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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:29:06 AM | mountaineer69 wrote:
> The crime was Criminal Possession of Leased Property and Bank Fraud.. I got
> pissed at my bank and took my money back through the wire systems and when
> caught the computer wasn't returned resulting in Criminal Possession of Leased
> Property.
Okay, I've read your story. And while I agree this is not a glorious past, I think
the key word in there is "past." And while I can appreciate that you've been
reluctant to tell her about this, if you can pull your head out of the shame cloud
for a moment, you might better see that this is the current crime:
She is 31 and her Dad ran a background check....
Who the heck does he think he is? And why isn't there any jail term for any
31 year old gal who hasn't got enough backbone to tell her father to butt the
hell out of her adult life !
Look, I can appreciate you're not that proud of that little section of your life
from 15 years ago. But it seems to me that sense of shame you're carrying around
these days is severely clouding your thinking, not the least of which is to raise
heck with her for Little Miss Princess not constructing firmer boundaries with
her seemingly emeshed family.
I mean who the heck is she to judge you when at 31 she can't even have enough
backbone to tell Daddy-o to pi**-off and mind his own damn business?
Frankly, perhaps the question isn't so much whether you're good enough for
her, but rather whether she's good enough for you ! -- that at 31, if she doesn't
have balls enough to stand up to her family and keep them out of your relationship,
then you're the one who deserves better than that.
Mark my words, however, if she either can't or won't grow a backbone and stand up
to her father about this issue, then her lack of healthy boundaries and the emeshment
of this family will continue to perpetually plague her relationship with you until
one way or another it just erodes the two of you either sooner or later.
So if she's genuinely a Christian, then tell her to fork out a bit of forgiveness.
And if she truly comes from a privileged family, then maybe Daddy-o can
give her something even adults-children from not so privileged family are
afforded -- the dignity to be treated like a grown up.
And if she can't set healthy boundaries with her family where her and your
relationship is concerned, then my suggestion to you is that you set your
own healthy boundaries by breaking away from her, breaking way from
this emeshed family, and otherwise finding yourself a gal who has a backbone,
who isn't such a princess, and who you could have an enjoyable relationship
with without the interference of a toxic extended family.
What you did in your past 15 years ago isn't such a great thing. But don't
let your sense of shame from back then cloud your thinking now -- don't let
it have you overlooking that you're the one being victimized now, that it's
your place to tell her about your past, in your time, not someone else, and
that you deserve better than some 31 year old supposed adult who apparently
doesn't seem to have the backbone to tell her father to butt out of your
relationship.
But if this gal you're so fond of has no backbone to do that with her old man,
then sincerely, for your own mental health and well being, you're otherwise
much better off with someone else who doesn't have such family emeshment
issues.
Hope that perspective is of some help,
Apolinary | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:34:01 AM | mountaineer69
Well first of all I am honestly sorry for you,
Yea you were stuck between choosing the "devil or the deep blue sea" as the saying goes.
But think about the bigger picture here & from your GF's family's perspective.
First you say something to the effect of, they are privileged & Christian, respected?
What sort of Christians are they? Devout, church going etc?
If this is the case, they would hope you would be of like mind, & not just wearing the Christian label to try & fit in. with them for your own gains (their daughter & her inheritance)
If you are as serious about your faith as they are about theirs I think they would take that into account & not hold your past sins against you.
If you're just wearing the Christian label to snag their daughter, then I'm afraid they'll have real concerns about your character. You're their to bag a prize & possibly an inheritance? yeah it would make them uneasy if they are well off.
If you're sincere as a Christian hopefully they will see it & it will be your redemption.
Possibly your second biggest mistake is your profile. It says you're here to meet women, not good if you claim her to be "the one" You should change it to talk / email if you think she's the one for you.
Imagine if her Dad found your profile & printed it out for her "enlightenment" You're giving him more ammo. She's going to look like a dunce twice over!
