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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:37:13 AM |
So how many friends do u have Tombstone Tom (msg 7
Three "true" friends that would be there day or night. I have heard that if you have one true friend, you are lucky.
Dependence without commitment" What the hell is that
It simply means that some people will still expect you to do boyfriend-girlfriend things long after the relationship is over. They want the benifits of a relationship, but not a relationship as per se.
For example, I once (briefly) dated a woman who was living with her ex BF, "Oh I love him like a brother" thing. I realized that as long as she was getting a free ride, she was content with this. I was very put-off by her lack of motivation to be independent, Not dependent on me either, but to at LEAST have the drive and desire to better her plight.
Honestly, would you not raise an eyebrow dating someone living with someone they have been intimate with? long after I broke it off, I still get voice mails and texts from her asking me to do things for her.
I feel that anyone who lives off of others, just because of a possibility of a relationship is flat out wrong. Ive seen this conduct from men and women both. They play the friends care to the hilt, just to get a free ride, or advantage. I know for a fact this exists.
To me, it is simply taking advantage of someone being lonely. Lonliness is a terrible thing (sometimes) and any person male or female would would take adavantage of that, is simply not a good person in my book.
Hard-assed attitude. You're not kidding
You are correct. I am hard assed, but not without feelings Finding a life-partner is difficult enough, than have to endure the games that some people play. That is why I can identify them....and avoid them.
Just being brutally honest. :)
I respect that very much. Thank you. I still maintain that being friends with an Ex, is counterproductive. Friends and relatrionships share things like respect, honesty, and caring. If a relationship fails because of some dishonesty or disrespect, then by definition they CAN NOT ever be a true friend.
Take Care
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:39:19 AM |
And I had a car once where the tire was completely shred. I pulled over to change it, got the jack out, jacked the car up (all in my pretty work clothes), got out the wrench, pulled out the spare and then when I tried to get the old tire off, the nuts would not budge.
Thank you slumberparty. Yeah, I've had similar occurences. For future reference, whenever I can't get the lugnuts loose, I look for something I can use to extend the wrench, since alloy wheels expand/contract at a different rate than steel lugnuts so they often do get stuck.
Anyway, as for helping out strangers, I've done it before and will probably do it again, but it isn't a frequent occurance. Whenever I see a fellow motorcyclist with a problem, Ihelp. If it's anyone else, usually not.
No I do render help if needed. but have you ever been in a situation that you help a 'friend' and then she expects more and more taking up all your time?
It's just the fact that in this world, there are too many people (male and female) who do not try to better their lives, that have just sit down and given up, expecting everyone to give give give.
Actually, my brother is like that. And it isn't a lack of trust, it's just how he was raised. Our parents spoiled him. So when he says, "Will you help me?", What he really means is, "Will you do it for me without any effort or participation on my part?"
But I don't use that as a reason not to trust him, I just know that it's how he was raised so it's how he reacts. He is trying to better his life and he's actually diong a decent job of it, but he wasn't raised like I was so he understands certain things differently than I do.
I dont think no one here can look at someone they have been involved with and feel nothing. (unless they are completely heartless) personally, I choose not to expose myself to that. Would it not also be painful to the current mate as well?
Yep, and someone else posting in this thread also pointed that out. It's a good point.
What sets me off, is what I guess some people would call "players" People who dont really give a rats-azz about you, as long as they get "theirs", no matter how many people they have to screw over to get it.
I hope this clears up some things.
Tom
Yeah, that clarifies things. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:47:34 AM | I'd love to be friends with my ex, but her behaviour precludes that. So the best I'll get is tolerance.
Sometimes.
Oh, well - Life goes on.
But do be sure not to parade your friendship with the ex in front of your current flame. IMO, that would just be fuel for a fire.
Annudder | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:55:06 AM | I think some people are in the forums just for the confrontations.
There should be thread called , "Lets Battle", and you can post about anything that you think will cause a others to come firing back...lol
All this quoting and argueing is just crazy. When I first started posting in forums , I too got caught up in the battles but realize , some are in here just for that reason.
To cause conflict and confrontation because they feed on it.
I tried started a thread asking people's opinion on this but of course those confrontational people, voted it to be deleted and it was.
oops...I went totally off the subject of the OP.........Sorry! | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:04:15 AM |
I think some people are in the forums just for the confrontations.
There should be thread called , "Lets Battle", and you can post about anything that you think will cause a others to come firing back...lol
All this quoting and argueing is just crazy.
Actually, none of the posts on this page are confrontational. Seems more like friendly debate and finding out where people stand. The replies have been for clarification. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:09:02 AM | Donkey Pimp,
Thanks for the insight...
I don't have any significant exes as enemies.
There are ones I don't talk to, there are is an ex bf that I finally told to not contact me any longer, but I don't have any that I see as enemies.
To me life is to short. I don't let my past experiences color my future experiences in such away that I don't trust anyone right off, nor do I look at other people exes as being the enemy. It always takes to sides to get to that point.
Thanks  | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:21:02 AM | Tom thanks for the reply.
