| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:27:10 AM |
don't like it when black people use the N word either. I don't buy the music, and i don't allow my daughter to buy it either. I NEVER use that word (its remarkably easy not to use racist slang....try it.) I do understand when gay people call themselves fags...or black people use that term. In university I had an ethnic relations class as well as a women's studies class and we were taught the difference between others using it and the reasoning that using it takes the sting out. Its the idea that minority groups take back the power and control by embracing the term. How many of the women here embrace being plus sized...even call themselves fat. Or how many Pakistani people have you heard call themselves whatever so called slur or made jokes about their own culture. Its not because they are racist...its because they cant be hurt by that term if they learn to deal with it. That was the theory in both classes anyways. Frankly I don't care...I think its low class to identify people by race. I'm good with names.
good for you.
however, the bs that you learned in those classes is precisely what keeps the sting of the word stinging. it is hypocrisy of the first magnitude to begin with.
twenty years ago i had a black friend whose name was " george". he insisted on being referred to as such. i did as he preferred, but i also told him that it wasn't a good thing, because it makes a bad word proper to use. the nonsense that a black person using the word is any different than a white person using it does nothing but legitimize teh word. there are many words in the lexicon which are today considered to be alright to say simply because it has been in common usage. that is an irrefutable fallacy. there are words that can never be right, regardless of the fact that everyone in the world uses it.
that said, the "n" word does not necessary have anything to do with race. it's **stardized connotation is for the actions of an individual, which means that there are n's of every race, creed, color or what have you. | |
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vahbsc
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Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 102 | |
| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:53:31 AM | i could care less about the actual word. i just have a problem with people who c*ckblock opportunites for ethnic people. thats racism to me...
if he would have said niggas i really could have cared less. white, black, mixed
who cares about the 'niggas' part. its the nigg-er part that usually stings. but not me
how long can we keep taking the bait.
he should grow up and find another REAL reason to not like people  | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:19:57 AM | As someone who have different types of friends of all races, I kinda understand where you are coming from. My white friends always ask me why do black people do this? My black friends ask why do white people do this? I have to say that everybody have stereotype views of other races. You still could be friends with him but you have to put your foot down and tell me that you don't like his attitude and/or comments. I am put all my friends in check no matter what color they are. I will never forget the moment one of my white friends say they had the right to use ni*****. My reply was " Yes, you have to right to use that word. Therefore, the person that hear you using that word have the right to reaction any way they feel to you using that word." Neverless to say, that shut that argument up right there. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 1:18:17 PM |
I was referring more to is there any way to be friends with someone like that and perhaps expand thier narrow little minds
Thank you for clarifying your relationship with him! You are obviously far too intelligent to be involved with someone who would tear you down emotionally. As far as the question above.....maybe there is hope and I am usually very optimistic, but to be quite honest sweetie people don't usually change their core beliefs once they are set. They can disguise it when necessary, which he sounds good at, but my dad use to say "if you want to see what a man is really made of, watch him in the fire." The fact that you would be willing to be a friend to him and invest time trying to help him says alot about your character. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/17/2008 2:09:16 PM |
i could care less about the actual word. i just have a problem with people who c*ckblock opportunites for ethnic people. thats racism to me...
if he would have said niggas i really could have cared less. white, black, mixed
who cares about the 'niggas' part. its the nigg-er part that usually stings. but not me
how long can we keep taking the bait.
he should grow up and find another REAL reason to not like people
all humans are born equal. rich or poor, none are born any better than the other. it's a sad fact of life, in this country, that some are given more opportunities than others, but EVERYONE has the opportunity to be in a better place as an adult than they were as a child. it is what each individual chooses to do with the opportunities that are provided, meager as they may be, that establishes whether or not that person remains equal. you cannot make anyone other than yourself more or less equal than you are. they have to do that all by themselves, and without blaming society or anyone else if they choose to fail | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:55:28 AM | While it is true that Blacks, Latinos and Asians can go on TV and make fun of white people without recrimination, it is also true that Whites can suspend civil liberties, drop A-bombs on cities and slaughter six million Jews but still be moved to the head of the line for jobs/loans/housing etc.
So lets just call it even then. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:44:06 AM | ^^^Absolutley!!!
Exactly what we discussed in the classes I took....Minorities dont have the significant power nessesary to be racist.
