| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/3/2008 5:12:01 AM | | I don't know how the courts do it in Texas, but there was a time when I was getting payments outside the system like you did. When I called to report he made a payment, they applied it to his arrearage and credited his account. Of course, I had to keep really good records of this, because when my ex would call, half of the time they didn't apply it and I had to call again. It wasn't right of your ex to make it personal with your son, hairgddss, and sure the kid might be mad at you now, but when he is an adult and sees what parenting is about he'll get it. People take their money very personally, and that's when it becomes a grey area IMO. It turns into he said/she said, you vs me. And sadly, that serves no one. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/3/2008 5:58:12 AM | i dont think that a child would feel anymore indebted to the NCP than he would if mummy was buying him an expensive treat holiday gift etc..
a child of that age knows wat money is, where it comes from,wat its for etc.. and should know that both parents do contribute financially to his upbringing..
i would have thought it would have the opposite effect and actually make him feel MORE loved , taken care of equally by both parents.. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:37:29 AM | I believe talking to your kids about money is a DUTY as a parent. Accessing the child's age, ability to understand, and need to know are all part of those discussions. If it is to be educational at all, it HAS to be done in a positive way.
"I help to support you because I love you and I want you to have the things you need, not always what you want, but what you need. I am your parent and I always will be, whether we live together or apart. Taking care of you and helping support you is one of my RESPONSIBILITIES."
How could a child be hurt by knowing that loving them and supporting them is important to their parent? I think living under the misconception that only one parent cares to provide for them could be much more damaging.
As often as possible, kids need to hear that everyone who loves them is doing all they can to make their life the best it can be! | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:43:32 PM | Thanks everyone for your comments, for and against. I spoke to my lil bubs about it again yesterday, and asked if he’d given it any more thought since our original discussion a couple of days ago. He said it had crossed his mind once, but he hadn’t thought much more about it.
He didn’t think there was more money available now that he knew there were two parental sources, didn’t think he would be asking for more stuff, and didn’t feel indebted to either of us. He knows he has more than one source of support should either his mother or I have an interruption in our earnings, and knows that I feel happy and privileged to support his wants and needs (thanks bernta/Msg: 29).
But I got a sense that none of these issues would have occupied much place in his thoughts if I hadn’t inquired further. One or two comments above suggested that I had made myself look good in my son’s eyes. Yes. At least momentarily, I did. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/4/2008 7:57:40 AM | I grew up with my grandparents because my parents divorced when I was 3 months old..Thank God...!
I think I can honestly say it never occured to me to question where the things I got came from. Just not a concern I had as a child. I don't think anybody telling me about it would have really had an affect on me. When your'e a kid I don't think we worry about that sort of thing. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/4/2008 8:57:31 AM | Actually Lisa, your child does not really have a clue that you pay for things because when people do not specifically talk about money with them, they don't get it. Rent, car payment, insurance, other miscellaneous bills are just that, something intangible.
Now, if you wind up having your satellite turned off and your child asks you about it and you tell them that it is actually $100 a month to watch the television, they start learning lessons. Unfortunately, people that are not in that position do not ever sit down with their child and tell them how much their style of living costs, and I am not talking lavish either, just what it basically takes to run a household.
My daughter was asked to create a budget when she was in the 5th grade. They picked a profession and then they were asked to find an apartment, car, etc. The teacher made her bring it home and work on it because as a dental hygienist and single, she could have lived fairly comfortably but was so ultra-conservative in her choices she was living as if she earned minimum wage.
She has listened to conversations over the years and knows that many times we were financially strapped because of the child support we paid but she has also always been told that the child support should be paid and the reasons why. I think she does appreciate what the child support pays for but she also recognizes that I pay for many, many things that they wouldn't do if I didn't pay for it. Sports, church activities, voice lessons, none of these things would happen if I relied on the child support alone or their father's largesse because he does not think those things are important.
