| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:17:37 PM | | It happened to me and I ended the relationship, it was the end of a long string of insecure behavior from her that I could no longer stand. Guess it depends on the person and how important the e-mail is to them. To defy anothers trust and invading your privacy is a serious offense, talk it though, find the reason and then make the decision. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:24:55 PM | | under no circumstances should you be invading your partner's privacy. If you can't trust your mate, then... well you've got bigger issues than email etiquette. If you suspect something's going on, you confront. It's called a r e l a t i o n s h i p.... | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 10:48:03 PM | I'm pretty isolated so a LOT of the socializing I do with women friends is either email or phone. I think I'd be kinda creeped if I thought their SO was reading my mail or listening in on the phone. It would certainly alter my relationship with them ( or male friends and their SOs either). And it ain't because we discuss them either.
I've only lived with one guy since the advent of the WWW, we shared a computer. I never looked. I was never even tempted to look. If he got a call, he either left the room or I did if it was private. He did a good many therapy sessions on the phone, and I'd just go read a book. After he died, I did look. To see if there were people I knew he loved and loved him that needed to be notified. But that was it.
Perhaps one shouldn't be *with* someone who feels like they need to watch you that closely? The only time it ever happened to me, via snail mail, he was on be way out, lol: *he* was cheating. Maybe he hoped I was, too, so he could feel less guilty?
Live. Learn. Life is good. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 12:10:07 AM | Nah, I would suggest you grow up. Reading someone's email without their permission is pretty much a major violation of privacy. It says that the person I am involved with is not able to maintain boundaries and respect my privacy. That is major. That says that the person has major issues that are going to manifest in more ways than just email.
oh cry violation......
I guess it's time to reinstate the "Electric Chair" as punishment for people reading email.
To defy anothers trust and invading your privacy is a serious offense, talk it though, find the reason and then make the decision.
if all else fails there's always execution.
TRUST?............it takes two to tango . | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 12:19:15 AM | | I think it's appalling and would question that person's self-security. I REALLY loathe when people rummage through my personal sh1t as if it is their own. That is a very certain peeve of mine. I don't relish cohabitation for this and other rage-inducing reasons. Love, Titus | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 106 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 12:54:48 AM |
Offence? - It is a crime. No matter of the content of an email. Plus, it is not just against me but also against the sender.
This is a False thought. It really depends on what State you live in, especially community property States like Texas. Each state has privacy laws, BUT.. they fall apart when your spouse is the subject of debate.
Me, EU, so I am talking from where I am standing. A spouse or not, we are still individuals. - Here the question was about reading private emails without permission (versus sharing). The same thing with letters arriving to home. Already to children you teach that when your name is not included there as a receiver, you never open it. It is not just protecting my privacy but also sender's privacy.
Psychologically, I am not sure whether it is that bad to have also a private space in your life. When you know are as thick as thieves, as one, you easily lose the interest, too, and start to take the other person for granted. (Just my personal opinion.) | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 1:03:51 AM | | Personally I couldn't care less as I've never had anything to hide from a wife or partner. I would talk to her though to find out why she had done it. She may have felt a little insecure because of her past or whatever. I hope she would be honest and open enough to explain her reasons to me. If any one said to me that I was invading their privacy in some way, from past experiences, I would say they definately had something to hide. I've always given 1o0% to my relationships and if you can't do that you shouldn't be in one, you're just lying and using the other person and will ultimately cause them great pain and then lose them forever. With regard to our rights and privacy, People used to hire Detectives to track and watch their partners if they had been given cause to suspect them. E-mails and mobiles have just reduced the cost and/or put checking on someone into the grasp of the ordinary person. If you are suspected of doing something wrong the first thing the police will do is check your computer and phones. If you are lying and deceiving your partner, the one you are supposed to love, you deserve to be found out and lose them. All you're thinking about is yourself and don't care about your partner at all. At least they have the chance to heal and make a life with an honest person and not waste their life living a lie with you. As I said in the beginning why should you worry if they read your mail/e-mail or SMS's, if you have nothing to hide. Before you check on some one behind there back I would think that you might talk to them about your desires or suspicions first so that they understand your point of view. This shows that you do respect them and value your relatonship together and that your not POSSIBLY the same as them. The Ball is then in their court. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 2:29:30 AM | It shows a lack of respect, possibly even trust.
