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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:25:32 PM | well for me friends first, i have a problem trusting people, and i can relax more with someone i know, and know there not going to jump me.
I hate men who are players, or the 'just fun' people. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:36:43 PM | Yes it works, but I think deep down both parties knew it was going somewhere else. I tend to agree with the OP that many men fall for this and that the benefactor is usually the woman.
However, many men are picking the type of woman that most of us logical, intelligent, non-game playing women are not. These women play up to the man's ego and I have known some of these types of women. They are the ones with the million friends who are men and they generally "look" really good from a distance, act really flirty around you etc etc.
I don't have many male friends and those that I have I am not interested in romantically and they know it and the other ones are 20 + year friends.
If a man is doing alot of "favours" for a woman, it usually means interest. If the favours are once in a while, they are just that - favours. If I'm letting a man do all these favours for me, then I am interested in him romantically. I would not let a man stick around doing all sorts of things for me if I was not interested. Doing that is what I call "games". I do admit to feeling a tad uncomfortable asking for or when a male friend does do a favour for me.
As the OP said: The time we spent together was abnormal for "just friends". I agree with this statement. The times I have been hanging out ALOT and only with (no other friends around) a male around my age and somewhat attractive....well guess what happened? | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:39:00 PM | This is why you make it clear your intentions with said woman. I had fallen into that drop in the past....lately though, I've wisen up....and when I meet a woman, I pretty much ask her out on a date...right from the get-go I typically wait about a couple of days, call her up and ask out.
If you don't let you interest in her as a possible girlfriend be known ASAP, all can be lost. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:46:25 PM | I know I would prefer to have a lover as a friend as opposed to a friend as a lover.
A lover will certainly become a friend in most cases. A friend may stay at best a friend, more then likely she'll slide to simply an acquaintance.
Some of us simply don't have the time to become friends before we are lovers. There are many women that also prefer the lover then friends position. It removes much of the guess work, let's face it if she isn't at least a decent lover then it's not going any where any way. | |
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| Does "Friends First" ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:56:28 PM | Yes, it does - at least for me - but ONLY once the attraction and interest is established mutually. From there I want to get to know them better, without a sexual distraction that could cause me not to really pay attention to what someone's all about. During that getting to know period, however one of us could discover something about the other that makes us rethink our interest.
Anything else is a one sided friendship where one is hoping something's gonna develop, and the other one knows it never will. And "just friends" (at least in my book) means there's no romantic interest or future whatsoever. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:06:13 PM | Mike,
I am really sorry this has happened to you because I know exactly how it feels. It is happening to me as we speak.
I thought he and I had a BETTER chance, being friends first. Seems to make sense - caring about each other as friends, then let things progress as they will, ya know? The problem was, as we WERE friends first, he knew way more about me and how I would react to things that when it did progress to more, it was easy for him to manipulate me into getting what he wanted, then walk out like I never existed, so I have come to the conclusion that, no, friends first is not a good thing.
BTW, it isn't only women who do this, believe me. I'm just sorry you're hurting, because, man or woman, being in pain and loving someone who doesn't love you back is the worst lonliness there can be.
I'm a computer artist, and I just did a graphic with the following words:
"I am Joy. I can be everything you need
I can do everything but two.
One - I can't forget I love you, and
Two, I can't forget you no longer love me".
I wish us both all the luck in the world, my friend.
Marti
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:15:06 PM | How are we defining "friends first" ?
If we enter into the relationship with the understanding that we're both looking for a partner.... doesn't it just mean take it super slow?
I tend to take things slow anyhow (I find that having sex too early complicates things and makes you settle for less than you would otherwise)-- but I also tend to distrust the "friends first" statement. It leads me to not know what the other person's intent is. It makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time, or if I'm just being kept around until something better comes along.
Communication seems to be the key to this. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:16:11 PM | I am thankful to have had sports be a way of meeting people now that I do not go to College as in my teens to 30's , when you have interests you meet people who have something to relate and get to know the person better by, like spending the day going boating, or Golf you have a get to know someone on more than one level situation, so you have a bond and by the time you do things with someone it is a team effert you see, and a good basis for if you feel the connection to carry on in another level you follow your instincts that is why we have the felling of right and wrong. I learned finally thru my last long friendship with a boyfriend that I started a relationship with that I meet in Catalina, as usual persuing my passions, and he persuing his, and we have Car racing and my other sports in common.
SO PERSUE YOUR PASSION THE REST FOLLOWS!
We have to kiss a lot of frogs before we get to the Prince or Pricess!
HAPPY KISSING along the way!
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:22:18 PM | ^^^makes perfect sense and if someone said to me "I am interested in you, however I would like to get to know more on a friends level first", then I would totally understand where he is coming from.
Most people are not clear like that though. Most people say "let's be friends" and one is left wondering exactly what that means. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:29:06 PM | Only speaking for myself, yes, friendship first works. If all I want is a lover, then one night stands are fine but don't expect another go-round, dinner date or anything else. I'll use you for sex, have my way with you, then toss you out like yesterday's news.
However, if you and I are friends and we both realize there's a strong chemistry between us, then most obviously you will be my lover til we both or one of us decides enough's enough, or it will become a life long union.
