| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:54:10 PM | | dated a woman who couldnt wait to get on my cell phone, email and anything else....I didnt try to hide anything...funny thing, her phone was locked and rang all the time and she didnt answer when we were together, most of the time...she always said it was somebody trying to sell her a mortgage..she had applied once....lol...you can guess the rest....lesson - one sided anything doesnt work | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:55:48 PM | | well, and not to make to fine a point, but if I am in a serious relationship, I dont really care what she looks at...email, cell phone, whatever...I have the perfect strategy for never getting caught doing anything wrong.....don't do anything wrong. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/28/2008 9:55:23 PM | | spying is wrong...period! you should always trust your intuition. if your intuition is that strong, somethings usually happening. i would never spy on my girl, if your partner doing some mischief behind your back, the truth will eventually come to light. only the insecure idiots spy on people. | |
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D_lily
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Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 255 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 2:00:44 AM | Off with their heads and hands......Just kidding........who cares. .....it's suppose to be your partner in life right? You live together. I always thought that is what a partner is for..........one you can tell everything too and get imput, a sounding board......
Me thinks that is probably why their are so many splits out in the world at large.................everyone claims {oh I want someone I can be close to} {someone I can tell everything to} so, choose your best friend wisely and let them truly be your best friend and life partner.......... | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:12:49 AM | You don't get it Lily, it is not the reading of the mail, it is the fact that they did it behind your back. I have nothing to hide and the person would have nothing to find, but that is not the issue.
I really have nothing that I would seriously care about anybody reading unless as Bucs mentioned, it was someone else's confidence. There is an implication that you do not matter as a person if someone will discount how you might feel about this or any other situation that they feel requires doing something duplicitous.
If someone is reading your e-mail without your knowledge they do not trust you and are looking for something. Having spent 14 years with someone that was incapable of believing I was not doing something wrong, having someone do this to me when I would freely tell them to have at it if they asked, is a huge slap in the face.
If they do not recognize that they should ask this is still a big problem because it is a lack of simple respect for another person. If you would not read your neighbor's e-mail without asking first, why would you read your partner's?
I want to marry my best friend but I am not a Siamese twin, I am still an individual, one that requires a relationship that includes simple respect. Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:20:45 AM | You don't get it Lily, it is not the reading of the mail, it is the fact that they did it behind your back.
The OP never did answer the question of how they got the password though. So I am not convinced it was truly behind their back. It's convenient to say that and call it such after the fact because you caught doing something wrong, but unless they hacked the account I don't think you could say it was truly behind their back. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:24:10 AM |
Off with their heads and hands......Just kidding........who cares. .....it's suppose to be your partner in life right? You live together. I always thought that is what a partner is for..........one you can tell everything too and get imput, a sounding board......
Me thinks that is probably why their are so many splits out in the world at large.................everyone claims {oh I want someone I can be close to} {someone I can tell everything to} so, choose your best friend wisely and let them truly be your best friend and life partner.
Here in the real world...people see things differently.
There's no good reason (unless your SO is incapacitated,dead or requests that you do it) for anybody to read their SO's emails.
What purpose would that serve?
Would you read another person's diary?
Look...if you can't trust who you are with...then you need to work on that lack of trust ASAP.
Counseling or confrontation...or both.
If you still have no trust after that takes place...the relationship is over.
You might not like that fact...but it's a fact, nonetheless | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:48:17 AM | that sounds like my exwife and what she would do to me the time came i had no privacy at all on my computer are any where in my house she would follow me around the house and ask me what i was doing i could not even go to the bathroom in privacy she would knock on the locked door and ask me what i was doing and then want in with me. she had to know my every move. she wanted my passwords but she would not give me hers. time came she talk on the puter more than i did ....allways in chat rooms. she acted like the hall police. among other things that happened. in our marriage i divorced her after a year. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:38:25 PM | You must keep in mind the era of internet affairs is still evolving....In the old days a lipstick stain on your collar or scent of perfume after coming home late from work got ya caught, but communication thru email can be even more discreet, so I think people are still trying to figure out what to do in these situations...If I was married currently and my significant had female friends writing him emails that I had never met ....I'd probably ask what it was about...how do they know them etc...watch their body language...if they "windowed down when I walked in the room " etc....I would be suspicious...if they can't give you straight answers or look you in the eye...the old fashioned way of telling if someone is lying still works ...you don't have to read someone's email to know something is funny is "up"
And the guilty dog barks the loudest applies also when discussing this topic...lol ...those firmly against spying are often times guilty of some type of behavior online that would not be acceptable to their other partner...(I mean nasty attitudes) | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:04:53 PM | jadegreen you hit the nail on the head. Had a husband hook up with a woman named "Annie" 11 years ago (online romance ). No wonder I wasn't "allowed" on the computer - and silly me let him have a private office for his computer room. Happened about a year ago with a beau too... he went from 'sharing' every single email with me every day for 6 months - to getting angry at me for reading one 'over his shoulder' from a new "Lady Friend" he'd met a month earlier who was a college administrator. Looking back - he had a 'Lady Friend' back East who was in "Love" with him, emailing him all the time (I knew about her when I met him & read her emails to him) that he said " didn't get the 'friend' message "..... and I think I replaced her because he & I started with email now that I think about it. Duh. The significant behavior change was my 1st clue of things to come & apparently this is his MO.
