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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/14/2008 10:07:19 PM |
or it could be worse... maybe the whole family thinks and speaks like him. get out while you're still alive!!
oh I'm sure if you did a back check.........you'd find out the apple didn't fall to far from the tree. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/14/2008 10:10:20 PM |
I'm debating this issue right now and am blasted for suggesting that this issue maybe a cross that we may have to bare. An African-American who I respect asked the question, " Why is it that Germans, Irish, Polish, Chinese and all other hyphenated americans can identify with their communities, but if a Barack Obama was to identify with his community there's no way he would be elected president" ? My response to this question as I thought about it was that, "The Germans, Irish, Polish or even the Japanese after having been put into the enturnment camps, never had a civil rights movement, they suffered in silence." Because of the civil rights movement, being a bit silent, may now have to be "The Black man's burden". The reason for my view is that today, there are white children being born today who may not know anything about the past or too much of it. As a result, a bit of silence may be warranted. Some may disagree with my point of view.
What a very thoughtful statement. That thought has never occurred to me.
I suspect there is truth in this. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:35:07 AM |
Well I do sort of agree with the guy you were dating. Its the same anywhere in the world, if your aboriginal or negro you can get away with almost anything cause white people are usually to afraid to do anything. But that's just my oppinion and I don't think asians are bad drivers, pakis are as I've been t boned by one before and whooo was I enraged, got out the car and abused him black and blue, said a few racial comments (to his face) and he didn't know what to say ..
am i the only one who sees the irony, here..? *snicker* | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:41:05 AM | 
you do know the slur "cracker" isn't referring to white people having skin the color of crackers, right? It's referring to the slave drivers who cracked whips on the slaves' backs; "crackers" for short.
Ummm....yep. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 12:28:51 PM | so typical.
racists have no point to prove, so like the predictable person, they resort to name calling.
there's nothing wrong with not liking a certain group of people, imo. but there admitance that all people are not like the ones who did whomever wrong. and if you don't like a certain group. just don't act like it. we all have prejudices. don't treat people differently because of your experiences. a lot of white people hate my guts because i'm far from poor, i look good, i don't beg them for nothin, don't envy them, or wanna have nothing to do with them. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't feel and/ or see racism. i'm sick of it. people that aren't of my race, and see i drive a pretty nice car, and got a lil paper, lets just say: hate, hate hate.
when will it be over? when people who aren't getting discriminated against start caring, and DOING something about it.
guess what b!tches, we've been black since the day we were born. tell us something we don't know!!! who gets mad a nigg#r anymore? what was your point again?
yeah a lot of my friends are white, and for some reason if you're mixed, that makes you more datable than dating a 100% black person like me, idk i just don't get peoples thought processes oftentimes. i have met a lot of mixed women that hate the fact they are half black. WHITE IS RIGHT! i guess... 
and girl BREAK UP WITH HIM! PLEASE! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:17:43 PM | | The fact that you even dated him says a lot about your own self worth. I don't feel sorry for you ONE bit. The fact that you have to come to this forum and ASK if what he said was wrong says a lot about YOU. And that ain't saying much! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:32:02 PM |
I don't believe people just say stupid things or they slip out.
I know that black/fat/short/female/whatever people use derogatory terms because it takes the sting out of the word if you learn to use it...I don't use it...to me its low class...that is just me though.
obviously, not all black women are loud.
however, what he said had nothing whatsoever to do with black people. he was talking about arabs.
you're overreacting, big time | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:40:09 PM |
The fact that you even dated him says a lot about your own self worth.
This is not necessarily true. Maybe he didn't show what kind of person he was when she started dating him? I was in a relationship with a man many years ago. He started out great. Within a few months he started letting little racist comments "slip". When he found out that I have dated several black men, have black ancestors, and several black family members, he was livid. It did not take long for me to find out that he was a card carrying member of the KKK, knew the man who dragged James Byrd to death and thought of him as a hero....anyway, you get the idea. I immediately dumped him, but I actually had to get a gun for protection. He hinted that he would kidnap my child (I had my oldest son then) and tried to break into my house once. I don't know if this man you are dating is anything close to this bad, but trust me, they can hide it. I say, be afraid, be VERY afraid!!!!!!! | |
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Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 85 | |
| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:50:21 PM |
(Basically he really believes east indians are bad at business, asians are bad drivers, black women are loud etc etc etc.)
These are cultural stereotypes. Our culture put these ideas in our heads and doesn't do much to prevent it. I would guess your friend has grown up with those ideas, is surrounded by folks with similar ideas (or no real problem with it).
