| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/17/2008 9:27:15 PM | | I don't think it is a bad thing. I am friends with an Ex of mine and she turned out to be one of my best friends. We still talk all the time and I can talk to her about other women and her about other men and neither of us gets jealous. Maybe it helped that after we broke up I went on deployment and didn't write her until I got back 4 months later. I think if I hadn't it might have been a bit harder to stay friends. I suggest waiting a little while to be friends with an ex and let everything cool down. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:19:16 PM | | I'm friends with my ex. That's not to say I respect him, however. On the other hand, he serves certain (albeit limited) roles and functions in my life at present as I do in his. The romance, however, will never be rekindled. We're both aware of too many things in the other's base values for that to ever again happen. I imagine, over time, as we both develop our respective lifes, we'll find less need to look to one another and w'ell most likely drift apart. Only time will tell. LOL ask me in 5 years! ;) | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 4:36:38 AM | | Friends with all my exes bar one. To reiterate previous posts, it does matter what you have broken up about, and I have found that it has never helped to try to be friends right after breaking up. Break ups are never equally mutual, and keeping in contact as friends right after breaking up can be so painful as you watch lives being rebuilt without each other included in them. Give it a year or so with just email/facebook contact and see how you feel after that. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 6:44:53 AM | | there's nothing wrong with being friends with your exes. my 1st ex husband and i kept friends until the day he died, my 2nd ex husband well, we were friends until he started up with his lies and causing trouble again, my ex boyfriend and i are the best of friends, he's there for me to talk to and i'm there for him. believe it or not, his girlfriend is even cool with the fact that he's keeping friends with me, she and i talk as well. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:04:51 AM | My rule of thumb is:
Unless you have kids together or run a business you should not maintain a friendship. My first ex and I are good friends because we are raising our kids, otherwise I would not be in contact with him. My second ex strongly believes in maintaining friendships with his ex's... to bad he neglected to tell me about them! LOL
Needless to say he is NOT my friend. Every situation is different, everyone involved needs to respected and communication open and clear.
Ciao, Silk | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:35:49 AM | If you personally can handle it ~ I'd say no! It's not a bad thing.
My feelings has always been , ~ It seems such a waste to throw away parts of your past ~ For the better or the worst of it ~ It's yours ~ a part of you~ you earned it ` lived it ~ It's where you came from ~ not where you are going.
Even if it's a shamful ~ experience ~ from that you grow ~ and you learn much from watching others grow as well. ~
One should learn to protect themselfs ~ You need to understand exactly ~~ who "you" are ~~ And you are only resposible for you ~ What others say and do ~ is not yours ~ but theirs. ~
Conduct yourself with sincerity, intent and purpose ~ and you will be fine.
Thats not to suggest others will or they might attempt to defer blame and or guilt ~ in a 19 to 29 crowd ~ you'll be exposed to a lot of misdirected feeling and emotions on the part of others ~ They are not mature ~~ yet.
You are reaching into the arena ~ of grown ups! ~ darn it! ~ you are taking the first baby steps ~ Read you profile ~ you've got a good start young lady.
best wishes ~ keep as many healthy options open as possible ~ without steping stones you are just floating about ~ the path from hence you came needs to be clear ~ some wish to hid this path and live in lies and deceit in favor of a prettier picture, one of make believe ~ they hid their scars and cast illusions only to find themselfs years down the road totally lost ,confused and bitter. Wondering~~ "Why" must it be this way?"
~dar ~ | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:43:02 AM | I guess it depends on how/why you broke up.
Some situations you just can't be friends with someone again.
If you get along with your ex's just consider yourself lucky that they didn't do you wrong. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:52:29 AM | | Depending on the situation of course but absolutely not I am still friends with my ex-husband of 23 years. He has offered me a shoulder when I needed but I know my limits as he is happily re-married. Hey you can never have enough friends right? | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/18/2008 8:07:09 AM | | I am friends with all my ex's too. It probably depends on why things ended. If someone cheated I doubt I would be their friend. Maybe in time I would because hating or disliking someone takes a lot more can make you a very bitter person. I usually forgive but I never forget. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:18:00 PM | msg. 82 >>> My feelings has always been , ~ It seems such a waste to throw away parts of your past ~ For the better or the worst of it ~ It's yours ~ a part of you~ you earned it ` lived it ~ It's where you came from ~ not where you are going.