If you are my friend but there are no sparks, you will always remain my friend, point blank, no questions asked, no judgements passed.
I guess this is where men and women will always differ. Where women see putting the cart behind the horse, men like to put it before the horse THEN contimplate how things will work. Viva La Difference. That's what makes courting so much fun, exciting and marvelous! It keeps us all guessing lol. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:34:50 PM | | "Friends first" means you won't get sex until the girl figures out there is something other than physical attraction involved, and that there is potential for a long-term relationship. If there is, you may have the privilege of her choosing to share her precious body with you. It also means that she won't be your F-Buddy. If you can't wrap your brain around those concepts, you aren't the type she is looking for anyway... | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:45:05 PM | Hi Mike,
Not all women are the same....We all different....I am so sorry you went thru hard expercience. Believe me I know what is like not to be loved the same. I believe the our true love is out there. Don't give up !!! I read your post and I need to cheer you up. I don't know you. But i can feel your pain.
Everything will be ok......You will meet your true Love in not time......
I am very positive person and when something negative happened to me. I turn into positive. I was in love one's. I know what it feels pain in your heart. Life will get easier everyday. Enjoy life......
I was told one's 'I love you Kitten' but those were just words . Action speak for them self.....
Think positive and will come.....
Take Care,
Kitten
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:45:41 PM | I have only experienced the friends first style of dating twice in my life.
In the first case, we had mutual friends that we hung out with years before we dated. He was single at that time, while I was in a long term relationship. Then about 3 years later he approached me where I worked and asked me out. He was extremely shy, so it wasn't easy for me to tell him that I was now engaged. Fast forward 3 more years, we were both single and lonely, and just sort of fell into a close friendship that was so comfortable we took it to the next step. His clinginess and neediness were just two of the factors that caused our breakup. Yes - I made mistakes in the relationship too.
Four years ago I became acquainted with a very nice city bus driver. We eventually would go out for coffee, take his dogs for walks, go to dinner - all platonic. Then months later, after he became seriously ill, we took the relationship to the next level and dated for more than 2 years. Though we both acknowledge that we didn't work out as a couple we are trying to maintain a close friendship.
Would I go the friendship first route again. Yes I would. I have found that the relationships that start out hot and heavy usually fizzle out fast, at least for me. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:52:30 PM | I think it can work.....You must be friends first.....Enjoy time together. Laugh , smile, share fun story, talk about music , art , love....well that can happened later. First make to first step them you go second step when the time is right.
Take your time,......Love is patience.
Peace,
Kitten | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:57:44 PM | Well I feel that women and lots of times men say they are only looking for friends because thats how it starts...you need to start hanging out as friends first to see if there is any chemistry, then keep moving thru the relationship.
In general people who are under the category of "Friends only" are just like the rest of us, looking for that one special person, they are just being cautious in their search and letting any prospects know not to come into it with any expectations!
I look at it this way...I have many women friends so I do not reply to any "Friends only" profiles because I am looking to get into something special. I will not, however, ignore any replies of interest from those catergories ,you can't have too many friends! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:04:02 PM | It is a good thing to be clear about your intentions...but if you move too fast you will push her away...I've been there and done that and have learned from it.
Now what I do is if I am going to meet a woman, from POF for example, it is just that..meeting. If I discouver I like her of feel like there is potential I would then ask her out on a date. That lets her know how I feel. If she doesn't feel the same and declines or if I feel its not right I will look at her as a new friend or just let it go after coffee! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:09:52 PM | I must disagree with your last statement....if a woman tells you "lets be friends" it DOES mean exactly that...they do not want anything romantic from you or they would have not said it that way.
I say this thru experience...if its "lets be friends" there is no hope, if it's "friends first" however it means they would like to get to know you before hopping into anything. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:21:41 PM | It depends on how willing you are to accept that it may only EVER be "friends". Things and people can change over time, and if someone gets used to you, they either feel comfortable with advancing it, or they never will.
Some people I've known have told me they would rather date someone after knowing them for awhile. Others need to feel sparks from the start.
Everyone is different, so generalizing is short-sighted. I've made friends with women who eventually became my girlfriend, even if it didn't last for whatever reason. It wasn't because we'd only been friends first.
You just have to find things about that person you like anyway, and if it turns into something later, that's great because you already have a familiarity and trust. If not, you still have a good friend.
Co-dependents will not do well in this regard, however, because their need for each other's dysfunction outweighs the benefits of companionship. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:22:53 PM | Dayzyflame and Organizartist (posts 5 & 6) ...and msg 7 present a "well rounded view" whereby women MIGHT TEND TO BE more circumspect about including "extras" with an early friendship. However, doing favors, picking up the slack--this is not a relationship of romance, rather a relationship of convenience. Likewise, being a booty call on Friday or Saturday nights...or midweek, even---this is not a relationship of romance, either, merely one of convenience.
As DayZ points out so well, men are hunting for a specific thing and are goal oriented. As Organizartist sez, men think "why bother with friends if I'm looking for a romantic relationship."
ANY friendship takes TIME. Giving sex is a commitment--for a woman--unless she's in it for the entertainment and romance, too.
