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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:00:08 AM | Oh yeah, he's got some racist views. And it's not even so much the vile words he used, it's the context in which he used them. Lumping people into groups like that, especially with such negative connotations is undeniably racist. Whether he was raised that way or came up with those opinions on his own, they are based in fear of anything or anyone different than he is as well as complete disrespect for other humans.
It's so easy for people to fall into that way of thinking - someone says something to them, and rather than thinking critically, they take the path of least resistance and just take that opinion as their own. My ex was Southern Baptist. I'm Jewish. I thought he was so cute and so charming that I fell immediately. It wasn't until after we were married that he started saying things to me like " so and so said Jewish girls . . ." followed by a host of stereotypical things that "we" do. It was just the beginning of the disrespect he began to show. That was a huge part of the reason I left - his charm and appeal went out the window - fast. A year and a half later, and I was able to raise my daughter without such negativity. She's 24 now, and has NO sign of her dad's bigotry, thank goodness.
Good luck whatever YOU decide to do. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:01:42 AM |
Sorry, I don't appreciate your racist remarks. Please don't use them around me."
Take out the sorry, and the please and you've got the perfect response.
Agreed, but that's only suitable for a co worker, neighbor, acquaintance, etc. He's her intimate partner and I seriously doubt he's a mindless twit; this is his mindset. Not vocalizing it doesn't mean he doesn't believe it, it just means he's choosing to use his manners.
What would I do? I'd stop dating him. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:45:54 AM | Ok, this is my completely honest opinion on this issue. I went ahead and laughed at the sugar coating when I poured the salt in.
This country has become very whiped by it's own philosiphy. All men are equal. Now please let me finish before calling me a racist. I look around and see alot of the different religions in jails. But for some reason there are fewer whites than some other races (depending on where you look) in these prisons. Maby it's because we were the ones that shaped the country into what you see today (depending on what you read) and we know what the rules are and follow them as closely as our own respective lives will let us (depending on who you are looking at) and as much as time will allow. Some white people can be quite loud and obnoxious (rednecks) while others can be quiet and very controlled in how they do things (alot of anybody I work with) while still others will try and help others out while throwing a couple laughs into it. In any case (depending on your vision of the world around you) it can be said that seeing is believing.
P.S.- I hope my message got across (Corectly) and was not misunderstood or half read. | |
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Geedle
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Joined: 1/29/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:17:45 AM | Snow Angel: I know how you feel. I had a comment made to me in an e-mail from someone I had met on POF about my last name. He said "Your last name ............., is that a Jewish last name, I couldn't possibly date someone Jewish being a born again Christian. First of all, I am not Jewish, I was married to a Jewish man. I have a child who is 1/2 Jewish. I felt violated and although I am white I felt discriminated against. Would a really, truly, born again with nothing in love in his heart say something so ignorant! I e-mailed him back that I would never be a born again and he said "so this is a deal breaker?". .......and still asked me to go out.......what is wrong with this guy!
PS: Remember stupid Jesus was Jewish | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:34:50 AM | i was in a situation like this not too long ago. what started out as a casual conversation became a debate on the current state of aboriginal issues in Canada. being a Blackfoot woman who has dedicated her life to advancing our community (socially, politically, spiritually) and promotes building healthy, respectful cross-cultural relations and understanding....i try to keep an open mind and really hear what others' perspectives are when discussing sensitive matters.
when he used the phrase "superior race" in reference to his own ancestory, and basically summed up Canadian's "lack of respect or appreciation" for my people being b/c we've, apparently, contributed nothing positive to Canadian society....
admittedly, i shut down at that point.
and though i tried very hard not to take it personally, to chalk it up as his own limited worldview, intolerance and ignorance, his words stayed in my head for several days.
in light of my career goals, being a community leader, it was apparent that i could not date him. i couldn't even be friends w/someone possessing such hidden hatred for other "inferior" races.
it was not even worth discussing or trying to follow up on; a mind like his will never see their own short-sighted perspective, nor accept an opposing worldview.
