| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 9:37:28 AM | I don't understand why you can't be affiliated with someone who had been involved with criminal activity because you're a counsellor
One of the fundamental beliefs of a counsellor should be in a individual's capacity to change. Otherwise what would be the point in doing your job if you didn't believe that your client could change their life | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:06:53 AM | Someone once said that "true love is knowing all the horrible details about a person's past and present, and it not making any difference"
Having a rocky past unfortunately gets in the way of "meeting" someone, since people have their guard up around a stranger. My thoughts are , tell people up front [once you talk of being exclusive] that you have some private things that you are not proud of, and lay the cards on the table. The only difference between you and "most" other people is....you got caught. You paid back your debt to society, you shouldn't be scorned by people for the rest of your life. If you can keep it private, which is tough nowadays, then forget about it. If you tell all once you get comfortable around someone, tell all. The relief of just the stress will be lifted. If she freaks out, you wouldn't want to be with somebody that "labels" people anyways.  | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:09:14 AM | | I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I believe there is a time and a place to divulge certain information. Unfortunately if you do it too soon, you could scare her off, if you do it too late, she feels she can't trust you or wonder what else have you not told her. If it is meant to be, give her some time and she will come around, if not, chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. A broken heart will not heal overnight. My suggestion, in the future, if you get this close to someone else, let her know that when you were young, you did something that you are not proud of and it's something you will have to live with the rest of your life. There was no violence or person to person crime. I have done my time and become a better man. No more, no less. If you are sincere, she will know it. Keep your head up, life is strange and there is nothing you can do about it. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:20:05 AM | You really want this girl. Write her a heartfelt letter such as what you have written here and send it to her. And then give her some time. Since she has such close family ties, sounds like you will also have to find some way to win their approval, and it won't be easy. If there is any way to contact the father and appeal to his "Christian" senses, you may have a chance. But if he's not that kind of Christian who believes in forgiveness, your ship is probably sunk. It's doubtful she will choose you over her family. If it doesn't work out, take some time to grieve. You will find love again. Next time you meet someone, be upfront about it, because they will eventually find out one way or another.
I was once living with someone for a year and found out by accident that he had done something very bad in his past. I was in crisis over it for several months. I eventually forgave him, but was never able to completely trust him. However, in my case, my intuition turned out to be correct. After we split up, he ended up in prison for doing the same thing. If you have reformed--and it sounds like you have--a real friend will accept you no matter what. We all have things in our past we are not proud of, and none of us are perfect. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:31:41 AM | Most posters are hard on the girl's father for doing a background check.
Perhaps he has reason to do so. Perhaps his daughter has made poor choices in the past, and he feels protective of her. As parents, we want the best for our children. He may have good reason to look out for his child.
Those of us with adult children should ask ourselves this question: If our child were involved with someone of whom we have concerns, and we had it within our means to do a background check, would we take it upon ourselves to do such a check?
I can't say for certain that I would not, especially if it looked like my child may be considering marrying this person. Marriage has such enormous consequences not only for the child, but the entire extended family, particularly once a child is brought into the marriage.
Of course, if this information were passed on to the child, it would be up to him/her as to what they did with it. In this case, the young woman ended the relationship. I suspect she may have made a different decision if this young man had already informed her of his criminal past. His withholding the information made his actions seem all the more nefarious. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:44:27 AM | Sorry to hear something you did a long time ago means so much to her. The fact you didn't tell her about it shouldn't matter. It happened "before" you guy's hooked up. Isn't that why they call it building a relationship? I'll bet there are a few skeletons in her closet too she hasn't told you about! Try and explain to her that you hadn't gotten up the motovation to tell her about such a low point in your life and explain to her that you don't care what she has done "before" you met her! She shouldn't freak out over something that happened so long ago and didn't effect her then ,so it shouldn't be a issue now.
Hope this helps. I too just lost "the one" I thought we were perfect and so did everybody except her!