I also dont think its really the same when someone makes fun of white people. I dont do it but i have heard the comments....does anyone believe any one slur sums up all white people? I think in general caucasians are seen as making up several types of people...(for example the difference between rednecks and trailer trash.....both are stupid slurs but they arent universal terms for all whites)
Making fun of white people versus racism against minorities is in fact comparing saying white people arent good dancers versus blacks are inferior beings. Doesnt seem to have the same hate behind it. Obviously some poeple REALLY hate white people I just dont think its the same as the KKK when Chris Rock says something about red necks. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:09:08 AM | | You did your self a big favor, and dumped this guy. Here is a way to tell if a joke, or statement is racist, if you wouldn't say it to a person of that ethnicity then its racist. I'm not saying your a racist, I'm saying your joke or statement is racist. People of all colors say stupid things, but if they make the same mistake over and over again you have to question their thoughts. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:05:54 AM | | Yup...he doesnt say stuff like that infront of east indian people...but he also doesnt say slurs about black people infront of me ....makes me wonder what he says when I am not around. Also I think there is a big difference between saying stupid things...or the crap you grew up with slipping out...and saying stuff that you can control saying. If you have the presence on mind to not speak that way infront of certain ethnicities then you know what your saying is unacceptable....unpopular etc...but its part of your belief system. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:31:16 AM | Personally, I could never date a racist. Or a sexist for that matter.
<div class="quote">So how could he use language like that and not have a problem with blacks?
This may seem odd to you (and it does to me as well) but he may not simply understand the power of certain words. Or he may choose words which seem racist but aren't.
You know when Michael Richards went off on those black guys at the club? (If not google it, but it IS graphic -- fair warning.) I honestly believe he wasn't doing it in a racist manner. He wanted to offend them, and the easiest way to do that? N word. He wasn't saying to be racist, he was saying it because that was the quickest and easiest way to be offensive.
And by the way, I don't support his choice of words at all. They were vile, and shouldn't have been used racist or not.
<div class="quote">He seems mad at me for calling him on it....hunh?
Depends how you called him on it.
1.) Hey, hon, can I talk to you for a minute about some of the language you've been using? I find some of it offensive, and I'd really like it to stop.
Shouldn't be offended and ideally you open up some communication on it.
2.) WTF?! I can't beleive you used that word!!! DROP DEAD!1!1!!
Well, I'd be a bit offended too. 
<div class="quote">Does anyone really believe someone could talk like that and not be a racist ass?
Yes, though it is fairly rare.
<div class="quote">How does he justify being with me?
Um, ask him? I can't read his mind. I bet you can't either. And if you can, please teach me how!
<div class="quote">Can we even be friends?
Up to you. I have no friends who are racists. I DO have some friends who occasionally make off color remarks about race, sex, religion etc. The difference is when they do that, I know there is no bad intent behind it. I'd prefer they didn't mind you, but I'd hardly consider someone sexist when they say, "Men are pigs." Now if they said it all the time and meant it, I wouldn't want to be around them. I hope I'm making the difference clear. :)
Exactly what we discussed in the classes I took....Minorities dont have the significant power nessesary to be racist.
BS. I was told I was a racist because I wouldn't wait on a black woman once. Was that the case? NO. I wouldn't wait on her because we had been closed for half an hour and was already on overtime (boss hates that). She marched up to management and told them I was a racist. If I was black, you think she'd have had the same reaction? I'll never know for certain, but I highly doubt it. That's racism.
And if I ever get the chance, I'm slapping a slander suit against her. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:53:25 AM | I think he should have enough respect for you to refrain from using language that bothers you. I don't think he would go to an interview and make a comment about "sand n----rs", so why do it in another setting where he's already been told it's inappropriate?
I think every person on this site could think of a time when a person from Group X treated them or a family member unfairly, or "got away" with doing one thing or another. Some might even be able to pull statistics to support their assertions that most [fill in the group] are [fill in the stereotype]. But the interactions you're talking about are between you and him as individuals, not as representatives of any racial group.
The fact that his racist comments are the issue makes it a sensitive topic for many people. My take on it is simply this: if someone continues to do things that make you really uncomfortable, even after you've clearly told them it's a problem, they're showing a lack of concern and respect towards you. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:05:08 PM | | it doenst matter where we come from we all bleed the same. Noone deserves to have anything said about them no matter what race they are. I am suprised that ignorance like that is still around Shame really imagine the enviroment to be around in all the time. I would have to say if they say it once it will be said again there is no excuse for racial slurs ever | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:18:16 PM | OP.... since you wish to continue this discussion I want to put my two cents worth in.....
Funny how your profile says single but we live together and are supposed to be getting married at some point! I guess "used to date a guy" either means you are kicking my ass out or finally accepting the fact that you said yes when I asked you to marry me.
