| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/22/2009 5:34:07 PM | I've always wondered that! I see it all the time on mom sites, women who want men who have never been married with no children, while they have a kid or two and have never been married or divorced.
It's a strange double standard as far as I'm concerned. | |
|
Niccij
|
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 202 | |
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/22/2009 6:07:32 PM | | It is double standards you are right - If I was to expect someone to accept that I had a family then it works both ways. I also think at the age that I am and through experience that to date a man who has no children it can be difficult - unless you are a parent already its hard to understand how much time is taken up with family and also that children do come first (they have to as they are your most treasured ! ) so for a woman with children to shy away from dating a man who also has children its a little shallow too - but everyone is different. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/25/2009 12:04:35 AM | honestly i know noone probably wants to hear from the 21 year old single mother but in my opinion.... i do i agree that someone else with kids is great because they do understand that children come first... and to the people that have kids and are trying to date other single parents and get upset that they are not number one well honestly you shouldnt have children if you think that way because you would think out of all people that other single parents would understand the importance of putting there kids first. So i do hope you all find someone that you are looking for and honestly im damn happy being single right now because the only man in my life is my son hence why im on this site only looking for friends.  have a good night everyone | |
|
| |
| |
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:18:26 PM | i listen to all the single parent females who say that they would rather date a man with children. while some of the reasons and rationales are valid, can i also caution against the many ways in which this idyllic scenerio can turn out to be less than ideal?
1. blended family dynamcis are often tough; for example, he may have the children who are perfectly behaved, while you have the child that is less than perfectly behaved. not only is this situation tense for all, but it is setremely difficult for the less than well behaved child. ditto a scenerio where his children have very little family, while your child is surrounded by a large family of love and support. lots of jealousies. lots of "jockeying" for position.
2. a failed relationship with 2 sets of children involves more broken hearts than a failed relationship with one set. basic math.
3. if you are not well aligned in values and parenting styles, it will NEVER work, and there will probably be plenty of nasty arguments in the process of trying to make it work. meanwhile, it is our responsiblity as parents to model the types of relationships that we wish our children to pursue later on in life. extensive fighting should not be part of this equation...
4. if things end badly and your have kids around the same age, it is likely that you will inevitably run into each other again, especially in a small town.
5. the early courtship days, especially if you are dating responsbily as a single parent, invlove 2 people who have to work around kids' schedules, illnesses, and coordinate babysitters (plus, pay for them), as opposed to only one.
6. children that start out as friends often end up as enemies. choosing a mature partner may help avoid this scenerio, but bear in mind that love is blind!
my last real relationship was a 2 year stint with a single father with full custody of two young daughters. it was extremely difficult. i am now dating one man with no children, and another man with 2 children (discreetly, of course) . my advice to single parents is this: there are plenty of partners out there who are secure enough in themselves and have enough outside interests to respect the fact that you have children and make your children your number one priority. think about it...non-single parent partners have more attention to lavish on JUST your child, as opposed to risking pissing off their own children by showing your child some love (and, yes, the mature men and women among us would render a life lesson out of this type of jealousy) trust me that single parents dating other single parents is not nearly as romantic as it sounds! but i am not discounting the fact that i chose the WRONG single parent for me. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:32:35 PM | It is a doublt standard... but who cares?
Most of my single mother friends don't want a single father.
Know what? That's their perogative.
It sucks for single mothers... but hey... any baggage makes dating suck for anyone.
A person's preferences are their preferences. It's not going to change if it's unfair. Like the overweight people who won't date other overweight people.
However, there are consequences for some preferences.
A single mother who won't date a single father may end up lonely and single indefinitely, just like the overweight people who won't date other overweight people. If not, and they find a man, great! If they can't, oh well.
The point I am trying to make is, getting all upset about other people's preferences is not productive. It just creates negativity.
-8sf8 | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/27/2009 1:26:43 AM | I find that women with children - on average, and in my area - prefer to date a man without children, as one specifically told me, "because that way his focus is on MY kids, not shared with other kids." Others seem to think that because their baby daddy is a deadbeat poor father, then so will most men be, and they'll have to mother the single dad's kids as well.
Screwed up, I know. But in my area at least, absolutely true. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/27/2009 3:37:00 PM | i don't know. but they are not the woman for you.
it's hard to open your world to a whole new family when the one you have is overwhelming as it is. just move on and you will find a woman that will.