I noted someone said the must be a nerve hit. Yes, a nerve is hit when things become polorized, and some of the posters start demonizing the opposit sex.
What I look at is the underlying intentions of person. If I feel they have an hidden agenda, then no, I won't help them.
I guess it takes knowing the person, to know for sure they have an underlying agenda.
I personally don't operate in that fashion, so I don't think of others as operating in that fashion until they prove different.
Has that gotten me "used" yes, and it didn't feel very good.
Are there game players sure... However I think all of us have a "game" whether it be the intent to find someone we really are compatible with, are just getting through life, or ones trying to mess with other people.
Perhaps I am niave, and think there are fewer people out there that want to mess people up... I don't know.
Have a great day. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:48:49 AM | You know, even though my EX got caught cheating, I tried to be a Good Sport about being friends with him after we split up, for our Daughter's sake. However, this did not work to say the least. Not because of me being bitter, but because he was bitter about me getting on with my life and dating other guys. He's Italian and Italians believe that it's ok for the man to have other women, but the women cannot have other men in thier lives, even as friends. Talk about your DOUBLE STANDARDS!
I even had a hard time getting him to pay child support (Big Surprise there) because he just couldn't accept the divorce even though he's the one that initiated it! The Dumb Jerk took it out on our Daughter. How can I be friends with an Idiot like that?
My Beautiful Daughter is now married and has a son of her own (who is the Love of my life) and she and her Husband adore the Boy. Ironically, my Son-in-Law's Father also has no contact with him. But both parents know the importance of being
in a child's life even though there might be a divorce involved. There's a saying when it comes to this situation, "You divorce your Spouse, you don't divorce your child". I am glad for those couples who can "remain friends" after the divorce, unfortunately for my daughter, that never happened between me and my EX. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:50:53 AM | Wow I've just signed on here and seen all these replies and I must say everyone's views are different. I agree to some people who have posted I am only 19, true I am. But I see no reason in maintaining a friendship if there is a friendship still there.
And to the people who says we just use our exes, not all of us are like that!!! My friendships with my exes are very two-way and we all get on well. My previous ex and I are really just good friends and nothing more, even to this day, he is still here for me when I need him as I live alone at the moment whilst my parents are in Spain and he knows how lonely I get. He always calls me up and sees how I am  | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 5:08:05 PM | No problem Nexthyme
some of the posters start demonizing the opposit sex.
I agree. To read my posts on the surface, one might think I hate women. The opposite is true, I adore women.
What is a woman to me? Is a tough ol' gal, whom I'd be happy to help. but if I were gone on a job, I would be confident that she can can handle most anything that comes up. A true Woman, not just a female that acts helpless, I can't stand that. A woman who will stand eye to eye, and toe to toe to me, and not always agree. I've been known to be wrong, and it's great to get another perspective.
Are there game players sure... However I think all of us have a "game" whether it be the intent to find someone we really are compatible with, are just getting through life, or ones trying to mess with other people.
Maybe I'm a little too black and white in my thinking, but I I view seeking a life-partner seriously. maybe a little too seriously
Perhaps I am niave,
Conversely, perhaps I'm a bit jaded.
Back at ya Sweetheart
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:38:46 PM | I dont' think its bad to friends with your ex. I am friends with the majority of my ex's. In fact, just like roserosersose by last ex bf is currently living with me to share living expenses. We get along alot better now that we do not have an intimate relationship with each other and have a strictly plutonic one. My ex's and i hang out in the same circle of friends and have a great time. It all depends on the relationship you had with your ex, and if your ex wants to still be friends. Every relationship is different. But for me staying friends with my ex's works... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:43:26 PM | Ex's for me are past tense. If I was close friends with them before our relationship started then we usually get back to the friends months or a year later, but there is always time you have to seperate yourselves from. If not then it is hard on the both of you as well as any future partners.
Some of my friends hang out with their ex's only with underlying reasons and never tell anyone but me about wanting him to want her again.
I don't know I thinks it is ok as long as it is a healthy friendship. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/12/2008 12:27:08 PM | Eh, its really hit and miss ! My X and I are friends but have a lot of fights still especially since I have been seeing my new girlfriend!
I really wish we could just get along.. but its almost like sometimes she just wants to fight about everything | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/12/2008 1:23:34 PM | If BOTH parties want to remain freinds, there is no issue for me. Let's face it, you enjoyed thier company at some point, so maybe you can still do some of the activities together you once did as a couple...again, both have to be wanting that.
If one is just hangin around cause they may want more, it wont work. Been there, done that, already tossed the Tshirt souvineer. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/12/2008 2:32:29 PM | I don't think it's a bad thing per se and probably depends on the intensity of the relationship before it broke off as well as what each person wants or can handle.
My own experience is that I do not stay friends, in the sense of hanging out and spending time together and the one time I've tried to do otherwise, it can't work out.
Not for me.
I define an 'ex' not as someone I had a few dates with, but someone I was seriously involved with. And that doesn't happen often. I need a lot of distance and time and by then being 'friends' doesn't matter too much to me.