The lack of respect for your privacy and personal space is a problem. We all have a right to that assuming we haven't been up to no good.
The lack of trust is a separate issue. If someone is so insecure that they have to check up on you to see what you are doing and saying without your knowledge then there's a problem that needs addressing. It may just be a simple lack of communication between the two of you; it may be that you are not open enough or behave in a manner that arouses suspicion; it may be that the person has a problem with being able to trust anyone period and that's something that can only be remedied over time with lots of patience and reassurance. Sometimes the damage has been to great and they can never trust. That doesn't mean there is no hope and the relationship is over.
People often make the mistake of thinking that trust is pivotal in a relationship but it isn't. You can work round it. There are millions of people out there who, for whatever reason, are unable to trust, it isn't their fault and they have just as much right to be loved as anybody else. Over time you can demonstrate that it is possible to believe in someone again by not letting them down and being open and honest. Lots of people love someone but can't trust them, sometimes with good reason because their partner is actively cheating or flirting so much they appear to be on the brink of an affair at any moment. Some can resign themselves to the fact that that is just the way it is and because they love their partner so much and just make the best of it. I know you are thinking, 'they can't possibly be happy' but it's amazing what we can adjust to sometimes. We don't live in a perfect world, we all have to make some allowances for the people we care about sometimes. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:21:09 AM | I'm in the camp who says that this is a major violation. If someone feels the need to snoop just to check up on the other party then something is seriously wrong with the relationship. It is a given that all parties should have nothing to hide, they do still have a right to privacy as a general rule.
That said, I caught my ex cheating through email...I DID NOT SNOOP until the proof smacked me in the face. I caught a lucky break, he fell asleep with a message sitting in front of his (and my) face. It was a laptop and he was laying on the couch with it on his chest. I literally walked over to tell him he should go to bed and to move the computer to avoid it falling off his chest onto the floor and there was all this "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you" tripe on the screen. After that, I sure as hell opened his email and read a long trail of incriminating messages. That said, I will still give a new partner complete trust and privacy with email...not letting my ex poison my future. I expect my email to stay private. I consider snooping, without A REALLY GOOD REASON, a sign that the person is not well adjusted and something major is wrong with the relationship. If you do have a really good reason, it is also probably very safe to assume there is something seriously wrong in the relationship and its likely well beyond email issues. ha, ha, ha...my ex tried to deny, deny, deny and when I told him I'd read everything, he was completely indignant that I'd read his email. Shut his a** right down by stating, "oh, did I betray your trust? I'm reeeeaaalllly sorry." Considering he'd been cheating for months and got totally busted plotting against me...there wasn't much he could say back. He didn't say a word about it after that. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:08:55 AM | | I'd like to add that I respect flora's opinion greatly. However, trust is critical for me. While people with trust issues are certainly entitled to love, they will have to get it from someone else. I can't be bothered with that crap. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:17:47 AM | I would be offended.
I dont believe in hiding things from your sig other...but I do have friends who want to communicate with me...not my partner...and they should feel free to tell me things and know it will be kept private within email.
I would tell her it's a huge invasion of privacy and make sure she knew I was pretty ticked about it.
One time, and an apology, Id accept that. If it continued, I dont think I could stick around for it. Ive been there, had someone question my every move, look and conversation, I didnt like it.
I value my privacy...and I value others right to feel the same. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:23:19 AM | I'd confront them about it directly. Don't pretend you don't know they've been doing that behind your back because it just leads to more maladaptive behaviors in the relationship.