Folks say stuff, like "dude my car wont start, dude, thats gay"
The person saying this has no idea really that this could be offensive.
Besides the fact that an automobiles inoperablity has vary little to do with homosexuality.
The fact a person may be at what ever emotional state when using language in this way doesn't actually convey a whole lot about what they're feeling. More like the society they were raised in. East Indians crack don't mean jack out here, and no one ever refers to a trash bag as an "East Indian Suitcase. " Thats because there are no east Indians here and that cultural norm is not enforced in anyway. If I said that, no one would know what I'm talking about. Though when I traveled out along the west coast i heard that expression a few times.
--I dont believe the people who said it to be racists or discriminating but they still used something like that pretty much unwitteningly.
Your BF sounds a little ignorant, sure, maybe PO too at the time. I would Try and really explian things versus saying hey don't do that.
here in main we have flat landers. I call people from out of state flatlander. you could come from Colorado, or the alps you'd still be the flatlander. Doesn't mean very much. Im not out plotting the demise to out of stater's. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:55:53 PM |
He says "the one thing that bothered me most about her getting arrested is she is protesting in public places and gets arrested while some sand n*gg*r protests shit where ever he wants and doesnt get into trouble."
OP,I don't think your BF was talking about African Americans. The term he used I do not like neither do I agree with him,but it has been used many years about people other than African Ameicans..I will not name the people I think he was talking about,but they aren't African American...
OK I was dating a guy and I had heard him use racist stereotypes before ...I had always stopped him and told him clearly I cant deal with that or be around it. He would apologize and stop for a while.
(Basically he really believes east indians are bad at business, asians are bad drivers, black women are loud etc etc etc.).
OP,your BF wasn't being racist saying certain people are bad business people ,or bad drivers,or black women being loud.
I think your BF could use some manners and refrain from saying silly stuff,but saying what you say he said isn't racist. Plenty of people are bad business people,bad drivers and get loud....
I date an African American lady and she can get loud when she wants my attention ,or if she gets pissed off at me....Hell,Caucasian women get loud,I know I'm Caucasian and some I've dated were loud as dyamite exploding.
My advice to you ; if your going to fret and worry your BF is going to let the racial side show down the road get the hell away from him.
Though the things you have claimed he said is not racial,he just might be a freaking racist,the side he has kept secret.
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 6:02:36 PM | Hey Snow Angel,
I didn't read every response to your question, but I read the first two pages and may I say from what I read that Mr. Canam Miles' responses were beautiful and well-thought. How nice if we could all see through what is real and what is hype, what is necessary and what is not, what is now and what is obsolete. Again, beautiful, man.
Well, my story goes like this...I dated a girl ONCE. We were having some good times, she got a few beers in her and then came out with a racist remark directed toward blacks. I was about to tell her that I don't go for that, but she was a constant talker and I couldn't get a word in, so I deployed another strategy: I decided to wait and see how far she would take it. For the rest of the evening, she would periodically make racist remarks and then told me a racist joke. I never smiled at her remarks or laughed at her joke, thought she might get the hint at some point without me having to point out the obvious. She didn't. At least she wasn't being loud. I had already made up my mind that I would find some way to calmly let her know in no uncertain terms what a racist bigot I thought she was before we parted, but without the possibility of making a scene. I made an excuse to end the evening and walk her to her car and on the way, we passed my friend's shop (closed for the night) which sold African Cultural Items. My friend is very proud of his heritage. I explained that this was the shop of a dear friend and didn't he have a nice window display. I thought she might say something like "Oh my gosh! And I've been telling these jokes to you all night! No wonder you didn't laugh, I'm so sorry." To my surprise, she began making fun of the stuff in the window! In the next breath, she told me what a wonderful time she had and could we do it again? THEN, I laughed. She looked uneasy as I said, "No way." "Why not? I thought we hit it off?" Well, whatever gave her that idea, I don't know, but I proceeded to lay it on the line about her remarks, her jokes and her extreme rudeness at making fun of my friend's cultural items when it was very obvious by that time that I didn't share her opinions. Now she tries to get me to believe that she is NOT a racist, that she didn't really mean anything by it and that she had just had some trouble with some neighbors who just happen to be black and was just letting off some steam. I explain to her that A**hole neighbors come in all colors, etc. and she is just dismayed that I don't want to go out with her again, after all, I'm white, I should understand a little, right? WRONG! Sorry, I don't understand at all. People are people and should be taken on a one to one basis, not grouped into a category. Racists come in all colors, too and I don't have to acknowledge any of them, and if you are going to tell me a joke that might offend one of my friends, well then chances are it will offend me as well. The world is not hurting for good humor, it doesn't have to be racist humor.
