| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:16:24 PM | your friend was right...you are the only consistency in your life (another way of looking at your original comment)
the question you pose should be looked at in context to everything else that is going on for you. you are busy in your career, you have a child to support, and all kinds of relationships with family, friends, work related friendships, and sometimes girlfriends. it doesn't surprise me that you don't have time.
Her: I need you make me a priority in your life
Me: You are .... in my mind.
Her: I need more of your time or this won't work.
Me: Ain't got it.
i'm not advocating that you over look the necessary reflection to grow, but maybe the problem is you expect to much and that you promise to much without the ability to follow through. I agree with the other POFer that said "go in as you intend to go on". that being said, i think it's a normal human response to go into something new with vim and vigour.
the bloom of a new friendship/relationship is intense for those with intense personalities. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:36:53 AM | If ya can listen in will ya..
You ain't the only one.....what ya have to do....is learn to trust yourself....telling yourself you are no good in relationships,ain't good.........most people meet someone new, end up in the bedroom and then everything revolves around one thing.......joy ends up being an extension of ya sex life, Rather than sex being an extension of ya real joy. Whether it be sex or any other type of relationship....you must have a relationship with ya self, FIRST.......in other words no drink or drugs or anything else is required to enjoy yourself.....
Is that possible....of course it is..........the problem is if ya sit there all day and consider ya thoughts......ya past experience.....or ya future........then ya clearly dont trust ya self....you are now of two minds rather than one......do ya really trust ya self......dont you worry though most people do the same.
Ya know ya flaws.....i don't so why the hell worry about it.....get off ya ar$$e and live, thats whats lifes for.
Be of one mind not two....it only leads to problems.....if ya keep looking backwards .......how can ya go fwd....... they are your worries, no one else really wants em..................come on everyone wants ya to be joyful.......if they don't they ain't worth knowing.......
Remember this.....ya mind is part of the body, Although it is seperate.....it should be seen as one.........do ya look after ya self? Physicaly........
The best thing ya could ever learn is meditation.......with practise....ya two minds that YOU created, will be one.........for Gods sake trust ya self......ya beauty.
If ya cant then TRUST me.......Meditation not Medication
Firm and Fair | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:50:54 AM | Yeah George. I received the "it's not you it's me" recently and took a look at myself and found glaring defects that were an easy fix. Turned out she had found someone else and there was a short overlap before she dumped me. Why did she find someone else? Maybe something about me?
Love my therapy, even from close friends that are honest and tell me what I need to hear versus people saying what they think I want to hear.
I'm on the right track, as u are, sometimes I miss the train though. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:58:00 AM | y'know, its refreshing to hear someone finally realize, "hey, in all the failed situations in my life, the only constant is....me." Or as I used to say, after someone who was introduced to me (b/c he liked cars) thought no one could build a hot rod for him the right way--only to find out he couldn't drive correctly--some people have to decide either the whole world is full of a$$holes...or they are the a$$hole.
and for the record, the best definition of a-hole came from a friend in college: its a person who refuses to see what is obvious and/or right in front of them.
When a person does the break-up, and says its not you, its me...well, yeah. If you are initiating something, you are taking responsiblity for it. it doesn't mean the person left behind is an  , and the initiator is a  . It just means one person decided not to sacrifice to remain with the status quo...and sometimes sacrifice isn't a good idea. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:37:49 AM | Yam,
You're very lucky to have a friendship that you can say truth to one another without taking it personally. Kudos!
I quite possibly could be the female version of you. Straight-forward, no nonsense, the games I like are Pictionary and SceneIt, and I too have not been successful in a relationship...yet! We Capricorns are at times too brutally honest. We have the best of intentions, we always process information whether work or relationship related because we MUST understand it. And we are harder on ourselves than anyone else.
It is important for me to always learn the lesson of a life experience.
Unfortunately, too often I become wrapped up in the other person's lesson and not my own. Does this mean I am flawed? Sure! Aren't we all? However, some of my flaws are endearing and make me who I am. Do I need to work on patience, just allowing others to be, and my own spiritual growth? Absolutely. And I do everyday. I'm pretty sure when I "get it" I'll be dead. ha ha But the thing is, in working on my self-assessed growth needs, I like who I am more every day. And the more I like me, the likelihood of attracting (good ole law of attraction) people that get me is significantly increased. Because do I want to be with someone who doesn't get me? Hell no. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:56:03 AM | | I find that finding men who are looking for the same thing that I am to be extremely difficult ( a serious relationship). Most of my relationships have been with men who either were still in love with someone else, were only looking for a sexual encounter and lied about it, wanted to be serious about me and I didn't feel the same way about them, or didn't like me when I liked them. So, I ended the relationships after a few weeks or they never called back or saw me a few times or ended after a few months when they realized that they were not going to suddenly be sexually attracted to me since they still wanted someone who looked like their ex wife (his exact words.) I think I am the problem in that I am not the norm as I have not been married and am short, plump and feisty with short brunette hair. If men had to rate women from 1 to 100 sometimes I think short, plump, feisty short haired brunettes would rate a 1. On the other hand, I am not going to waste my time dating someone just to date who does not have the same goals that I do, so maybe the problem is that I am too perceptive , and the problems that I seem to have to men (being a short, plump, feisty short haired brunette) are pluses to me and hopefully the one man who is my match. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 10:12:23 AM | It may have taken much longer than if I'd hired a pro to help me sort myself out, but all the stuff I've learned is permanent.
