| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:15:09 AM | | because single fathers don't have time for us. lol. really.. if you can make time for me then i'm all for dating you. and I'm not talking you me and little johnny. I'm talking you and me out on the town. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:51:19 AM | I totally understand where you are coming from, but with one difference.
My age does have the issue, I am 50 and I have a 10 year old boy. No most men in my age range have either had thier kids, and they are older, and don't want to have kids, which I think is fine, the one I have is enough, but most guys it seems would rather not help raise a young one again, and that get frustrating when it comes to looking for a relationship. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:28:39 AM | "but most guys it seems would rather not help raise a young one again, and that get frustrating when it comes to looking for a relationship."
This is the big problem I see with lots of the posters. Dating or being in a relationship, does not mean helping to raise some ones kids. I don't want help with my kids and it is a real turn off, relationship ending turn off when a women I am dating wants or expects help raising thier kid(s). It's not a dating relationship some people are looking for; the number one thing some posters are looking for is a meal ticket. For both men and women that are single parents, be self sufficent with regards to taking care of the kids. When you can do that your kids are not a big issue for lots of the fish out there. Kids still make it harder, but lots of other things impact dating too, but people are not looking for help with there jobs, hobbies or other interests most of the time, just kids. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 12:29:00 PM | My true belief is that this is a two way street. I am a single mom. But most men view this as being baggage. I honestly would love to date someone who already has children. I just have a reserved nature about single dads because quite a few that I have dated claim to be the greatest dad in the world and then you get to know them and find out that not only are they not a good dad but they havent even seen their kids in who knows how long.
If someone knows a well-rounded single dad in the Atlanta area who wants a single mom with the same values by all means pass them my way. But if you havent seen your kids in over a month dont bother. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:13:30 PM | the number one thing some posters are looking for is a meal ticket But doesn't that come down to one's definition of "raising"? By saying they're looking for a meal ticket, you seem to be equating "raising" with "financially supporting". And for most people, one is not synonymous with the other.
I did not interpret the poster you quoted as looking for financial support in her comment about "raising" her son. It sounded like she was talking much more about a partner being willing to participate in family life where there is a 10yr old.
There may be another thing to take into consideration as well. You have made it pretty clear that you are here for dating. But most women on here (especially in the 30-60yr age range) are here with an ultimate goal of long-term relationship/partner or are even ultimately hoping to re/marry. The logical extension of that is that they will live with this person. Now, if a parent is living with their child/ren and partner, it is not going to be a great dynamic if the partner sits back and leaves the parent to it in all aspects of raising that child. How could that possibly work?
I can totally understand that there would be many 50+yr old guys out there who would not want the dynamic of a 10yr old child in their relationship, if it were to be a long-term serious relationship. There are plenty of 40yr old guys who definitely don't want to go back to the land of 1 & 3 yr olds and that is perfectly understandable.
Also you have imposed on the poster an expectation that *she* has that a partner will help raise her kids. What she actually said was that she often encounters men who at that age do not want to help raise a young one; ie it is the man who is acknowledging that the 10yr old is part of the deal if the relationship is to be long-term/serious and has decided that's not for him.
For a person looking for a long-term committed relationship, it is completely unrealistic that the relationship can be entirely separate from the children. And the younger the children, the more unrealistic it is. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:24:02 PM | | Help raising and being around kids or participating in group or family outings are also two different things. The "help" part is the meal ticket part and it is not all ways financial support, there are male posters looking for help raising too (not $), but it is like wise a meal ticket. I like group outings with the single moms I have dated meeting up at the beach is lots of fun for single parents and a good way to get out, but that is a far cry from "help raising". Now there are poster looking for the $$$$$ help too! Help is help and it not part of dating for lots of us. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:40:48 PM | ^^^Fair enough. You have to be in the relationship that suits you. You have always been upfront that the long-term/serious thing is not what you're about and I seem to recall you're very anti the idea of ever living with someone again. I am still unclear how "meal ticket" doesn't mean financial support. That's what people normally mean when they use the term. What are the non-financial things that make someone a meal ticket? Are you talking about the 'labour' involved in raising kids? Or acting as a role model?
I agree with you with totally that being around kids, or participating in outings are not the same as helping to raise kids. But I was talking about a lot more than that. I was talking about a long-term committed relationship. I don't see how you can go to that level and not be actively involved in the raising of the child/ren of that partner. And I *am* talking about non-financial things. Not that I'm trying to claim that the finances of a blended household might be somewhat blended, just that there is so much more than that involved with raising a child, as you know.
I know it's not part of "dating". But the poster you quoted isn't looking to date as the "end goal" and I think it's pretty clear that that's true of most women on here and a great number of the men as well if you read their profiles and what they say in the forums. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:45:15 PM |
But doesn't that come down to one's definition of "raising"? By saying they're looking for a meal ticket, you seem to be equating "raising" with "financially supporting". And for most people, one is not synonymous with the other.