A relationship "grows" by doing things together, beyond sex and eating. So if you're doing S&E, AND THAT IS ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF YOU, well, you'll have some lessons to learn about each other later. The problem with jumping into the sex too soon, is it keeps both of you in a relationship that might not otherwise exist, let alone endure.
I think a LOT of us have inhibitors--lowered expectations, maybe bad communication IN a marriage. The happily married men I've met have wanted a wife, pursued a wife, and have had respect for--and received respect from--the woman they pursue. Giving gifts? Both ways. Going on dates? Ideas/venues coming from both sides. Phone calls? Both ways. Sharing goals, dreams, hopes--and that means listening to (and hearing, and internalizing) each other's!
Romance is fine. It can be an illusion, it can disillusion. It cannot MAKE a relationship. Sayuing yes to some things: showing the other person that their dreams/ideas are important to you. Saying no to some things: showing the other person that your own dreams are important. And being all right with that.
A box of chocolates the day after Valentines Day is not enough. Dropping a plant by someone's front door without a birthday card is not enough. Short-circuiting events the other person wants to do is not enough. When these things happen, the relationship is in trouble. If "the relationship" is all about doing someone favors (whether sexual--often men want these from a woman), or other favors (repair work, dinners out--often women "take" these from a man)...this ain't no relationship! These external vestiges do not replace the need for a rudimentary connection--and I cannot say that "attraction at first sight" is any kind of indicator--in fact, that is only grounds to meet again: I'm more interested in falling in love with character and a man I know shows commitment to me--to us.
For the OP, you can't buy affection, any more than a woman can cement commitment by giving sexual favors...any divorced guys care to comment on why you married your first (or next) wife? Was it sexual? Did it work? | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:33:42 PM | Reel Man,
I would incline towards the developing familiarity with someone.
I never like starting any relationship on romantic terms: it is a frightening thing for me to feel so physically vulnerable with a stranger.
I don't like the thought of being thought of as a 'good time not a long time' either, and that can so easily happen if there isn't a commitment first.
It's a catch-22: if I want to get to know a man as a friend first, he thinks that's all it will ever be, and I get lumped into the 'friend' category. (yes, men, it happens to women as well!) .. whereas if I take a bigger step and decide to date him when I have not known him well yet, I may become artificially bonded, because sexuality is a kind of glue that, if rushed, will stick in all the wrong places.
Whenever I tell a man I want to be 'friends first', that doesn't mean I'm sold on him and will definitely date him eventually. It means I think it may have some potential but that I need to feel secure in its steadiness first; otherwise I will not become intimate.
That's when I get told "I don't want a friend, I want a lover."
*sigh* .. NEXT!
What's a goilie to do, ehhh?? | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:35:04 PM | First...
Men and women have lost what the words "friends" and "friendly" mean. They are different and it applies strongly to the dating stakes...and post dating scenarios.
I will meet men for first dates and they either can provoke that "interest" vibe in me or I don't get anything at all except a lovely "brotherly" feeling. But, most of the time, it is a lack of interest that doesn't generate the need for being friends. We are, after all, looking for the one when we are single and dating. We can be "friendly" to all the men that we did date once or twice if we see them out.
The "interest" vibe is an attraction vibe. I recognize it and if he seems to fit what I like, then I become "friendly' and allow that attraction with all of it's nuances grow.
If all that I feel for him is a brotherly affection, then I encourage a friendship in which we become friends..if that is what he wants. Most of them don't go for that. Men already have their buddies for friends.
I have found that being friends first never gets into the attraction stage. The only time it did was when I had a broken heart and was having too many comos with a man that I had a "brotherly" friendship with. He was starting to look very good. I made a pass at him and he was ready to take me up on it when I got my act together and headed home instead. The next day, I was so thankful that I didn't go to bed with him. He still is a very good friend, but I cannot see him as a romantic interest.
Remember, if a woman is really into you, she will give you signals that you are attractive to her in a certain way. It's sexy, sensual, playful, intimate, impossible to ignore closeness that hums and is exciting...and friendly. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:36:54 PM | Yoodle, you make some great points and I do concur.
The happily married men I've met have wanted a wife, pursued a wife, and have had respect for--and received respect from--the woman they pursue. Giving gifts? Both ways. Going on dates? Ideas/venues coming from both sides. Phone calls? Both ways. Sharing goals, dreams, hopes--and that means listening to (and hearing, and internalizing) each other's!
Yes - this is what I have seen also! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:37:10 PM | friendship is a neccessary part of a solid relationship, however...there has to be connection, attraction, affection, attention, respect, trust....all the other good stuff as well.
So, friends first, yes..as long as there is second and third options, like lovers, long term relationship, etc....it has to be going somewhere or else it is all a futile effort and a waste of time.  | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/18/2008 3:40:13 PM | I think it depends because I've seen it work but I've also seen it NOT work.
I believe it can work if the boy and the girl is on the same level from the beginning. However, the gamble begins when there is a different interest level from the start. But the gamble may or may not payoff either.
It also depends what the person want out of it as well. Whether it's just casual dating, serious relationship, FWB, whatever. | |
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