I agree with this post. I realize that under certain circumstances it's next to impossible to be able to stay friends. However, if the relationship ended because you each grew in different directions or you had irreconcilable differences but were truly friends as well as lovers, why let a good friendship fade away and die? Some people are awesome friends but suck at boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Good friends are hard enough to find. Just because my ex and I are not together as a couple anymore, I couldn't imagine my life without him as a friend. The good out weighs the bad.
There's a saying ... "Never regret anything that once made you smile". | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:44:10 AM | Love that saying dreamer.
My x wife and I split up 2 years ago and I still remain very close to her.
We do have two children so yes there will always be a bond.
We just could not live with each other when we split up not for any bad reasons other than growing apart at the time.
I will always be there for any time she needs a shoulder and I know the same is true with her for me.
Hey we even laugh and talk about our fishcapades together when we get to gether with the kids for dinner. I do go there at least every second week and have dinner with them all.
just my 2 cents that it is entirely possible to remain friends.
I remember I heard somewhere that you can love someone but can;t live with them ,
Does not mean you have to hate them. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:31:59 AM | Well..
If you find yourself asking this question about your ex (which I did too), I guess it means that he/she doesn't really fit into that common definition of being a 'friend' nor being an 'ex' nor being your 'loved one'. There are certain assumptions and expectations beyond those descriptions. Is it really beneficial to limit ourselves to those? Our language is far far too limited to describe the complete human relation.
Perhaps what is best, is to treat the person as that person. Treat the person as who he/she is. I'm sure we have a good idea of that other person after spending some time with him/her already. And who he/she is.. is defined so much more than just by the word 'friends' or 'ex'.
I think as long as you are true to yourself all will be fine. Do the things that you want to do, that you are comfortable to do, that you can afford to do without too big of an expectation that will leave your heart broken in the end... or worse... questioned your own identity.
:) | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:46:29 AM | I think that there is nothing wrong with being friends with your ex's, I live with my ex(moved in 3 months ago) and her sister(we dated 5 years ago, we've both moved on). There is no attraction there and we fight like we're family and that is all good. It is possible to be friends with your ex's it all mainly depends on how your relationship went, how the break up was and if things ended on mutual terms etc.
Now when it comes to your current bf/gf being friends with their ex's is a different story(depending on the person). I was with someone last year that was friends with their ex's and I had no problem with it, I trusted her 100 percent. Well we broke up because she wanted a break and I left her alone and then 4 months later she writes me an e-mail after no contact telling she was in love with her ex and they are back together. She told me while we were dating that she would never date him again.
So yes it is possible to be friends with your ex's but there has to be no feelings, everything in the relationship and the break up went well, no one got hurt etc. Also too it depends on how mature both parties are, if someone wants to be immature and try to get revenge etc then its not going to work. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:26:40 AM | | It all depends on the relationship before. If you had a relationship that just grew into a cool friendship thats fine. However I've seen way too many guys and girls use the friendship as an out and they are obviously still there for each other in more than friendly ways. If you're dating someone who seems too close to there ex...they most probably are way too close to there ex. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:44:12 AM | I'm friends with my ex husband & beaus except one ex-beau. The only reason for that is the woman he cheated on me with had some skank call me from a drug rehab center in No. CA to threaten me. Nice people I guess & classy too. NOT.
If someone is special enough to take them into your heart, I would think they are worthwhile to take the time to work through things so that a good friendship can continue. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That is unless they turn out to be some sort of phycho nutcase or something. Then I guess you have to take every case on an individual basis. No 2 relationships are the same. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:14:45 AM | But, as friends, they are okay. They have all dropped hints recently about wanting to have sex with me again though. And 2 of them want a second chance.
Here's one big reason that could (and did) cause me to cut off trying to maintain friendship. One or the other would inevitably read that to mean more than it does.
Being civil for the sake of kids is appropriate, but I think seeing each other with mutual friends really muddies the water, especially for kids, but for you too. There's the problem of focus - if you're still maintaining a relationship that is OVER, what do you have left for the next one? I'd be really taken aback to meet someone, get introduced round the table, and that person says "this is my ex". I'd think "He's not done with her." Especially if they are still arguing or fighting over silly things - if there's still enough heat there to fight, I'd be concerned. If you're fighting and arguing about things other than kids (because there's always going to be that ongoing negotiation over kids) why in the world do you still have that person in your life?