LOL......not picking on you...Meplus2...but ask for a show of hands...
But then men and woman also have a different perspective about work as well? | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:00:06 PM | ^^^Seriously? That's all "raising" a child means now days? Cash? As a custodial parent, surely you don't believe that's all there is to it?
As a side note, I'd like to ask you something. You are an intelligent man. You are capable of respectful, intelligent and informed discussion. You and I have "gone to battle" many a time. No problem there. But is it really necessary to have a dig at me about your disapproval/disagreement of my choices every single time you respond to me? Seriously. It's quite disheartening to never once just have an interaction free of the need to try and point score/provoke/belittle me.
If whatt you wanted was to provoke a response. You win. Here it is. I would *love* to have a discussion with you and others on here about the value of the work a SAHM does, or the role of welfare in raising children, or the *true* cost to the taxpayer of raising children of employed and those not employed, or what the best economic model might be in that regard, or the complex issue of determining the best interests of children in terms of care (and no, that does not equate to a belief that all pre-school aged children must be cared for in the home), the integration of best economic model and best interests of children into the best outcomes for children, families and communities and a multitude of other topics. I would love to have some open discussion on any of those topics.
Contrary to what is endlessly insinuated here as well as openly stated, most single mothers who care for their own kids and take welfare, do so because, just like parents in paid employment, they love their children and believe they are acting in their best interests. And guess what? They also so think about their communities and their societies and what the best outcome is in that regard also. Just once, instead of someone scoffing at that, throwing in a few more personal insults and informing me how much better they are at me at parenting and how worthless I am, it would be amazing for someone to say "Explain your decision. Why did you make it?"
I don't know about you, but I am bored to tears with the endless cycle of "trash the welfare mum" on this site, with no one having the courage or openess to really have an actual discussion and not yet another belittling, lynch mob, condescending round of posts. Are you game? I'm living in hope that it's actually possible. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:22:11 PM | | When most men see "Help Raise My kid" the first thing that comes to mind is that they are not asking you to toss the ball around some with the kids, but is $. The first thing that would come to lots of womens mind when they see "Help Raise My Kid" might not be $, but they are likely thinking this guy wants a maid. My point is single parents should not want or need money or a maid in the person they want to date or even the person they may want to start a long term thing with. If the poster that asked for "Help" just hit the lotto may be it is help tossing the ball around she is looking for, but most of us have not just hit the lotto. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 5:11:08 PM | | I've dated guys w/ kids and I'm a single mom. It's whether or not your lives/children/relationship can all mesh and make everyone happy in the process. That's the hard part. I don't rule someone out based on their circumstances alone. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 5:50:07 PM | I have kids and never had a problem dating. Single fathers are wonderful people.
BUT
I dated a guy who was pretty great, essentially. But, he felt really bad about being "gone" for so long that every single bit of his free time was spent with his kids. NOW, don't get me wrong....I was very, very OK with that. But he also felt so guilty that his children's manners didn't matter, please and thank you was not exercised, they could speak rudely and it was never discussed, and they were only 3 and 5. I typically find those ages adorable. I've been a single mom for years and years. I would never, ever find it acceptable for my children not to say thank you or please, to anyone, let alone my significant other. I felt very "dissed" most of the time. I can tell you that I will approach my next relationship, when there are kids involved, very carefully.
I hope someone can show me a different kind of parenting skills as a man, lol.... because even though my ex was pretty cool in lots of areas, his parenting skills are lacking....and he doesn't even know it. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:16:04 PM | | I personally think it would be awesome to date someone who has children, then they know where your comming from. being a single parent is so hard, no matter how many children you have | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:12:02 PM | i have to say that being a single father myself its not easy. i give you credit for stepping up and being a man, and raising your children. i have long time friends that i no longer speak to due to them walking away from their child/children. As i was once told any A$$ can make one but it takes a "MAN" to raise one, and no thats not a knock on women. I myself just ended a long term relationship, their are good women out there just few and far between. Maybe i just need to move to a different area..lmao. good luck
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:13:23 PM |
^^^Seriously? That's all "raising" a child means now days? Cash? As a custodial parent, surely you don't believe that's all there is to it?
Sorry it took time to get back to you......taxi service and other obligations have gotten in the way of our fun.
Raising my children has been a privilege and an opportunity. What i was suggesting was entering into a relationship with a custodial parent opens the door to potential realities that assisting in raising someones else's children results in finacial implications.
As a custodial parent where i have never been shy about suggesting i can do it without the golden ring....I will also admit that taking on a new relationship where i am the principle bread winner is stupid...or perhaps simply questionable.