We should learn from little children they never see skin pigment just other kids!
i have to respectfully challenge this ^.
i understand what you are trying to say, and i appreciate the underlying message.
but children *do* see colour. and until they are influenced by the inequality they see in the world around them, or internalize the stereotypes they observe, read about, see in the media or hear in their schools or homes...they are intrigued and fascinated by ethnic / racial diversity. and in some cases, they are fearful.
the whole "colour blind" phrase is a backhanded slight; though it appears to suggest equality and acceptance, what it is really saying is that "i will accept you in spite of your colour, i don't want to see your colour". any empowered "coloured" person will tell you that they *like* their colour, and they *want* others to see it, to see the richness in diversity in our communities, and to value it as we do.
canam_miles:
basically, you rock. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:55:06 AM | a racist slur from someone your dating - what do you do?
What DID I do is a better question. I kicked his azz to the curb. There are certain things that are deal breakers (for me) and I make No exceptions. Racial 'slurs' do not just "slip out"!!! blahblahblah
There is a level of ignorance that lives in bigots, racists and all other 'Haters' that I just Cannot tolerate.
Far as I'm concerned anyone (male or female) who thinks and talks of other human beings as if they are anything but Living, Breathing, Feeling Beings who All deserve the same respect and consideration - does Not belong in my world.
I much prefer those who look at the species human as a Wonderful Mix of Shapes, Sizes, Colours, Customs and many other exciting Differences!
We really should be celebrating our species, rather than trying to do ourselves in ..
JMHO
A.S.is
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:56:25 AM | He is racist on some level. My X is Mexican-American, my kids are half. He constantly goes on and on about how white people are screwing the Mexicans and the blacks. Whatever.
People can have no racial bias and make tacky remarks when they are ticked off but with the regularity that your SO makes these comments and his seeming to not only use derogatory terms but believe the stereotypes about people of various racial and ethnic groups, he is racist. Raj, the number of white people in America who actually believe that people are treated equal under the law and in society is miniscule.
How he justifies being with you, who knows. My kids have even asked my X if you hate white people so much why did you marry mom. I'm not sure when I figured out what a huge bigot he was. Perhaps early on I made excuses because he experienced discrimination in his childhood and sometimes today but I think it is more in his head than anything else. A clerk at Wal-Mart looks at him sideways and he is off on a rant about being Mexican.
I could never live with someone like this again and in your shoes, I would be worried about what fight will be bad enough for him to finally use the N word to describe you.
Ex-navy, the prison population is related to socio-economics and not because whites are way so much better at observing the law and the vast majority of people in prison are there on drug charges.
As for children not seeing skin color, they see it, they just for the most part do not have any negative notice of it. The first time my kid said something about someone being black it was after she started day care. She had been handled by people of all different skin colors prior to that and never noticed or mentioned it. People have to be taught distrust and hate. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 6:06:42 AM | There is a difference between being racist and being prejudiced.
We all hold prejudices (preheld or learned beliefs) about other people and groups. It's part of inherent psychological makeup; a base protective instinct. Of course, thats not to say these beliefs can be changed through open learning. But it is difficult,; as humans we try to look for evidence to support our beliefs, not dispell them. Most of the time, our prejudices don't dramatically effect our behaviour and we carry on day to day rarely thinking too much about our differences.
Racism is the action part of a prejudice. It happens when we use our power to harm a certain group. Pretty much all Sociological studies indicate an imbalance of power between ethnic groups all over the world. In North America, English Caucasions are the dominant group. In other words, the members of this group have the most power, and can do the most harm. As such, ANY sort of subverted remark or action made by eng. caucs has the power to harm. The most unfortunate thing is, many of them don't even realize it, believing that 'everyone's all equal anyways', and, 'I don't really believe that'.
In understanding the dynamics of what happens when somebody 'jokes' about other groups, it may be best to use this as an opportunity for education, by expressing your feelings on the matter. After the first time you tell them you don't like such comments, any true friend would respect it enough to leave it alone. A continuance should spell the end for you unless you are pathetic enough to endure that shit.
It isn't easy, you will usually meet resistance by that person, one step at a time. Good luck. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 6:51:59 AM | I'm a troll? I actually thought long and hard where to post this. I picked this area because it is a relationship/love issue. I think its easier for people to say they don't have racist friends...or that they are fine with friends joking around about race...I think its an entirely different issue when someone you care for....even trust around your children says something so horrible. I wanted people to discuss this based on a relationship where the person was "using their manners" and charm in the beginning and later on you see another side of them.
