| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/12/2008 5:33:17 PM | 1lonelymama
how did she find out? was she checking up on you
No she didn't check up on him, & I guess she did trust him.....
There is a difference between your background & the op. His unfortunately is financially criminal & involves what the Lady's family has a lot of. gardennut has bought up some more valid arguments
Like you say it is a sticky one.
you should not be taking this responibility all on yourself. she is the one with trust issues not you.
Really? So if your next partner is a convicted pedophile & hides it till you find out through other sources will the same principle apply? You'll still trust him unreservedly around your kids?
Just a thought
Sorry op, I do feel for your situation but sometimes we make a whip for own own backs.
Try not to beat yourself up too much over it. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/12/2008 8:51:17 PM | To the OP: Here is my opinion. You obviously really love this girl. I think she loves you too but she feels betrayed and confused. The best thing would be to do as I said before and write her a letter stating how much you love her and how sorry you are that you didn't now how to be forthright with her. Tell her she is the most important person in your life, and you will do whatever it takes to win her trust and that you will never withhold anything from her again. Then back off and give her some time. It takes time for a person to deal with this kind of revelation. I know--I've been there.
As far as all the comments about the sheltered life and (possibly too) close relationship with the father, presumably you know all of this and are willing to accept her as she is. You already know you cannot compete with her family. All you can do it try and win them over like you are trying to win her over. It's not that you have done anything wrong per se, but you have to realize that she feels like you are a different person than the one she thought she knew. She needs time to process all of her feelings. She's probably really confused.
The family has a very negative opinion of you now. Unfortunately, if you really want to win this girl back, the burden falls upon you to prove yourself to all of them. I'm not saying it's right or it's what you should do. I just think if you want this girl that much, you don't really have a choice. If she gives you a definitive "no", then you have to pack your bags and move on. I'm sorry for what you are going through. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/12/2008 8:54:24 PM | | I just wanted to add one more thing. It might be significant that you never felt comfortable enough with her to tell her the truth. Please think about if she is REALLY "the one" or if maybe you had her on a pedestal a little. I would think if you met your soulmate, there would be nothing you would not be able to tell them. Just something to think about. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:18:09 PM | Snakewhisperer..
Please think about if she is REALLY "the one" or if maybe you had her on a pedestal a little. I would think if you met your soulmate, there would be nothing you would not be able to tell them
That is actually a good point, but one many people seem to make.
I dated someone last year who seen me as an FBW.. I had hoped he'd think of me differently, but that didn't happen... Oh well, in the end it was a good thing.
The woman he went after is someone he would NOT tell any of the things he told me.
I asked him why, and he said he feared she would judge him, and then not want to be with him because of it...
I thought it was sad that he felt comfortable enough to tell me the stuff he did, because let me tell ya, keeping him at arms distance was easy after the fact. I just didn't let him know I seen him differently.
There are things in our lives sometimes that are of great shame. I am kind of an open book, and have an attitude of I am yam what I yam, like me, or don't. However I have to be comfortable in my own skin to think that way.
In knowing someone for only 6 months, I don't think he did something terrible. If he had been with her for over a year, and they had a wedding date set, then he would have something to really be ashamed of.
In this day and age, it is easy to find out about someone else, and if people are going to hold it against you, I guess that is something all people have to be aware of. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/13/2008 2:27:27 AM | Skyhugs (Msg: 94)wrote:
> I beg to differ with many of the posts that feel the Dad should not have
> done this...it is a parents perogative to do whatever they feel is in the
> best interest of the child !
As parents, it may be our prerogative to do whatever we feel is in the
best interest of our children when they are of youthful dependent age.
But our primary job as parents is to foster our children towards independence.
And then as adults themselves, to let our children live their own live,
to make their own decisions for their own life, and in the main, to
basically butt out of their affairs.
It is of course understandable that since we raised our children -- since we
invested so many of our own years of time and energy to nurture and help
them grow -- that no matter how old our children become, we would feel
a natural inclination to always want to be protective of them.
But those parents who are perpetually sheltering, protecting, or rescuing
their children even into adult years are doing their children no genuine
service because whether they realize it or not, the underlying message
they are sending their adult children is "I don't trust you to be competent
enough to take care of yourself or make good decisions for yourself."
As our children enter into their twenties, as they enter into their adult live,
this is perhaps a good time for any parent to review the words Kihlil
Gibran wrote in his book "The Prophet", when he spoke about the
relationship between children and parents....
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
You may give them your live but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thought.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
As parents, we have approximately 20 years to foster our children
from birth to independence. But beyond this, perhaps the greatest
gifts we can afford our adult children is to provide them with the
unspoken message that we have faith in them to be competent
enough to take care of themselves.
This is not always easy. And all the most so when our children are young adults.
Nevertheless, as parents, that's our job -- to foster our children towards
independence, and not to indefinitely protect them, or shelter them,
or recuse them, or be butting into the affairs of their now adult life.
Apolinary | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:36:00 AM | Hi Apolinary, ^^^(message 105)
Excellent post!!! with exception of the last sentence.