I have dated woman who earned very good money and they were carefull about dating or getting involved with someone who had enhanced finacial responsibilities that were at the time long term. I must admit i did not have any problems with that assessment as it was prudent and practical on their part to understand and realize those realities.
Other single mothers would never reach inside their pockets to pay or assist in the paying of dates...as the reality was they were unable to finacially contribute to simple dating...so entering into a long term relationship meant who was potentially going to carry the brunt of the finacial requirements which could easily result in less opportunities for my own 2 children.
You and I have "gone to battle" many a time. No problem there
It has been fun and in fact I have realized over a few repartee's you are an intelligent woman and not unlike some woman who feel entitled. Based on what I first read and your profile I thought you were, based on comments about acting and singing and going to university for a number a years...one of those "traded in trophy wives"
But you are far from that...
Seriously. It's quite disheartening to never once just have an interaction free of the need to try and point score/provoke/belittle me.
I was sure I had posted once that you had a great post...and if I did not then I owe you an apology...as some of your posts while I may not agree with compleletly....they are good.
As to my comment about men's perspective versus woman....I was thinking more along the lines about the American Census showing the percentage of custodial men who work full time compared the percentage of custodial mothers who work full time.
Perhaps it is just another recognition that men and woman rationalize differently?
I was a complete supporter of financial assistance for parents to care for their own children in the home for the 15yrs I was a fulltime working taxpayer, with no children and long before I contemplated having children of my own. Becoming a parent, and then a single parent, in addition to the extensive body of evidence that would indicate it to be a very sound economic model as well as serving the best interests of families, children and communities in countless non-financial ways, has only served to fortify that belief. When I’m back at work I will happily hand over my tax dollars to parents who need financial assistance in order to care for their pre-school aged children in the home.
And here is where we will perhaps never agree on. But i must ask a very simple question.
Who decides who is the one who gets to stay at home...if both parents are saying they want to be the one?
I am sure you would never suggest the woman is more entitled? Or would you?
And as to studies...i have seen studies that suggest children that started in daycare...were better prepared for school when it did start. But both of my daughters went and both are high achievers......and they continue today with little push on my part.
As to the cycle of poverty....I have perhaps seen it on more than a few occasions...when both children were born the reduction in income resulted in me holding down extra jobs to make up the money. I used to sell those baby pictures and you could always count on the welfare mothers to come up with enough to buy the cheaper packages......even when you saw their own welfare mother...sitting back or being part of the picture.
Me+2 it is great that your ex earns such a good income that he can afford to carry the decision of having you stay at home and go to school part time and raise your children.
But the average wage earner does not have that option. It is often hard enough for couples to get ahead and build equity on two incomes....but you advocate allowing one parent...and you need to define who that parent should be...the option of not working and having the state....or the other parent subsidize their choices in life...or subsidizes their lack of options in life.
Contrary to what is endlessly insinuated here as well as openly stated, most single mothers who care for their own kids and take welfare, do so because, just like parents in paid employment, they love their children and believe they are acting in their best interests.
I have no problem with the premise of welfare as a tool for short term assistance for getting people back on their feet when they fall off the treadmill. But when you have long term welfare recipients you have users who I suggest would not or were not prepared to put the effort into succeeding or existing on their own effort and hard work.
I suggest one looks at the welfare parent...look at what they have done in respect to occupation and education....and for the most part....you will not find a person who has succeeded very often...and has perhaps always looked for the easy way..or for someone else to foot their bill.
And Me+2....prior to settling down...I did walk on both sides of the street and only with a bit of luck never got caught on the wrong side...but i always earned my own way and never expected or allowed someone else to pay for my keep. And one of the lessons i try to impart on my children is the importance of having choices based on their preparation in life....their choices are made on what they do today.not on someone else's effort or work.
But having had what you refer to as "real job"s, fulltime for over 15yrs and now being a stay at home single parent to 2 pre-school aged children I absolutely will compare it to paid fulltime employment. Both are WORK. Demanding, physical (in the case of parenting and for some their paid work), emotionally draining, a relentless committment of time and intellectually challenging (if you are the type of parent who is truly invested and interested in your child's development at the time when the most critical development takes place). And if you have 2+ children it just ups the ante on all of that
Sorry but not even close....the ones who I hold greatest admiration for is the single mother who works full time to be self sufficient and then goes home to parent her child or children. i was lucky in that the youngest was just started in gr 2.....
And they both needed time with homework....making sure the clothes were ready for school....lunches were ready....because i know a few teachers expected i would not be able to do everything...and pay for before and after school...
And still insure they were involved with the extra curricular activities that they desired and wanted to be involved with.
So I suggest SAHP...do not have it anywhere near the same a a single custodial parent...or two working parents who eanr their own way in life...and still do things for their children.
