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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:28:18 PM |
My ex is my best friend.
We actually live together still. And spend all our time together. Is that weird?
I'm curious to find out more about that. What's changed in your relationship now? | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:39:14 PM | This is something I have never totally understood either. If.... you cared and enjoyed someones company for any length of time how can you suddenly hate them. Why would you?
Sometimes things just don't work. Why not be friends. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:45:03 PM | | i see a lot of valid points for both sides here, and all i can say is what ive experienced. i think Tom has a very valid point. i was with the same woman 20 years (lived together 6, married 14), and she left me and our kids for another man. that was 5 years ago, and not too long ago, she had a flat tire, and called me to come help her. i said where is jack (her boyfriend), she said he is out of town... so Tom, i see your point very clear, remain friends for backup emergencies... i choose to remain friends, and i use that term very lightly, because of our kids, which are now 19 and 17... certain things we had to talk about going thru divorce, and she didnt like having to pay child support, but abandoment of your children has its price... i didnt go help her, btw, i was at work. she finally had a guy stop and help her... and you know the funny thing about this is, the reason her boyfriend was not called, is because she has just lied to him about where she was before she had the flat, so she COULDNT call him, or he would have known she was lying.... this is the very reason we divorced, and i think even a friendship is based partly on honesty and trust (maybe not to the degree marriage is), but how can you remain good friends with someone that constantly lies to you... on the flip side of the coin, if your relationship prior to marriage was a "best of friends" type thing, and you tested the marriage waters, and it wasnt working, that maybe a bit diff... if you both feel better off as friends, and no outside influences brought about the decision (such as another man/woman, getting someone else pregnant, etc), then remaining friends, in my opinion, is like saying, we made a mistake, lets fix it... every situation is diff, so this is by no means the way i would view every single circumstance... i wouldnt wanna see my ex get run over by a bus, but i wouldnt wanna see a dog get run over by a bus either.... come to your own conclusion on that.... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:50:53 PM | Friends that are exs are fine.
Friends that are exs and take over a current relationship is not good.
Friends that are exs and have romantic tendencies towards the other is not good.
Friends that are exs and still live together is just ackward; and still not good. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:23:08 PM | she had a flat tire, and called me to come help her. i said where is jack (her boyfriend), she said he is out of town... so Tom, i see your point very clear, remain friends for backup emergencies...
WOW. I can see what kind of freind you are. I bet you helped her and now you are stabbing her in the back for reaching out to you. Did it ever occur to you that she thinks you are actually a friend because you have left that door open? Who else do people call when they need help? Strangers? Especially females with tires, they generally need help from a MALE friend, not female. Think about all the times she could have called you but didnt. Maybe your ex IS just using you, but that doesnt mean all women will just USE their ex partners. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:37:20 PM | | Well this was a perfect day for this question. I have remained friends with all my ex's, the long term ones, like a yr or more. In fact my ex-husband and I are still friends and when he remarried I became friends with his wife. Not like we saw each other alot, but we have done things together. Well sadly today my ex-husband informed me that his wife had died and he was going to have to go and take her off of life support today. I could no way let this man do this alone so I went to the hospital to be with him. I feel like he is a very dear friend and will be there for him. Maybe some of you may find this odd, but I don't see any reason for holding a grudge, unless the person is just a complete jerk. To each their own, but this is my story. Debbie | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 10:16:36 PM |
'm curious to find out more about that. What's changed in your relationship now?
I guess the only thing different is the 'intent'.
That and we don't have a sexual relationship anymore. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 10:54:02 PM | Well, rebelinlex, sounds like slumberparty just "sniped" you as well, (it's interesting that She didn't address nor answer my point)
So here is some more unvarnished truth.
I bet you helped her and now you are stabbing her in the back for reaching out to you.
Since he didn't indicate who she was, but only facts, how is stating the facts stabbing her in the back ? So in your view a woman who walked off from her husband and kids deserves protection from the truth? And you're defending this woman? 
I guess some people think they can do whatever they want, without consenquences. And whoever holds them accountable, is somehow mean, evil, and not a friend eh?
Especially females with tires, they generally need help from a MALE friend, not female
Ah and now the truth comes out! you made my point beatifully! The old double-standard! What happened to the old "We women can do ANYTHING you men can do" tripe?
That equality stuff (which I am all for actually if it's real) Only applies to some females ONLY IF IT IS DESIREABLE.