Good Luck! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:50:12 AM | | OP I would have to say that your lady needs to grow up a bit. I don't know what you did in your past, but we've all done stuff we don't want to shout from the rooftops. I do agree with your lady that honesty is definetely the best policy when it comes to relationships, but untill you are absolutely sure you want to be with someone, you're not going to want to open up old wounds to them. I'm sure there are probably things in your lady's past that she hasn't told you, and if she's as honest as she says she wants you to be, then she will accept that you just weren't ready, or didn't know how to approach the subject. If I were you (which obviously I'm not, so I don't have any right to advise you) I'd tell her that she either loves you, or she doesn't, and if she loved you, she'd forgive you because the only reason you didn't tell her was because it was too painfull, and you were frightened you'd lose her. I'd tell her you have been honest with her about everything to do with your relationship, and if she can't accept it, then you and her have no future together. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 10:54:41 AM | Mountaineer69,,,
Apperently she has issues and needs to grow up a lot..
Everything anyone does today is a crime..
The reason everything has been turned into a crime is because the government wants all citizens to be a criminal. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 11:10:14 AM | I have a hunch. Just a hunch.....
Why don't you do a background check on this woman's father?
Because, sometimes....the guilty dog, barks loudest. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 11:26:03 AM |
Perhaps he has reason to do so. Perhaps his daughter has made poor choices in the past, and he feels protective of her. As parents, we want the best for our children. He may have good reason to look out for his child.
gardennut, usually you are spot on with your comments but not this time.
This "child" is thirtyfreakin' one years old! Now, unless she is mentally challenged, I don't think her dad has any business meddling in her life. I wonder if this is a common pattern, daughter finding someone and falling in love, then Daddy finds a way to torpedo it....understand I'm not suggesting incest but there certainly are some boundary issues her between dad and daughter. Maybe Dad just can't let go?
No, I think he's better served to start moving ahead and see if this woman cares enough to think things through and reconnect with the OP, or whether she prefers to be Daddy's girl until HE picks a husband for her...
Cindy O | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 11:34:46 AM | personally, i think she was looking for an exit.
looking for an excuse.
your feelings for her were not reciprocated, and i think that happens a lot.
most of us have found ourselves on either one side of that equation or another.
if it wasn't this thing, it would have been that thing... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:05:07 PM | LadyC4, I realize this "child" is thirtyfreakingone years old. She is also, as the OP has indicated, a sheltered (and seemingly pampered) young woman who is developmentally much younger than her years.
How much of the world has this young woman seen? How naive may she be? Perhaps her father is correct to feel protective of her. He clearly had suspicions regarding the OP. In this case, he was right to be suspicious: this man was indeed withholding important information from this woman. In fact, he admits that he lied to her when she asked if he had anything of this nature in his background. This particular lie came back to bite him in the azz, as lies are prone to doing.
We don't have the whole story where it comes to father's motives for doing the background check. I, for one, cannot condemn him for it. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:10:31 PM | As far as im concerned you didnt mislead her into thinking anything, you simply did something and basically moved on with your life, i think she is taking it a bit to seriously to be honest and using her christianity as an excuse and how would she have reacted if you asked her to prove she was a virgin......the situation is exactly the same as you not telling her about your past. I think you should forget about her sounds like she will throw it in your face and use your past as an excuse for everytime things went wrong, see this as an early wake up call because like someone else has already said "if she truley loved you then she would have understood" find someone who is willing to accept you for you without the constant fear of having to hide things, all the best mountaineer69 plenty more fish  | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 2:32:59 PM | | Sunny ~ your so cleaver ~ why didn't I think of that ! actually what I was thinking was , These guys have a bone closet somewhere and think everybody does. ~dar | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:06:52 PM | well...great minds think alike !
Or maybe I'm just smellin' a critter in the hen house. But somethin' ain't right.
Lord knows, I got bones....dem bones....lots of bones. wait...don't open that closet ! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:19:11 PM | | lol sunny...The fathers not worried about the bones in his closet........hes worried about who wants to jump his daughters fresh bones!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:23:00 PM | Well I think it's a bit extreme, don't you?
If my father did that...wait...my father has to many skeletons in his own closet...but if he didn't and pulled any crap like that...heck...I'd have to tell him he crossed the line, then promptly hug him and forgive him.