What I find so incredible is that even without knowing him so many have described him perfectly. He is extremely controlling, insecure, and has violent outbursts. He expects his behaviors to be excused because he was mad or whatever he said just slipped out.He does have serious held beliefs about certain groups....even though he has friends of that ethnicity. His family is extremely religious and self righteous but very intolerant. I find that after knowing him a yr I am hearing alot more derogatory terms about homosexuals, east indians, natives, and asians. I find it amazing that he could fall in love with me...be polite to my family ...accept their support and love...and still think the N-word in his head. I'm just a different sort of person I suppose.
I had thought we could remain friends. I have alot of friends who have opinions/parenting styles/mates etc I don't agree with. This to me is a deal breaker as far as friendship. I don't trust him the way I trust my friends. In my world I don't make excuses for behavior or room for this kind of hate. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:06:49 AM | i'm having a hard time understanding how this could be a "troll" post, too.
it's a topic bearing much relevance--especially judging by the amount of responses expressing having experienced the same issue.
but that's just MHO. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:21:15 AM | SnowAngel:
People (of all races) make racist comments all the time. Just FYI, if the guy is dating you, and knows you're half-black, then it's not likely he's racist toward blacks (he may have some stereotypes, but a real racist wouldn't be dating you).
Of more concern to you should be the fact that you're just not comfortable with him. If you can't come to terms with the fact that your b/f will occasionally use the terms he's using, it's going to eat up your relationship. You seem a little thin-skinned about it, and if so, you're not going to grow thicker skin quick enough to save the relationship. Bottom-line: find a partner who is compatible with you. If you want someone who is more color-blind than your current b/f and who doesn't use those terms, then you might need to make a change. Good luck! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:25:10 AM | The problem with people like this is that they really think they are not being racist, but that simply they are right. They are the ones that call you "you people" and that you should do this or that. The funny thing is that they use that language and they act upon it as well yet if you call them what they are a racist, they get offended.
I personally have zero tolerance for such people. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:25:50 AM | Most men regardless of ethnic background, moral standards or level of prejudice.... will date or have an intimate relationship with a mixed- black woman or any African-heritage female just to say they have done it once. I've heard racist bigots joke about how they would love to tap some black a..(shut your mouth) 
In any case (depending on your vision of the world around you) it can be said that seeing is believing.
^^^I wish I would have said it first.....I heard about a television show a while back. You know I think that show was taken off the air.....to many complaints I'm sure. Most people like to believe the lies that their "world" and rose colored glasses have convinced them of. Most people don't want to admit they prejudge other races based on stereotypes they have heard. Most people love to JUDGE another group of people based on their experience with a few bad apples or a few bad experiences.
Most Bigots don't care how they make others feelexample racial slur slip-ups ....until they are mistreated based on their own social inadequacies. Then all of a sudden you'll hear the preppy, socialite yelling "I hear you brother."....lol. Paris Hilton going to jail that was funny. Kinda made her realize doesn't matter how rich, young, pretty or famous you are, you can still end up on the bottom bunk with your azz against the wall.
OK back to the show.....
The shows pitch was something to the liking of social opposites living in each others shoes . There was a white and black family. The white family had to wear skin make-up and prosthesis that made them black and the black family were made to look white.
By the end of the day the white family was so relieved that they only wore make up and could take off their blackness .....the caucasian family never knew racism existed to the extent it does today. They couldn't cope.
Before any caucasian or extremely fair skinned european starts yelping about how dark skin people are getting to many favors in this world. I suggest you live in their shoes for a week.
The Great Social injustice ---Racism
It exists all over the world...but the great melting pot is by far the worst...
Yep it does exist in America big time. Ethnic discrimination in the 21 century is masked. You will not see so much proof the way it was before the 6o's. But now that so many are rallying against affirmative action......you can bet your bottom dollar we all will start to notice a change.
I think affirmative action was good but more often it was used not to hire the most qualified candidate but to meet a quota . Damn-it I don't want the job cause I am helping you meet your fauckin' quota...I want the job because I am better than all the other candidates ...by far. 
So like I said before ,a partisan caucasian person should Live as a Dark Skinned [i/]person for a week...try mingling in your local pubs, shopping in your local stores, go to a few interviews and apply for jobs you KNOW you qualify for, Hell try buying a soy mocha latte at the Starbucks in that nice white suburb..... try enrolling your dark skinned kids in your white suburban daycare and school (I love it when they refer me to a more suitable school that would benefit my child much better than their school will. I tell them thank you...and I really, really mean it.)