Why does only a MALE have to change a tire? why dont you do it yourself? I'll tell you why. you don't want to get your pretty little hands dirty. Are you telling me that women are intelligent enough to be doctors (MY Doctor is female, and a darn good one) but lacks the intelligence to change a tire?
I take offence that changing a tire is man's work, just like any self respecting female would take exception to a man stating that a woman's place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant!
So not only have you defended a Mother who have abandoned her children, but now you are insinuating that women are weak, and need a MAN"S (oh god forbid)! Help?
Change your own tire girl! A woman who acts "helpless" is not at all attractive to me!!
I rest my case.
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 11:37:03 PM | Tom, no offense and I didn't read what slumper party said, but you come across extremely bitter.
I can change my own tires, spark plugs, distrubutor cap, rotor, serpentine belt, oil, tranny fluid and filter. I've replaced a heater core, and a heck of a lot of other things.
However why is it offensive if a woman asks a man for help?
My ex had a HUG issue that I was the bread winner, and could do all those things, plus swing a hammer to pound in nails, and cut 2x4's with a circular saw, to build a deck. I also changed out electrical fixtures, and lighting... Just to name a few things.
He felt unneeded, and in fact emasculated because if I didn't need him for any of those things that were MANLY, what did I really need him for?
I went through some pretty harsh illnesses, chronic kidney stones was one of those things... My ex would pi$$ and moan if I had to go to the hospital, and have me get up to find out when I was going to be released when we went, even though I was doubled over in pain.
About a month ago at 3:30 am my ex called me up and wanted me to come over because he was sick, and didn't know what was wrong with him. His anxiety was getting to him, and he thought he was having a heart attack.
I went over, patched him up from the imbalance of electrolites, and dehydration he had. Then laid down with our son to get him off to school.
My ex did a CRAP load of horrible things, and I mean a crap load...
BUT, I don't have the mentality to carry those grudges. Nor will I tell him to fix his OWN illness, because he was a crappy spouse, and deserves to be miserable. I have the training, campassion and know how... My son sees this compassion, and is a better child because he knows he has parents that can be caring even after they are divorced.
I have stated my ex and I do get along.. I have helped him out MANY times, and he has helped me out many times... That is what two people do that can put the past behind them, and see the good in the other, that they seen the first time around.
Take responsibility for each ones fault is the first step to being able to build a friendship.
I rest my case.
I find your "case" extremely faulty.
Men leave their kids a good portion of time. There are plenty who don't pay child support, nor spend ANY time with their kids.
IT IS a case by case situation.
You have heard one side of the story, HIS... Now if you had HER side, and then drew from both to find the truth... Your argument would have merit... However jumping someone and saying there is this thing called equality, blah blah blah... Well sure...
Some men get the fact that some women CAN'T pry off the freaking lugnuts, because they were tightened by a man. I wonder if the other poster who didn't help his ex, felt like he gained anything from it? He certainly isn't obligated, but apparently she thought highly enough of him to ask him for help...
If I don't like a person, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ask for their help...
Some men like to feel like they can show kindness in a manly way... Just as some women like to show kindness in a womanly way... IE doing there BF laundry, picking up his house, cooking dinner for him..
You take offense that changing a tire is mans work? Well perhaps you can suggest to your fellow men to make jacks ANYONE can use, and lugnuts that can be gotten off by a small woman... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 11:40:57 PM | Rose, don't try to defend yourself.
Some people have complete bitter grapes in life, then don't get it as to WHY the opposit IS put off by them.
There is NOTHING wrong with being roommates with your ex if it works out for you... ESPECIALLY since you are working your butt off by going to school so you CAN stand on your own two feet.
Besides, who says a male doesn't benefit by splitting the expenses.
The two of you know each other, know each others habits, and don't have to worry that they will get jacked around like people who have strangers for roommates...
Good going | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 12:40:08 AM |
I guess the only thing different is the 'intent'.
That and we don't have a sexual relationship anymore.
Cool.
Sharing rent with someone, rather than standing on your own......... is that not a form of dependence?
Not enough to matter. You can have that same form of dependence with a complete stranger such as a random roommate.
Tom, no offense and I didn't read what slumper party said, but you come across extremely bitter.
I can change my own tires, spark plugs, distrubutor cap, rotor, serpentine belt, oil, tranny fluid and filter. I've replaced a heater core, and a heck of a lot of other things.
However why is it offensive if a woman asks a man for help?
I wouldn't call Tom bitter, just a little too convinced. I had a woman friend who helped me, my brother, and my man friend change a tire in his car. She basically took the lead in the job. Didn't need any of our help, which was cool, cause none of us really wanted to get our hands dirty.
