| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:23:06 AM | My ex boyfriend's fiancee went through his email all the time and to this day it has messed up her head and turned her into an insecure producer of self-fulfilling prophecies.
She started by making up the excuse that she wanted to get all of his friends' email addy's so that she could invite them to a surprise party for him. Once she had justified sneaking access, she read everything going back years — and then decided I was still a threat. Her insecurities rose up and haven't subsided since.
At one point she took it upon herself to pose as a mutual friend (he and I had none so that really freaked me out) and start dissing things about the two of them... She would then forward my responses (telling her to fuk off because I had no idea who was emailing me or why) to herself and my ex as though they were coming from a third party.
I had some help from a POF member in tracing her "anonymous" email account in September and the day I called her on it and threatened to inform her employer, she deleted it.
She's a complete freak and to this day I can't even wish him a happy birthday without her having a meltdown — even though the only reason I remember it is because it's the same day as my daughter's. As recently as a couple of weeks ago he called to ask why I'd texted him my email address, which I hadn't. His little woman denied doing it at first, then fessed up that she'd sent it.
People are really weird and electronic communication really fugs some of them up. It's a good reminder now and then as to why I prefer my own company. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:23:51 AM | *Several months* together (living together or not) does not qualify for a truly committed relationship. That's more like flirting with commitment.
HOWEVER in a real committed relationship, like marriage or long term common-law I don't believe that there should be secrets. Give me an example of what should be kept secret from the partner with whom you share a life (other than Birthday surprises). One doesn't go snooping or prying unless there is reason (imagined or real) to cause suspicion but the casual encounter with eachother's mail should not be significant.
Sick with the cancer of suspicion, I scoured my fiance's email, computer and bills. You see, he had cheated a couple of times and it looked like he was setting up for a third time. If the impetus is suspicion that your partner reads your email, then it is a serious offence - not to you personally but to your relationship. The hallmark of commitment - TRUST - is being challenged. | |
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mxk883
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Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:43:23 AM | Msg 27 - I still think there is a need for privacy...even in a marriage or long term relationship.
I'll make up a scenario since you asked for an example: You have plans to go to a friends house for something one evening...your 'guy' suprises you with tickets to a show you really are not interested in seeing...but the gesture was awsome and there is no way you are going to hurt his feelings and say "I have plans already".
Shouldn't you have the right to be honest with your friend and say "I'd really rather hang with you than see that show, but he really did a sweet thing in suprising me, so I'm gonna have to reschedule our nite"...without worrying that your "guy" is gonna snoop your emails and find out?
Come on, honesty and openness are wonderful and crititcal...but that doesn't mean that there can be no little secrets in life. That's just rediculous I think. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:50:29 AM | Snooping is a woman's thing... most women snoop or have snooped...It is just a matter of when and how. Not our fault really women are just snoopy by nature. Any woman who denies this is a liarhead!
If you menpeople have done something to arouse our suspicion then dun... dun... dunnn.... women's intuition meets distrust.........(And that is a nasty monster!!)
If you find the information that you're looking for ...*and you always find something. Why???? Because you men are not near as sneaky as you think you are... you never cover your tracks well enough or you think you are too smart to get caught.Pfffttt silly menpeople!
Sooo you found something on the ole boy...then what???? What moral high ground do you have? Because now you know he will come back and throw it in your face that you violated his privacy....Fatheads!
I personally don't bother to look anymore why????..*see above.
And when in a relationship I try not to hide anything OR put anything in writing... har!
That is what best freinds are for!!!!
Edit: I just read the other posts...WOW who knew men snooped too??? I always thought you would rather not know. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:09:01 AM | | every relationship relies on that basic premise of trust. i assume that this is a given in any worthy relationship. alongside that comes the right to privacy which is sacred. no one has the right to invade ones privacy and yes that includes correspondance such as emails. it is unfogivable if this trust is broken and i doubt that any relationship can survive this betrayal of trust. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:11:56 AM | | just like trust, privacy is sacred and if you dont feel that in a relationship then it's not worth having. it is inexcusable to break that trust by going into anothers' private correspondence. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:39:20 AM | My e-mail is used to pay bills and talk to colleagues and family.
If the relationship isn't serious enough that:
1. She has access to my financial information.
2. She has access to my work information/knows about my mentors.
3. Has met my family.
I'd say it's over right there on the grounds that she didn't need to snoop to find out about it.
If we aren't living together, and she doesn't ask to read it.... well, I would probably suggest a break from the relationship, because if she didn't ask me at all, she doesn't trust me. If she doesn't trust me... it isn't worth my time. But if it is a long term relationship I might be willing to forgive.... it depends on if I see it going anywhere. (Which, if she's snooping, I probably don't.)
If we are living together, then we have to sit down and talk very seriously about why she felt the need to do this without asking me first. (This is the "sit down and talk" relationship because it is the most serious. If I'm living with someone, I'm contemplating spending my entire life with them.) | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:43:26 AM | This wouldn't be an issue for me. My next live in will be welcome to check all they like. My late husband & I never had separate accounts, I guess we never really needed them.
What I think is far worse is when an ex - spouse or s/o hacks into your email unknown beknown to you and gets to follow your life for a very long time.
HR | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:46:32 AM |
My e-mail is used to pay bills and talk to colleagues and family.