As a parent, even if we do not act on our concerns (I didn't) a part of us will always want to protect, shelter, rescue / recuse them...
I have never butted into their affairs and they have always come back to me for advice.
Problem is sometimes the inate side takes over...(which seems to have been the case with the OP"S girl)
My post said I "thought" about it...
My daughter has been on her own since 18 and doing very well.
My children have been brought up to be very independant and I am very proud that they all left the coup at 18 to venture into the world...(I believe you have until the age of 17 to instill the neccessities of life.)
I trusted my daughter enough to sit back and watch and wait...and as I stated, he came to me and told me about his past...(didn't stop that gut feeling until he spoke with me)
Some parents are not able to sit back, especially those who lead the type of life of the OP's girl's family (seen it many times)
That is their perogative as a parent.
I am not saying it is right or wrong, each family (as each child) is unique... and I am not here to judge what anyone else does...
Where is the OP ?
Maybe, he did get the chance to work it out !!! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/13/2008 3:39:21 PM | | I cant believe that he believes she's still a virgin at 31. Maybe a 'technical' virgin. I'd be doing a background check on her! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 4:22:08 AM |
She is 31 and her Dad ran a background check.... wasn't pretty.
AH! This sheds a bit more light on her reaction, OP.
Not only did she have to deal with the reality of YOUR lie (even by omission, it was a lie), but she is also dealing with the embarrassment of her father knowing that not only do you have a criminal record, but that you LIED to his daughter about it. Those are huge - because now daddy is telling his daughter that he doesn't think she should be in a relationship with you - understandably so. So, does she disappoint her father for a man who hid his past from her and essentially embarrassed her?
Add to that: You say she is from a privileged family - she and daddy might be seeing your crime as an indicator that you are interested in her for financial reasons rather then love. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 5:02:09 AM | | OK - This sounds a little bit ridiculous. I mean you had only been dating her 6 months. When were you suppose to tell her the first date or something. I thinkyou were totally fine when you told her and she is just real immature. Sounds like the relationship was going too fast for her and she was looking for an out. | |
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helm
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Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 111 | |
| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 5:53:26 AM | the past is the past my friend its time to move foreward and bury the hatchet.
we were all young at at one time. and done some foolish things that got us into some kind of trouble.
with the law nothing to serious. so if she really loves you she should over look your past. and try to focus on your relationship with her you both seem like that ya got it
going on in the right direction. don't let the past ruin your future relationship with this lady because she sure seems like a nice person.
good luck to the both of you."cheers" | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 11:50:25 AM | as a woman who has had a simular experience,, stay friends, if she really loves you she will forgive you for witholding the past, we all have a past but it is the past,,,always be up front and honest thats all we ever want,
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 12:13:39 PM | i say let her go seems my luck women dont want the truth
as when i inform them im not rich they seemm to not reply
but if u lie and say u got money they will all come out of the woodwork
in my opinion st v days sucks lonely person all over just cause i smoke and am not rich any women in ill reply to me ty wildman069 | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/14/2008 12:18:17 PM | | Well sounds like you got a real problem...Real confusing how someone who you bond with and its mutual can just pick up and leave over somethan so mild...Communication wasnt a problem on your part you didnt know how it was on her part cause she lacked it if she couldnt work threw this with you....I have problems with the law i know what that shit is like...I dont think anyone is ever proud of themselves and i know it aint easy when it comes to life changeing problems like this..If i were you i wouldnt call this forum the biggest mistake of your life cause its the mistakes that shape us and make us who we are even if noone accepts us you can be confident that a moron repeats them and a wise man learns and grows from them as well as others mistakes.... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/17/2008 3:21:35 PM | I dont think you should beat yourself. Past is past.. Look at what your part is. Shes a growned woman, if she loves you, she will try to understand and not judge you for what you did in the past. OH, btw, taking responsability for your actions doesnt mean beating yourself up over someones reaction that YOU CANNOT control.
hope this can help you, all the best. | |
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parsly
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Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 116 | |
| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/18/2008 11:36:59 AM | | i totally agree with u no matter wat, u told her at beginning ?wud that of been acceptable? prob not u must try n explain this to her, n hek we all av skeletons, good or bad . im a dreppresive lol had nasty experience at 16 n found pepes reactions to this mixed bag, i tell em from start.woooo im sum kinda fruitcake , i leave it n much same,,we all av made mistakes u shud explain that n seriously hard tho it is if she cant accept ur honesty n love then its not worth it hun, take care pip | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/18/2008 12:24:33 PM |
She says I betrayed her trust and she left me. She says I broke her heart and says I should have communicated with her.
Been there, had the Tee Shirt. My case , may be the same as yours. Your girl could have been suffering from depression.
The thinking goes along the lines of,,, I don't deserve to be this happy,, ( Example the women in my case,, still having a clip on their shoulder from child hood) so I won't,, and then finds an excuse not to take the plunge and let go of their past. This woman I went out with was from mid Wales 200 miles away. She panicked at the thought of being happy, use to burst into tears. It was a real shame.
Strange, but there you go ! Maybe its the same in your case. I did all I could to try and make her feel happy. | |
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