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:24:04 PM | | This may not be the biggest mistake of your life. If her trust issues run that deep, you may end up with someone who has to know EVERYTHING you do from morning 'til night and you may lose your autonomy completely. If she cares about the relationship enough, she NEEDS to get help to figure out why this affects her so much. It's not your fault to omit things that have nothing to do with the here and now, and it sounds like you have matured from that time. If you're still communicating with her, I think you should explain to her that you weren't proud of it and you did want to forget about it and you decided not to bring it up in hopes that you would be able to put it past you forever. If she can't get this, or doesn't want to try, she may not be the best person for you. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:26:27 PM | | Tell her to watch the movie 'Sleeping Dogs Lie' and hopefully it will give her some perspective into why people sometimes don't want to drudge up old crap, and why it's not always good to divulge things that are not a part of who you are anymore! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:32:27 PM | | The past is the past , we have all made mistakes in our lifes, one cant be judged by them as long as we dont let them come back into the life we live now, ive dated men whos had past that they have delt with and paid for, as long as their good to me now and dont fall back into the old life they had everyone deserves a second chance in life, she should not of freaked, it was your past and unless it affected your and her future she should not of insisted to break up, like someone else said here, maybe this is her way out, im not sure what to tell you, i hate that its tearing you apart, funny thing is shes doing the tearing not your past...hang in there, if she cant get beyond this then maybe you need to just move forward and not let it tear you down more. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:57:13 PM | this man was indeed withholding important information from this woman.
Well, how important IS it? And yes I'd like to hear from those who may have more knowledge about this...BUT;
The way I see it, it was a "white collar " financial crime. That doesn't mean its OK, but just exactly how much impact does it have? Will it keep him from getting a good job? Getting credit? Will he have difficulty finding a neighborhood that will accept him? If these life matters are going to be adversely affected then he should have told her about it when they started getting serious. I mean this issue might keep him from certain financial careers, or high political office, but if it's not going to interfere with getting a DECENT job, being able to obtain credit, or get him run out of neighborhoods, I don't see it as that important.
I'm not condemning anybody for anything but I want the OP to think about this very carefully, does he want get into a marriage where Daddy Dearest is calling the shots??
Of course I'm just a blue collar person with maybe a bit more intelligence and street smarts than blue collar people are generally given credit for.But a 31 y old virgin whose Dad is running background checks on his daughter's suitors that don't suit him??
I think the OP dodged a bullet.
Cindy O | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 4:03:24 PM |
I think the OP dodged a bullet.
Agreed-------for somewhat different reasons, but still agreed. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:42:20 PM | For everyones information....
I don't feel that what I did was right for one minute (past crimes) because they weren't. But what I have been trying to say is this.. how long do I have to pay the price for what I did? I've done my best to become a healthy part of society. I've done my best to pay back for what I've done. Ive done my best to let everyone know that I did wrong and take responsibility for what I did.
BUT... all I get in return is that people dont trust me, they think I am a second class citizen, etc. Why? Why am I different or less of a person? At least I can admit I did wrong at one point and did my best to make up for it and make things right. What else can I do?
I know I didn't tell her.. I know I messed up, but why do I have to pay with the ultimate loss? Why won't she talk more to me about her feelings on the subject? She still call and we sill talk. Obviously she still loves me.. I can hear the hurt in her voice and feel the pain from her heart. But how do I convey why I was scared? I've tried talking to her.. I've spilled my heart to her.. and she's still calling. She does love me.. there is no doubt. I think her Dad did much more damage here then I can image...
I am trying to just be there for her. I'm trying to give her space and love at the same time, but I have nobody to grieve my heart to... I have nobody to help with my pain and the loss I am feeling from her pulling away from me.
I am a man... I'll do what needs to be done and take my mistakes on the chin, but this feels really wrong to me. I'm not sure how to proceed or what to say to her. I've said and done everything I can think of. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:30:23 PM |
I've said and done everything I can think of
Maybe not Mountaineer............ maybe you should go talk to her dad, man to man. If you think he has some say in this and has some input on her decision, you need to talk to him. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:39:20 PM | | Should I talk to her before talking to him to make sure she won't be offended? I don't want to upset her anymore than I already of have. | |
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