Reading your partner's email ? Only justified with bonified probable cause not just because the person is neurotic & insecure. | |
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D_lily
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Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 263 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:56:35 PM | Say whatever you like packagedealx3, to each his own, I come from a family where nothing was, is or ever will be secret. It keeps you honest. And keeps you close.
"I don't live in my neighbors house. I don't sleep with my neighbor. A neighbor is a neighbor....of course I would not read a neighbors mail.........gee, do you think there is a difference between a neighbor and "your mate"?
If I live in a house with anyone else, come to the computer, and their email is there, Gee, I'm only human, I'm going to look. Sue me, call me distrustful or whatever else you want to call it. I don't care. Anyone that has a different view is fine. I still have a right to my viewpoint, so yeah, I get it packagedealx3, my response was not directed to you neither did I ask for your view on this subject, I was offering my viewpoint on someone else's request. Thank you very much.
I understand people that have been through "trust" issues feel this way..........some may have not been through trust issues..........we all have our own way of looking at things. | |
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Jadore
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Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 264 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/1/2008 12:49:46 AM | It would really tick me off...I wouldn't do it to them and I would expect the same respect in return....
Everyone needs some privacy and if I suspect something is going on with my partner I would ask him or wait to be told...eventually we get found out if we are doing the wrong thing...thats been my experience anyway....
There is a strong shift in a relationship when one violates the other like this and its hard to get that back ...if ever....I would find it difficult to trust him again... | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/1/2008 2:23:49 AM | | if in a live in relationship. there shouldnt be a problem with email reading either way, trust , nothing to hide, if freaked out by it, probably shouldnt be in the relationship in the first place,, same token, if she does it behind your back same thing applies,, looking for something. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:10:22 AM | cocytus:
Would you read another person's diary?
Did they leave it out at the desk I sit at to work from daily with those little paper contract tabs marking individual pages that show who the page is about and generally what the subject of the entry is? (Almost as if there were a To: From: and Subject: line visible for each entry)
Because I'd likely put it in a drawer the first time so I didn't have it sitting there to look at and then ask her to put it away when she was done in the future. But if it ends up just sitting out fairly regularly, and I've expressed that there's a temptation for me to read it, and one of those tabs happens to say something like 'Things I like about my guy' or something ... yeah, maybe I do.
Put a little effort into removing the temptation (which is there even if there ISN'T any sort of suspicion) and reinforce there's an actual boundary there and not an open door before chalking this up to 'violation' | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:38:15 PM | | In my experience a cheat thinks everyone is a cheat, so unless you have got something to hide and she has a reason to be looking, i would say that she doesn't trust you because she herself is not trustworthy. And that would make me think that at some point, (if not already) they will cheat on me. So I wouldn't tolerate it. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:55:57 PM |
Would you read another person's diary?
gentlyused
Did they leave it out at the desk I sit at to work from daily with those little paper contract tabs marking individual pages that show who the page is about and generally what the subject of the entry is? (Almost as if there were a To: From: and Subject: line visible for each entry)
Because I'd likely put it in a drawer the first time so I didn't have it sitting there to look at and then ask her to put it away when she was done in the future. But if it ends up just sitting out fairly regularly, and I've expressed that there's a temptation for me to read it, and one of those tabs happens to say something like 'Things I like about my guy' or something ... yeah, maybe I do.