Let's see..... I had two East Indian business partners, both of whom are still friends, dating a black girl and have friends from almost every ethnic group. Having worked with and becoming close to my business partners, yes I picked up a couple or racial slurs along the way. Do I look at everyone that way? No.... Using a slur towards a racial group is reserved for those who have done wrong.
I am the last one to point out someone's ethnic origin when describing them. How often do you hear someone say "there was this black guy and...." . When I tell a story the same person would be described as "there was this guy...." . I don't see a need to point out how they are different from me.... it's not their race that would concern me.
If someone is an assh*le..... that is what he is..... he race has nothing to do with it, however after having a few beer, being exhausted and engaging in a debate about something such as abortion where we will never see eye to eye on, ya I might slip out and repeat something I have heard close friends say.
It doesn't make it right, and I do apologize when it happens which is not very often. I am not perfect and am bound to make mistakes from time to time. Does that mean I am a bad person?
Is that why you flirt with guys online, ask them to take you on trips with them and constantly check for trips to Mexico that don't include me coming or am I just reading too much into that as well?
It's been almost a year now that I have been asking you to get off this site and ever time I get the same answer, I am only there for the forums. Funny how one can create two or more profiles on this site to post so that their fiancee doesn't find out but will use the same pictures and tell her friends it is her new profile. You wonder what you should do because someone slipped out once and made a really bad reference to middle eastern people (in reference to those who think it is ok to blow up building killing innocent men, women and children in the name of religion), perhaps you should examine your own faults and ask people about those first before seeking advice on something you tell only your side of the story to. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:39:24 PM | As a Jew with a black grandfather , I think I'm supposed to get offended whenever somebody says something racist or anti-semitic. Most of the time I chalk it up to simple ignorance but that's because a) I don't live in a place where you see a lot of racism and b) they don't usually mean anything by it. It just comes out because it's the dirtiest thing they can think of at the moment.
A true racist is somebody who actually believes the crap they spout. If somebody I don't know says something anti-Semitic a few times in a short duration of time, it's a safe bet that he/she thinks that he/she hates Jews. A true racist doesn't make any exceptions. They don't say "Those ****in' s !' and then when I mention my lineage turn around and say "Oh...well, I don't mean YOU'RE grandfather." In fact, when they think of any black people they actually know they don't truly hate any of them. It's just a convenient slur to use at the time. Of course it's a monumentally ignorant thing to say but I honestly don't believe they truly hate any group of people. They just don't think before opening up their yaps.
All the same, there are those that DO believe in their own racist crap. I don't really know how to describe the difference between these two groups of people so it's better to simply judge on a case by case basis. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:01:57 PM | I thought white chicks was hilarious.
Dude, thirty years ago ALL TELEVISION WAS WHITE ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION. Ther was no television shows directed at black cultur period fifteen years ago.So they now have a station that plays bad rap videos.
Even though not many shows with mostly/all black characters ( "Good times " was one in 1974 ) there are shows that featured black actors. "I Spy" with bill Cosby, Mod squad ect....or featuring leading characters "Shaft"
Not too long ago ALL SCHOLARSHIPS IN AMERICA WERE WHITE SCHOLARSHIPS. In the sixties (Forty short years ago) blacks could not simply go to school or college
There were places where blacks could get education & training in the late 1800. Wayward Seminary was one along with tuskegee institute where George Washington Carver taught. I am sure he did have a degree in agriculture and/or botany
Cheyney State College established in 1837, Cheyney was established, in 1837, by the Quakers in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as an educational entity for the higher educational needs of the black population.
Lincoln University of Pennsylvania is the 2nd oldest Historical Black Colleges and Universities. Founded in 1854
Keep in mind most these collages were black & the other ones would not except them. And of course not very many of them compared to white collages. Its good to know at least they had some where to go during these time periods.
The life of George Carver was indeed very interesting.
As far as the slurs, I never accepted that in any form.
The part I don't understand is how blacks veiw themselves at times.
It came out in a conversation using the N word. One black guy said it was ok for black people to call other blacks the N work. It was supposedly a word of endearment. I disagreed. I thought it was a step backward.
I've worked with a guy that was bi-racial half black & white. The black guys were actually giving him a hard time about it, like he was not black enough for them. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:36:02 AM |
dump his his racist ass... [\quote]
Ok... as I said.... dating a black woman, have many friend of various ethnic groups and am not one to refer to someone by their skin colour or ethnic origin and you still think I am racist???
Anyone who figures she should dump my ass or that I am racists.... think long and hard.... Can you honestly say you have never used a slur, never made a joke about a ethnic background or religious views...... Have you ever laughed at one of those jokes?