Of course I'm just surmiseing on what info you have provided
Hope it ends well for you all. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:45:51 AM | | well im glad you foud out early the type of person she is , a woman that really loves you , will understand and forgive you . do you need more advice? | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:46:53 AM | Apolinary
What if they are a close knit family & she actually seeks the advice of her parents? You & I are only making assumptions as to the nature of their relationships. She's obviously got something over a lot of other women (in the OP's opinion...) | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 4:21:22 AM | There are two issues here, first of all, what were you so embarassed about? With the way most people feel about lending institutions, lawyers, and other means of getting a screwing while going about one's daily business, I am astounded that you felt such shame about this to begin with. Obviously you had a few moments of insanity and to me it was more stupid than criminal.
You learned a very important lesson, that allowing one's emotions to control behavior is bad and can have lingering consequences. The other issue is that while she may be close to her father and he may be protecting her emotionally and financially, she is 31. She is now embarassed because the guy she thought was so wonderful she will now spend a great deal of time explaining to her parents.
Have you offered to go with her and talk to her father? Or tried to talk to the man yourself to explain your lapse and why you have not done anything so irrational or pointless since? Perhaps if you tell the man that you care very much about his daughter and wished long before you met her that you could wind back the clock it would diffuse some of the situation. Have you met her parents?
As a parent I can understand the concern but his daughter has been considered an adult legally for 10 years. If daddy looks for the downside to every guy she dates you have put her in a tenuous situation because she was blind-sided by the information. Again, you cannot go back, only forward and again, it may only be time that allows her to gather herself to fight her father, which is the position you put her in by not being forthright when this came up earlier. Now, if she didn't tell you my father will probably be doing a background check on you etc., then that is her problem too. If she knew he would do this, why didn't she come out and tell you this, was she embarassed too? | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 4:51:18 AM | You can beat yourself up over this but the buttom line is that she should have had some faith in you.It was in the past and she had no reason to act this way about it.
Don`t let her knock you down this way,there`s no telling how she would have realy reacted if you would have told her yourself.
True love understands and forgives. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 5:37:53 AM | | well,you were only 6 months with her,,your still unravelling each other.I don't believe in 'love affairs' and your exactly why,Time and again I read of people like you who have a 'love affair' after only several moths, I've been hanging out with a girl for a year now and we still find out things about each other for the first time ,its no big deal ! because we're not in love yet,but I like her a lot .The reason it was a big deal to her is because you both rushed your hearts into the love zone,HUGE mistake,it puts you artificially ahead of the natural progression of things with her,instead of it moving along of its own volition. once you reach the love zone,you've examined each other top to bottom inside and out,all the secrets are known,so at this point she thinks she knows everything about you,thanks your incompitent handling of it,you led her past this critical 6 month phase,no wonder she felt betrayed,you led her to believe there was nothing left to know about you by letting it go there when you should have still been friends at 6 months,thats where you messed up. if you were still in the getting to know you phase it wouldn't have been such a deal breaker,just another piece of your puzzle your letting her in on.To give you a little slack,If you were uncertain about her that way ,you could have tested the waters and primed her for it,by telling her every now and then "you know,theres more to me,good and bad" , oh yeah? she'd say and you "yeah,nothing terrible,but I've made mistakes in my 20's and 30's" (keeping it general),gradually desensitising her to it,mabey telling her little bad things to see how she would take it.that would have let you know how accepting she was of you. so,how did she find out that info about you?,sounds like she was doubtful about you and decided to investigate you,or you have a big mouth friend?just curious. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 5:38:45 AM | | I got something like this going on for me. I did something in my past that was so horrid that I'm not even comfortable thinking about it. Talking about it's not gonna happen any time soon. I never got caught, but just knowing that I did it is really bad for me. I don't want to tell the woman I've been talking to about it because she thinks very highly of me with good reason. I am a completely different person than what I used to be. She knows the fact that there's something I'm not too keen on talking about among other things that have happened in the past- distant past- that I have already talked about with her. She really likes me alot and I have a lot of respect for her, and I just don't know how to open that one closet door. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:01:57 AM | i think the dad running background checks on you is the big clue. apologies if someone's already said this, i stopped reading at that point as i'm on a quick break at work & dont have time to read all the replies.
the fact that her dad even considered doing something like this suggests that he was not satisfied with his daughter's happiness & was seeking information to tear you apart. As well as the information he discovered about your criminal record i'm quite sure the family have been putting pressure on your ex to finish the relationship.
i think you're better to move on from this
good luck | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:14:31 AM | | And does she maybe have things in her past she's not so proud of? Probably. If she truly loves u..she will get past it (pardon the pun). Some things are better left unsaid..but in your case..yes you should have been forthcoming...hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Good luck hunny. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:53:02 AM | Hi mountain....