Sadly, your friend's problems do probably stem from the way he is raised. We must raise our children to be better than our generation. Do you think he would do that with the kids you might have together if it gets that far? No? Then what is the point of any more wasted energy on this guy? Go find yourself a kind spirit and be free to love and live. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 6:04:57 PM |
The fact that you even dated him says a lot about your own self worth. I don't feel sorry for you ONE bit. The fact that you have to come to this forum and ASK if what he said was wrong says a lot about YOU. And that ain't saying much!
well at least she can rationally discuss it like an adult !!
COUGH !!! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 6:22:32 PM | i'll speak from two perspectives. first as a mom with tri-racial children (african, indigenous and european descent) and then as a russian jew who lived and worked with the full range of non jewish people throughout her career and travels. personally, i was raised in an irish catholic neighborhood, but my parents close friends were from just about every race and religon imagineable. i myself am not in any way traditionally religious.
so:
you know racism when you look it in the eye. there is no avoiding it or mistaking it. so the first question is, whether you can or cannot influence it--assuming it comes from ignorance or lack of exposure. secondly, if you "work" with it or are in "unavoidable" close proximity, how are you going to handle it--because there is no escaping. or, maybe you can escape it... move elsewhere? find more acceptable social partners?
i have no idea of the racial /ethnic exposure of where you live. here there are a range of choices--the more cosmopolitan the area, the easier it is to live w/o having to cope on a daily basis.
this man you describe, sounds not only racist, but stupid. so, if you can bring it down to his level so that you can eliminate one more racist in this world, go for it! if not, why are you wasting your precious time? over time, all the races are merging. some are threatened, others are evolving. it's always more difficult for the "whites" or the "blacks" to accept the full range of beauty and color--including both ends of the spectrum. i guess that goes back to tribal survival. but we no longer are a tribal society.
as to race itself. it came from migration and needing to cover up skin as humans moved north and into colder areas. that affected vitamin D absorption--so the skin lightened up, the colder it got! today, with international travel, not to mention destruction of the ozone layers--it's not that simple. so color is the most obvious thing that stupid people or mean spirited people can pick on. i say don't waste your time! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 6:50:22 PM |
you do know the slur "cracker" isn't referring to white people having skin the color of crackers, right? It's referring to the slave drivers who cracked whips on the slaves' backs; "crackers" for short. Ummm....yep.
Sure you did. So in an attempt to say something against racism you use a slur like "cracker"? Gee, that makes sense.
YIKES! I (sometimes unfortunately) live in Cracker-Land, i.e. Georgia. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 8:51:00 PM | ACTUALLY Ms Pisces.....regardless of "origin of word" and semantics, and however YOU choose to interpret MY meaning...."CRACKER" goes back to the Georgia Scots who settled the Southern States..i.e Florida Crackers, Georgia Crackers, etc...(dunno where you got the soda-cracker analogy?) But, THESE days, for most, a "Southern Cracker" is another term for .....a "REDNECK".
A little history lesson...."Cracker": "The term is used as a proud or jocular self-description. Since the huge influx of new residents into Georgia from the northern parts of the United States in the late 20th century, "Georgia cracker" has become used informally by some white residents of Georgia to indicate that their family has lived there for many generations. The term is also occasionally used as a pejorative to refer to whites. See Cracker (pejorative).
The “Cracker Party” was a Democratic Party political machine that dominated city politics in Augusta, Georgia for over half of the 20th century."
AND...more Cracker stuff...The term "cracker" was in use during Elizabethan times to describe braggarts. The original root of this is the Middle English word crack1 meaning "entertaining conversation" (One may be said to "crack" a joke); this term and the alternate spelling "craic" are still in use in Ireland and Scotland. It is documented in Shakespeare's King John (1595): "What cracker is this ... that deafes our ears / With this abundance of superfluous breath?"
By the 1760s, this term was in use by the English in the British North American colonies to refer to Scots-Irish settlers in the south. A letter to the Earl of Dartmouth reads: "I should explain to your Lordship what is meant by Crackers; a name they have got from being great boasters; they are a lawless set of rascalls on the frontiers of Virginia, Maryland, the Carolinas, and Georgia, who often change their places of abode". A similar usage was that of Charles Darwin in The Origin of Species, to refer to "Virginia squatters" (illegal settlers) (p. 35).