I'm grateful to be able to look back, knowing I won't be deluding myself the same way.
My thing was that I could NOT let go of my needy, persistent behaviour. I had no sense of boundaries, and resented anyone else's wanting space from me. I felt fiercely compelled to accomplish what I set out to do, even if all I got was some rather dramatic closure .. and that's being polite. *sheeeesh*, I was a NIGHTMARE.
It took a long long time for me to grasp that I was causing not only myself huge problems and grief, but I was encroaching on others' lives by not stopping when they asked, then TOLD me to stop bothering them. Not only that, I was dangerously close to being arrested because of my harassing activity.
Always it began with some guy being nice to me, seeming sympathetic to how sad I was. I unfailingly interpreted that as interest, and I clung on like a barnacle until they almost literally had to scrape me off.
Then comes the time I have to live that down, and it ain't pretty.
Well ... having nothing but lonely time on my hands, I started to watch movies a lot, and the most profound clarity I've had has come from seeing "Fatal Attraction". Now ~ while I've never been the vengeful or affair type of stalker who boils rabbits, it scared me to see the lengths to which that pathetic, desperate woman would go out of her way to envelop some schlep and his little brood. I started to pay attention to the wife, and to why he wanted her instead of the pursuer. What was different (well, besides the obvious being married)? .. then one day, randomly, it hit me: I'd never had anything equal with any man. EVER. I had no idea what that was like, but I knew I wanted it, so it was time to quit chasing, and let the man do something for a change.
I began to keep a journal, noting how I acted, why, how it made me feel, and what I could do instead. I also noted the reactions of the men, whether what I did was effective or did I need to rethink my conduct.
Now it's easier to avoid acting like a psycho. I'm not 100% out of the woods yet: I still find myself getting unrequited crushes, but I keep thinking of how I'd want to be seen. I also think what I would want for a best friend of mine hoping to meet a good man: what advice might she find most beneficial?
... and somehow, now I can appreciate it. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 108 | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:50:32 PM | sure I realize I was not mister perfect and had flaws and short comings as we all do. I even made a list of them and upon talking to her after the break confessed them to her and asked her to forgive me for them.. I got in return a clean conscious, learned something, and moved on..
One of the things I do in most situations is try to get insight in to things and lean from them.. Many of the things I did wrong I had no idea I was doing at the time.. I guess that falls in to the lack of communication category and that was a hard lesson learned.
In my case we both did things wrong however I never preached don’t cheat and then crossed that line as did my GF at the time. That was down right dirty and even after I felt salt was being thrown into the wound.. However I told her I forgave her, ate the pain, didn’t seek revenge, and moved on..
but even before the break i had commented on how i need to work on things on my end and would like her help with out a fight.. it dident work.. oh well..I know i tryed my best and i leave with my head up.. | |
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miffys
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Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 110 | |
| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 2:30:15 PM | | I use "it's not you, it's me" line all the time, and there is 100% truth to that. I'm aware of my flaws and negativity that I bring to almost every relationship, but I don't hide it. I make my partner well aware of "it's me" not you right from the beginning. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 2:37:57 PM | | yes I have admitted that I have been the problem. I am not going to go into details but I know I am some what hard to live with for some people and All I can do is learn and grow. I also know that I have been with people who refuse to take respopnsiblities for their own actions. it takes two to tango. I Think only once was I mostly to blame for a past relationship. I will say that most of my past relationships it was pretty equal that both of us were incompatible. However, My last relationship I only take blame for giving her another chance.Again and again. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 3:23:27 PM | You call it the common denominator, I call it the dependent variable. They are different words that say the same thing; anytime we blame another soul for how we feel, it is just a projection of ourselves. Anytime we hold resentment against another, it is held within ourselves. "No matter where you go, there you are," stated one author. Another said, "'There but for the grace of God, go I" (Actually it was "goes John Bradford," but that's not the point).
If we don't make any changes, then nothing changes. You could put a tailored Armani suit on a homeless person- but now its just a homeless person with an expensive suit! The point is, profound change can only begin from within.