I really do feel for you !
I agree with the posts that mention speaking with the father ***after you have spoken with your ex-girl.***
This happens in relationships when people don't PUT ALL OF THE CARDS ON THE TABLE.
Sorry, that is the harsh truth.
I can understand you not wanting to jeapordize your relationship with her and the fact that you just didn't know how to tell her but look where it has left you.
You need to TALK to HER and let her know you were afraid and that you want another chance.
Have you ever thought that she might not be upset about your past crime but hurt that you were not HONEST with her ?
Her father may be thinking the same way...
You did not TRUST her nor the relationship enough to let her know that you made a mistake 15 years ago.
I have a funny hunch that this is more of the problem...
My late husband had a very different past than I...
He took a leap of faith with me and layed it all out on the line...
I was totally shocked and we talked about it openly and honestly.
I loved him more for it in the end !!!
When some friend of his (who wanted to break us up) tried to tell me what my hubby's past was like, I laughed and said I know all about it...shut the guy up really quick :)
Bottom line for me was if I hadn't known, it could have ended our relationship because he had kept things from me and I FOUND OUT THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE...I would have felt majorly BETRAYED. That would have been way more hurtful...
GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT !!!
I hope it works out for you ! LLL
Post 33 EX-NAVY... Tell her ! You don't want to end up like the OP do you ? LEAP OF FAITH !!! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:10:09 AM | The next thing i knew i had this idea following the previous post. I see in life a parity in human conditions. Your big mistake so far is running afoul of the law. Whether or not it's forever going to plague you depends on if you allow it to. Accepting yourself as one who's less than perfect, then placing your gf on pedestal of 31 virgin with unquestioned morality. Puts u in intenible situation of lowlife seeking princess. If she has no trash to balance it out then you're forever beneath her. Ask her to forgive the mistake. The family, well chances are best with your intution telling you how to handle it. I doubt it would workout for me. Fairy tales come true in real life ever ?
 corky | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:17:29 AM | ^^^ I totally agree with skyhugs and sorry to those who dont think its relevant to their relationship now...but I think it is
I think that lying by omission is incredibly underhanded...
...its atleast as much of a reflection of a persons character as the original skeleton thats come out of the closet.
...and its certainly not the foundation to build a relationship on.
I would have done a criminal check too.
Best to know things up front, deal with it & move past it together cos history will always come back to haunt.
how do I get her to see my past was a painful part of my life and she shouldn't be taking this personal? We are still in contact and I can hear in her voice that she still loves me. She tells me this is tearing her apart as much as it is me. What do I do? I'd really like to know what people think...
She's still in contact because she loves you...you've broken her trust, probably embarassed her and embarassed her infront of her family and she's doubting the unconditional Love and Respect that a woman gives a man she's inlove with.
Give her time to get past the shock & give her the opportunity to trust you again. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:38:11 AM | Hey man I do not think you made a mistake she need to learn how to live in the NOW not the past all we have is the NOW it was not you she was looking for a reasen to break up with you she was not readly for love good lucky you will find someone who is readly for love one day
BY and good luck best guy | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:55:36 AM | I haven't read all the posts, but I have read yours, Mountaineer.
It seems to me that this may be a clash of social classes. Your ex-girlfriend comes from a privileged and sheltered environment. It appears that you come from a less sheltered environment.
I would assume that Daddy ran a background check because he didn't feel you passed muster as his baby's husband, and he wanted to get rid of you---and succeeded.
I don't think you can win on this one, sweetie. You may love this girl, but the interference of her parents would inevitably wear your relationship down. If Daddy doesn't think you're good enough for his daughter, your marriage would be toast. This girl isn't going to stand on her own two feet anytime soon, and she certainly won't stand with you against Daddy. She has too much to lose in order to do so.
