| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:30:29 AM | WHO CAN ANSWER THESE FIVE QUESTIONS?
1-Is a relationship a failure if it doesn't lead to sex and/or romance with that person?
2-What if you really enjoy the wench's company or conversation and they're just a helluva lot of fun to have around?
3-What if they introduce you to others you become sexual and/or romantic with and you do the same for them?
4-What if you are both good at advising each other on matters of the opposite sex?
5-What if you have sex with them occasionally, or not at all, cheer the other's successful relationships and are sad for them when things don't work out for them?
Too many people become trapped by their own limited expectations and fail to see beauty outside their their little box that becomes their own little prison. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 9:45:58 AM | Pleasure Pirate:
1. Define relationship. If it has already got to that word and there is no sex or romance, then it is friends or acquaintances. Then I don't consider it a failure. And it shouldn't be considered a failure even if it didn't end up as friends or otherwise.
2. Then be friends if you are not into pursuing romance or a possible g/f-b/f thing. Apparently it might grow into something later. But, first get a handle on the feelings being generated. Is it just you? Or, is there a connection between you that is irresistable?
3. Then she is not into you as any kind of b/f material. Likewise for you. I mean, c'mon, if I was into a guy and he set me up to get screwed by some other friend of his, I would say adios, man.
4. Then you are good friends. Us girls have our "sistas" who we confide in and talk over guys and sex with. I have a couple of guy friends who I have chats with and will ask him for info about how a guy thinks. Nothing else goes on. I am a firm disbeliever in FWB.
5. Then you are FWB and it sounds like a creepy situation you are in with this girl.
I'd suggest looking at discussing yours and her feelings in this scenario. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:50:03 AM | HOLD ON - HANG ON - WAIT A MINUTE..
Is this FRIENDS FIRST or:-
Friends/F*ck buddies first?
Just trying to clear the muddy waters?   | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:01:03 AM | Mike: I'm not sure if "friends first" will ever work, if one wants to find a positive, satisfying relationship.
My son, who is 23, really likes this woman at work. He bought her 21 things for her 21st birthday, took her to a concert, took her out to eat. She considers him a "friend first" and said that, because they work together, they can't be romantic or date.
Frankly, I think my son should play the field--and find a woman who'll treat him right. Women in our small NC city hit on him all the time, but he simply wants to "wait" for this woman to come to her senses.
In my college days, I had a woman who wanted to make out but only wanted to be "just friends". After several days of heavy petting, she tore me apart by doing the very same thing to another guy. I guess I'm lucky all I go was a hickey! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:34:50 AM | a woman decides in the first 20 minutes or less If you are going to get to homeplate
Ugh. So sad that so many people believe in myths like this. Oh well. If you want to limit yourself, go right ahead.
Wallflower1 - that you were married 20 years is fine, but was it a good marriage and how do you define 'good' marriage. I know a widow who was married many years to a man who was indeed her best friend, who treated her with respect as an equal, to whom she could talk about anything (and did), whose company she enjoyed outside the bedroom; a man she liked and respected in every aspect of life. That's my idea of a great relationship.
I knew another woman who was married a long time. She never had conversations with her husband. They had hobbies, etc. they pursued separately. They were supportive of each other in that she followed her career and he his and they'd go to each other's functions but that was it. When, in middle age, he was struck with depression, she got tired of him being 'boring' after two years and ditched him. She claims she loved him, too (until the end) and that that had been a 'good' marriage. I'd rather chew my arm off than live like that with someone.
It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that people are vastly different in their expectations of what constitutes a 'relationship' and what they consider crucial in one. And, still, if you have that 'instant attraction' for someone who turns out to be a good partner, it's just you managed to pick one of the few winning tickets. For every one relationship that works out that way, there are hundreds which started out with 'attraction' and blew up or fizzled out sooner or later.
My son, who is 23, really likes this woman at work. He bought her 21 things for her 21st birthday, took her to a concert, took her out to eat. She considers him a "friend first" and said that, because they work together, they can't be romantic or date.
Um. then that's not 'friends FIRST'. It's friends ONLY. There's a difference. 'Friends first' means 'I want to get to know you well, find out how compatible we are, see if we really click before we bump uglies or buy rings'. Friends only is 'you will never get any of this'. You have to listen to the message.
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:18:27 PM |
Um. then that's not 'friends FIRST'. It's friends ONLY.
I listened to the message, as replayed by my son. I was was just re-quoting what she told him.