The one time I tried recently to remain friends with an ex, I was fine so long as we talked on the phone occasionally. When I saw him in person, it was another ball of wax. I tried to do what many of you are saying, be all mature and disconnected but I violated my own rule of distance and time. I found myself too soon trying to be civil with someone I didn't feel all that civil towards and it's been a mistake.
So, I think it's 'bad' only if 1) it was a serious relationship for both and 2) trying to be friends too soon, too fast. I think I'd even tend to lean more towards not remaining friends because in fact I am not friends with any of my ex's. I don't hate them, but I don't hang out with them either. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:17:08 PM | | I've said it before and will say it again. Of course it is ok to be friends with an ex. They were part of your life and contribute to who you are, BUT if the ex is the main topic of discussion, talks bad about your new partner because they are jealous or possesive of you and you don't correct the ex, or if they are "joking" about running off with you, this is not cool and will kill your new relationship. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:38:03 PM | I believe it depends on the situation;
1) why did you seperate?
2) How do they deal with hurt, and how are they treating you after the fact? (assuming you ended things) or vice versa in the other sense.
If things end mutually and there is respect there, then it should be a bonus. If you respected someone enough to have a relationship with them, then obviously they have good things about them you admire. However, there are most likely some faults there aswell, and that's why you ended it. But with any friends, you accept certain faults, and respect them for posessing other qualities that are admirable. I am friends with a good portion of my x's, except those who couldn't handle the jealousy thing when I get involved with someone else. Even if there are some things that have gone sideways in a relationship, as long as there is honesty amongst eachother and good intentions, it should be able to be worked out as long as both parties are mature and non jealous. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:45:45 AM | I have thought much about this this evening.
Digging up old feelings is dangerious. and having the EX as a "friend" (I use that term loosely, see my past posts) IMO, is inviting trouble.
There is an old saying " The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know" certainly seems to apply here.
If I seem hard-assed, it's really not that. I have set some rules to live by, and this happens to be one of them. I have some very valid reasons, as I have pointed out. Basically, I do not see anything healthy associating with someone I have been intimate with. this is not to say that I am not nice to them when I see them, but I sure as hell do not want to hang out with them.
First off, if she is in a new relationship, then my presence in her life could possibly strain that relationship. Same for me. The situation is easily avoidable.
Second, you will find yourself doing "stuff" for your ex, "just because" maybe the insincurity factor comes into play here.
third, Friendship often ends in love, Love ending in friendship? Never.
My opinion only
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:59:41 AM | | my recent ex had a habit of wanting to spend more time with them than with me...always in the pub and always round thier homes...dont know why he bothered going out with me at all. Even went on holiday with me..at my expense and wanted to buy them all presents He never bought me anything or even helped around the house etc..so i say good riddance and i will wait till i find someone that is there for me | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:00:26 AM | I am no longer friends with my first ex. I severed all ties with her after we broke up.
On the other hand, I am still friends with my second ex. When we first got together she said "I want to be friends no matter what." She still said that after our mutual break up.
I talk to her on instant messenger whenever she's on. I send her the occasional text.
So it's not a bad thing, it's completely dependent on the set of circumstances you're faced with. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:05:05 PM | | I do not think it is a character flaw to be able to be friends with someone you should have cared about if you entered into a relationship with them. Dating is an experience to learn and grow to know another person, and hopefully if you are dating a person, you grow to respect them and share common goals and interests. That a relationship is not static and does not remain with romantic interests does not mean a relationship or friendship is flawed. THe only problem is to make sure that boundaries of friendship are not crossed into romantic relationships again if one or both of the people are in new relationships. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/17/2008 7:11:20 PM | I don't think so "OP" nothing wrong in being friends with ex's, I only have had a couple of relationships my whole life. I am still friends with my both my ex's. My first ex-boyfriend I have known for over 25 years. We went out for two years. The other one for nine months. I am completely over the one whom I dated for two years. That was 11 years ago. The other one as well, over with.
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/17/2008 7:32:40 PM | Had you asked me a year ago, I would have replied with an emphatic "no"...
But then my last relationship (six long years, seeming more like 60) ended abruptly and I even saw it coming from a few miles down the road. I was vehement, especially when I found out a few weeks later she was going to start dating a friend of mine, whom I also worked with...
please bare through this before you condemn her....
Fact of the matter is that people can change. We were perfect for each other at one time, and we grew apart, er.... she grew apart from me and I came to respect her for having the honesty to tell me so much without cheating and lying, after I got over being heart-broken of course. We've talked a LOT since then, and we've both said things that should have been said a few years back. Now, we're still close. She calls me on her breaks at work and I send her goofy texts and what-nots. She's getting married this October, just before my birthday. She has asked me to play guitar at her wedding, and I plan on doing just that. It's hard for me to ignore that 6 year history - she knows me better than anyone else, and I am grateful for her friendship...
My other failed relationships... *shudder* Ah, to be young.... er, younger, at least! | |
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