(some men are very much the same) | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:12:19 PM | trust me that single parents dating other single parents is not nearly as romantic as it sounds! but i am not discounting the fact that i chose the WRONG single parent for me.
Nobody said that single parents dating each other was romantic! What is implied is that single moms dating single dads is usually a baggage trade. "You deal with my baggage and I'll deal with your baggage". You put up with my kids, I'll put up with your kids. Fair enough. Is a single childless man dating a single mom suppose to be more romatic, than a single mom dating a single dad. I'm sure that single moms want what's easier for them and their situation, then actually dealing with the issues at hand.
With all the list of obstacles and problems you mentioned above as pertaining to single parents dating each other, the problems consist of the kids. So if you have kids that means that you are part of the problem. So if you are part of the problem.....how is a childless man dating you going to elimate the problems? The problems will not simply go away just because the other person doesn't have kids. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:26:03 PM | Chrissyfit, your post was completely legitimate and held many truths. Any counselor specializing in blended families will tell you straight away that the more people you add to a relationship, the more difficult it can potentially become. I'm not stating that blended families cannot work, just that parents need to walk into them with their eyes open, and discuss many potential scenarios.
Hannity, although I saw the points you raised as well, I would rather stay single than enter into any relationship with the foremost thought being, "You deal with my baggage and I'll deal with your baggage." And the reason I state such, isn't because the statement was so completely politically incorrect (purposefully of course) but because there is so much more involved. It's a series of individual (to the family) and complex issues.
As a single parent, having dated men with children and men without, it is far easier to date men without children. One might say "What gives you the right to decide to date men without children?" As far as I recall, there are no "dating police" that determine whom I can and cannot prefer to date, just as "I" would not have the right to think ill of someone that preferred not to date me, because I am a parent. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:35:34 PM | | I would LOVE a nice single dad. I am a little freaked out about dating someone who doesnt have kids. I think I could possibly be the neurotic mom who is afraid that any potential boyfriend could also be a potential child molester if he doesnt have kids of his own. lol. I am finding that it is almost a must that anyone I meet on here has kids so I can have a little more peace of mind. Good luck finding miss right. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:07:09 PM |
As a single parent, having dated men with children and men without, it is far easier to date men without children.
Oh, I'm sure that you do find it easier, so would all the other single moms. But I'm sure that they have come to the realization that, while this theory may be idealistic it is not quite realistic. There are just somes things you have to deal with as a single parent, why should you be any different than the rest of them?
Any by the way aren't you shrinkying your dating pool, and throwing away some really great guys who might be you soulmate, just because they have a child? (Sounds fimilar?) Besides most men your age are going to have kids. Then you are only left with the small group of guys who don't have kids. Then of that small group of guys, you are only left with the ones who will date single moms. Then out of that small group of guys, how many will you be attracted to? The pool keeps getting smaller and smaller. And all because you don't want to date single dads.
Anyway, good luck on find the Beta male that going to accept your demands with open arms. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/29/2009 2:50:00 AM |
Most single moms that I know are looking for a guy without kids. Single moms have enough to deal with raising thier own kids they dont want to raise another woman's kids too. They are looking to date a man who will make thier lives easier not more difficult.
I agree with you, but it's a catch 22. The single guys without kids that the single mother want to date, don't want to date them...
Because dating a single mother would make that man's life more difficult!
It's only funny because it's so effed up and true.
God I'm glad I don't have children. Nasty, expensive, dirty, life destroying little things. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/29/2009 5:32:11 AM | Hannity, I'm not stating that I would refuse to date another parent, I was simply stating that it's easier to date men without children.
I'm sure that if I was bent on only dating childless men (at my age), than I most certainly would be "shrinking my dating pool". (BTW, when you stated "sound familar"? I don't believe I've ever stated to anyone that they may be throwing away some really great women who might be your soulmate, just because they have a child. I know I didn't state that, because A) I don't believe in soulmates and B) I have absolutely nothing against anyone with a preference. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/29/2009 9:41:59 PM |
Most single moms that I know are looking for a guy without kids. Single moms have enough to deal with raising thier own kids they dont want to raise another woman's kids too. They are looking to date a man who will make thier lives easier not more difficult.
