in that I've chosen to get involved with them."
I totally understand and relate!! The comment about one person causing a downfall wasn't really specific to anyone or anything...just in general. Ehh...my mind wanders sometimes..it's scary, shouldn't be let out on it's own.
(Go GIANTS!!) | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:11:13 PM | Problems, schmoblems. Relationships aren't the problem, the people IN them aren't the problem. Necessarily...it's when a lot of what's right comes up against what's not.
Timing, expectations....so much has to be right for it to work and to last.
Thing is that relationships are worth having. With all that may go wrong or not work out, we're left with a choice of how to remember them. As a failure, a lesson or something that happened that was great and leaving it while painful at the time, mostly good...great.
It's what we didn't anticipate, expect that can and do bring about it's demise. With all that's talked about, planned for, considered, hashed out, all that's gone into it, not just hopes but common sense, rational, logical...the things that we can foresee may or might be a problem...we can't forsee them all.
So what do we do. Think about it, ponder it, give our emotions release....and know that good, great relationships aren't easy to leave or give up on. But at times, that's the best. Just because it ended doesn't mean the relationship or the two people in it did anything horrible or "wrong". Many times, people still care about each other a lot, still love the other person. They just hit an impasse, and know it's best for both to let it go. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:59:08 AM | For some reason I find this talk about a "piker" funny. Not because it's some sort of odd way of looking at things, but mostly because of my own sophomoric sense of humor
I don't think there's anything wrong with my "picker." (the bad jokes just stream to the top of the mind) ... The women I have been involved with are good people. They never mistreated me. They just wanted something I was unwilling or incapable (depending on your view) of giving. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:23:18 AM | | Well OP I guess you would be one of those persons that the statement 'just because he didnt love you the way you want him to, doesnt mean he didnt love you with all he has" applies to. I really think overall people do expect too much out of a relationship. For whatever reason, when people are in that blush of newness, many things are overlooked. I myself have always preferred and demanded very little time with a SO, as long as that time was quality. Being a couple does not mean not having separate interests, how boring to have someone that needs that total togetherness. But then thats just me. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:18:44 AM | Oh yeah, in the current realationship that I'm in I can certainly realize what my contributions to our problems are. I have made an effort in the last couple of days to change some of my behaviors and there appears be some degree of peace on the homefront.
A further note to this topic, I find that the largest problem that one can have in a realationship begins first with the choice of the partner. Some indiviuals have a knack of picking the wrong person. When the incorrect partner is chosen, then it all goes downhill from there. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:46:01 AM | OP, from my objective perch I can't help but wonder why a guy who has no interest in making change and likes who he is curious about and interested in knowing if others are like him and
If so, how did you deal with it? Did you make any honest efforts to make changes in your life? Are you sure that you like who you are because I'm not convinced? | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 10:05:29 AM | Good point......
OT.......If you like who you are internally, then others seem to like what you are as well...........
Most of us will "get what we give", and if we take care of ourselves in such a way that we are happy with the results, most around us will be happy with them as well, and will look to give back in return......
Just my opinion...... | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 10:17:54 AM |
The women I have been involved with are good people. They never mistreated me. They just wanted something I was unwilling or incapable (depending on your view) of giving.
There are others like you, and you know it from a discussion on a previous thread. What is amazing is your self-awareness. That usually doesn't accompany the type of person you are. They tend to blame others. Have you always been this self-aware?
So, what do you do, knowing that you are unwilling or incapable of giving women what they want/need? Unlike the other's advice, I think you should avoid forging new romances. Continue with therapy until you learn what you need to know to sustain an intimate relationship.
I've known two men who share some of your traits. They have the uncanny ability to get women to fall in love with them - all of them good, intelligent, strong and caring women. To give a full picture of your story, what happens to the women after your involvement with them? Particularly emotionally.
Your profile is brutally honest. I admire the heads-up you give. However, know that the world is not black and white. People are not all good or all bad. But I think you 'know' this already (whether you 'feel' it or not). I hope you find answers, not only for yourself but also to help others. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:23:34 PM | If you have never read about narcissism, you might type it into a search engine and have a look. We all have it in us, to varying degrees.
It can severely restrict our ability to maintain relationships if it has become a disorder (NPD). | |
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