Frankly, I think being stuck on one woman when your single is not wise. Play the field. Explore your options. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:32:47 PM | on the same token...
there are marriages that are based on this friends thing and a good many of them have fallen apart due to the "brotherly/sisterly affection" that developed after the sex became "yawn......boring." My sister's was based on the friends thing. It lasted 15 years and her many affairs before she bolted for a man who promised her passion.
Another friend of mine has just left her marriage of almost 25 years! Why? They've never had an arguement! She said it was because of no passion, no arguements, no emotion, and a cold man who was content to be her friend now as he was on day 1. He was actually a rebound for her in college after she and her boyfriend broke up. A friend who stepped in and helped her heal her broken heart with understanding. How ironic that she met up with ex-boyfriend at a social event and they found the feelings of mutual attraction and love never really died. They are now together and I have never seen her happier.
Bend a bit, Merrylass....songs, poems and movies are written about this mutual attraction that is magical. It's part of our make-up and who we are. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:58:06 PM | | Songs, poems, and movies are fiction, wallflower1. :) People have different 'love styles' - yours and mine are different. I wish you continued good luck but I've gone the 'attraction' route and the 'friendship' route (I think I said this already) and I found the latter far superior so if it's all the same to you, I won't be 'bending'. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/4/2008 12:17:21 AM | Merrylass
Im with you.
Friends are the guys women dont have attraction for.
"Nice" friends are weak wussies that have zero chance with them. Friends is a womans secret language that says "you have no chance with me" and "nice" means youre weak and supplocating. This is not attractive in am mate but OK with a friend.
Oh, but so few men get this.
I learned how to interpret a womans subtle talk years ago.
Friendship ruins the mystery, excitement, and challenge that are necessary to create that powerful emotional attraction called chemistry.
End of story!
I cant wait to get hit over the head by the ladies in the room for this one.
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:52:29 AM | No, DaSwami, you're not with me. I said that one poster's son got a 'friends only' message but that 'friends first' is another matter. If you read my other posts, I say (because I have experienced) that people often fall in love with people they started out only being friends with.
In fact, if you read relationship forums where there are lots of posts about affairs, you'll see many many affairs happen because someone has a friend of the opposite gender at work that they talk to a lot w/o ever intending a relationship to happen, however the emotional intimacy generated by long conversations and spending time together leads to love. Then they go on about 'I never meant this to happen' - no, that's because they believed, wrongly, that friends never become lovers. In fact, the emotional intimacy that is created in a very good male-female friendship can easily grow into love (and attending lust).
It happens ALL the time. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:51:49 AM | | In my experience the "FRIENDS FIRST " let down nothing more then let down. I truly want to get to know someone before a relationship happens. However all the women I have dated and have told me that line never wanted a relationship with me. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:49:48 AM | people need to use their judgement .
If you sense a person doesn't want to be more than a friend , don't shoot yourself in the foot by pushing the issue. We also over generalize these issues .
People and situations need individual attention , they are never the same , hence the
' use your gut ' clause . This is common sense stuff here ,is it not . | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/6/2008 12:12:30 PM | In some instances, it works. But in others, it doesn't. Usually I am always for friendship only. I am not into FWB as they say. But somehow, I have some emotional attachment to that friendship, as I always do with all my friendships. Then, wham, he changes his agenda and what to do? He insists that he wants to stay but it is simply not fair to him. You cannot guarantee that you will feel reciprocate. Somehow you lose something precious.
Then I mourn that friendship as I am doing now. I am just about to lose a friend who I will really miss. It's a saga that seems to continue because relationships are just that! You cannot control them.
However, I am lucky to have found a friend who remains a friend. He was my inspiration for my poem, Paradise~ | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work? NO
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:10:30 PM | Wow!
So it happens all the time?
Hmm?
Could that lack of passion and excitement be why the divorce rate is what it is?
Friends first has trouble written all over it.
Theres nothing exciting about it but I can see how 2 older people who are desperate could justify it. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:49:48 PM | | i see this "friends first" in quite a few of the ads here on POF...i had to make a comment on it on my profile because a few women contacted me and had the friend first thing in their ad...so i understood where we were starting at up front but 2 of the 3 women that i met who had that in their ad became quite angry when after setting up where to meet(both times for dinner..and that is where THEY wanted to meet) i inquired about splitting the bill...now before i get flamed on here for being cheap and tight with money and all that let me say i am neither but like i had to put into my ad when i got out with my FRIENDS when the bill comes we all just split it up and go out merry ways...so as long as both parties head into the meeting expecting nothing more than starting out as friends i don't see any problems...but like i said before..i don't make it a hait to buy dinner with friends i already have..let alone people i have never met before! | |
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T474T
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Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 242 | |
| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:52:01 PM | I have never met a man who can be "just friends". Its always trying to get what they can or trying to put hands on. Never just friends. But then again men have ways of classifying friends. Special friends, fwb friends, not just the "usual friend"
So MO men are just looking for a piece of arse thats it. I have never had anything proven anywhere else | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/30/2008 11:40:58 PM | I just had to get in on this one! I agree that friends first is important and that one has to be honest and understanding with anyone you spend time with. Everyone should have to take an adult health education course on development, dating, marriage, sexual relationships.