If the relationship isn't serious enough that:
1. She has access to my financial information.
2. She has access to my work information/knows about my mentors.
3. Has met my family.
I'd say it's over right there on the grounds that she didn't need to snoop to find out about it.
Great post.
I actually broke up with a guy, in part, for going onto my laptop during his visit from out of town while I was at work. He changed the program registration information to remove my ex-husband's name from everything as co-registrant.
Boyfriend said it bugged him to see it there and I realized that if he was going that deep, he was REALLY snooping. It snuffed the spark and he became ex-boyfriend shortly after. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:55:35 AM | | I'd be pissed....not because I'd have anything to hide, but just the fact he thought he had to spy on me rather than ask me something straight out. If I were dating someone and they wanted to see what I say to my friends, I wouldn't have a problem with it...he could read every single one I sent...but doing it without me knowing? Sneaking? Nope....that's disrespectful. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 12:17:27 PM | I had a former roommate snoop around my computer and access my email, icq, etc.
I was shocked and felt somewhat violated and I don't think it would be any different with a "partner".
If there's trust issues, they should be discussed out in the open, not by trying to catch someone in the act. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 12:23:56 PM | My old daddy once said that in the Navy in WW2 they had a system when one guy stole something belonging to another guy that was left lying around in plain view -- They always figured there were 2 offences to deal with... (1) stealing (or in this case prying)... (2) leaving something out as an incentive to steal -- or in other words "inciting a theft"...
The solution is simple... change the password .. The facts thus far suggest equal blame ... so if punishment is required sentence them equally... two hours each of hard ............
nuff said. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 12:50:13 PM | This could be very serious. It’s all about trust. If there is no trust or the trust erodes, there goes your relationship.
Give her your passwords and access… OR… change them and make her not trust you.
I made a mistake once of reading emails in a relationship that was still blooming. Found out more than I wanted to know.
Personal emails are a bit tricky whether innocuous or not because there is such a curiosity about them. On the one hand you and your partner deserve privacy. But if there are trust issues its best to open up. When the trust grows and she has access to your emails then she won’t have the need to read them. The more you hide the more she will be curious and the dominos fall, one by one.
I have access to all my partner’s emails and she has access to mine. Neither of us checks up on the other.
I like it that way. | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 48 | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 1:09:18 PM | I have to agree with Msg.47.
I don't condone snooping,but secrective behaviour breeds distrust.
If this is a long term relationship,there should be no secrets that could hurt the other party.
Sounds like there needs to be some major communication started. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 1:11:16 PM |
Private mail is private mail, for the eyes of the addressee only, just like snail mail, IMO.
Most people don't know this but your snail mail is only private and a federal offense from the time the sender puts it in the mailbox, to delivery to the address on the lettter. Once it enters into the address on the letter, that parcel becomes open game for whomever is in the house.
Ergo a wife and husband share responsibility to all the mail in the house.
A wife and husband should have no major secrets. They shouldnt be having questionble relationships with someone via email. They really should give up any relationship that held a major heart throb and near marriage experience attached. They are both going to have friends that they goof off with, say stupid stuff to, and even Rant about their SO's with. the SO should be told about such relationships and even a little.. idgnore my rants if you see one. Sometimes I need to blow steam and it's not that I dont love you.. I just need to work out the situation and my best bud is the only person I got to talk it out with. Then I can come talk sanely with you hun. :):) You know you have one like 'bob' and we both need a friend.
I used to leave my computer unloicked. My outlook was unlocked. the only password on the machine hadnt changed in 8 years and it was a password that related to my profession. Example: Working as ateacher and the password was teacher. Pretty blatant and easy for her to remember when she needed to use my computer. She admitted that she had to choose between 2 marriage proposals. Thats fine. I could handle it. Then I saw his name in an email over her shoulder once. I asked and she harped at me. She started harping about my IM friends (IM was alwatys on and she could chat or view anyone on it.). I hid nothing. Then I found a number on her phone that had an area code matching that guys. Sure enough.. she had his name under a womans name.. Hiding the name? Heck.. his name would have been LESS suspicious. So I decided to unleash the cat in the bag. I read her emails and lo and behold saw emails that unleashed pandoras box on my heart.
I'm sorry.. had I pushed about those emails from Day 1.. I wouldnt have wasted 5 years on this woman who couldnt devote her life to 1 guy.
If you are religious then you believe that you become 1 with your SO. Your body and life are theirs.. not yours. Theirs is yours. No secrets. No shame. Soon as you hide and play in the shadows.. you slip and walla.. destroy the relationship.
Do I care that her privacy was broken? No. She broke the sanctity of our relationship. The trust and bond were gone. I had an open book policy, she didnt. Who had the relationship at heart?
If someone is yelling.. "It's my privacy".. then they are just dating and havent decided to choose you as a companion or they were never ready for a real relationship. "I need my privacy" or "It's my money, my email... etc etc" These are words from a person who cant comit to being a couple as one. They want a relationship thats run like a corporation. Put money into the interests, share responsibilities but after the taxes are done and shares are distributed they are seperate entities acting like a singularity.
Thats not a relationship and its doomed to fail.
Find that person who makes your doors open and makes your life an open book. Then and only then are you destined for a real happy ending. | |
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I have nothing to hide but I feel that it would be a terrible violation of trust and privacy. 