I'm not sure if Tom finds if offensive when a woman asks a man for help, however it probably holds more significance to him than it should. Sometimes a complete stranger asks for help. Personally, I usually refuse. Just not a "nice guy" - sorry. But when a friend or even an aquaintence asks for help, I feel obligated. When an enemy asks for help, which I think might be the case Tom is imagining, I usually smile and ask, "What's in it for me?" And then I take a long time to decide whether or not I want to offer help.
Personally, I just see Tom's position as that of having most, or even all, of his exes as enemies. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 1:03:08 AM | | Ahmen Handsm5. I was in such a relationship where my boyfriend talked with his four ex's on a daily basis and it was hurtful to me to be ignored for hours on end and childish on all of their part not to respect his new relationship. They all "needed" my mans shoulder to lean on or cry on constantly and it would go on for hours. He would run to their homes to comfort them or drive them somewhere or put in computers or set up businesses while I sat home. Was a sick way for them to hang on to each other "just in case". For all of you who think this is a fair way to treat somone new in your lives and that they should respect your relationships or get out, you are being rude, selfish and uncaring of your new significant other. He or she should be top of the list with you. Get over it and move on like we all thought you did when you broke up. "Get over it already". Respect the one you are with. And pe0ple, if you are being treated like the outsider in your new relationship, take my advice and get the hell out of dodge. There are actually people out here without that emotional baggage they drag along and expect you to just climb on top of with the gang. Respect yourself because they obviously will never do so. A relationship should involve two grown ups supporting each other and devoted to each other. When your man or woman is spending all their time involved with the ex's problems, they haven't moved on at all and you'll just be another ex soon enough. Hopefully you won't join the gang. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 1:10:16 AM | Clearly, it's a good thing. If you are not at least good friends then a relationship is not possible.
And let's be real for a minute ... it's a lot harsher to be told by a lover that they don't wanna be your friend than it is to be told by a friend that they don't wanna be your lover. At least that's how I see it. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:50:40 AM |
I can change my own tires, spark plugs, distrubutor cap, rotor, serpentine belt, oil, tranny fluid and filter. I've replaced a heater core, and a heck of a lot of other things.
nexthyme , exactly my point. Maybe it's just me, but I find a woman who can do those things Extremely attractive. Someone who could stand by my side, and build a hot-rod, or rebuild a classic car.
Evidently, my last post came across as very crass. It's not the fact that I'm cold and uncaring. it's the simple fact that some people expect help "just because" Some people, (and I feel that the one I was addressing is like this) likes to play people.
Tom, no offense and I didn't read what slumper party said, but you come across extremely bitter.
None taken. Bitter? no. opinionated? Yes. jaded? perhaps. Written text comes off far more crass than the spoken word.
What I look at is the underlying intentions of person. If I feel they have an hidden agenda, then no, I won't help them.
I do get along with my ex. But I would not say we are friends. It's impossible to trust someone who cannot be truthful.
Actually, I'm quite aware that some women lack the power to break loose a lug nut. what really cheeses me though, is a woman who has no desire to learn. I simply made that comment to make a point. If I said something to the effect of, "oh thats a woman's job" I would get hate mail !
Take Care
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:57:51 AM | yanaldavid (OP)
You are only 19 years old, as you get older and go through more relatioinships, you will find it is not alway the best idea to stay friends with someone you have had a relationship with UNLESS there are children involved.
You say there is no romantic feelings involved..you can speak for yourself and unless you are a mind reader you don't know whats going on in his head.
To truly move forward into a NEW relationship you need to wipe the slate clean and start fresh and that means not maintaining constant contact with an ex.
I am not saying going out of your way and be mean or totally avoid that person, but to maintain ongoing friendship and dialog is so unneccessary.
I know women that maintain this so called friendship so they can basically use the ex. when they need.
Like use the cop, to get you out of that speeding ticket, the lawyer for free legal advice, the handyman , so you can get stuff fixed, etc..
Cmon ladies, you know thats true, I can you laughing from all the way over here! | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:09:01 AM |
I'm not sure if Tom finds if offensive when a woman asks a man for help
No I do render help if needed. but have you ever been in a situation that you help a 'friend' and then she expects more and more taking up all your time?
It's just the fact that in this world, there are too many people (male and female) who do not try to better their lives, that have just sit down and given up, expecting everyone to give give give.
Personally, I just see Tom's position as that of having most, or even all, of his exes as enemies.