Spaniards in Florida called them “Quáqueros,” a corruption of the English word “Quaker,” which the Spanish used to contemptuously refer to any Protestant. [2]
Other possible origins of the term "cracker" are linked to early Florida cattle herders (Florida crackers) that traditionally used whips to herd wild Spanish cattle. These cowboys were distinct from the Spanish vaqueros of Florida. The crack of the herders' whips could be heard for great distances when they were used to round cattle in pens and to keep the cows on a given track. Also, "cracker" has historically been used to refer to those engaged in the low paying job of cracking pecans and other nuts in Georgia and throughout the southeast U.S.
One theory claims that the term dates back to slavery in the antebellum South. The popular folk etymology is based on slaver foremen using bullwhips to discipline African and Afro-American slaves, and the sound the whip being described as 'cracking the whip'. The foremen who cracked these whips were thus known as 'crackers'. [1][2][3]
According to the 1911 edition of the Encyclopædia Britannica, "cracker" is a term of contempt for the "poor" or "mean whites," particularly of Georgia and Florida. Britannica notes that the term dates back to the American Revolution, and is derived from the "cracked corn" which formed their staple food. [3] (Note that in British English "mean" is also a term for poverty, with no malice implied.)
Historically the word suggested poor, white rural Americans with little formal education. Historians point out the term originally referred to the strong Scots-Irish of the backcountry (as opposed to the English of the seacoast). Thus a sociologist reported in 1926: "As the plantations expanded these freed men (formerly bond servants) were pushed further and further back upon the more and more sterile soil. They became 'pinelanders', 'corn-crackers', or 'crackers'." [Kephard Highlanders]
:peace: | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 9:02:14 PM | And instead of saying that's what you meant in the first place, you originally agreed with what I said and said you already knew that? And you're really going to say that in a thread about racism you really meant something totally different and irrelevant from the definition that is with regards to race? Come on now.
eta: I like how you edited that to include the part below after I posted this. ;) | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 9:04:22 PM |
One theory claims that the term dates back to slavery in the antebellum South. The popular folk etymology is based on slaver foremen using bullwhips to discipline African and Afro-American slaves, and the sound the whip being described as 'cracking the whip'. The foremen who cracked these whips were thus known as 'crackers'. [1][2][3]
Ummm.yep.
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/15/2008 9:53:35 PM | You also conveniently forgot to add the second part of the definition you quoted... (from wikipedia nonetheless)
"Cracker" has also been used as a proud or jocular self-description. With the huge influx of new residents from the North, "cracker" is now used informally by some white residents of Florida and Georgia ("Florida cracker" or "Georgia cracker") to indicate that their family has lived there for many generations. However, the term "white cracker" is not always used self-referentially and remains a racist term to many in the region
Anyhoo, I digress... | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/16/2008 11:44:14 AM |
I'm so confused... (I am half black BTW) So how could he use language like that and not have a problem with blacks? He seems mad at me for calling him on it....hunh? Does anyone really believe someone could talk like that and not be a racist ass?
REALITY CHECK!! while your boyfriend was not talking about black people, it isn't the "sand" that bothers you. you get upset about the "N" word.
do you listen to the rap shyt? do you get pissed off when you hear a black guy calling another one the "n" word? the stupidity that it is different between blacks is just that, stupidity.
the word is not a nice one to use, but if you want to claim that it's wrong, or racist, you have to accept that it's wrong and racist regardless of who says it.
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/16/2008 7:35:18 PM | ok...once again to clarify. I broke up with him when the language and violence started. I don't have a self esteem issue...unless you consider too much self esteem an issue LOL (I'm kidding of course).
I didn't think he was talking about black people...but i don't only have a zero tolerance when someone insults me...I wont tolerate it with any racism. I don't have east Indian relatives....I don't need to for my stomach to turn. I knew exactly who he was talking about...not black people. I don't like the N word but that wasn't what set me off.
I don't like it when black people use the N word either. I don't buy the music, and i don't allow my daughter to buy it either. I NEVER use that word (its remarkably easy not to use racist slang....try it.) I do understand when gay people call themselves fags...or black people use that term. In university I had an ethnic relations class as well as a women's studies class and we were taught the difference between others using it and the reasoning that using it takes the sting out. Its the idea that minority groups take back the power and control by embracing the term. How many of the women here embrace being plus sized...even call themselves fat. Or how many Pakistani people have you heard call themselves whatever so called slur or made jokes about their own culture. Its not because they are racist...its because they cant be hurt by that term if they learn to deal with it. That was the theory in both classes anyways. Frankly I don't care...I think its low class to identify people by race. I'm good with names.
and once again...no offense but i wasn't here to ask for advice from strangers on he internet...I was hoping to spark a discussion...on a DISCUSSION board.... | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/16/2008 7:53:37 PM | I was only just discussing this today. I'm white and I dated an indian guy last year for a while. My parents were vocally opposed to it and banned him from the house they were really upset with me dating another from another race. I took the stick and stuck firm to what I wanted and to me I dont care what colour someone is if they treat me well and he did. We got on great and if we didn't I wouldn't of dated him cos of the upset it caused in my home and the grief I got. When I chatted to him bout this he told me he couldn't tell his family about me cos they would actually disown him as would his friends but if we got serious (we hadn't been dating more than a couple of weeks) yes he would tell and risk it.