Put a little effort into removing the temptation (which is there even if there ISN'T any sort of suspicion) and reinforce there's an actual boundary there and not an open door before chalking this up to 'violation'
Hmm...that's not good.
People may have bad memory...and they might have to be reminded more than once.
Like they might have to be reminded to close their email or IM session.
If you read what they wrote...and you don't like it...what are you going to do?
Confront them w/ it?
Reading (or really WANTING to read) another person's email is a poor idea.
Most people are unable to handle difficult things well when they are told them to their face.
Reading them , w/o context or w/o the knowledge of the person that wrote is likely to INCREASE that difficulty dramatically.
If you don't think you can trust somebody......you probably can't.
If that's the case, working w/ that person to regain your trust (or theirs) will provide you w/ far more benefits than spying on them.
That is..if improving the situation is something that you desire to do. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:23:31 AM | Previously, on PlentyOfFish ...
(How much would it rock to have a 24-style split-frame 'previously' setup? OK ... new rule ... any and all posts by me have to be mentally read as Kiefer Sutherland)
Cocytus:
Would you read another person's diary?
Me: Yeah, pretty much, but they'd know it's a risk. (see conditions in previous post)
Cocytus:
Hmm...that's not good.
Ok ... I don't think anybody is saying that reading other people's stuff (email, mail, diary, bills, fortune cookies, whatever) is -GOOD-. Nobody is advocating that that's something that ought to be done.
What we have stated is that said behavior happens.
I'm more interested in asking, that when the reading occurs, is the behavior as described reasonable or unreasonable.
Cocytus:
People may have bad memory...and they might have to be reminded more than once. Like they might have to be reminded to close their email or IM session.
Sure, let's go with 'poor wording on my part' and stipulate that the diary gets left out with some regularity and the usual response is to put it aside somewhere and to reiterate to the owner that there is a real temptation that it gets read if it continues to be left out, as stated in the above post.
Assuming this goes on for some time, it seems reasonable to me to interpret the diary being out with regularity as indifference on the owner's part, who seems clear on the risks of it being read.
Is it unreasonable to eventually find oneself reading some of the diary?
Cocytus:
If you read what they wrote...and you don't like it...what are you going to do? Confront them w/ it?
I think that's a question of degree ... I mean, assuming there are things I find unpleasant. All of the previous hypothetical diaries I've paged through do nothing but praise my hygiene and it's resultant lemony-fresh sex appeal.
If it's something like 'wow, I really hate having to act like it doesn't bother me when he kisses me after not shaving for 2 days,' I'd stop letting the stubble grow. If it was something like 'I can't believe his mother took me aside at Christmas while he was downstairs with his brother and tore into me like that, I hope he didn't notice I almost cried.' then on some level I'd be glad she -didn't- tell me about it at the time, and I'd make an effort to make sure we had plans other than going to my family's for the hollidays. If it's something really black like an eating disorder or an addiction or real consideration of suicide ... I mean way way WAY bad stuff, then, maybe you address that with some immediacy.
I don't see looking to start a fight over something like that.
I will say, that I think anything sweet or interesting or good, you work into regular conversation and you cite your source. I mean, again, if the point is that I'm looking because I think the person is interesting, then I'm not going to shy away from 'hey, I saw that you wrote ...'
And then, either I'm icing my new black eye, I'll understand that, indeed, there was a boundary there, or there wasn't a boundary there and it gets used as normal 'hey, I know this person' sort of conversation.
-John
PS ... just for the Kiefer voice ... 'WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?!' | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:40:06 AM | Well my boyfriend scanned my whole computer, which is shared also by my daughter, and found me on here, although I only ever chat with people.
Killed his trust in me - although he is soooooooooooo insecure anyway and too young for me and didn't treat me right all the time.
But he went mental.
All my friends said it was an invasion of my privacy - and my daughter's - he is a computer freak and is toooo clever for his own good.
We are split now and I have access to all his stuff on my computer - magic! haha | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:59:50 AM |
Ok, just out of curiousity I'd like to run a situation by you all.
Let's say you've been involved with someone for several months in a live-in relationship or more when one day you find out out that your partner has been reading your personal email without your knowledge.
How would you handle the situation?
Does she read your outgoing email as well? If so, I'd write an email to one close friend saying that you suspect "X" is reading your email, and you wonder why. You might go on by saying that though you have nothing to hide from her, you wonder if maybe she is projecting her own guilt on to you... &c. | |
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