I so then by your definitions you are all racists.
Do you honestly believe I would date someone that I couldn't love? So what, it's just neat to date someone who's skin is darker than mine? Please.... I never dated anyone who had a black heritage in the past but did that make me a racist? Stop and think for a second, what is it about a MOS that you find attractive? Do they all have simular charactoristics? Are they all of the same race? Again if so, then you must be racist. | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:48:16 AM | If he's got problems with black folks what's he doing dating someone who's half?
I have friends who are skinheads. Doesn't mean I agree with their beleifs, but I ask that they respect my home, my family, my friends and don't bring their hatered around me. Would I date one of these dudes, no.
But then again, the N-word has become somewhat of a typical slang word used by many, even when not refering to black people. I've been known to call friends s. Not to refer to them as black or any of the other steriotypes that go with it, but for the actual defention of the word...unedgicated (funny that I can't spell that word, but you get what I mean). Anyhow, I'd say drop him for the simple fact that he's not understanding of you and your background and your bounderies. Fact is some people are ignorant. Some people are hatefull. Nothing you can do about it but smile and move on! | |
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Hekate
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Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 120 | |
| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:15:58 PM | Hey...i'm sorry to read that. I think this is very bad behavior especially when you have already set your boundaries clear and he seems to be persisting.
This sounds to me like totally unacceptable behavior. Some guys just get a kick out of humiliating someone (even indirectly)from a different ethnic background...especially if he sees that you are into him and some emotions are invested. The way they justify being with you is...well...too crude to even write about it. Sister, make yourself a favour: run!
It sounds to me like he knows what he is doing...what compels him t do it i dont know...but humiliating someone this way is a form of control. You are dating him now...imagine if more time and energy was invested!
Anyway...i certainly wouldn't be friends with a racist person. Couldn't trust them...not good for my self esteem as i want my friends to have high standards and good principles of tolerance equality and respect...racism and bullying are very low. Prefer to be alone...seriously. My own presence is good company if i have to choose between me and someone with a destructive worldview.
OP...can you imagine yourself in three months time...in six months time...in a year...five years with this person?
On the other hand...can you see...hear...feel yourself three months, six a year five... with someone nice, respectful, nurturing???Take your time to take this in!
He doesn't seem to have ideals you share and if your values are so different the relationship is doomed!
And im sure you deserve to be respected and cherished...believe me! And if you don't...believe your soul! You deserve better! | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:18:54 PM | Forgive me for not reading all of the posts here, but this seems like a fairly "black and white" dating issue here (pardon the pun).
This is all about communication. You date someone for awhile, they exhibit a behavior that you find non-plussing. What do you do?
(1) reward the bad behavior by having sex
(2) punish the bad behavior by mysteriously witholding sex
(3) ignore the bad behavior hoping it will go away
(4) verbally insult the person exhibiting bad behavior
(5) calmly, maturely, rationally have a conversation and explain that the behavior is non-plussing and ultimately is a relationship dealbreaker if it continues
If your partner does something you find reprehensible and you don't discuss the situation, you don't really have any excuses to complain about it later.
I don't care what the issue is. Here it regards someone making ignorant comments of a racial nature. If you find that totally unacceptable, state that, then break up with your partner if the behavior does not improve to a satisfactory level. It's that simple. | |
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Hekate
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Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 122 | |
| small addition
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:27:13 PM | Whoops sorry OP. I didn't read the 'I used to date' bit...great u free from him... | |
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| small addition
Posted: 3/3/2008 3:12:44 PM | The thing I find SOOOOO halarious about this post.. The Op said he used the term " SAND Niggeer" That term is not used for African Americans.. It's used for people from the Middle east.. IE: Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Jordan.. Hince the word SAND you know that stuff you find in the desert LOL.. Its cool though I never knew that term either till Mr. Bush sent me to Iraq for a year.. LOL  | |
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| racists slurs
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:14:03 AM | I can't stand it when anyone uses derogatory slang terms about any nationality, ethnicity or race. This is one thing that will make me immediately stop communicating with a guy online. A few days ago, I received an email from a man who made a comment about "that n- - - -r who shot those people" in our city. I was so appalled at the use of that word I blocked him on the spot. And he wonders why he's still single.  | |
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| a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:31:47 AM | a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do?
As long as your slur-free, then you got a problem.
Racial slurs are are based on beliefs which form attitudes. Attitudes can be changed with education and realization. But it's not easy.
Take him on as a project, send him to racial awareness classes....or move on. I'd move on. | |
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