But you have to be able to concede that YOU might be doing something to set off THEIR flags OK? So, I'd sit them down and with as little emotion as possible just say,"I know you've been reading my emails. What I want to know is, why do you feel you need to and be honest about it. Am I doing something you find suspicious?" And let them answer without fear of repurcussion. You have to gauge their answer to determine if this is a case of them transferring their own sneaky behavior onto you or if you are in fact giving them reason for pause ( unknowingly, of course ), or if they have an emotional problem that would be better served through some counseling. Wether you throw the baby out with the bath water has a lot to do with how they answer you. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:28:01 AM |
We all have the right to our privacy but I wonder if when you live-in/marry if maybe not as much as when we're single. I mean what do ya got to hide???
indigo rose your a hoot and you can snoop in my medicine cabinet anytime not that any of y'all ever done that when your at some else's house.
Hey did you hear this one? What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
And what do you call a woman handcuffed?  a yummie thought... | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:53:46 AM | Invading another's privacy is very serious. I would be really pissed. My journals and computer are off limits, and so are his to me.
The one exception was when my BF of 7 years told me he wanted it to end with us because he wanted to get married, and he knew at this point I wasn't the one, a fact with which I agreed. The breakup was amicable, but I was living with him and getting ready to move out. He started taking long walks and locking himself in his bedroom or other rooms, having long, quiet conversations (he normally HATES the phone).
We had our own laptops and never used each other's. But because of his behavior, one night when he was out, I looked at his email, and it was full of mostly naked pics of a woman 20 years younger than he (she was an underwear model). This had clearly been going on since right around our breakup. I confronted him, and he admitted that she had been the trigger for the breakup. It was the deception that hurt the most; I told him I'd much rather he'd been honest with me, because I had trusted him.
Ironically, this happened during a trip of his to NYC from Boston, one on which I'd offered to come, but he refused, and I said, "Well, just don't fall for some hot Manhattan girl." That's what he did...  Men and their stupid midlife crises...
The epilogue is that she was pretty nuts and made his life miserable. Later, though, he met a woman who is very compatible with him, and she's now running his life for him...  Good luck to them! | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:21:03 AM | I guess i shouldn't be surprised that so many people have said its an unforgiveable violation of their privacy to have someone read their email. But I think context should be considered as well.
To have someone just checking out your email for no reason whatsoever other than curiousity, unfounded suspicions, control issues, etc. then sure, that's unacceptable. But what if there is reason? What if you have given them reason to suspect something is amiss? What if they have talked to you about it and you have assured them that no, nothing is going on, don't worry about it?
Well I'm sure that the folks on the forums, fine upstanding people that you are, can be trusted (who are we kidding here?) but the reality is that there are many people who can't be trusted. I've been in this situation a couple of times before and if it weren't for looking a little deeper into things, I would have been played the fool for much longer than i was. AND, I got to confront her with the truth! No, I didn't just snoop for the sake of being a snoop, I had suspicions. Suspicions that were found to be true.
Bury your heads in the sands if you want, but if something doesn't feel right, I'm going to find out. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:27:47 AM |
He started taking long walks and locking himself in his bedroom or other rooms, having long, quiet conversations (he normally HATES the phone).
Methink ,if your in a relationship and in it to just going thought the motions without having common goals, respect for each other, similar interest and beliefs then
methink the writing was on the wall long before your detective work.
Sorry for your bad luck and hope you find a dance partner in step on the same page as
you and him into you. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:27:50 AM | I don't condone invading another person's privacy. I do however think there can be exceptional circumstances. Honesty is paramount, but what if the person you are involved with is having sex with someone else while supposedly in a monogamous and mutually agreed upon exclusive relationship with you, in fact talking about moving in together (unprotected sex no less and the other person is also having sex with others)? What if your sig other denies everything straight off the top, and then concedes only when he realizes the cat is really out of the bag? What if your sig other already knows you have issues with him and other ex's as "friends", and then goes and bangs an ex behind your back anyway? What if you are patronized and led to believe he's on the up and up, showing you an email from a person they dated before and replying saying that he's involved with you now, however unbeknownst to you while having written an email to one person is really banging another ex?
Get off the high horse's people, there are times when it's right to protect yourself. Trust once it's lost is hard to get back. You think you know a person, and then find out they have an entirely different code of conduct for themself. I'm not sure I'll ever trust a man completely again.