If you son is like mine, the discussion occurred more naturally than you can recall or as it seems in the way you worded the thread. My son loves to count money. I imagine he asked you what you were going to do with the money. My children know that their dad cashes his check and deposits money into my account because we bank at the same credit union. They know how much money is deposited twice a month and they have some clue about how much of the monthly bills that covers. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/4/2008 9:19:53 AM |
But I got a sense that none of these issues would have occupied much place in his thoughts if I hadn’t inquired further.
Yeah, that was pretty much it when I told my boys I pay support. The reason it was mentioned at all was when I was explaining to them how much it costs for basic living every month because they keep leaving lights on, draining the hot water tank for a shower and that sort of thing.
Their reaction to me paying CS to their mother was " Why? " since I have them 50% of the time. I simply told them it was the way the law is set up. I didn't tell them how much or any details. They were satified with that.
They still leave the lights on and use all the hot water, though. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:52:04 PM | | i think in a way it's good ,it shows your responsible to him but by law, but to me it's like sayingi have to pay this amount for you everymonth because it's reuired. it depends how you tell the child, i mean it is something reuired by a court order its sometthing the father or mother that doesn't live with their child should do, i think it's better to just show your child how responisble you are to them by buying them things and being there for them, i feel the child should know you paid child suppoprt when they are at the age of eighteen but that you also are responsible for him beyond the child support, i have experinced this as a child waiting and waiting for child support from my father and when it didn't come he stopped paying it made me upset emtionally, like he stopped caring, when i was in school. also it's like feeling that you are worth $160 as a kid every month and if you have a sibling they are that amount too, now i have my son and the father pays child suppport and he also buys him things on the side, and if my son asks me one day about child support i'm going to tell him him: your father and i both take care of you because we love you | |
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as~is
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Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 35 | |
| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/7/2008 11:47:58 PM | never be afraid to talk money and budgets and loans and retirement and so on with your kids.
I was just looking at STD pics online frightening, and considering showing them to my 13 yo. You discussed a budget with a 9 yo. I think it's fine.
However, in the context of a divorce and custody and support issues, and the question of what the other parent does with the money and says about the money, then there could be consequences to the discussion. I would check my motivation for the way I presented the discussion and my opinion. I would probably make the money discussion less personal because child support is a notoriously volatile topic and suddenly the kid is in the middle when each parent shares their point of view on it.
I think it needs to be done. I think 9 is not too young. I just would expect some backlash and would meaure my words with care.
If you think about it, couples fight more about money than sex. The sex talk is easier for parents than the money/child support talk. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 3:26:57 AM | I have a few thoughts...and your probably not going to like them.
1. How dare you burden your son with the finacial responsibilities an adult has. At 9 years old I assure you he is not able to grasp how much it costs to heat a home or pay for a car.
2. By handing a nine year old several hundred dollars (I am assuming your child support is more than five $20 dollar bills)..any lecture or lesson you thought you were teaching, probably didn't sink in. I am sure he was too busy daydreaming about what he could buy with all that money.
3. By doing that, you have placed all the blame on his mother, if for e.g. he dosen't get a toy he wants one week, or even a treat at the grocery store when he goes shopping with his mom.
If you want to teach a 9 year old the value of money...discuss an allowance for chores he does with your ex, at your house and her house. I can't believe so many adults have forgotten what it is like to be a kid. All you have done, is taught your child to question where the "mountain of money" you pay to his mom goes....
I hope you got some satisfaction and bask in the admiration your son probably has for you now...because I guarentee you, the seed you planted will come back to bite you in the ass in the long run. All you have succeeded in doing, was plant your doubts and resentment about where your child support goes... into your own child!! You really should be ashamed of yourself.
No child should be burdened with the knowledge about what the electric bill costs or the price of gas....the only concern they should have is...do they have enough allowance saved for the game they want after the tax!  | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 2:20:40 PM |
I hope you got some satisfaction and bask in the admiration your son probably has for you now...because I guarentee you, the seed you planted will come back to bite you in the ass in the long run.