I'm willing to bet $500 ....wait$1500 you couldn't last a day.
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:44:12 AM | If it's something persistent and seems like something with bad intentions then don't date him. If it's not then don't be overly sensitive. Controlling what people say and being politically correct has done nothing but to ruin this country. Talk about throwing freedoms out the window. You can tell when someone is being racist and when someone is being a wiseass. There's a big difference. Recognize this and then make your decision.  | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 7:47:40 AM | ^^^^^Kindacute, I totally get what you are saying and while I have been on the other end of things too, I am never going to have to deal with racial profiling, etc. on a daily basis.
At the same token, sometimes it gets old when people tell you you can never understand how I feel. Correct, I cannot, but to fail to see that some people at least try I think is just as bad as people that are prejudiced for other reasons.
I have had blacks and Hispanics treat me badly because I am white and what I don't understand is how someone can complain about being discriminated against, etc., then turn around and do the same exact thing to someone else.
I wonder if it is ever going to really be different. Obviously things have improved but there is still way too much misunderstanding going on. Maybe my oldest brother was right about 20 years ago when he said everybody should just screw everybody until we are all the same color.
OP, glad you have decided to cut ties. The other behaviors you describe suggest that his bad behavior will only escalate. Been there, done that. On the upside, I used to worry that my kids were more influenced by their dad than me. All three of them become totally indignant whenever they hear a negative comment toward someone's race or ethnicity. Children learn from example but they can also learn which example to pay attention to. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:03:24 AM | Living in Texas, I once took a temp job in the administrative offices of a well known Hispanic grocery store. Most of the people I worked with were Hispanic, I am white.
What I loved about that job was when I would enter the room, they switched from speaking Spanish to English, simply out of courtesy for the fact that my Spanish really sucks.
It was nice, nice enough to remember it and mention it here. Just sayin'. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:06:01 AM |
I have had blacks and Hispanics treat me badly because I am white and what I don't understand is how someone can complain about being discriminated against, etc., then turn around and do the same exact thing to someone else.
They think they are entitled to it.
I wonder if it is ever going to really be different. Obviously things have improved but there is still way too much misunderstanding going on. Maybe my oldest brother was right about 20 years ago when he said everybody should just screw everybody until we are all the same color.
Simple. There is too much political correctness masking the problems in this country. The other problem is that there isn't equality actually going on. If there was then you wouldn't be asked what race you are on a job application. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:19:19 AM | So he doesn't like non-whites? Exactly why are you seeing him? Who's nuts here? You or him or maybe both?
BTW, we probably all harbor some racist tendencies regardless of what we say. I only hang around with white people, and I don't have any Black or Asian friends. I also hang out in a club that has a very mixed group of people. All of my white friends, who range in age from 34 to over 60 have made racist remarks at one time or another.
Do I try to point out to them that they're being politically incorrect along with being racists and bigots? No I don't for the simple reason that I like them and my association with them.
I don't live in a perfect world nor do I pretend to be a perfect person.
The Eagle | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:32:12 AM | I think affirmative action was good but more often it was used not to hire the most qualified candidate but to meet a quota . Damn-it I don't want the job cause I am helping you meet your fauckin' quota...I want the job because I am better than all the other candidates ...by far.
Affirmative action was supposed to be outreach programs to find qualified blacks, white women, people from a certain geographic area, lower income people etc. Sometimes affirmative action is NOT used properly. People should not be given X amount of points on a test because of their gender, race, income etc or people should not be hired just a fill a quota. When people are hired to fill a quota, they are often just figureheads and aren't given any important jobs.
I once saw a show where people would send out resumes and applications to various places. People with the "white sounding" names were more likely to get interviews for bank loans, apartments, and jobs than people with "black sounding" names. Even though the person with the "black sounding" name and the person with the "white sounding" name were equally qualified. Or the person with the "black sounding" name was slightly more qualified.
I have had blacks and Hispanics treat me badly because I am white and what I don't understand is how someone can complain about being discriminated against, etc., then turn around and do the same exact thing to someone else.