I think when you have to hide things, you are kidding yourself into believing it's about your "space". | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:38:48 AM | Im in 2 minds about this.
At first I thought it wouldnt bother me, I would hope I give enough good vibes for my partner to fully trust me, I am always being careful not to step out of line on things that may hurt the other so I wouldnt be doing anything wrong in email for them to be upset about.
Then I thought what would my sister think or my girlfriends think if they knew I was being careless with their emails to me while they are pouring their hearts out on private issues. Eeeek they would be upset so I think I will be more careful to sign off in future. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:39:22 AM | ^ Yes, but I answered the question as if it were happening to me.
Anyone who knows me should realize that I'm not going to be up to any juvenile, shady behavior.... so if I catch someone snooping around, I know its because they've either got some sort of paranoia or they simply can't communicate their needs. | |
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~tag~
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Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 120 | |
| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:55:52 AM |
"I don't condone invading another person's privacy. I do however think there can be exceptional circumstances."
Oh, I ABSOLUTELY agree. I didn't mean I wasn't 'above' it if indeed I felt there was a dire reason. And I'd fully expect my S.O. to have the same feeling.
I have to say though, that if you've hit that point, then once you've done your snooping, if there's nothing there, if you love them, then a serious heart to heart is in order, because you've got some issues that need to be resolved. If there IS something there? Well. To each their own, but I prefer the 'toss their junk out onto the front lawn & get an attorney' approach. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:00:34 AM | Well I for one have neva snooped or had a drink for that matter
You people kill me...To those of you that would never never invade a loved ones privacy even if you had reason to suspect evil doing...I must say my hat is off to you. You are a way better person than I...AKA Joe and Forumfun good posts ...naww great posts!!! | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:19:28 AM | live in relationship..
to me i wouldnt have a personnell email account..
if i was living or married to a man..i wouldnt say things to anyone that he couldnt read...
id being sharing my life with him and my personnell things with him..so why another email account that he couldnt read?? | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:29:47 AM | I would confront them and let them know I am aware that they are reading my email. I would then ask why. What reason(s) are they invading your privacy?
I would be pretty upset, as I said previously it is an invasion of one's privacy. However, if the person is up to no good then there is your reason for the invasion of privacy.
Obviously, there is a trust issue present. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:30:21 AM | I'm a private person so it would bother me on several levels...
* the privacy violation (ask and I'll tell ya what's up in my life... don't need to snoop)
* the problem of trust in the relationship
I would want very much to know the "why" of it... what pushed or pulled someone to violate the other's privacy.
I once violated someone's privacy... my ex told me that he had stopped his affair and broken off all contact with her - thus had met my condition for looking at whether we could work things out. I broke into his work voice mail and listened to her continuing messages. I beat myself up for it for a few days, then let it go as a character aberration brought on by the stress of the situation.
I once didn't violate someone's privacy... I had taken away my daughter's computer and cell phone because she wasn't getting to sleep. Everything was sitting there wide open. I debated snooping, arguing with myself that parents are allowed to violate their minor children's privacy in order to see what was going on in their lives. I chose not to because we have a strong bond of respect and openness and I did not want to violate the trust we share.
Someone once violated my privacy... a bf, who knew very well my stance on privacy, went through my journal on my computer. To his credit, he confessed and said he had done it in a moment of wild insecurity to see if what I was saying to him matched my inner thoughts. I asked him if it did, he said yes. He'd previously "accidentally" opened some of my mail, and I'd accepted his apology then at face value. I don't believe in coincidence... it took a while longer to wrap things up with us, and yes there were other issues, but that was the final straw for me. | |
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| Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:40:13 AM | JustJim: you need to read more carefully. The full quote was:
The breakup was amicable, but I was living with him and getting ready to move out. He started taking long walks and locking himself in his bedroom or other rooms, having long, quiet conversations (he normally HATES the phone).
Obviously the relationship I *thought* we were in was one where we were breaking up amicably due to different life goals. But he had been deceiving me for that month or so, and was really moving on for some younger tail. Thus the detective work. Otherwise it had been a good relationship for the previous seven years. Ever heard of mid-life crisis?? | |
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