Having been married for 32 years to a man who was first my friend then my husband, lover, and best friend but now--- sadly is deceased allow me to speak from my experience. I speak from experience and because I had was married to an educated man. Love and friendship were real for me because I grew up with male friends and the one I married lasted until death parted us. I read and agreed with Thunderwalker and hope you all read his thread too!
Older women know men think about sex most of the time, old or young it is there makeup. Women my age were brought up on fairy tales, not realistic--- nor the real reason most men and women get together. Men want, need and expect sex in a relationship, it is just that simple unless medical reason exsist. We were created different....men and women are different for good reason.... to help have children and multiply. Men can have sex with just about any women who is willing any time and any place. If women are honest with men....that is not always what they want or expect before or after marriage sad to say. So...men ask a women does she play...or need to be wife? Ok, not the first date or the minute you meet her either. Quit all the expectations about sex, because if you don't understand a women and can be a friend you will never be satisfied in a relationship. If she can not discuss openly with you as a friend then she probably will not understand your needs or even the male mind. Do Men ---want women to think like them? Do Women---want men to think them? Friendship of the opposite sex is what is needed right from a young age... it allows us a better understanding of expectations for each other in relationships when we are older. Simple logic and genetics . If each person was mature and came into a relationship with the knowledge about the other sex, wouldn't we treat each other so much better. So all you young boys and girls...Educate yourself, know the difference between friendship, lust, love, sexual pleasure and being mature enough to discuss it before becoming involved. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:14:05 AM |
Could that lack of passion and excitement be why the divorce rate is what it is?
People seem to be unable to understand what 'friends FIRST' means. It does not mean you marry somebody you don't have passion for. Au contraire, it means that you started out as friends, but grew into love and passion with that person as you got to know each other better. Nobody's advocating marrying someone you only like and have no passion for!
BTW the divorce rate is what it is because people still split up over money and kids - two things that should be discussed thoroughly and sorted out long before marriage to ensure both parties are on the same page. 'Lack of passion' is the end result of a bad marriage overall, not the solo cause in most cases. If you like and admire someone and feel treated well by that person, you're not going to lose passion for that person. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:33:53 AM | When a WOMAN says "let's be friends first", she means "let's go on dates BEFORE we have sex". When a MAN says "let's be friends first", he means "let's not date at all right now".
E.G:
Woman fancies man & man isn't attracted to woman = friends. If they date, they will still break up.
Man fancies woman & woman isn't attracted to man = first date. If they are friends, then they are continually in the stage of a first date, and it gets too tense to continue. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:29:29 AM | | i agree some guys do fall for it.in my i found that more women are players more than men.i was talking to this girl who i liked and still do who tried to put me through the ringer with this take it slow stuff.that was fine with me until i found out she had been around so i cut her off quick.she put me through the ringer but she had slept with all theses bums and at the end she had the nerve to tell me i push her buttons.imagine that trying to play me and she got played.its funny how small this world is.is that going to make me stop trusting women no way unlike some women i do not take into the next realationship.it was funny she had low self asteem and i actually think she like being treated like crap,but thats not me she looks better in that garment then me good luck. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 5/6/2008 2:19:37 PM | I think 'friends first' is a distancing maneuver. The person is nervous about dating, about what is expected from him/her on the first date. It can also be a way of saying 'no sex right away'.
Of course, there are also people who 'don't want to hurt anyone's feelings', and say 'friends first' instead of saying they don't want to go out with you.
Either way, it's a way of holding a hand up to the other person, of keeping them a certain distance away. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:07:47 AM | well friends worked for me with my late husband, there are pros and cons the pro is it makes it so much simpler to go from friends to lovers, the con side of it is if it all goes sour you lose a really good friend.
but you have to decide do you take that risk or not.
for me if you start as friends, it sorts out the ones that just want to use you for sex and they wont stick around, which there are plenty off on this site. thank god for the block button lol
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