And despite being a single parent....I would suggest it has been a wonderful 6+yrs...something i would never have wanted to miss or trade in....and might even suggest it has been easier as I have not had to work at my marriage at the same time as i was raising my children. But the daycare is simply a tool or a holding pattern until you do not have to pay it...and you then are able to utilize all of your income......for paying for braces...tutoring....sports camp....university....LOL
And there was even once when i almost took on the role of boy toy.....but when
"Boots Parker" started laying down her rules about what i could do...and what i could not do.....the price was far to steep. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/23/2009 8:44:09 PM | | us single mums don't have it easy either .........would be great to date a single dad ...why? because at least he would understand that, you can't just drop everything at a moments notice , also he certainly wouldn't mind spending time with you and your childern . | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:59:22 PM | The joy of having your first child with someone is very short lived, just like the joy of the $50k wedding.
Who doesn't want the fairytale ideal of a perfect relationship/family - right first time but it is increasingly a rare.
As other have said, maybe a single dad has the skills and experience to increase the chances your relationship is fairy-tale one and that for "your" kids too.
People who worry about "baby-momma" drama and use that as broad screening to rule out men with kids from a past relationship , are being selectively paranoid about something that may never exist.
If you are going to be paranoid about things to do with relationships, there are plenty more things to be paranoid about - so go ahead and worry about them too whilst you are it, a lot of them will be far more likely to happen than "baby-momma" drama.
"Many of my girlfriends feel they cannot love someone else's child" They wouldn't know until they tried. Ironic that they are seeking the "love" of a man (who isn't their child) and can't comprehend that "love" takes many shapes and forms and parents can "love" even their own children in different ways as well as those of their partners past relationships.
There is no automatic requirement to "love" and no automatic requirement to parent - each situation is different. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/24/2009 8:14:12 PM | | I think I would actually prefer a single father (as a single mother). As a Mom, I know what kind of responsibility, devotion, and compassion it takes to be a parent. Right???? Just makes more sense to me. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/24/2009 10:39:32 PM | | It's not that single mom's won't date single dads i think alot of it has to do with trust. Most single mom's wither jump into relationships to quickly or are very careful about who they date. I know several single dads who only get their kids for the summer or every other weekend and dont understand why i can't go out at the drop of a hat. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/25/2009 10:48:38 PM |
I have kids and never had a problem dating. Single fathers are wonderful people.
BUT
I dated a guy who was pretty great, essentially. But, he felt really bad about being "gone" for so long that every single bit of his free time was spent with his kids. NOW, don't get me wrong....I was very, very OK with that. But he also felt so guilty that his children's manners didn't matter, please and thank you was not exercised, they could speak rudely and it was never discussed, and they were only 3 and 5. I typically find those ages adorable. I've been a single mom for years and years. I would never, ever find it acceptable for my children not to say thank you or please, to anyone, let alone my significant other. I felt very "dissed" most of the time. I can tell you that I will approach my next relationship, when there are kids involved, very carefully.
I hope someone can show me a different kind of parenting skills as a man, lol.... because even though my ex was pretty cool in lots of areas, his parenting skills are lacking....and he doesn't even know it.
My son, 7, and daughter, 4, say please, thank you, sir and ma'am to every adult with whom they make contact and I never cease being proud, not just of them but of myself too, for seeing to it that they are being raised in that way. And I only get to see them every other weekend... Thanks for reminding me that I am doing right by them and for them, and for reminding me that there are women to whom I can relate who are paying attention. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/26/2009 3:41:09 AM | | absobloodylutely , i'm a single mum to just find it so hard to find someone when working shifts, being a nurse and a sinngle mum is hard. i'd like nothing more than to be happy in a relationship but the men are either seperated and just looking for a bit of fun and want to jump into your knickers i soetimes find its either there way or no way. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:56:15 AM | I don't think that's true. we all have to know by now, the kid conservation should be brought up in the first five minutes of the date or chat. but what i will say is if you plan to get serious then it needs to be a family thing and every kid needs to be treated the same. none of this "your kid, my kid" stuff. have rules for discipline at the start and there shouldn't be problems. my kids are number one to me, and a person who asks me to put them second will be in last place. and i would expect a man to put his children first too. family is the basis for a strong relationship. but make sure that the partner you pick is worthy of meeting your kids. make sure you have known them awhile and know how you feel and you should know how they feel. you don't want a revolving door of women that your kids see and they shouldn't have to.
you sometimes have to wait for the right one, and sometimes it takes awhile. but in the end it's worth it. | |
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| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 4/26/2009 2:17:44 PM | Not all single mums think that. I'm single mum and I'd like to thinkif a guy had kids it would be ok but honestly I don't think could have relationship with single dad.
I know they understand pressures being single parent but so hard to see each other. Couldn't see future in it as don't want to end up with ven more kids, especially someone else.
I feel so bad for saying it as it's a lousy attitude to have but not sure want bloke with kids (but expect bloke to want me with my kid) | |
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