Looking for a guy without kids!? I guess that is why most single moms you know are still looking. Wow! How hopelessly selfish can you get? This entitlement mentality coming from single moms is shocking! You may want it easier but what makes you think you should have it easier? Pushing out some other guys kids does not put you on the top of the list for snagging the most eligible bachelors (successful childless men). It is soo selfish to think that a man should deal with your time constraints, conflicting schedule, and your kids.....but you can't deal with his? No man with any kind of self-worth would put up with such nonsense. I hope you enjoy being single | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/29/2009 9:51:02 PM | | I have never really had a preference one way or the other because I feel having such a preference limits options and opportunities for happiness. I'm dating a man with two children, 15 and 17 and I have two 4 and 15. So far, aside from the obvious lack of overnights (sigh), things are going extremely well. I would be with him whether he had children or not because of who he is. His children are an extension of him and a part of him, as are mine. I know there are potential risks in trying to blend and inherent risks in dating someone with children but I also know I am incredibly happy to have him in my life and he tells me being with me brings a lot of happiness to his life also. Those potential risks may not even become a factor and if I had refused to get involved because he had children I would be missing out on the happiness I have today. That would not be a good trade-off, it is that simple for this woman. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/29/2009 10:04:59 PM | Hey!!!!!!! they aren't baggage. Baggage gets tossed in the closet when not needed. My kids are an important part of my life and with the right person will be important to them too. If not then it probably won't work. Everyone seems to be looking at the negative side of being a single parent and dating. If you keep dwelling on the possible problems it's just going to be you and the kids.
itsallinthesoul has the right idea, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it one day at a time and hope for the best, we all deserve it right?? Right!!! | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 8/30/2009 6:21:16 AM | | You have to step back and look at the bigger picture. If you had a choice between someone with or without kids, which would you choose? It is real easy in the 20's but pushing into the 30's you have to start asking why! | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:38:20 PM | | I prefer men without children simply because I find they have more time and are available to go out and do things. I can't stand it when they use their child as an excuse not to go out. Give me a days notice and I can usually get out of the house, barring any prior commitment of course. But I don't discount a man based on his child status. Of course if he (any man)referred to my child or his own as baggage I'd tell him to move on. I can't stand that term. If I had my choice? I'd pick one without children. But as it stands I will pick the man who treats me best, regardless of his child status. I've never had to run home for a child emergency in the middle of a date. I did have a sitter not show up once, but I managed to find another at the last minute. So many single fathers will not go out until their child is in bed and sleeping, which wouldn't be so bad if bed time was 8..but many time bedtime is 9, 10 or later. How late do they expect to go out? | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:00:45 PM | I know I would rather date a man with kids. And it has nothing to do with baggage or easiness or anything like that, but, I don't want to HAVE anymore kids, and if I met a guy (especially one close to my age) who didn't have kids, I would always worry that he gave up something he really wanted and would change his mind.
But, it is also nice, because, a childless guy is not going to think meeting for a picnic at the play ground seems like that much fun. But, if I can say "Hey, BF, why don't you and your son meet us at the park" then we can see each other, and everyone is having fun. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/8/2009 1:35:13 PM | | I would love to meet a single Dad. However, I usually find that either 1) that their kids are such a total nightmare that I truly do not want them around my daughter OR me, 2) They are looking for booty call when their kids are with their Mom no matter where mine may be, or 3) they say things like "well, I do not let anyone meet my kids until we have known each other for a really long time"... well then, between my hectic single-parent schedule and yours, my ex canceling visitation and yours doing the same, how the heck will we ever get in the same room for enough times to actually GET to that point?? | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:54:59 PM |
I prefer men without children simply because I find they have more time and are available to go out and do things. I can't stand it when they use their child as an excuse not to go out.
Well good luck with that preference, because I can pretty much tell you straight forward that men without children are not out posting that they would rather date single moms. So looks like your men without children pool to pick from is slim to none. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/8/2009 4:41:13 PM | | I am kind of new to all the internet dating stuff but it seems to me that if someone really likes you they will accept you and your children. You are a package just as myself and my kids are a package. Can't be separated. So that being said, keep your head up and when the right person comes along you will know it because they are interested in every part of you. | |
|
| How come single mothers don't want single fathers
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:10:03 PM | | hannity: I don't have much of an issue, my issue is finding someone I like enough and who treats me well enough for me to want to stay with. Thank you for sending me luck though. Men online are way different then when you meet them in person. I don't put much stock in what men say on here or women for that matter. :~p I am happy with myself and my choices and decision. Those who don't like them, well that's their issue. :~) | |
|
Home
login 