Lizzy, you are just so sanctimonious with the statement above. What are you teaching your kids about money in the long run? That if you play your cards right, you don't have to work full-time because someone will always be there to make up the shortfall?
All you have succeeded in doing, was plant your doubts and resentment about where your child support goes...
And you plant similar seeds by your choices as well.
Cheers. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:48:54 PM | Hi OP,
My initial concern was your thread head line...
"I told my son (9) I pay his child support"
Is it not better phrased that " I give Mommy money to help raise you because we both are still your parents" ?
I would have a concern if the child thinks that you are paying his child support and what he may take from that...JMHO though...
My ex has said to our daughter ; "you need to tell Mommy to buy you x because I pay her..."
(He isn't paying me, he is financially supporting her, just as he would be if we were still married.)
It all boils down to the bottom line and what you have taught your son thus far...
Does your son know how much you earn at work, how much your mortgage payments are ? car loans?...
Keep it simple for the KID'S SAKE...please.
I hope this does not sound harsh, that is not my intent...
I just really do think about the kids and how many times they will internalize the little things we say and think somehow it is their fault...
LLL | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:59:19 PM | | Ok, I am probably going to get a ne one torn for me but I think what you did was selfish and only to make yourself feel better. If you were still with the mother and your check was going into the same account you would have never done anything like this, but you felt the need to tell the child that "Look, I'm giving your mother money to raise you" It was selfish and had nothing to do with teaching your child the "value" of money. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:33:43 PM | | Well, fab-mom, I would still be having this conversation with my children even if I was married. They do need to understand where money comes from (a job), where it goes (cost of living), and what things cost. 9 is when they start to ask these questions. It is also a good time to start giving them an allowance to learn to budget. Life skills are very important. When budgeting and saving are habits instilled young, they are easier to maintain when older. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:24:37 PM | ^^^^ I agree. Helping children understand what money is and what things cost and responsibility is a cornerstone of parenting. He didn't just say "I give your mother money" he said "these are the things that cost money." The rest of your post was just assumptions on your part.
Child support threads seem to really bring the worst out of people. Lots of insecurities and bitterness from past experiences, I'm guessing. I receive child support. And sure, part of me would love for my kids to think I am the only one providing for them. But the fact of the matter is that their mother is pretty responsible about child support and we need her help.
My opinion is that when there is a question of whether or not it is better to explain something to my children, it is best to err on the side of being open and honest.
I do hope that the conversation with your 9 year old was in a context of parental cooperation and mutual caring. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:58:23 PM | I do not feel it portrays "he's just a dollar value" at all. I think it helps portray responsibility and that all the things he has comes from both parents.
About the endebitted part, that is the most ridiculous thing I may have ever heard. If anything it tells the son that you care enough to ensure he is provided for at both homes and that everything he has at his mothers house is not her sole doing. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/9/2008 12:07:27 AM | sorry but that is the most bullsh$y answer ever. Sounds to me like you are very money hungry and selfish if all you cared about as a child is if your father was paying you money or not, please!~~ I could understand if he quit seeing or talking to you and you felt that way. But money, c'mon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You being a mother I can only pray that some day you realize the true blessing of being able to spend time with a child not how much did someone pay for you. More women bad mouth the fathers to the children about not getting child support and bum dads etc. than this guy explaining to his kids he cares for him 2 times the amount the mother does and probably gets to see his son 1/2 or less theamount of time. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/9/2008 6:54:22 AM | I am sorry, but I totally disagree with the people that think this guy made his kid feel guilty. He never said 'mountains of money'. He never said "see this is what I give your mom, she can buy you whatever your heart desires with this money, don't let her tell you she can't afford something'. He said nothing of the kind. Let me share a story if you will. My parents divorced when I was 7. My Mom and Dad are still bitter toward each other and I'm nearly 40 yrs old. For whatever reason, my Dad did not want to pay support. He had a good job and my Mom was a homemaker who had to go back to school to get her degree. I still do not know the reason he fought it so hard. What I do know, is that my Mom would tell us that he did not pay support. She also told us that it was because he didn't care about us as much as he cared about his money. That is no good for a kid. The OP is doing nothing of this sort. Quit beating him up because he shares more with his kids about finances than you do.  | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/9/2008 3:02:47 PM | You know, I remember when my dad would go on and on about how much he had to pay to provide for us. Nothing says "I love you" like a dollar amount.