Well one day we went out and we always held hands and were tactile as a couple. However we were in an area where we both knew people. I decided I didn't care what people thought and I would hold his hand and be natural with him as always. He wouldn't come anywhere near me , walked in front of me. I said whats going on why are you charging ahead of me. He said cos I can't be seen with you its disgusting if I'm seen with a white woman and flauntin you about its a sin and its dirty. I was livid. I dumped him on the spot. Cos I realised that although he says hes not racist hes ingrained with these thoughts and teachings and has no spine over it and would you risk everythin for a white woman your just dating and getting to know? Proably not really lol
I wouldnt date outside my race again. Simply becuase of other peoples views and it can all make life hard particulary when backed up with religion.
Another thing that happened after this is I met a nice guy, just to chat to on here. We got on and he started bashing what he called 'coloureds' (havent heard that in years!) and he was really racist and I said straight out do you mind Ive dated an indian and I find that offensive personally. He said you've been with Paki straight out and I binned him off. Rasicm exists to all the different races and I've always felt the only way forward is intergration but whilst only few of us are intergrating it wont happen!
You need to work out whether you can accept your bfs apparant racist beliefs or not. He seems torn between likin/lovin/lusting after you and his upbringing and if you have children together would this confusion be fair to them? | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 7:12:31 AM | Dump the dude. He's so profoundly indoctrinated by what sounds like a mix of conservative thinking, cultural bias, and family issues that your sensitivities are never, ever going to be given any weight. Some part of his tiny brain instantly will lump you in with some other group in his head that he castigates. Like 'knee jerk liberal' or some such euphemism.
BTW, I had a similar experience once. This guy was from up north and had the foulest mouth and a barrage of bigoted steretypes would fly from him every time I saw him about everyone. Besides his poor word choices, it was the continual negativity simmering underneath it that repelled me. He started it while we were at dinner and he was a 'loud talker' too, so other diners were picking it up and I was getting uncomftorable and embarrassed. I quietly leaned in to him and said,"There are over thirty thousand words in the English language you can choose from to speak your mind. Give it a shot."
It went right over his head, not surprisingly.
Some people just think they're right. They are immune to common sense, friendly advice, and desensitise themselves to the feelings of others. You cannot change them. This guy of yours KNOWINGLY says things that who KNOWS offends you. And you're still with this jackazz?!! Whatever other good points you may argue for, relationships are NOT supposed to make you feel bad while you try to make him feel good. End it and move on. He's just something you needed to run across to better understand what you want and need and from what you've posted, he ain't it. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 7:58:03 AM | My question to you is why are you even spending time in this man's company? He is openly against everything that you stand for, hell he is against half of who you are. Do you think at some point and time that derogatory attitude would not turn towards you? You also ask can you even be friends? I tend to surround myself with people who make me want to be a better person, make me feel better about myself when I am down. Can you say that about him?
Girlfriend it is time to call it what it is and sail on! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:10:45 AM | sweet nurse...we actually are both on POF...so when i go to pof events he is there. Its not a matter of hanging out with him specifically just that we have mutual friends.
I was referring more to is there any way to be friends with someone like that and perhaps expand thier narrow little minds. I dont think my friends are perfect and most of my friends have taught me things that made me a better person and I would hope I have done the same for them. I was wondering if anyone felt this guy has any hope. Frankly, though, I have had the unfortunate experience of seeing him since this comment and now even the way he eats gets on my nerves nowLOL. Its funny how fake someone can be in the beginning so you fall for them...and after you find out stuff like this they are so repulsive to you.
Its interesting to me that his manners, mind set and upbringing have been mentioned so much here. In the beginning he was very capable of talking without racist slurs or opinions constantly flying out. He was polite and loving. So he knows what is appropriate. Its not a matter of he couldn't help it. He made an effort to be PC and very clearly knew what was not right to say. A few months in i met his family and he met my kids...and after that he seemed to think he could do and say anything. That quickly ended it for us. We do still have a mutual group of friends though. | |
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