It's so sad when these things happen, but Mountaineer, trust me on this one: ending the relationship now is going to save you a whole lot of heartbreak in the long run. A woman as sheltered as this one is unlikely to be your equal partner.
Best of luck to you. A heart does heal in time, difficult as it is to imagine right now. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:01:02 AM | I can sort of understand why you didn't tell her as maybe you were worried she'd think less of you etc. for your past. But, women do, unless they enjoy living in denial, prefer bare-faced honesty to someone holding out on us. Shame men often have problems understanding this. She may also worry about what else you've neglected to tell her and feel as though she doesn't know you anymore.
You're still in contact with her so unless she's seeing someone else, that door may still be open for the two of you to patch up the major breach of trust this has caused. Remember, not telling someone something is just as bad as lying about it.
Yes, everyone has a past. But, unless someone's been in trouble with the law themselves, or knows a lot of people personally who have, it can be a lot to take in for normal, law abiding citizens who's closest brush with the law is a parking ticket or an episode of The Bill. This is true even if it wasn't a sexual offences crime.
Tell her exactly how sorry you are and that you love her and don't wish to lose her as she's everything to you, that you see a future together. Also vow to be honest about everything from now on. You need to convince her that she can definitely trust and rely on you. It's important to give her some space for now, let her come to terms with what she's found out about you in her own time but not forever, obviously. Good luck! Hope she comes around!
(If she doesn't, you'll have learnt a very valuable lesson: honesty = trust. Afterall, you wouldn't trust someone who told you bare-faced lies the whole time, would you?) | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:05:43 AM | I agree with Apolinary.
The only area I really have an issue with is how she found out about the past. If she truly found out about from daddy running a background, well first of all shame on daddy for being a butt-insky, and second of all shame on u for not being secure enough in yourself and her to trust and understand in order for you to tell her yourself. I know having things in your past can be challenging to share and determining the timing of when to share them is tricky, but if you'd been with her for SIX MONTHS one would have thought you would have found the backbone to share it by then.
Anyway, if it's meant to be it will work itself out. If not, then she's not the one for you, and you don't need the drama of her family 'cuz believe me...this was just the tip of the iceberg baby!!
Good luck!! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:08:27 AM | | This could be an out for her. However, I have to admit like for me if that was the situation I wouldn't be able to be with a person with a criminal background due to my job and that would just suck. But you've moved on and proved yourself. So she should look past the past and deal with it. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:13:37 AM | I don't know how much your girlfriend resents her father's meddling but you do have to recognize that if her family is wealthy, they have different concerns than the average parent. We don't know what happened between father and daughter or whether her father is overbearing with this or is just trying to make sure that the woman is taking care of herself. Most parents ask questions of a boy or man, depending on their daughter's age, to try to make sure he is not going to hurt her, or only wants to get in her pants, or whatever parental concern is appropriate for a given age.
Let's assume that dad is a good guy, not involved in the minute details of his daughter's life, but still single at 31 there is a significant chance that she has had men in the past pursue her because she has money. Perhaps he asked her if she had done any kind of background check on you. Regardless of what her answer was, if he knows she is the type to trust blindly then as a parent I'm not sure I would not have done the same thing.
And it may not even be the money that he is trying to protect. If your motivations were not above-board, you would not only potentially wind up with some of this woman's inheritance or at least spending a lot of it, you could also break her heart once it became clear you were after her money rather than her. I think if you do try to get past this you need to take the attitude with her father that you understand what he did and while you may not be happy with the way he went about it, you are happy that everything is in the open and regret not trusting his daughter more and being forthcoming sooner.
If this is the pattern, that she "does something stupid" and dad finds out and prevents something from happening, instead of being someone that is different from all the rest, you have just become one in a line of people that have tried to or hurt her, in her dad's eyes and also in how she must now deal with him.
So, you need to help her get past the betrayal and make her feel like you are on her side but try to do so in terms of mending fences, i.e. while you may not like what he did, he did it because he loves you. Dad may also fall in line quicker if you try to help mend fences between father and daughter by taking responsibility for putting everyone in this situation to begin with. Will go a long way toward illustrating that you are not the immature, rash human being that wound up in trouble at 23. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:16:06 AM | Be very careful what you 're asking for,,,,, maybe she and here DADDY" "re not for you!!! You know the Story:: POEPLE in the Glass House!!!! Good Luck to you,we all made and still makeing our Mistakes.. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:30:05 AM | You may not want to hear this sweetie, but I gotta say it...