sheesh. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:50:08 PM | | I honestly think that a child should know that you both love him but I think that they should also know how the two of you feel for one another or atleast felt and explain how things happend together ofcorse. I believe you have to keep the diffrences couples have had appart even though sometimes it is quite difficult. But atleast there were at some point love in your hearts for one another, it shouldn't be so dissmissed that your child may not know it. (what if I was just one of those babies because my father was just in it for sex) eg... LOL im young if it dosn't make sence well, im also male haha | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/10/2008 2:37:48 AM | Lizzy, you are just so sanctimonious with the statement above. What are you teaching your kids about money in the long run? That if you play your cards right, you don't have to work full-time because someone will always be there to make up the shortfall?
^^^ yes iago, I am making preperations for being declared a saint after I die....gimme a break....is anyone left in the world who has basic common sense?...apparently these forums are not the best place to answer that question!
I don't use money to teach my boys...My children are only children for a short period of time..the misconceptions my kids have formed about money and child support has been directly related to a scenerio that is similiar to the OP's. A parent cannot teach a child to understand finacial responsibility, before they teach what the definition of responsible means to that child....at 9 years old, a kid should be learning how to complete homework on their own, make their own lunch, empty the dishwasher....not the price of gas or electricity.....
Comments from people such as yourself, are a big part of the reason I choose to stay home and work part-time iago.....because I know if I work full-time, I would be raising children who would imitate the attitude of pointing a finger and blaming you seem to have mastered.
Regardless of the finacial circumstances of either parent..........it is completely irresponsible for either parent to burden a child with what adult financial responsibilities are....IMO, anyone who feels the urge to discuss a detailed budget that adults have with a 9 year old...must have some serious issues in life.
And yes...I am planting my seeds in my kids iago....and I am home to make sure that those seeds don't turn into a couple of bad apples! | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/10/2008 4:41:56 AM |
A parent cannot teach a child to understand finacial responsibility, before they teach what the definition of responsible means to that child....at 9 years old, a kid should be learning how to complete homework on their own, make their own lunch, empty the dishwasher....not the price of gas or electricity.....
Well you have no idea what anyone on this thread is teaching their kids as far as these things go. I, for one, would not presume that anyone would be teaching their kids about the cost of living and leaving these other things out.
Personally I feel parents who shelter their kids from this throughout their lives are doing them a disservice, because those kids usually get a big slap in the face when they are out on their own. Kind of like my friend who didn't pump her own gas until she was 21....she had no idea what she was doing. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:05:19 AM | | My ex and I keep all business transactions (that have to do with being divorced) away from the kids. If we are paying for sports, after school activities, etc then we share the cost and responsibility of it mostly for the purpose of teaching our children about money. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:44:38 AM | Well I disagree with Lizabeth because I think it is important that the children understand how the family now it is no longer together is supported. Too many times I have heard friends say that their kids have asked "why does mom have to pay for everything" or questions like that. I in fact went through this with my own daughter who said that her mom bought all of her clothes and that I didn't buy her anything. I just asked her where do you think 1/2 the money comes from for your clothes, shelter, food and activities. She was about 12 at the time and we had been divorced for 8 years by that point and didn't know that i paid support for her.
Now I don't know about telling them the amount, in my case I didn't but that is a personal choice but I do believe that the child should know that the NCP pays support so that they get a balanced view of how family supported rather than being left to think the other is a deadbeat and contributes nothing financially. | |
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