I had a friend who was in a relationship with the most incredible person; a person filled with love. My friend couldn't see it - even after I gave example after example to validate this, my friend decided the relationship wasn't worth it. Why you might ask would anyone give up a partner who had a great depth of love? It's quite simple, my friend defined love in a very limited way, so much so that if it was expressed outside that limited scope- it could not be detected. Hense, the relationship ended.
You have heard- "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." When our understanding of love has a limited scope, the depth of love passes us by without notice. I am not saying, some people have a shallow capacity for love while others have depth. Rather, some have cultivated a deeper understanding of love while others do not.  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 3:30:40 PM | Apparently, yes, I am the problem. All the men have been perfect. No, wait, that's not right?!
Apparently, I am HALF the problem. And I am the only half of it that I can control. But I need help--someone tell me what to do!! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 5:16:38 PM | Blaming yourself is not going to help. ...The truth is...we are all needy.. yep even me.
Although I always find great comfort in blaming someone else. I know my own flaws all too well but I find that I can live with them. Give yourself time to heal and be kind to yourself.
Accept your humanness Mister.... Oh and Yami it WAS not your fault!!!! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 5:41:57 PM | omg...that's it. I'm the problem.
Note to self:weasels will stand out like sore thumbs in a crowd of skunks...try to blend. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 6:51:42 PM | I am aware of my flaws and I do work on them. I know at times my flaws get the better of me and I mess things up with people. I know that sometimes in relationships the problem is me and my flaws and issues.
But at other times, it is not my flaws and issues that are the problem, it is the other persons.
I am aware of when it is my fault and when it is someone else's. I take ownership when I mess up and try to fix things. I believe that we all mess up and are sometimes our own worst enemy.
But it is important to have insight into when we are creating the problem for ourselves and others and to do something about it to change it.
~Carrie | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:17:51 PM | | I sense sometimes that it's my fault...other times it's his...but often it's a bad combination of flaws/dealbreakers, combined histories and mindsets, not really one person or the other but a bad mix. Fixing ourselves is difficult but do-able in some areas. That doesn't guarantee there won't be problems again, but is still worth the effort. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/6/2008 11:33:19 AM |
Are you sure that you like who you are because I'm not convinced?
I asked if others have had the same realization and how they deal with it because I think we can always learn. Plus, I wanted to see if anyone else had the same outlook I do - knowing your the problem, but knowing there's nothing you can do to change that.
Do I like myself? Yes. Do I like the small part of me in relationships? No, but only because I hate to fail. The reason I am unwilling to change is because of how my priorities stack up. The changes I would have to make in order to be the person I know I would have to be in order to have a successful relationship aren't changes I can make. Making those changes would ultimately make me a person I do not want to be, and I would be making them in order to satisfy a very small part of my life. I hope that makes sense 
I've known two men who share some of your traits. They have the uncanny ability to get women to fall in love with them - all of them good, intelligent, strong and caring women. To give a full picture of your story, what happens to the women after your involvement with them? Particularly emotionally.
They seem to rebound pretty easily. At least one of them is already married. I think they see the same thing I do - they did nothing wrong; they're not the problem. I don't stay in too close of contact with most of them because I do have a very busy life. I'm the kind of person that if you're not actively in my life, you don't exist.
Indi ... I'm the most "human" being I know  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:49:35 PM | | I too have had this revelation, and therefore makes getting involved on a deeper level really difficult for me....I tend to do things that push men away, because I am no good at making relationships work either...I dont know when to keep my mouth in check, and that can be a very bad thing in a relationship...am tired of the broken hearts, so I find ways to push men away...am only hurting myself in the long run. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/6/2008 10:45:55 PM | Why yes I do:
I cause problems at work(here) so I have my pals opinionx.
Only get angry when idiosy is accepted.
I wanna say,indeed,insist that victim and crime are two sides of a coin.
If a pal tells me I'm a loose nut behind the wheel I take more care.
I find many "You,since I feel...? should do/feel something.
That sort of game,gone for good.
And I've got 34 more hours practin' honesty-feels good-honesty. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/6/2008 11:45:22 PM | It's very, very easy to be older and single and keep saying "I just haven't met the right person yet."
It's harder to look back at all your failed relationships with people who "just weren't the right one" and finally come to terms with "maybe it's not them, maybe it's me. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/7/2008 12:09:17 AM | | Oh, I am certain it me :). I love my kids, my job, my life. I have tried several times to incorporate a significant other into this mix and it has not worked. I love the idea of having a man in my life, yet I realize I am too selfish to do so. Sigh. I imagine this post with not help me get a date. | |
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tmotts
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 125 | |
| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 2/7/2008 2:51:09 AM | | Yep, I don't seem to do well with long term relationships. I am very loyal and attentive, and I expect my partner to be the same. Unfortunately, they have different views on this. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I seem to find men who are sneaky and secretive. I am just too open I think. I expect the same in return, and I never get it. So eventually I always wind up in the same situation, alone with me, myself and I. | |
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