I know there are a lot of people who manage to blend the old spouse and family and friends with the new, I just think it must be very confusing sometimes. Perhaps I'm just not cool enough to juggle all that.
Are we talking ex-boyfriend or ex-spouse here? I would think there's a big difference in a long term marriage and a "relationship" that may or may not be a few months to a few years in duration. As someone else said, I don't think its clear here what kind of relationships we're talking about in the original question nor in several of the responses. My point of view is that of someone in a long marriage (26 years) so that maybe makes a big difference in my opinion.
I'd have to think that your history with the ex - inside jokes, shared history, all that - would be disconcerting, if not threatening to a new love interest, especially if you're actually dating and meeting new people in this mixed group that includes the ex.
I'm also having trouble with the concept of being friends with someone I don't respect. I don't think you have to be actively hating your ex, in fact that's just as bad as maintaining a friendship hoping for more. Still too much focus on something you should have moved on from.
Jules | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:32:40 AM | Big NO Way
It is not a bad thing to be friends with your exes.
If it weren't for my exes I would not have been able to figure a few problems out especially when life gets a little over whelming.
They have shown me a lot of good in myself.
I mean they are always there for us .
where are these people who yell, "OHH YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!!! EWWW I CAN'T HANDLE THIS?"
I say it is not a bad thing to be friends with your exes because they will be there for you when you fall.
When the right man comes along he will understand this .
Take care of yourself and I say, "YAAAA YOU HAVE MORE MEN AROUND YOU THEN ALOT OF OTHER WOMAN.
YOU ARE ONE OF KIND AND REMAIN THIS WAY!!!
THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE GOOD FRIENDS AROUND YOU!!!
BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO KISS ASS!!!!
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:12:47 PM |
(packagedealx3) I think when enough time passes, even when an X has been horrible, one should be able to get to the point that one wishes him/her well as a human being.
"Wishing someone well" is considerably different than remaining friends with an ex.
It is really quite simple. Sometimes romantic relationships do not work out. This does not mean that it was anyone's fault and if you had a friendship underlying the romantic relationship the things that drew you to the individual in the first place are still there.
It's n0t simple at all: the OTHER person has feelings too; and, while you (not you personally) may have the warm-n-fuzzies for an ex, s/he may NOT feel the same way towards you.
Arlo | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:21:29 PM |
(ktlnow) This is something I have never totally understood either. If.... you cared and enjoyed someones company for any length of time how can you suddenly hate them. Why would you?
Sometimes things just don't work. Why not be friends.
How dos no longer being in someone's life, or allowing him/her into yours, equate to "hating" them?
Arlo | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:01:38 PM |
msg. #95>>>I'd have to think that your history with the ex - inside jokes, shared history, all that - would be disconcerting, if not threatening to a new love interest ....
If a new love interest feels threatened by the exes remaining friends, then it's because self confidence is lacking - or - perhaps the reason would be that the relationship is a superficial and insecure one.
I'm also having trouble with the concept of being friends with someone I don't respect.
I agree, I wouldn't befriend anyone be it an ex or an acquaintance if I didn't have respect for the person. As I posted earlier, real friendship doesn't happen all that often. It shouldn't be neglected just because there are irreconcilable differences. Friends can agree to disagree on some things. Trust and respect are key factors in a solid friendship. As long as those two factors remain intact, as someone has already posted, "the baby shouldn't be thrown out with the bath water"... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:10:49 PM | | OP - The only way I think it's possible (from personal experience, anyway) to remain friends with an ex is if the relationship either ended well or wasn't all that deep to begin with. I've made it a point to drop contact with anyone, friend or romantic entanglement, who treats me with disrespect. Life's too short to deal with that kind of mess. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:33:18 PM | sure it's possible and even a great thing if both parties are 100% over each other, witch usually takes time... i'd say easoly more the a few months and in some cases a few years... it's not like when you break up you say
"awsome well we had a good run at it, considering we both have closuse and we definitly will be able to put our feelings aside... how about you call me in a year and a half from now, we could be great friends" | |
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