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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/18/2008 5:06:06 AM | Two veteran pilots are sitting on a park bench. Eventually, one says to the other:
“By the way, Joe, how’s your wife?”
“I think she’s dead.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…the sex is the same as always, but the dirty dishes are starting to pile up.” | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/18/2008 5:12:16 AM | On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last moments on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts walking slowly up the aisle toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one else moves. He removes his shirt, muscles rippling across his chest.
She gasps.
Finally he speaks: "Iron this, and get me somethin’ to eat!"
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/18/2008 6:26:52 AM | What a Woman says.
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I
need to clean it up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What A Man Hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/18/2008 6:29:46 AM | What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, will I never know why.
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/19/2008 7:21:08 AM | 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
''After months of careful research, MALE& FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps or your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
============================================================
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:11:12 AM | The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between. | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:27:51 AM | | LMAO........................To Funny! I could strike back but who am I to steal your blaze of glory. If a woman does not get a chuckle out of this forum then trust me she has not yet out grown all her pettiness. | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:40:48 PM | What is the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says............" | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:24:12 AM | DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Here it is nicely illustrated:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, and more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scum balls.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/22/2008 8:32:01 PM | | Yeah, I laughed. But I'm single because my ex's favortie line was, "You can't hurt me. I'm married!" here's mine " I'm single because I decided to stop raising my fifth child. since I only gave birth to four!" Charlela | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/24/2008 11:54:00 AM | a scientist has developed a bra that prevents womens nipples from being noticeable in cold weather and prevents their breasts from wobbling when they move vigorously. its been hailed as a major breakthrough in womens underwear, being both affordable and reliable.
his colleagues are currently beating the sh*t out of him......
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/24/2008 4:22:59 PM | | I LOVE you guys (k, you girls more, cause you're girls...er, women, er...ladies..........whatever). Thanx. | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:08:50 AM | The bartender notices that the man at the end of the bar keeps looking in his shirt pocket. Every time he finishes a drink he looks in his pocket. The bartender asks the man “why do you keep looking in your pocket?” The man replies “I have a picture of my wife in there, after every drink I look at it, when she starts to look good I know it’s time to go home!” | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:11:20 AM | Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument
Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. (have said it)
You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? (have said it..BAD idea)
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. (always say it)
Whoa, time out. Football is on. (have said it...good luck enjoying the game after THIS!)
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b itch flakes this morning! (said it)
Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? (said it...she did it..HA!)
Who are you kidding?We both know that thing ain't loaded. (no f'in way I'm sayin THIS one)
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| Men strike back
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:36:50 AM | When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big ti ts | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:00:46 AM | Great oldsoul
Why do women have such beutiful hair?
The roots get plenty of air!
Why do men go bald?
Too much s**t kills the roots! | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:08:24 PM | Scientists have recently dicsovered that most women will, at some time in their life, contain small amounts of intelligent DNA.
Unfortunately for a large majority of females, this is only a temporary state, as over 95% of them will SPIT IT OUT!!! | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:58:42 AM | Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds,
AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Mark got up really early before work. When his wife
woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window.
And sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box
sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and took the box
into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:39:31 AM | I LOVE this thread...you guys are too funny...lol!
Okay...here's something I found that I thought was cute...no offense intended-- it's all in good fun:)
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New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
All are welcome - Open to men only
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2
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Now here's this one in the name of "equality" ...lol!
It's a Man's World
How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
- Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." <----------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in. <---------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
- I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:26:10 PM | | LOL Good one...........why were tropical storms named after women? Because they are so much alike...........when they enter your life they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your home and car! | |
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:31:53 PM | Why are divorces so expensive?? Because they are WORTH it !! LOL
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| Men strike back
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:33:26 PM | and in the interest of fairness...........What is the first thing married women do with their ass in the morning?.........Feed him breakfast and send him to work! | |
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ntime
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Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 74 | |
| what
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:58:52 PM | | what sense of humor,,, to be alone? ntime | |
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ntime
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Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 75 | |
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