That can apply to some people of all races. Not just blacks or Hispanics. That can also apply to other things such as body type and religion. For example, some fat women will complain about people making fun of them because of their weight. Then they will make fun of thin women. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:35:52 AM | I believe all or most people harbor some prejudices (preconceived notions) due to the environment we were raised in, personal experiences or whatever. Some people learn manage their internal dialogue and recognize when their perception is being skewed by these. Others just continue to believe that is the way the world is and everyone thinks like they do. Still yet others pick and choose what cards to hold or toss depending on what game they're playing with whom.
Personally, I was raised by racists and it has been a struggle to overcome those seeds planted in my mind so long ago. I notice some still cropping up from time to time. Most important to me is that I recognized the error of my family's ways and tried to raise my own kids differently. Regarding family members and people I've know a long time, I ask them not to use slurs in my presence (or my kids') but I haven't had to ask in a long time. I avoid those who didn't honor my request and I won't allow new acquaintances like that in my life. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/13/2008 9:42:05 AM | oh yeah I am so glad the OP dumped her rude boyfriend. I have dumped a few who were border-line prejudice and racist. They love asking those dumb questions like....Why do black people like chicken and watermelon? or Why do Black people act like .....? I had a German BF who went as far as attempting to prove to me that black people truly are partial to chicken...and how it was in our genetic make up to like chicken and other ethnic foods like chitterlings and such. I am glad he dumped me....lol
Oh YEAAAAHHHH, being treated badly by a few low class people is not the same as being treated unfairly your entire life because you are the wrong ethnicity. In America skin color and religion are two excuses most feel justified to prejudge another person on. Being the wrong ethnicity, a minority , in the wrong financial class or the wrong religion will get you black balled when the majority is dictating what is socially acceptable.So yes, if you go to the ghetto driving your brand new suburban-mobile trying to hang in the hood you will most likely be discriminated against.
( Being Dark skinned, Asian , Middle eastern or African American, Muslim, Buddhist, Wicca, or POOR in a White Christian aristocrat nation is a red flag. You will be unjustly profiled...period. You will be prejudged and treated as if you must accept the leftovers thrown your way...period.
You will hear "those" people say " I was treated unfairly by a minority once so you don't have the right to complain". Take it like a woman, you should work harder if you don't want to be treated like poor caribean trash....ok I digress
Most partisans like to compare their problems to minorities to down play the seriousness of the social issues of racism.
There are a few cultures that don't judge a person by their skin color....in those cultures the only thing you are judge by is your money or lack of.
I've seen Caucasian snub each other because one group lives in a trailer park, or because one group, has Italian in their heritage, or because one group wealth is old money and the other is new Money. ( some of you know exactly what I mean.)
But NO my dear you can not compare that to being a Negro in America , It is not the same as being a Caucasian parent being snubbed by their family, friends and society as a whole cause their children have very strong African features.
btw, I didn't realized people still used the term Colored folks until I moved to Georgia.
So while political correctness can be over used and abused....When will people stop referring to Dark skinned African heritage people as Black? The term Black was adopted when the Government agencies decided to stop labeling my ancestors as Negro.... calling me a Negro, calling me black holds the same negative stigma as calling me a ni***.
The only thing that is black on me is....well...uhm....huh darn-it. I can not discuss that here.
That term "white" and "black" when referring to some ones ethnicity was cultivated by Americana's slave trade society. People of African decent were known as Negro...or Ni...
I generally use the terms "blacks" and "whites" when speaking in a racially charged public assembly or forum and mostly to differentiate someone ethnicity when racism concerning Caucasian and African-American are an issue.
Whites -in a more political correct tone are known as caucasian.
Hispanic now are referred to as Latino or their point of origin. There is no country of Hispania. There is a Hispaniola it is split between the Haitian and Dominican republicans.
Asians are not known as yellow people.....They are considered Asian until their point of origin or heritage is known. ex; Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Cambodian, Filipino...etc
But African-American, African-heritage people as myself...(or if you have 1/8 of African in you buy the deep south standards )are still labeled ....Blacks?....and mixed-heritage get to chose the option of being "mixed" or "other".
My skin is not black.....even in the Latin languages I am described as "negro" which translates to black person...its kinda sad. I am still being labeled according to a darker variation of my skin color and not my ethnicity or heritage.
I am Tam, I am dark skinned. I am living in a prejudice,racist society yet I still date the offspring of my ancestors oppressors.
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