Oh if it were that simple ! I talk to my ex wife quite frequently because of our son. I'm not mean to her, Simply because 1 it would upset our son and 2 it's wrong. Is She my friend? No. you have to have trust to be a friend, and that was shattered long ago.
I dont think no one here can look at someone they have been involved with and feel nothing. (unless they are completely heartless) personally, I choose not to expose myself to that. Would it not also be painful to the current mate as well?
What sets me off, is what I guess some people would call "players" People who dont really give a rats-azz about you, as long as they get "theirs", no matter how many people they have to screw over to get it.
I hope this clears up some things.
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:31:39 AM | Tom:
Since you couldn't resist responding to me and actually stated you were suprised that I didnt respond, I'll give you this. (and I didn't have time to read what looked like a page long lecture from you, but I did read a few misc. lines here and there)
I am not here to spite anyone or to "snipe" them. I am here to state My Opinion. I am not here to agree with yours. I wont "take your bait" when you say things like I have probaly chosen the wrong men in the past. I wont take your bait when you say things like it's a double standard when a woman calls her friend to change a tire, (and yes, I change my own tires, thank you), I am only here to read what others have written and to express my own opinion.
And I will end politely, not with my opinions about the way you write or the way you talk about women (I mean seriously, what man would take offense that I admitted that sometimes a man has more strength to be able to change a tire, not all lugnuts come off easily you know), because you wouldn't understand anyway. I am not here to bump heads with anyone or to defend opinions to a stranger named Tom.
PS - Thank you Nexthyme. I agree with your opinions totally.
PPS-
I'm not sure if Tom finds if offensive when a woman asks a man for help, however it probably holds more significance to him than it should. Sometimes a complete stranger asks for help.
DonkeyPimp - Nicely said, you are right. Anyone who is that resentful about a friend asking for help or who throws such a fit about men changing tires is not someone I really would want as a friend. Friends dont keep score, they dont make a big deal out of little things, they are simply just there for you.
And I had a car once where the tire was completely shred. I pulled over to change it, got the jack out, jacked the car up (all in my pretty work clothes), got out the wrench, pulled out the spare and then when I tried to get the old tire off, the nuts would not budge.
Two strangers came over to help me, (both of which were men, they must of thought men were stronger and would able to help, which I would agreed) but unfortunately, they couldn't get the nuts loose either. They referred me to a very nice mechanic right down the road, I followed them with my flat tire and the man at the shop had to use his power gun to get the nuts off. He changed the tire and didn't charge me a dime.
Guess who I will never forget? Guess who I will go back to in the future when my car needs repair? Guess how many people I have referred to that shop? And of course, I help as many friends and strangers as I can. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:02:03 AM |
I know women that maintain this so called friendship so they can basically use the ex. when they need.
Like use the cop, to get you out of that speeding ticket, the lawyer for free legal advice, the handyman , so you can get stuff fixed, etc..
My point exactly! ALL women are not like this, however, many of them are.
Judging from the reactions, I think we may have hit a nerve.
I'm not going to respond to the last post directed at me., I like an intelligent debate where the points/issues are addressed, not avoided.
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:09:38 AM | I'm not going to respond to the last post directed at me., I like an intelligent debate where the points/issues are addressed, not avoided.
Tom
There you go, that is the smartest thing I have heard you say yet. Some people are not here to debate, so I am glad you picked up on the fact that I am one of them. But, I am sure you can (and have and will) pick a debate with someone else.
And the fact that you imply that I am not intelligent and that I avoid issues is the exact reason why I wont "debate" with you. Trying to "psych" someone out is not the sign of intelligence. It is weak. I had an ex who tried the reason using the same tactics as you and I dumped him. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:25:59 AM | | So how many friends do u have Tombstone Tom (msg 7) lol Women friends that is..."Dependence without commitment" What the hell is that? lol Hard-assed attitude. You're not kidding. Who you're really directing that at is the users and abusers...and as i say...u attract who u are. Just being brutally honest. :) | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:51:58 AM | Posted By: slumberparty on 2/10/2008 1039 AM
"had to use his power gun to get the nuts off. "
Oh yeaaaa ,"slumberparty".... that sounds kinda naughty...lol
C'mon people stop all the and stick to the actual question posted by the OP.
I like reading other's well written opinions, but once you start engaging another person's post, then it just becomes a public battle usually going off subject.
people......keep the posts short and to the point....most of us lose interest half way through reading those long dragging ones,
or maybe its just me and I have ADD, or something...lol
Have a great day ! | |
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