31 yrs old and never been in a serious enough relationship to have sex? Her dad is running background checks on her boyfriends?
I have absolutely no quarrel with the faith issue, but what has this gal been doing? Does she have a demanding career, was she in college for like 10 yrs? If not then I think, looking at the larger picture, that you are looking at a child of a deeply dysfunctional family. Isn't just blue collar or welfare families that expereince dysfunction.
I think you should speak to this woman and tell her you've decided to move on and find a grown woman, not a daddy's princess in a 31 yr old body.
If that turns her around and you decide to reunite the relationship, grow a pair and put down some boundaries!Or else you will be back here in 5 yrs whining about how your wife will never have sex with you and you can't afford a divorce...
Cindy O | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:59:02 AM | 
I have to agree, sugar, with all the others who said to quit beating yourself up.
It's not your problem.
It's the daddy and a grown woman letting him pull her strings.
Ye gads, he's probably got an account with the folks who do background checks.
And how insulting to his own daughter.
You seem to be low on her priority list.
With daddy and his bank account neck and neck in first place.
I'm thinking this is a warning with what you've got in front of you.
A person has to grow their own backbone.
I checked and there are no transplants..
Having been in one of "those families".
Married to it.
I learned real quick I had to use my backbone, since idiot couldn't or wouldn't.
To this day, at the age of 60, mama is still his ruler.
 I've felt bad...for a moment...for all his many wives.
I was the first of either 4 or 5.
It would be entirely different if you'd had your records sanitized and not said/owned up to the trouble with the law.
Curious, how did y'all meet?
ceeceekitty | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 9:11:00 AM | No ! It's not a fault ~ to not tell her ~ inside 6 months
If this issue comes between you two ~ it's best it happens now ~
I hate it ~ when people can't handle information and you are required to deal with them
It makes life ~ just plain "hard" ~ and it's hard enough.
They will say "why didn't you tell me" ~ or they might say," why didn't you tell me sooner?" ~ one can't win ~ with this kind of thinking
This ~ kill the messager mentality ~ and No One ~ need to be an open book in 6 frigging months ~ That insane thinking ~ or childish at best.
She must be young? ~
If you stay with her ~ get use to this ~ behavior ~ it won't go away quickly
and if you tell her "everything" you be in constant hot water
You are damn if you do ~ damned you don't
Some people can't handle information
Remember Jimmy Carter, saying " Life is not always fair"
The conservitives ~ made a big deal out of it ~ 'Like , How darn you to tell me such things!" ~ We don't like the truth! ~ we can't handle it!
It's this mindset ~ that you are dealing with here.
~dar | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 9:18:36 AM | | WAY TOO CIRCUMSTANTIAL:Wish I had more info on the circumstances.Because of my profession,I couldn't be affiliated with someone who'd been involved in criminal activity -let alone anything long term.If this is something similar,then her hands are tied.If it's as simple as what you said,this would have been a great growing experience for both of you...unless the crime is of a particular nature that she happens to take personally.In any event,leave her alone for awhile.If it(the relationship) was really good,she'll find a way to put it to rest.Give Her Time! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 9:29:48 AM | I agree with the others that your past should be behind you. You have paid for your crime and seemingly learned a lesson. The thing about out past is it tends to come back and bite us in the a@@ when we least expect it.. Yes ,we have all done things we are not proud of, but most of us dont have a criminal record that can be traced if someone decides to do a background check. Although I feel it is not most peoples business, I do think a SO has every right to know. When might be the right time to bring that up? I'm not sure. Certainly before the "dad" decides to do a background check. Did you have any idea her family was in any way questioning your background? I realize she is 31, and if it were me I would have been pissed as heck had my family done that at that age. Suggesting I do it is one thing, but doing a check without my permission would have been a no no. Unless she knew they were doing it.
I think you need to give her some time to sort this out. And if there is anything else you best get it all out now. Good Luck | |
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